by Unknown
“No. Apparently I’m a social imbecile,” she said bitterly. “The only thing I noticed at family gatherings over the years was how you always seemed so eager to chat up Sadie. But since I’m such an idiot, I just focused on you and Sadie, and failed to notice Mat was always there.” She made a disgusted sound and rolled her eyes. “You were trying to ease the tension between Mat and her, all along. Weren’t you?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t overstating things last night. It kills me, seeing them suffer so much. There’s more to their story then they’ve told me. But one thing I’m certain about: They still love each other.”
Esme started. She looked up at him, her lips parted as if to question him. But she must have read the sad truth in his eyes.
“Still?” she whispered. “No wonder Sadie seems so sad. No wonder—” She gasped as if she’d just recalled something. “Poor Mat. How horrible. It’s…it’s tragic.”
She stood abruptly, pulling her hands out of his.
“Es?” he asked sharply. But she didn’t turn. She started walking toward the door. He lunged to overtake her, grabbing her elbow. She spun around, her eyes wide.
“I hope I’m not coming off as the most selfish dick in the world,” he said, throwing up one hand in a desperate gesture, “but I’d really like to know what you’re thinking about me at the moment. About us. I mean…what’s happening right now, Es?”
“I just need time to think about everything. It’s a lot to take in,” she said breathlessly.
She turned to leave, and Jude had no choice but to release her, however reluctantly. But she paused abruptly in front of the door and turned.
“Can I ask you a question?” she asked.
“Anything.”
“Back in that hotel room in Beverly Hills, I told you that half the time I didn’t know if you resented me or loved me all these years. And you said I knew the answer to that. But I don’t, Jude,” she said, her soft, trembling voice making his skin roughen. “I bared my soul to you on that trip to California. I told you that I loved you as a kid, and that I still loved you today. I was mortified that I couldn’t get rid of that childhood infatuation. But you made me feel okay about it. More than okay. You showed me that what I was feeling was more than a kid’s crush. A hell of a lot more. You let me start to embrace what I was feeling. Glory in it, even,” she said, giving a choking laugh, as though she was laughing at her poetic turn of phrase. His heart squeezed at her witnessing her openness and courage…her incredible beauty.
“But you haven’t really bared all that much to me, have you?” she continued quietly. “Nothing about us, anyway. So I’m going to ask you now, and I want you to be honest. What did you mean in that hotel room? Did you resent me all these years? Or love me?”
He exhaled slowly, feeling her vulnerability like an unhealed sore in his chest cavity.
“Does it really matter what I felt back then?” he asked, taking a step toward her.
“I think it does. It would help me to fill in more of the blanks about everything happening between us. Just tell me, Jude. What were you thinking of me all those years while I was hiding my feelings for you?”
Annoyance went through him. Why was she bringing this up now? “I don’t see how—”
“Just be honest,” she bit out, her cheeks flushing bright pink and her eyes taking on a feverish expression. “You owe me that, Jude.”
He threw up his hands, his barely tethered emotion breaking free.
“Fine. Both. That was what I meant back in the hotel room. You were always one of the most important people in my life. I thought you were hotter than hell when we got to be teenagers, but I was always cautious…too afraid to touch, because I needed you when I was a kid, Es. You were my normal, and I didn’t want to lose that. I couldn’t. And yeah, sometimes—not always, but once in a while—I resented the hell out of you. I resented your family. Your security and happiness. Your privilege. How easy things seemed for you. But only because I was so jealous, I was spitting green—”
“That’s what I thought you meant,” she interrupted quietly, but firmly. He just stared, taken aback by her calmness in the face of his outburst. “But you’d never really put it into words. Thanks. Thanks for clarifying. Things had gotten really murky between us over the years. We’d talk, but we didn’t really say anything.” She nodded once decisively, and then turned to open the door.
“Esme,” he growled. Her odd presentation alarmed and infuriated him. What was she thinking? He started toward her, but paused abruptly when she looked over her shoulder, and he saw her expression. It halted him in his tracks.
“Don’t worry. I’m not running, Jude. At least…I don’t think I am,” she added thoughtfully under her breath before she blinked. “Anyway, I’ll see you tonight.”
And she was gone.
As Jude entered the Esterbrook home that night with his grandfather, Stephen and Z, he thought the house looked much the same as it had on dozens of other Christmas Eves. And yet it was drastically different, somehow. Everything was. The entry hall Christmas tree glowed with holiday warmth as it always did, and the smells coming out of the kitchen were as mouthwatering as ever, and there was the same welcoming hug from Ilsa Esterbrook.
But something had shifted, he realized as Ilsa and him broke their embrace, still holding each other loosely.
“Merry Christmas, Jude,” Ilsa told him, beaming up at him. She looked lovely, wearing a stunning off the shoulder red dress. But it wasn’t just a dress that made her especially beautiful tonight.
He smiled. “You’re glowing,” he told her.
“I feel like I am,” Ilsa said, laughing.
“Because you’re happy.”
Her mouth trembled. “Yes. Because I’m happy.”
He leaned down and kissed her cheek. Her smile widened, but he saw the question in eyes that reminded him poignantly of Esme’s.
“If you’re happy…if you and Stephen are happy,” he added quietly. “Then I’m happy.”
“Thank you, Jude,” she said tremulously. “I hope you know how much that means to me.”
“I think I do. Which makes me very sorry I didn’t say it sooner.”
She patted the lapel of his suit consolingly, her eyes shining. “Better to mean it than to just say it. Sometimes, meaning it takes time.”
“Merry Christmas!”
Ilsa and he both turned at the sound of female voices. Jude’s arms dropped like they were dead weight. His mouth went dry. The three Esterbrook girls paused at the bottom of the grand staircase, Ursa wearing green, Sadie white…
Esme burning like a steady flame in gold.
He swallowed thickly, realizing she stared directly at him, her gaze mysterious, somehow. Soft. Not what he expected.
All he knew was he couldn’t look away.
And suddenly, Jude knew exactly why this Christmas Eve was different than any other.
Chapter Thirty
He tried to get Esme away from the group almost from the first, but it was impossible. Everyone’s spirits were especially high. There was a lot of boisterous conversation and laughter. As a group—as a family, he realized—they’d crossed a high mountain. There might be more in the future. But right now, all they were feeling was good.
Stephen and Z seemed to have talked and found peace. The truth had come out about Z’s business and his meteoric success, and everyone had questions for him. The girls, Z and Jude all seemed eager to spend time with Stephen and Ilsa. There was a lot of talk about the wedding tomorrow afternoon, and Jude noticed the conversations were universally a hell of a lot more animated and cheerful than they would have been a few days ago.
As they all sat down for dinner, Jude still hadn’t successfully cornered Esme. He had to satisfy himself with one fact. Esme sat across from him and one down. He could at least look his fill of her, even if he couldn’t speak to her one on one. She glanced at him almost as frequently as he did her. It gave him some gratification, to know she wasn’t so pissed, th
at she avoided eye contact altogether.
But as the minutes went by, any satisfaction he felt soured to anxiety. He’d always been able to read Esme like a book. But she’d become an enigma to him tonight. Clearly, her unguarded gaze was drawn to him. But was she wary? Attracted? Assessing? By the time he’d finished Ilsa’s famous Swedish chocolate cake, all he’d really decided was that Esme seemed thoughtful.
And considering what she was probably thinking about after what she’d learned tonight, that could potentially be a very, very bad thing.
As they were finishing their coffee, the sound of silver clinking on crystal rang out, silencing everyone. They all looked over at Grandpa Joe. He set down his spoon.
“I have an announcement to make. It seems that Stephen and Ilsa have decided to live here after they are married, in this home. And over the past few days, they’ve been trying to convince me to live here with them.” His blue eyes skimmed over Sadie, Esme and Ursa. “And while I’m more than half way convinced, I can’t say yes for certain until I know that you three girls would be all right with that decision. It’s your home, after all.”
“Of course you should live here, Grandpa Joe,” Esme blurted out.
Ursa sat next to Joe. She put her hand on his forearm. “We wouldn’t be happy knowing you were anyplace else,” she assured him warmly.
“I agree completely. You’re family, Joe,” Sadie said with quiet conviction.
Grandpa Joe smiled and wiped at his eye furtively with his napkin. He patted Ursa’s hand. “Thank you. Thank you for saying that, ladies. I feel very lucky, to be welcomed so warmly…and to be considered family,” he added with fond look at Sadie. He took a sip of his water, trying to calm his emotions.
“So that’s settled, it seems,” Joe said to Ilsa and Stephen. “Now for the second part of my announcement, which concerns the Lodge. I’ve decided to gift it to Stephen, Jude and Zev, for them to sell or keep…whatever they should decide.”
Jude started. The news had taken him by surprise, and he could tell by Z’s expression it had done the same for him.
“That’s not necessary, Grandpa,” Jude insisted.
“There’s no call for something like that,” Z agreed.
“I’ve already contacted my lawyers,” Joe said mildly. “I’d rather do it this way then wait until I’m dead. We’ll avoid the inheritance taxes this way.”
“I’ve already talked myself blue in the face for the past few days, trying to talk him out of it. Maybe you two will be able to change his mind, but I found him to be stubborn as a mule,” Stephen said wryly.
The idea made Jude uneasy. The Lodge and the property it sat on were, by far, his grandfather’s most valuable assets. “It would be wiser to sell the house and put the money into a trust for your care, Grandpa.”
Z and Stephen seconded his opinion forcefully.
“I have enough in savings for that, including insurance for a care facility, should I come to need one,” Joe said, waving his hand dismissively. “I’ve made up my mind, and I didn’t bring it up to argue about it tonight.” He raised his water goblet. “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. To new beginnings…as a family.”
The way his grandfather beamed at them all went a long way to alleviate Jude’s uncertainty for the moment. He’d never seen his grandpa look so happy. He raised his glass with everyone else, catching Esme’s gaze and holding it as he drank.
After that, they settled down in the family room around the large game table. Jude had grown downright desperate in his need to talk to Esme. He didn’t think he could sit there and play some asinine game, all the while not knowing what was going on inside her head.
Especially when he’d never been so sure what he was thinking or feeling in his life.
Esme glanced up at Jude as she helped Ursa fill out the cards for the game Categories. She thought for the hundredth time tonight how incredibly handsome he looked, wearing an well-tailored black suit, crisp white shirt, and dark crimson tie. How was it that he looked completely natural and sexy in jeans or snowboard attire, and yet equally as comfortable in a suit? It was his skin, she decided. It was Jude Beckett that did style, not his clothes.
His stare looked like it could set something on fire. She realized he was agitated. Irritated? She got the impression in that moment he was about to lose all sense of propriety, despite how calm he appeared on the outside. Their conversation in his room earlier had gotten to him. It had gotten to her, too, of course. But now…
She felt surprisingly okay.
That wasn’t to say she still wasn’t unsettled by the news about what had happened twelve years ago between Sadie, Mat, and Jude. But the sore spot in her chest didn’t have anything to do with Jude and her. Not really.
She glanced over at Sadie across the table, seeing her smile and hearing her laughter at something Grandpa Joe said.
She has such a beautiful smile, such a stunning face. I’ve been like the rest of the world, just seeing what’s on the surface, letting her convince me she was happy because that’s what I wanted to see. What I expected to see: the effortlessly perfect Sadie.
But I should have known better. I’m not her adoring public.
I’m her sister.
Again, she found her gaze drawn to Jude. She saw his eyebrows bunch together in puzzled concern. She realized he’d read her regret and sadness when it came to Sadie.
“Oh, listen! The choir is here.”
She blinked at the sound of Ursa’s excited voice. There was a rumbling of chairs as everyone stood at once. The choir from their church, which was less than a half a mile down the road, usually caroled on Christmas Eve. Esme trooped with everyone else to the front door.
Stephen opened the front doors, and the family gathered in the entry. The choir stood in a semi-circle on the front drive, holding candles as they sang. As usual, Ilsa dimmed the lights in the Great Hall, casting the Christmas tree and the carolers’ faces with a lovely, festive radiance.
Esme stood toward the back of the group. She found herself becoming uncommonly moved as the carolers performed Oh Holy Night, a shiver passing through her. A few seconds later, she felt a touch on her shoulders and a weight settling.
She glanced around over her shoulder in surprise, only to see Jude standing just inches behind her.
“You were shivering,” he said very quietly, pulling her coat further across her shoulders and bare arms. He’d gotten it for her out of the closet. She saw the glint of candlelight in his blue eyes.
“Thank you,” she whispered. He squeezed her shoulders softly. His hands remained there when she turned back to the carolers, his touch on her warm, firm… all-encompassing on her awareness. Her heart fluttered in her chest at the fragility of the moment. The fullness.
The sweetness.
A moment later, she felt Jude’s lips press against her nape. She wore her hair in an up-do tonight, giving him free rein to her neck and ears. Her eyelids flickered closed, absorbing his fervent kisses. Another shiver wracked her, this time a hundred times more powerful.
It struck her later that she hadn’t even thought of the others noticing Jude’s gesture of stark intimacy at that moment. They might have been the only two people on the planet.
When the choir had finished, Ilsa called the group inside as she always did for a cup of wassail and Christmas cookies. While the carolers were piling into the great hall and everyone was talking, Esme felt Jude’s hand enfold hers. She looked up at him.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said.
Trapped by his stare, she could only nod once in response.
They didn’t talk at all as they walked along the hushed street. Jude hadn’t retrieved his coat before they ducked out the door into the chilly night. Esme thought of saying something about how cold he must be, until she saw his set profile illuminated by moonlight. He wasn’t worrying about the cold anymore than she was.
They must have been of one mind, because they didn’t talk about where they we
re headed. Their footsteps were completely in tandem.
“You don’t think anyone has reserved it for after midnight mass, do you?” she asked as she keyed in the clubhouse security code. Jude had moved in close behind her as she did so, his hands cupping her shoulders. She felt his lips brush against the back of her neck, then the warm thrill of his tongue as he took a small taste. She whimpered softly.
“No one has done that before,” he murmured, his voice just inches from her left ear. The lock on the door clicked. “No one is coming here tonight,” he said a few seconds later as they maneuvered through the dark clubhouse, her hand clasped in his.
“How do you know?”
“Jacob hasn’t turned on the heat,” Jude said simply.
Esme found herself sitting at the corner of the couch, where she’d sat when they’d stolen in here the other night. Again, she heard a click and a swooshing sound, and then the soft glow of flames in the hearth.
A few seconds later, Jude stood before her, staring down at her. Dim firelight flickered across his solemn, hard face. She listened to her heartbeat drumming very loudly in her ears. Just a few nights ago, she’d stared up at him, and been amazed at how different it all felt, how she could see her childhood friend in such a staggering new light.
But as she looked up at Jude tonight, she felt like she’d traveled a million miles with him, even since she’d last sat here on this couch.
“You didn’t let me finish what I wanted to say this afternoon. In my room,” he said.
She swallowed, anxiety building in her by the second. “Then go ahead,” she whispered.
“You wanted the truth about how I felt about you while we were growing up.”
She nodded. “I know. And I appreciate you telling me. I do.”
“I’m sorry I’m not like you, Es.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t know I was in love with you for all these years.”