by Jacob Chance
I wake up drenched with sweat and a cock hard enough to pound nails. Fuck. That dream felt so real and all the emotions I experienced during it have me off kilter. Is that what sex was like for us? Jesus. How could I have forgotten? I could feel the savagery of my love for her while I worshipped her body with my hands – my tongue – my cock. How much longer will it be before I regain all my memories of her?
After dreaming about Janny, going back to sleep is impossible. I stand under the hot spray of the shower for a long time and enjoy the comfort of being in my own bathroom. I have a new appreciation for privacy and the conveniences of my condo after spending so much time in the hospital and rehab. I like being alone. I don’t have to entertain anyone or pretend everything is great. It’s not, and I don’t know if it ever will be. My arm still needs more physical therapy and I can’t remember the one person who means the most to me. The bullet fragment may have been removed and the imminent threat of dying is gone, but I’m still a fucked-up mess. Maybe I always will be and I’m not meant to be happy. How fucking cruel is it for fate to put Janny in my path – to push us together and make us happier than ever – just to tear it all away from us without a moment’s notice?
I’m meeting Derek at one of our usual southie haunts. I didn’t want to come out tonight but he threatened to kick my ass if I didn’t. I don’t think he could take me, but he might be the only person I know that could give me a run for my money. I’m confident in my abilities when it comes to fighting and I’ve never been one to shy away from throwing hands. I learned at an early age to never start a fight, but I will always finish it. When push comes to shove, I won’t hesitate and I’ll do whatever’s necessary to come out on top. The person who hesitates, loses. There’s no time for indecision or contemplation. You won’t find me having regrets either. I’ve always been able to compartmentalize the violent things I’ve had to do, whether it was as a teenager growing up in the city or as a cop in the line of duty. I’m not the kind of guy who has a quick temper, but if you mess with the bull you’ll get the horns.
The inside of the pub is dark when I enter and it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the change in lighting. I can feel the thumping bass of the music in my chest while my eyes sweep from one side of the room to the other, scanning over the inhabitants and looking for possible threats. This is something my father taught me to do as a young man and it’s a skill I’ve honed over the years working in law enforcement. There’s a reason why the expression “cop’s eyes” exists. I can see the warning signs of danger before they happen. I get a small tingle of unease in my gut and I know shit’s about to go down. I never doubt this warning sign, I’ve come to rely on it and it’s saved my ass on more than one occasion.
Derek is sitting at a table in the back of the long narrow bar. He’s typing in a message on his phone, but he looks up when I’m walking toward him. He holds his hand out for a fist bump when I sit down across from him. He pushes a full bottle of Heineken in my direction.
“Thanks man. I can use this.” I tap my bottle against his and raise it to my lips. The ice-cold beer tastes even better than I anticipated. I haven’t had a drink since before I had my surgery.
“What’s going on with you?” He spins his empty bottle on the table. Where do I begin? I take another sip and decide how much I want to share with him. It might be nice to tell someone what’s been going on and where my head’s currently at.
“I’m starting to remember some things about Janny and it’s fucking with my mind.” I rake my teeth over my bottom lip.
“What kinds of things are you talking about?” Derek studies me, his dark brown eyes narrowed in concentration. I keep my expression neutral. I don’t want to tip him off to how it’s affecting me. I don’t want his opinion to be influenced by me in any way, I could really use an unbiased one.
“I had a dream about Janny and when I woke up I could remember what it was like with us and how much I loved her. I don’t know if I was dreaming about something that actually happened, but it made me question breaking up with her.”
Derek waves at the waitress gesturing for another round of beers and waits for me to continue.
“I broke up with her because I didn’t think it was fair to have her dealing with my recovery. I was trying to be selfless, setting her free, but now I’m starting to regret it.” I knock back the rest of my beer and set the bottle down on the table with a clank. “Fuck. What should I do?” I run my hand over my short hair in frustration. “I don’t even know where she’s living now. She moved out of the condo and it’s like she was never there.”
Derek drums his fingers on the bar. “Kenna knows where she is if you want to contact her.”
“How does Kenna know where she is, and how do you know this?” I ask, relieved that I may be able to contact her soon.
“I bumped into Kenna at the store and she told me Janny’s in New York for the next six months.” He reaches for the new beer the waitress left on the table and drinks back a large gulp.
“What the fuck is she doing in New York?” I ask, a dark scowl on my face. “Goddammit. How the fuck am I going to figure out how I feel about her if I can’t even see her?”
Chapter Nine
Janny
It’s hard to believe it’s already the beginning of September and I’m at the end of my second week at Morrison & Sons. It seems like so much longer, but only because I’m amazed at how quickly I fit in with my team of designers. All the unease from lack of knowledge I was feeling when I first started here has been replaced by joy. I love working here, I love everything about it.
Rachel, the head of my team, has taken me under her wing and she’s already taught me so much. The other members of our group have all been a big help too. This place seems too good to be true, and like the skeptical bitch life has forced me to become, I’m waiting for something to go wrong. Surely the proverbial other shoe is about to drop; it’s only a matter of time.
In honor of my two-week anniversary, my team and some other people from Morrison & Sons are going out for happy hour. There’s a bar called Cityscape that caters to business professionals and it’s only a block away from our building. A bunch of us walk there together and because we leave the office right at five, we’re able to find seating for all of us. Rachel orders shots of tequila despite my protests. I’m not really a fan of shots but I won’t be the boring girl tonight. My time in New York is about embracing new opportunities and trying new things. I’ve always been the uptight one, except for when I was with Kyle.
“Touch yourself. Slide your fingers through your wet pussy and make yourself come. I want to hear you.”
He seemed to have a talent for getting me to do things I’d never done before. Life with him was exciting and I was willing to take chances I normally wouldn’t have. The thing about chances though is sometimes they pay off and sometimes they don’t. You never know which side of the coin you’re going to end up with.
“Janny, drink up. What are you waiting for, girl?” Rachel’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts of Kyle. Why does he have to infiltrate my mind a hundred times a day? Get out of my head Kyle McKenzie. I pick up the shot glass filled with tequila and raise it in a silent toast.
I wish I could forget you.
A few hours later when I’m leaving Cityscape, I realize I’ve left the keys to my apartment at work. It’s still light out and the sidewalks are crowded with business professionals leaving work for the weekend. It’s only a couple minutes before I’m back at Morrison & Sons and I’m hoping the doors won’t be locked when I get upstairs. My equilibrium feels off on the ride up to the sixtieth floor and I know it’s all the tequila I’ve just ingested. I really need to eat something so I don’t get sick. I place my hand on my stomach, breathe deep and exhale slowly, to calm the churning sensation inside. It doesn’t help. I’m grateful no one calls for this elevator and I’m able to make it upstairs quickly. I have some crackers at my workstation that might help absorb some of this alcohol. I�
�m not going to be able to walk home until I’m feeling better.
The doors aren’t locked and the lights are still on; someone’s working late tonight. I head to the intern’s office, sit down and simultaneously grab the sleeve of crackers. I pop a whole one in my mouth and chew it up quickly. Crumbs are falling all over my shirt and lap, but I don’t care. There’s no one to witness my lack of manners right now. After I eat the third cracker my stomach starts to feel slightly better. I rest my head on the back of my office chair and close my eyes. I’m so tired from the tequila. I’m so tired from the events of the past month. I’m so tired of loving Kyle.
Why can’t I just move on to hating him?
After all the pain he’s caused me it should be easy to despise him and never want to see him again. I should be looking forward, toward the rest of my life, instead of sitting here lost in memories of his strong arms wrapped around me and his tongue licking a hedonistic path up my neck.
“Janny, wake up,” Kyle whispers in my ear while he caresses my cheek with his fingers. “Wake up gorgeous.” His deep voice sends chills through me.
I can’t open my eyes. I know once I do I’ll lose this moment and I need to stay here in this fantasy for however long I can. I wrap my arms around his neck and lift my face for his kiss. His warm lips brush against mine before his tongue licks along the fullness of my bottom lip. His hands slide into my hair and my mouth opens on a sigh. My tongue slips out to meet his and he groans. I dig my fingernails into the back of his neck and he pulls me closer when our tongues wrap around each other. His warm palms softly caress my cheeks before he pulls away. My eyes lazily open to find Zack sitting in front of me. I gasp and cover my lips with my fingers when I realize the kiss I was dreaming about wasn’t a dream at all. I press myself against the back of my chair, placing some distance between us.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his brows drawn together.
I bite on my bottom lip while I contemplate what to say. My parents taught me the truth is less painful than a lie. “I was dreaming about my ex and thought I was kissing him.”
His eyes go wide for a second before his trademark grin is back in place again. “Damn, that’s not what I expected you to say. I think you should let me take you to dinner and make you forget all about him.”
I smile at him and think about whether I should accept his invitation or not. His charming personality has me longing to spend more time with him. I’m not used to being around someone easy going. Kyle was so much more intense and intimidating. Look how that worked out for you. Maybe spending time with Zack would be good for me. I need to eat and he’d be great company. Maybe he’s just what I need to help me get over Kyle. God knows I’ve had enough complicated to last me a lifetime.
After convincing myself to go and give it a shot, he takes me to a deli a couple blocks from M&S. I pass by this place every day on my way to and from work. We order sandwiches and find a vacant table in the corner.
“I’ve never been here before.” I look around, taking in the black-framed caricature drawings of famous people hanging on the white and gray striped walls and the orange vinyl seats in the booths. This place has an offbeat feel to it and surprisingly, Zack seems like he fits right in.
“This is one of my favorite places to eat. I usually end up having lunch or dinner here most days.”
I don’t know why I thought he’d take me to some expensive restaurant, but assuming that was a huge disservice to him. He’s never given me any reason to think he’s a snob and I shouldn’t have judged him.
“This place has a great vibe. I really like it. If the food is as good as you seem to think it is I might be in trouble. It’s not far from where I live.” My eyes scan the room again and when they call out the number for our order, Zack jumps up to get it. I watch him walk away from me, taking note of how well his black pants fit. His shoulders are broad in his white shirt; he has a lean muscular build like a swimmer or runner.
He pays for our order, carries the tray over to where our table is and sets my corned beef sandwich down in front of me.
“Geez. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sandwich that big before.” The meat alone is about two inches thick and I’ll be lucky if I can finish half of it. “I know what I’m having for dinner tomorrow night.” I joke.
He places an order of French fries between us before taking a bite of his roast beef sandwich. I echo his movement, taking a bite of mine. My eyes close when the salty flavor hits my tongue and I hum with pleasure. When I open my eyes, he’s watching me with an amused expression on his face.
“What?” I ask, feeling self-conscious.
“You’re a hummer.” He says before taking another bite of his sandwich.
I snort. “I’m a what?”
“You’re one of those people who enjoy what they’re eating so much they hum when they chew.”
I’ve never really thought about it and no one has ever mentioned it to me before, but he’s right. I love to eat and I do make noises when I’m chewing. “Is this a bad thing?” I ask, wiping my mouth with my napkin. “Is it repulsive?” I set my napkin down in my lap and spread it out.
He laughs and shakes his head. “No, not at all. It’s adorable actually and it makes me wonder what other things make you hum.”
I gasp at his outrageous comment, ball my napkin up in my fist and throw it at him. It hits his chest and lands in his lap. He tosses it back over to me with a wink. My cheeks are hot with embarrassment. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I say before taking a sip of soda.
“I would like to know. I’m not going to lie and say I wouldn’t. I’m not going to pretend that staring at your sexy mouth doesn’t have me imagining one hundred different things it could do to me. I also wonder what kind of noises you’d make if my mouth was on your…”
“Stop.” I cut him off. “Jesus, Zack. You can’t say this stuff to me. I’m not ready for someone to say these things to me.” I shake my head. “I know you’re just being you, but I think the full Zack effect might be too much for me to handle right now. The past six weeks have been difficult for me, more difficult than you could probably imagine.” The sting of tears burns my eyes and I battle against it. I don’t want to cry tonight. I don’t want to cry ever again. How I have any tears left at this point is a mystery to me.
Zack places his hand on top of mine on the table. “Hey, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be less forthcoming with what I say to you from now on. This is the way I always am; I guess it never occurred to me that it might be too much for you to stomach.”
“No, don’t change who you are for me, Zack. Honestly, I’m not worth it. I’m a mess and it doesn’t take a lot to upset me these days.”
He squeezes my hand one final time before changing the subject. “How’s my uptight friend, Edwin, been treating you?”
Zack insists on walking me home after dinner and I’m glad for the company. I’m still not used to walking around the city on my own and I haven’t gone anywhere alone after dark. He’s quiet along the way and his silence surprises me.
We stop walking when we arrive at the front of my building. “This is me.” At a loss for what to do I shift the strap of my bag on my shoulder. My eyes scan all around us to avoid looking at him. This is starting to resemble the awkward goodbye of a first date.
Zack must sense my unease and he places his hand on my arm. “Relax, Janny. I’m not expecting a kiss goodnight.”
My face flushes, I’m embarrassed my thoughts are so transparent. When I look at him, the smile on his face immediately reassures me, removing all the awkwardness from the situation.
“Thank you for dinner and making sure I got home safely. I had a great time.”
He slides his hand down my arm and squeezes my fingers. “Can I take you out on a real date sometime? I know you said you’ve had a tough time lately, but I’m confident in my ability to keep your mind off whoever was dumb enough to let you get away.”
I’m tempted to say yes. I want to say yes, but I
can’t.
“I’m flattered. You’ve been nothing but sweet to me and it’s only fair I’m completely honest with you. I’m still in love with my ex and I’m not looking to replace him, but I’d like to go out with you as friends, if that’s okay?”
I left Zack on the sidewalk even though he asked if he could walk me to my door. I didn’t want to run the risk of having to deal with another awkward situation like the one we had only moments ago. I run a hand over my hair and shake my head annoyed with myself while I wait for the elevator.
The nape of my neck tingles like someone is staring at me. I slowly cast my eyes to the right and don’t see anything out of the norm. I turn my head to the left and see the same maintenance man I saw coming out of my apartment when I first moved in. He continues to stare at me while I pray for the elevator to come as soon as possible. When the doors open in front of me I rush to step on and when I turn around facing front, I lock eyes with him. His stare is sinister and disturbing enough to make me shiver. I breathe a sigh of relief when the doors close; blocking me from his view.
Janny’s lying on her back, the comforter pushed aside. Her arms are stretched above her head. I watch her breasts while they hypnotically rise and fall with each slow breath she takes. She sleeps soundly. That’s something I’ve learned from watching her these past couple of weeks – she never stirs.