by J. S. Scott
“You are back to your full exercise routine,” Brynn observed. “You look fantastic.”
“I’m doing even more than I was before,” I said. “Since I’m not as strict on my diet now, I walk a lot to keep fit and healthy.”
“Okay,” Brynn conceded. “His behavior is…weird. No sex at all?”
“Nada,” I confirmed after I’d swallowed a bite of my cake. “He won’t even really kiss me. I can’t put a finger on it, Brynn. He’s been so supportive, and with me every step of the way during my recovery. But it’s like part of him is…gone. He treats me more like a friend than a lover. I think maybe he just lost his romantic interest.”
It was the first time I’d actually said that thought aloud, and speaking my conclusion hurt like hell. Unfortunately, as I’d gone through the last few days of his complete absence, I had to be honest with myself.
Mason doesn’t want me anymore.
“No way,” Brynn denied. “The man is crazy about you.”
“I told him I loved him right after the shooting happened. He never even acknowledged it. It’s like I never said it. Maybe it was just too soon. But I couldn’t help myself. I almost died, and I wanted him to know the truth.”
It had nearly killed me that he’d never said it back. Not once. Nor had he even reminded me that I’d said it.
Obviously, he hadn’t wanted to hear it again.
“Have you talked to your counselor about it?” Brynn asked.
“Not really. She’s more of an expert at dealing with PTSD.” It had been Mason who had insisted on getting me counseling after the incident. I’d mentioned to him that I’d had nightmares about it, and he’d insisted that I get a counselor to work through the emotional part of the trauma.
It had definitely helped.
“Maybe Mason is still afraid that he’ll hurt you,” Brynn pondered.
“Doubtful,” I replied. “He knows I’m strong. I worked out in his home gym with him almost every day until he stopped inviting me a couple of days ago. But I do have a lot of scars. And he’s seen gross things that no boyfriend should see during the early part of a relationship. Taking out the chest tube was excruciating and messy, and I haven’t exactly looked normal until recently. I was pretty weak and beaten down for a while there. He was there for all of that. Maybe he just looks at me differently now.”
“If that’s true, which I doubt it is, then he isn’t the man I think he is,” Brynn answered in a disappointed tone. “A guy who really loves you is going to eventually see your weaker times. Your sick times. And they’re going to go through childbirth with you, which is pretty damn bloody. Never in a million years would I have said that Mason was that shallow.”
“It was a long recovery,” I reminded her. “It wasn’t exactly like I had a flu virus for four or five days.”
“Pregnancy lasts for nine months, and then there’s the birth itself,” she retorted. “You were the one really hurting.”
“He never claimed to love me,” I told her.
“He does,” Brynn said emphatically. “Carter said Mason nearly lost it when he found out you were in that restaurant.”
“Well, he’s avoiding me now. He even missed our Sunday call. He hasn’t called or texted in three days now. And all during my recovery, he’s treated me like a sister or a friend. He’s obviously letting go now that I’m healed.” I tried not to let my hurt and frustration surface, but my eyes welled up with tears anyway.
“Don’t give up, Laura. I don’t know what’s going through his head right now, but I don’t believe he sees you as a friend or a sister.”
“We haven’t slept in the same bed since my injury,” I confessed. “He stayed at his house, and I stayed in my condo. He was always gone by nighttime. Even when I was too weak to be really intimate with him, he could have just…stayed.”
Brynn was silent for a moment before she answered, “I have to admit, I can’t explain that. You did say he was there for your birthday, though.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, he was there. He brought takeout and a cake. We watched movies all evening. In separate reclining chairs. He gave me a gift card as a birthday present. It wasn’t exactly a romance filled evening.”
“Agreed,” Brynn said glumly. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him.”
“He obviously wants out,” I said, my voice sadder than I wanted it to be. “What I don’t get is why he didn’t tell me instead of avoiding my calls. But I’m getting the message loud and clear. I’m not calling or texting him anymore.”
“What about Hudson?” Brynn said gently. “He’s been flying in a lot to see you.”
I shrugged. “He’s nothing more than a friend. Hudson is easy to talk to, but I’m not attracted to him that way, and he’s not into me that way, either. We just…talk. He’s kind of like the brother I never had.”
Brynn snorted. “I never thought I’d hear a single woman say that about one of the Montgomery brothers. From the few times I’ve met Hudson, I thought he was a pretty nice guy. And it’s fantastic that he’s interested in Perfect Harmony.”
I cringed just a little. I hated the fact that I hadn’t been able to tell Brynn exactly why I knew Hudson. And I never would, no matter what happened between Mason and me in the future. Until Mason changed his mind about telling his siblings the truth about him being adopted, I’d be sticking to my story that I met Hudson for a meeting about Perfect Harmony when the shooting had occurred.
Hudson had done the same, and wouldn’t be informing anybody about the relationship between himself and Mason unless the truth came out.
For now, Hudson seemed perfectly content with keeping the secret.
Over the last month, I’d come to value Hudson’s friendship. He had flown into Seattle often to see how I was doing those first couple of weeks. He’d completely healed from his own injury quickly, and I was totally well again, but he continued to call me at least twice a week.
“Hudson isn’t investing in Perfect Harmony, but he’s there any time I need business advice,” I shared. “He’s a powerful business ally, but I mostly just appreciate him being a friend.”
Hudson and I spoke about what had happened that horrible day in the restaurant, but we’d also moved on to other topics.
I’d shared some of my past as a foster kid.
He’d shared some of his family history.
We’d bonded over the fact that we’d both had a pretty dysfunctional childhood.
I’d concluded that there was a lot more to the man than what I’d read about him in the past.
The only time he’d really shut me down was when I’d asked him about why he’d been carrying a gun in the restaurant. All he’d said was that he had his reasons, and he’d asked me to trust him that it wasn’t for any nefarious purposes.
He hadn’t wanted to talk about it, and I hadn’t wanted to push him to discuss something that was probably none of my business anyway, so I’d done exactly what he’d asked me to do. I trusted him. I had no reason not to. The man had probably saved my life.
“So what are you going to do about Mason?” Brynn asked softly.
I shrugged. “What can I do? I can’t make him love me. I haven’t called him lately because he doesn’t return my calls. It’s over, Brynn. I’m not going to keep torturing myself.”
I tried not to get too heavy with Brynn since she was married to Mason’s brother. The last thing I wanted to do was cause family friction of any kind, but it was really difficult to hold back. Brynn was my best friend, and I felt like my heart had been fractured into a million tiny little pieces.
“I think you should force him to at least give you a reason why he’s backed off.”
My heart ached as I told her, “It doesn’t really matter why. And I think his reason is perfectly obvious. The interest isn’t there anymore. If it was, we’d still be seeing each other.”
God, I missed the intimacy that Mason and I had shared. I still wanted to be close to him so badly that it hurt, even
though he obviously didn’t share my compulsion.
I got up to make another cup of coffee, and Brynn grabbed her empty mug to do the same.
I turned my back so she wouldn’t see the tears flowing down my cheeks.
“Hey, he’ll come around. Mason might be stubborn, but he isn’t stupid,” Brynn said gently.
“I’ll survive,” I said as I put my mug under the coffeemaker, put a pod into it, and slammed the top closed. “I got through being shot—I think I can get over a guy who doesn’t want me anymore.” I pushed the button for the coffee to brew.
“Laura, Mason isn’t like the previous men in your life. You’re really in love with him. I know you’re hurting, even though you haven’t said a word about how badly he’s hurt you. But I know. You’re my best friend,” Brynn said in a sympathetic voice.
She pulled on my upper arm with minimal pressure, urging me to turn to her.
Finally, I faced her with a sob. “It’s killing me, Brynn. I don’t know what to do. The Mason I knew is gone, and I miss him so damn much.”
I’d thought I could put on my big girl panties and handle what was happening between Mason and me, deal with it like a strong woman should.
I was wrong.
I threw myself into Brynn’s arms and wept.
Mason
Laura Hastings Blog Entry, Today, 9:30 a.m.
I want to thank you all for your support during the time that I was recovering from my injuries. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve done a blog post, even though I’ve been completely healed for over a week now.
Unfortunately, I’ve been going through a different kind of pain now, and I guess I just didn’t feel like I had much to talk about.
But I do now.
I think every woman has been through a relationship where it was hard to let go. Well, I’ve been having a difficult time doing that myself, but now, I think it’s time for me to move on.
You see, sometimes I think difficult circumstances can make or break a relationship. You either form a bond that’s even closer than it was before, or that tragedy rips you apart because that bond was never strong enough to hold through adversity in the first place.
In my case, the relationship didn’t stand the test. I couldn’t make somebody love me who really didn’t.
At first, I blamed myself, my scars, my weakness during a really down period in my life. But guess what…in real life, there are going to be times that are hard in many different ways. And if your love isn’t strong enough on both sides, that relationship will collapse.
It will hurt.
There will be tears and pain.
You’ll feel so damn lonely that it’s physically painful for a while.
My advice? Stand back and let that relationship fall. Don’t try to hold onto something that isn’t worth saving. I’m not saying it’s easy, but trying to grasp on to something that isn’t real is even more painful.
Ladies, we all deserve better.
We have to find that partner who will stay, even when your whole world is falling apart.
Is it going to hurt? Hell, yes. In fact, you are going to have moments when you never want to try again, and those emotional wounds are so excruciating that you completely fall apart.
Mourn it. Own it. But decide when it’s time to move on and just admit that the relationship wasn’t what you’d thought it would be.
Then, find a person who is going to love you…no matter what happens in your life, physical and emotional scars and all.
Those partners are out there.
Sometimes you just need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince Charming. : )
Eventually, I’ll kiss a few more frogs myself, and hope for the best.
Smile at yourself in the mirror at least once today. You’re beautiful, whether you know it or not.
Xoxoxo ~ Laura
“What in the fuck did you do?” Hudson Montgomery asked angrily as he walked through my office door.
“By all means, come in,” I said sarcastically, annoyed that the man had found a way into the executive offices, and on a damn weekend, too.
Not that I even bothered to question how that breach had happened.
Knowing what I did about Hudson now, I had no doubt he could find his way in through any kind of security.
“Did you read her fucking blog?” Hudson grumbled in a furious tone as he took a chair across from my desk. “I could feel her pain radiating through the damn computer, no matter how much she talked about healing, and I don’t like it. Laura has become like a second sister to me, and you’re a dumbass. She’s probably the best thing that ever happened to you. Did you just blow her off?”
“I was avoiding her calls for a few days. But I talked to her on the phone yesterday. I called her because I knew we needed some kind of closure,” I admitted. “I told her that I didn’t think we could continue our relationship. It wasn’t like she argued about it.”
Granted, I hadn’t explained myself, either, so I had probably deserved her cold goodbye before she’d hung up on me.
“Did you fucking expect her to argue with you? You’ve treated her like shit since she got well. She told me you ignored her calls, and pretty much just disappeared.” Hudson sounded furious. “I didn’t interfere then. I figured you’d come to your senses. But when I read that blog this morning, it ripped my damn heart out. What in the hell are you doing, Mason? I know damn well that you love her.”
It had torn my heart to shreds, too, but I didn’t want to admit that to Hudson. He’d never understand what I had to do.
My cousin and I had finally decided to make peace, and we spoke occasionally, mostly on the phone. I couldn’t say we were friends. More like friendly adversaries.
He’d openly shared every part of his life, and I had to admit that I had a reluctant respect for the guy and his brothers because of some of the things I’d discovered that weren’t general knowledge.
I’d shared almost nothing with him, and since I still hadn’t shared the truth with my siblings, his brothers and his sister still didn’t even know I existed.
Which was fine with me.
Most of the time.
“My relationship with Laura is over,” I said stoically. “It has been since the day she nearly died because of me.”
“Because of me,” he corrected. “I’m the one who invited her to that restaurant.”
I raised a brow. “You forget that you only did that to reach me.”
“This is a ridiculous conversation,” he exploded. “Are you really willing to let go of a woman who loves you that damn much? Some of us might be nasty and ornery, but we’ve never had a stupid Montgomery in the whole lot of us.”
“I’m a Lawson,” I growled.
“You’re both,” he shot back. “And I asked you if you’ve read her blog post.”
“I did,” I said sharply.
“You hurt her, and I’d like to beat the shit out of you until you hurt just as much as she does. She doesn’t deserve this from you, Mason. Especially considering that you love her just as much as she loves you.”
I lost it as I slammed my hand down on the desk so hard the whole thing rattled. “Yes, dammit! I will let her go if that means she’ll be safe and happy for the rest of her life. Sometimes, love has to be stronger than the desire to be with somebody. It has to be strong enough to let go to fucking protect the person you love. Do you honestly think it was easy for me to watch Laura go through all that physical pain? Or the emotional pain from the trauma? It nearly killed me, and I love her so damn much that I can’t watch it ever happen again. If she’s with me, she’s always going to be a target for some lunatic to come and do it again, or worse. And she’s independent enough to want some freedom. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have ever let her go anywhere alone, without me there. I can’t put her in prison that way. I can’t.” My voice was hoarse with emotion that I couldn’t contain.
Hudson gaped at me. “So this is all some self-sacrificing bullshit? You’re
trying to protect her?”
“Why the hell else would I do it?” I said, my chest heaving. “As long as she’s attached to me, she’s going to be a target for every person I’ve ever ruined in the past. I get death threats on a regular basis. I’d rather let her go than to know that I hurt her in any damn way.”
The day that Laura had told me that she loved me was the best and the worst day of my life.
At that moment, the second that the words had left her mouth, I’d known what I was going to have to do to protect her.
“Did you ever bother to give her that choice? Did you offer her a compromise? I get that you want to protect her. Hell, I want to protect her. But that doesn’t mean that you both have to walk around like zombies forever because your hearts are fucking broken. That’s crazy, Mason. You do love her, right?”
I shot him a murderous look. “I just said that I did. Too damn much. I haven’t been worth a shit to anybody since the day you two were shot. And no, we didn’t discuss the fact that she wasn’t safe as long as she was with me. There is no damn compromise. She’s either a target with me, or safe being away from me.”
“You do look like hell,” he considered. “But here’s the thing…safety is never a guarantee. Shit happens in life, no matter how cautious you might be. Either one us could get killed in a plane crash, or even crossing the street. You can’t protect her from everything bad in life.”
“And that drove me fucking crazy,” I growled. “I should be able to protect her. But I didn’t. I wanted her to be happy, so I agreed to not have a tail on her in San Diego.”
“A security detail wouldn’t have helped,” Hudson said solemnly. “It happened too damn fast. I was sitting right there with her, and I couldn’t prevent her from getting shot. So don’t blame yourself for that.”
I raked a hand through my hair. “I can’t help it.”
“Forget the shooting. It’s over. You hurt her this time. Badly,” he said accusingly.
“Then what in the hell would you have me do?”
He hesitated before he said, “Negotiate. Or just tell her that for your peace of mind, you need a detail on her until you feel a little more relaxed. The shooting was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, Mason. The odds of it ever happening again are astronomical. Really, it wasn’t your fault or mine. It was because some madman shot up a restaurant. You’re giving up your whole damn life out of the fear of seeing Laura hurt that way again. Did it ever occur to you that her not being with you makes her even less safe? You know you’re going to take care of her the best you can. And time together with no further problems would have helped you get over this crippling fear. Right now, she’s alone. Maybe she isn’t a target of your enemies, but there are other crazy people out there.”