Sarah is a lovely, open and generous person, and she wants to connect with people. Sarah wanted to be loved, and she wanted to be heard. Unfortunately, there are certain types of people who will always take advantage of that generosity and openness. I think the eventual realisation of that took its toll on her emotionally. She got hurt by people who took advantage. There was this perception of Sarah that she was this rock-chick party girl, having the best time, but that wasn’t always the case. Sometimes, I felt like that was the persona she thought she needed, just to fit in. Maybe the real Sarah was the fresh-faced girl with no make-up on, curled up, reading a book.
Sarah came alive on stage – and absolutely loved rocking out for all she was worth. She was brilliant in a live situation and very reliable. Like Sarah, I wasn’t as accomplished a dancer as some of the other girls, so Sarah and I liked to make up for it in the live vocal side of things, particularly with ad-libs and harmonies. We had some great moments of singing and harmonising together, adding stuff that wasn’t always on the recorded versions of the songs, but that added colour at the live shows. I recall one live concert video where you can still hear the two of us ad-libbing as we ran off the stage at the end of the show.
The downside was, she was always so stressed out and tense in the run-up to the show. In that respect, nothing had really changed since her days on Popstars: The Rivals. She worried so much that something wasn’t going to work out or that she was going to mess up, that she often did mess up during rehearsals and then she’d be furious with herself. On the night, of course, she’d just blow everybody away.
When the time came to stand up and be counted, Sarah delivered every time. I got used to the fact that, although she tortured herself all the way through the process, it would be all right in the end.
Sarah loves to talk. She always has. For one work trip, we flew to New Zealand, and our travel time was 33 hours. Sarah and I sat together on the plane and, I kid you not, she talked for all of that 33 hours. I mean, the whole time. On the duration of that journey, we drank, we got sober, we drank again, and Sarah just talked throughout. I got the inside-out story of whatever guy she was seeing at the time – this part, that part, what did happen, what didn’t and what might happen.
When we got to New Zealand, it was all grand and off we went to work. While on the trip, I met a guy who I really liked in Australia, but with our schedules as mad as they were, I didn’t really get time to fill Sarah in on all the gossip or even tell her about this guy. So, on the way home, as Sarah and I settled into our seats together, I felt like it was a good time to tell Sarah what had been going on with me.
I literally got about half a sentence out when Sarah said, ‘Yeah, babe, sorry. I’m tired. I’m just going to go to sleep.’
‘YOU’RE WHAT?’ My voice went up about three octaves. ‘I listened to you going on for thirty-three hours non-stop on the way here, and now you want to go to sleep!’
‘I don’t remember that,’ she said, genuinely oblivious.
Over the years, I’ve tried to be there for Sarah in the way a big sister would, even though I’m younger than she is. Knowing she’s quite vulnerable and hates confrontation, I have tried, on occasion, to step in when I felt like someone was taking advantage of her or speaking inappropriately to her. I hated the idea that some people thought they could talk to Sarah in a way they wouldn’t talk to anybody else. Whether it was someone we worked with in a live situation, or in the studio, or one of our team, talking down to her as if she were stupid or a naughty child. I don’t think it’s because many of them were terrible people; it’s more that some people around us saw her as an easy target, perhaps because she always seemed so eager to please. I saw it happen a lot, and it upset me. Nobody would have spoken to me like that, so why were they doing it to Sarah?
We all got together recently, all five of Girls Aloud – I’m sure Sarah is going to tell you all about it at some point in the book. Given Sarah’s circumstances, it was a really wonderful thing, us all being together, but I felt like my eyes might fill with tears every time she spoke. Why? Because it was the first time I could ever remember that Sarah was the main focus of attention, just chatting away normally. No drama. She was just telling us all where she went for dinner or what she bought at the supermarket. We were all listening to her. We were all focused on her. For the first time ever, Sarah was given the floor.
The whole experience was a reminder of just how funny and open she is and how she really doesn’t care. Whatever life throws at her, she’ll go about her business and remain essentially Sarah. There was a lot of laughter and honesty, and I found the whole experience very moving. It was probably one of the few times everybody got to see Sarah as she really is. As sad as I felt for what she was going through, I was, in that respect, really happy for her.
CHAPTER NINE
When I think about it, a lot of the stories I have about Girls Aloud shenanigans seem to involve Nadine and me. On one occasion, early on in our career, I almost missed a crucial moment, not once but twice.
We’d all flown out to Los Angeles to record some songs with Brian Higgins, who had a house up in the hills at the time. I remember us all being ridiculously excited because we were flying business class, which was a first for all of us. Nadine and I fell utterly in love with LA, and the minute we had some time off, we went like proper tourists. We went to Venice Beach and ate candy floss, and I bought a Santa Monica hoodie, which I still have. At the end of the trip, we had some time off, so Nadine suggested we fly to Vegas together as she was going to stay with her dad out there. I was still with Mikey at the time, so I asked if he’d like to come out to Vegas and join me if I bought him a flight. It felt nice finally being in a position where I could do stuff like that, and I knew we’d have a great time together. I’ve always liked to treat friends, especially my mates who weren’t lucky enough to be able to afford to do some of the things I did. If I wanted to share time with someone, I was happy to pick up the bill so we could be together. I have to say, over the years, some people have been less appreciative than others, but that’s another story!
The problem with Mikey making such a short trip out to Vegas was the eight-hour time difference. He was so jet-lagged during his three-day stay, I think he ended up sleeping for most of the time he was there. I ended up wandering around some of the casinos on my own. I’m not really a gambler, but I did enjoy myself playing the slot machines.
On the way back, Nadine was due to fly on the same flight from LAX as Mikey and me, but it was cancelled. We were told that there were two other flights we might be able to get on. Somehow, we got separated, and while Nadine was able to get on the first available flight, Mikey and I were not. It was frustrating and nerve-wracking too, as we were due to appear at the TMF Awards in the Netherlands two days later. TMF was a Dutch music channel and Girls Aloud had been nominated for an award, and we were also performing, so it was quite a big deal for us. There was worse to come, however. Our second flight was also cancelled, so the next thing I knew, we were on a bloody shuttle bus being shipped to a hotel overnight as there were no more flights to London. By this time, I was out of my mind, knowing that I was supposed to get back to London, get my shit together at home, and then get on a flight to Holland for the awards. As time went on, I realised that just wasn’t going to happen, so I started looking at how I could fly straight from LA to Holland. I got so overwrought about the idea of letting the girls down and missing the awards, I was a mess.
I can still see myself, screaming and crying on the phone in LAX with Mikey by my side.
‘Will you just please try to calm down?’ he was saying. ‘It’s all going to be fine.’
I couldn’t calm down, though. I was worried about getting into trouble for being a no-show. Even if I did fly straight to Holland, how was I going to get my dress and all my stuff for the ceremony?
In the end, Mikey ended up flying back to London while I had to take a separate flight. Never mind that I’d originally had
my first-ever business class ticket; I was now stuck at the rear of the plane and had to lump it. There I was, squashed in economy, crying and rocking all the way to Holland.
To make matters worse, I got stopped and searched at the airport, which held me up further, and I knew that the soundcheck for our performance was imminent. Honestly, by that point, it had been over 24 hours of absolute high-stress, and my nerves were in shreds.
I finally made it to the soundcheck by the skin of my teeth. Luckily, our tour manager, Drew, had managed to pack a spare black dress for me to wear, so at least that was sorted. The only problem was, there was only one pair of heels going spare, which belonged to Cheryl. Yes, Cheryl, who is a size 3, while I’m a size 5. We did our performance of ‘Love Machine’, with me tottering around in silver shoes which were two sizes too small for me, but even then my drama wasn’t over. Later, as we sat in the audience waiting for the announcement of the winner of the Best UK Act, I was suddenly desperate for a pee. I asked if I could go several times, but Drew kept telling me that I had to wait for a break, just in case.
When the show finally went to a break, I darted out to the loo with Drew escorting me. There I was, sitting on the toilet mid-flow when suddenly I hear, ‘And the winners are … Girls Aloud!’
‘OH MY FUCKING GOD!’ I’d endured the whole nightmarish trip from America to Holland, fuelled by nervous energy and sheer force of will, and I’d still somehow managed to miss our award announcement.
Poor Drew, who’d been lurking outside the ladies’ loo, shouted from behind the door, ‘Sarah! Get off the bloody toilet!’
I had to stop myself mid-wee, pull up my knickers and run. Drew all but threw me up the stairs from the toilets and back down them into the auditorium.
‘Tell the girls to walk slowly,’ he shouted at someone.
We had to cross over a walkway to get to the stage, and while the girls strolled on demurely, there was little old me, tearing along behind them to catch up. It looked like I was excited to receive our award, but in truth I was just rushing to catch the girls up to get to the stage in time. When we got up there, I grabbed the award and yelled, ‘YES!’
When you have the reputation of being the crazy, scatty one, sometimes people can think the worst of you even when you’re entirely innocent. In 2006, the Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, invited us to Shanghai to perform, showing communist China a bit of what UK pop music had to offer. It was a cultural trip regarding trade relations between London and Shanghai, as the mayor’s office also had an office there. Unfortunately, we arrived amid a bloody monsoon, so it wasn’t the best weather to experience the city. Still, Nadine and I got out there and saw the sights, visiting a temple while we had the chance – all with a camera crew in tow as we were filming our documentary TV show, Off the Record, at the time for Channel 4. The other girls weren’t quite as mad keen as we were, so holed up in the hotel for the day.
The reception itself, where we were performing, was a huge deal. We were doing a scaled-down version of our set, but it wasn’t our finest performance by any stretch of the imagination. The mayor looked like he was enjoying himself, but I think some of our sexy moves might have been a bit risqué for that particular audience.
The funniest part of that trip happened behind the scenes. The girls were often playing pranks, and Hillary was often on the receiving end. Now, I am going to state my case here and tell you that I was not a prank player, and did not take part in any practical jokes, although on one occasion the girls decided to use me as bait.
They anonymously rang one of the assistants working on the event. I’m not sure exactly which of the girls it was, but they told the assistant that one of Girls Aloud was inebriated and lying semi-naked outside one of the lifts on their floor of the hotel. Of course, the assistant called Hillary immediately, as the girls knew they would. The assistant explained to Hillary that, as the band member was partially clothed and in a state, they couldn’t approach or touch her in any way for fear of accusations or reprisals. They suggested that Hills sort out the situation herself, and get her band member safely to bed. On hearing this, Hillary’s immediate reaction was, ‘Oh my God! Sarah!’ Never mind the fact that nobody had mentioned any name whatsoever. Hills just assumed it must be me, exactly as the girls knew she would.
The next day at breakfast, I greeted Hillary with a good morning, noticing that she didn’t look all that happy. I was with Nicola having breakfast at the time.
‘Are you OK, Hills? I asked, bright-eyed and ready for the day.
To be honest, I was the only one who was bright-eyed, as I’d not stayed up drinking with the rest of the girls.
‘Fine,’ Hillary said, but she certainly didn’t look it. ‘I can take a joke like the rest of you.’
Nicola leant across the table. ‘You’ll never guess what we did to Hillary last night. We told her you were passed out naked outside a lift, so she came to find you.’
It turned out that when Hills had gone out to rescue me and save my dignity, the girls had been hiding around the corner when Hills came down from her floor to ours. They’d heard the ding of the lift and then Hillary’s voice – quiet at first, then gradually getting louder: ‘Sarah! Sarah!’
Of course, she was wandering around the hotel corridor looking for me, not realising that I was safely tucked up in bed because I was so jet-lagged. I could just imagine it. They were so bad those girls, particularly Nicola, Kimberley and Cheryl. Nadine got involved in the pranks sometimes, but I never did.
On another occasion – I can’t remember where – they told Hillary that the police were outside a hotel and that Nadine was going to be arrested for not paying her taxes. I’d never seen Drew move so fast, trying to sneak us out of the back entrance of a hotel. The long and the short of the story is that I’m often seen as the troublemaker of the band. I think not! They were sneaky little buggers sometimes, those girls!
It was quite an honour to be asked to perform at an event like the one in Shanghai. Those were the moments I learned to appreciate being in Girls Aloud. Those wonderful and unique things I got to do, and the fantastic people I got to meet.
I’ve met so many famous people over the years, some real superstars. I have so much respect for people like that: people who have worked hard to get where they are in such a tough business. I’ve not actually met my biggest idols – well, not properly – but then again, that’s probably a good thing, right? They say never meet your heroes in case they don’t live up to your expectations in real life. That’s definitely a bubble I wouldn’t want to burst.
I suppose my idols are all similar in some ways. They’re all strong, talented women, all musicians, all big stars. Growing up, it was Madonna. I loved her image, her music, her strength and attitude and the ways she pushed boundaries in so many areas. Still, I think she might be intimidating in person. Another of my idols is Lady Gaga. I actually did kind of meet her, when I was backstage at The X Factor one time. Gaga was in a dressing room next door to us, and as she was on our label, Claire Close, our TV promoter at Polydor, was looking after her. I wish I’d have gotten the chance for a proper introduction, but it didn’t happen.
Gwen Stefani has always been a massive influence for me too. I remember in the early days when our Polydor MD, Colin Barlow, had called me into his office to talk. He knew I’d been unhappy at the start of the band, wanting to write more and sing more, and he tried to assure me how important my role in the band was. He told me I could be an icon within the band if I put my mind to it. While I was with him, he was playing a track for me to get my opinion. It was almost as if he wanted to get a feel for my musical ear. At one point, Colin asked me to listen to the song they were planning to be Gwen Stefani’s next release. The song was ‘What You Waiting For?’. Colin asked me what I thought of it, and I told him it was a smash! Thinking back, maybe I should have tried my luck working in A&R – I’d have been good at that. I always had an ear for what would be a hit.
Sometime later, in 2004, we
did our first Royal Variety Performance. We performed our single ‘The Show’, starting the performance sitting under old-fashioned hairdryers. We wore outfits that look a bit like glamorous, tight-fitting hairdresser’s tabards, in black and pink. During the instrumental break of the song, we all disappeared behind curtains, only to be revealed again in fabulously co-ordinated red dresses. Gwen was on the same bill as us that year, and I remember thinking how fantastic she looked when I saw her backstage after the show. I asked her who her shoes were by, and told her how much I wanted them. I was so into Gwen’s music – it was smart, slick pop, just like Madonna before her and Gaga after. In fact, I’ve always seen Gaga as a bit of a cross between Gwen Stefani and Madonna – in all the best ways. All three of them could be both tough and sweet when they wanted to be, and that was something I both loved and admired.
I did have one very starstruck moment, while I was out at Nobu Malibu with Stephen Dorff. Cher was sitting on the table right next to us. I’d been a huge fan of hers growing up. The funny thing about that was, Cher is Calum Best’s godmother, although I never met her while I was dating him. Cher had become great friends with Calum’s mum, Angie, when she accompanied Cher on tour as her fitness instructor, back in the day. I do remember how on that occasion I was silently screaming inside with excitement.
During the time I’ve been working on this chapter, I’ve unexpectedly ended up back in the hospital. Mum wanted them to look me over and keep an eye on me because I’ve had a couple of incidents where I’ve fallen over. Also Mum says I seem a bit confused sometimes. Last week, when I fell down, I couldn’t get up. Then, there was another time when I was trying to get a sweater over my head. I felt weak, and it was a struggle, and in the end I felt like I couldn’t breathe, which brought on a panic attack. Mum had to come running in to help me. She stood by me and told me to breathe … breathe … until I’d calmed down and it had subsided. It’s strange how something that would typically be so simple becomes such a mammoth undertaking when you’re sick. It’s a new normal that I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to.
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