by Melody Grace
But what does that make me?
Emerson drops one final, searing kiss on my lips, and then stalks away. I sink against the railing, clutching on for dear life as I watch him climb up into his truck and start the engine, the headlights cutting through the night. He backs up and drives away, the lights fading as he disappears into the trees.
I’m left alone on the porch, body burning with the imprint of his hands, lips swollen from the force of his kisses. I feel more wretched and guilty and confused and alone than I ever have before.
What the hell am I going to do now?
Chapter Six
I spend another night not sleeping, restlessly dismantling a guest bedroom into boxes, but nothing can erase the memory of Emerson’s searing kiss. It’s like he’s still lingering there in the shadows of the living room, or out on the porch, in the front yard. I can’t get the image of him out of my mind: the way he looked as he grabbed me with those powerful hands, growling low and sexy in my ear.
Mine.
I don’t know what to think. He was the one who ended things! He was the one who shattered my heart, four long summers ago. And now, it’s like he wants me all the same—right when I’m not his to take.
I’m so confused, I can’t take it. By the time the sun rises, I’m on the road: heading back to Charlotte as fast as my Camaro will take me. I don’t even wait around to meet Lacey’s walk of shame, I just leave her a scribbled note on the counter, throw my duffel in the backseat and get the hell out of town.
I half expect Emerson to find me and stop me somehow, and it’s not until the Welcome to Beachwood Bay sign is receding in my rearview mirror that I let out a slow sigh of relief. My hands are clenched tight around the steering wheel, and I flex them, trying to relax. I know it’s a coward’s way out, to just turn and run, but I don’t know what else I can do. I can’t stay in that town a minute longer, not when all it takes is one look from Emerson to undo the last four years healing; when all it takes is one touch for me to throw every promise out the window.
To come undone.
My phone buzzes with a new text message. I pick it up to check the screen.
Jules, we need to talk. CALL ME.
I’m coming over, this is crazy.
Where r u? Ur not here. Call me.
Emerson.
He’s been texting since 5AM, calling too. I don’t know where he got the number—through Lacey, maybe—but it doesn’t matter. He’s the last man on earth I need to talk to right now. The phone buzzes again in my hand, and I’m about to hit “decline call” when I see the caller ID is Lacey.
I pick up. “Hey.”
“Hey, she says!” Lacey exclaims, her voice loud down the line. “What the fuck happened? I come home, and there’s nothing but a note. ‘Back in Charlotte.’ Jules, tell me what’s going on?”
“It’s fine,” I lie. “I just needed to get back to the city. How was Garrett? Did you have fun?”
“Don’t change the subject with me, missy.” Lacey isn’t taking my bullshit for a second. “And for the record, guys with beards should never give head. It’s way too scratchy. But back to you and your vanishing act. Details, stat, now.”
I sigh, easing my foot off the gas a little. “Lace…”
“It’s Emerson, isn’t it?” Her voice darkens. “I knew I shouldn’t have loaned my phone to Garrett. What did he do?”
“It’s not him.” I tell her, miserable. I see an exit up ahead with a gas station, so I shift lanes. “Hold on a sec,” I tell her, putting the phone aside as I take the exit and turn off, pulling in to park by the gas station store.
The lot is empty. I pick up the phone again. “OK, I’m back.”
“What happened, Jules. Did Emerson try something?”
“It’s not his fault, it’s mine.” I take a deep breath, and admit the terrible truth. “Oh, Lacey, I don’t know what to do. I cheated on Daniel.”
She gasps. “Juliet! You slept with the ex?!”
“No!” I yelp quickly. “God, no, nothing like that.”
I don’t say how close we came, but I feel the shame anyway.
“I don’t get it?” Lacey sounds confused. “If you guys didn’t fuck, how did you cheat?”
I pause. “We kissed.” I admit, feeling another twist of guilt in my stomach.
“Like, below the belt?” Lacey prods.
“No,” I reply. At least, not technically. “We just made out. But Lacey, it was… epic.” I sigh, staring out at the row of pumps and tire compression checks. “I’m a terrible, awful, slutty monster of a person. What am I going to do? Daniel’s going to hate me for sure.”
“Whoa, whoa, back up,” Lacey orders me. “First of all, making out with a guy is so not cheating.”
“It is to me!” I protest.
“Details,” Lacey dismisses me. “But more importantly, why the hell would you tell Daniel any of this, are you insane, or just a masochist?”
“But, of course I have to tell him.” I blink. “Lacey, I can’t lie about something like this.”
“Why not?” she challenges me. “Listen, think about it, Jules. Daniel is perfect for you, anyone can see that. Do you really want to screw everything up over what, one stupid little kiss?”
My make-out with Emerson may have been stupid, but there was nothing little about it.
“I don’t know,” I murmur. “Lacey, I feel terrible.”
“And that’s what makes you a good person.” She decides. “Answer me this: would you have cheated on Daniel with anyone else?”
“God, no!” I exclaim.
“And would you have made out with Emerson if you hadn’t been back in Beachwood?”
“Never,” I vow fervently.
“Then you don’t have a problem,” Lacey insists. “It was one minor slip-up—being back in town, all the old memories…It’s not like it’s going to ever happen again, right?”
“Right,” I echo quietly, even though I have no idea if that’s true. “But Lacey, lying to Daniel…”
“I know, it sucks,” she agrees. “But if you tell him, you’re only hurting him. And for what? So you can get the guilt off your chest? That’s just selfish.”
I don’t reply. Part of me knows she’s just making excuses, but the other part of me can see the sense in what she’s saying.
“Emerson’s in your past, right?” Lacey prompts me, her voice cutting through my indecision. “Daniel’s your future. Why would you want to screw that up? Listen to me, babe,” she adds, “this thing with Emerson was probably inevitable. One last go around, you know? To get him out of your system. And now you have, you can move on. Simple.”
I let out a long breath. “Thanks, Lace.”
“Anytime.” I can hear the grin in her voice. “So, are you coming back?”
“I don’t know,” I reply. “I haven’t really thought that far.”
I didn’t think at all: my contacts are still on the bathroom sink at the beach house, my textbooks still piled up in the guest room. I didn’t even bother to lock up right, I just got in the car and drove.
“Well, you mind if I stick around a few days?” Lacey asks. “I could use the vacation before finals, and the, uh, relaxation.”
I feel myself smile, for the first time all day. “I thought the beard was a deal-breaker.”
“He’s going to shave,” Lacey replies, laughing. “I figure we can give it another try.”
“Sure,” I say. “Stay as long as you like. I’ll call you when I know what I’m going to do.”
“Drive safe,” she tells me. “And Jules?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Her voice is soft with sympathy. “It was just a kiss, OK?”
“Love you.”
I hang up and toss the phone onto the passenger seat. Just a kiss? I know what she’s trying to say, but Lacey wasn’t there last night. Calling what happened with Emerson “just a kiss” is like saying I just got shot in the heart, or just stepped off a cliff
. There’s no “just” about it.
Lacey means well, but she hasn’t helped ease the terrible weight of guilt I’ve got crushing down on my ribcage, constricting my lungs tighter and tighter…
I gasp, quickly rooting through my bag for the little vial of pills. I don’t want to take one, but I can feel the anxiety building, and the tell-tale skitter of my heartbeat speeding up in my chest. Warning signs of what’s to come. Hating myself, I slip one of the pills onto my tongue, and take a swig of water to wash it down.
Almost immediately, my heartbeat slows, just from the knowledge that I’ve got things under control.
I exhale slowly.
It’s a vicious cycle, I know: the pills make me feel calmer, just sitting there in my purse, but I’m never going to get over these panic attacks if I can’t find a way of controlling myself without them. It feels like I’m failing, somehow. Like my body is out of my control, and it’s a weakness that could spell disaster for me one day.
Remind you of anything—or anyone?
I put the car back in drive and circle back out to meet the highway again. For a moment I think about heading back to Beachwood, but then I flash to Emerson, his lips branding mine with their passion. There’s no way in hell I’m ready to face him again, so I turn onto the northbound lane, and keep driving.
The miles pass. I’m still caught up in guilt and confusion, but now Lacey’s added a new nugget of indecision to all my worry. As I leave the coast further behind, heading towards the city, I find myself wondering if maybe my best friend is right. Maybe I shouldn’t tell Daniel. What good would it do now, anyway? If Emerson really is in my past, then how will dragging it all up again make any difference—except from wrecking the future I’ve worked so hard to build?
For the first time, I find myself wishing that I’d come clean from the start, and told Daniel just how intense that summer really was. Maybe if he’d known all along how much I loved Emerson, then he could understand the strange power my ex has over me even now. I sigh. It’s way too late for that. And besides, Daniel wouldn’t believe it, even if I tried. He’s never seen that side to me, not even close. The Juliet he knows is reserved and thoughtful, not recklessly wanton. I never wanted to be that girl with him. It took three months of dating before I’d sleep with him, another six before I said, “I love you.” Our sex life is good, sure, but it’s regular—sweet, and tender, not wild or burning up out-of-control. I thought I was past all that. I figured that was just about being eighteen and inexperienced, when everything felt so new and dangerous. A real, adult relationship doesn’t have those highs, but it wouldn’t send me plummeting into the abyss of lows either.
No, I realize with a sinking heart that Daniel would never understand. He could never imagine I could come undone from a single touch, or just the look of passion in a man’s eyes. He’d think I chose this: that I set out to cheat, and to hurt him, with a clear mind. Like it was ever a conscious decision to fall into Emerson’s embrace.
So that’s it then, I realize, as the city comes into view. Lacey’s right. Hurting Daniel isn’t worth it just to absolve myself of my own, crushing sense of guilt. Not when this is a one-time mistake, and not ever going to happen again. It’s a burden I’ll bear alone. My future is here with Daniel. Beachwood Bay and Emerson are all in my past.
They have to be.
I park on the street and let myself up to Lacey’s and my apartment. We’re off-campus, in a busy neighborhood, and when I walk in the front door, I find that Lacey has left the place in a messy whirlwind: dirty dishes in the sink and textbooks abandoned in a study nook on the floor.
I head to the bathroom and run the shower hot, stripping off my shorts and pajama shirt and stepping under the jets of water as if I can blast all memories of Beachwood off my skin with the trickle of sand down the drain. I lean against the tile, letting the hot water beat away at my body. It’s been over twelve hours since Emerson’s hands were running over me, but I can still feel the imprint they left behind.
The desire that shocked through me like lightning…
No, I scold myself. There’s no room for that in my mind, not now that I’m back in the city. The only way I can keep my life together is if I scrub him out of my system for good. So, I try my best: lathering shampoo in my hair, rubbing briskly at every inch of flesh with a loofah until my whole body is raw and fresh again.
In my room, I dry off and lay out a new outfit. A preppy pencil skirt and silk blouse—a million miles away from anything I’d wear at the beach. I blow-dry my hair into a neat cascade, apply makeup, and fasten on the pretty gold and sapphire studs that Daniel gave me for our one-year anniversary. I look like my old self again: cool, collected.
Back in control.
I drive over to the college campus and head to the law library. Daniel will have spent the morning in study sessions, but he takes a break for lunch around this time every day. I settle in to wait on one of the benches outside the library entrance, but it’s only a few minutes before he emerges, looking tired and distracted.
“Hey, babe!” I wave him over, and he brightens, just at the sight of me.
“Juliet, what are you doing here?” He sweeps me into a hug, and lands a soft kiss on my forehead, grinning. “You said you’d be all week.”
“I know.” I hug him tight, relieved at the feel of his body against mine. Safe. Secure. “But I missed you. And, I need to check in with one of my professors about review notes,” I add, to cover for my unexpected return.
“Are you heading back today?” Daniel asks, looking down at me. His brown hair is cut neatly in a stylish cut, and even on a study day—when the rest of his classmates are wandering around in PJs and raggedy jeans—he’s cleanly-shaven and dressed in a button-down Oxford shirt and preppy pants.
I breathe him in, the familiar clean scent of citrus and aftershave, and just like that, Beachwood recedes way to the back of my mind.
I don’t know what I was thinking, wanting to tell him about Emerson. I wasn’t thinking at all. I’d have to be crazy to fuck things up with a man like this. A good man who loves me—not the bastard who broke my heart.
“Jules?”
I blink. Daniel is staring down at me. He releases me from his embrace and frowns. “I asked when you’re going back. Hey, are you OK?” He looks at me quizzically.
“Fine!” I answer quickly. “Just tired, from the drive.” I catch my breath. “I’m not sure when I’ll go back. It’s so much work. Maybe it’d be better to get a packing service in,” I add. “The realtor said she knew some people.”
“I thought you wanted the time to study.” Daniel takes my hand in his and starts walking. I don’t need to ask where we’re going: he always takes his lunch break at a sandwich shop down the street. Roast turkey on whole grain, mustard, no pickle. “You said it’d be easier to focus out there, with no distractions.”
Focus? Ha. There’s no way I’m getting any study done in that house, not with Emerson ready to come sweep me off my feet and slam me up against the porch door.
“I don’t know.” I give a vague shrug. “That house… there are too many memories.”
Memories of what, I don’t tell him.
Daniel gives my hand a sympathetic squeeze. “Whatever you want, babe. Maybe you should wait until after finals,” he suggests, sounding enthusiastic. “Then we could both go down together. Take a couple of weeks, have a real vacation. Pack up while we’re there.”
My blood freezes. Daniel and Emerson in the same five mile radius? Hell no!
“No!” I yelp. “I mean, dad wants to sell now. Like, in the next month. It’s sweet of you to offer,” I tell him quickly, “but it’s my problem. I’ll figure it out.”
“Sure you will.” Daniel smiles at me. “Hey, that reminds me. Your sister invited us to dinner with her and Alexander tonight. I said you were out of town, but I’ll let her know we can make it now.”
I stop. Just the mention of my sister is enough to make me tense. “Dinner? Reall
y? I kind of just wanted to chill with you tonight.”
“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Daniel urges me. “And we have to go. You’ve been blowing off her invites for months now.”
“That’s because I don’t want to go,” I mutter darkly.
Daniel laughs. “She’s your sister, it’ll be fine. I’ll drive, so you can even have a glass of wine.”
Try the whole damn bottle, I silently add.
“So, I’ll call her.” Daniel smiles, hugging me. I want to argue, but I know family is important to Daniel. He talks to his older brother all the time and calls his parents every Sunday like clockwork. Back when we started dating, I didn’t want him knowing how fucked up my folks are, so I acted like we were just regular people: distant, but fine. Instead of leaving things be, now he acts like it’s his duty to bring us all back together any opportunity he gets.
I look up at him. Daniel seems so expectant, and I feel so guilty, that I sigh and nod. “Fine, we’ll go.”
“Great.” Daniel looks satisfied: one more step in his “reunite the family” plan accomplished. “I’ve got a review session at one, but you good to meet later?”
I nod again.
He smiles. “I’m glad you’re back. I missed you.” Daniel pulls me closer and kisses me, soft and slow on my lips. I sink into his embrace, trying to block out all my guilty thoughts, but when I close my eyes, it’s not Daniel’s face I see, or his lips I feel pressing against mine.
Emerson.
I pull away. “You better get going if you don’t want to be late!” I exclaim brightly.
Daniel checks his watch. “Shit, you’re right. See you at my apartment later?” His hands slide around my waist and squeeze suggestively. “I really missed you,” he adds with a meaningful grin.
My heart catches in my throat. “Me too!” I squawk, backing away. “Later!”
Daniel heads off across campus. I take a breath. I’m surprised he can’t tell everything just from looking at my face. My skin is prickling with a guilty blush, and my heart is racing like I just robbed a bank.