"Rather like journalists? People say that about me, too," T'Daisy pointed out.
"I can't love a man who doesn't respect me," she said. He'd betrayed her more than by kissing another woman.
"Don't be a fool," T'Daisy said roughly.
Giniana saw his HeartMate poke him. The man stepped aside, and D'Daisy glided in. "Thrisca's time Healing is in the morning, isn't it? Go home, Giniana, and care for your Fam and yourself."
And Giniana realized that she had had more help than she'd anticipated, from all around her, even without asking.
People had spared her pride by helping her without asking, making it easier on her.
She straightened her shoulders. "I—I—you've given me too much," she said. "You've kept me on when you—"
"Not at all," T'Daisy interjected. "We're glad we had you, enjoyed every moment of sleep and privacy you let us have at night and knowing you cared well for our baby daughter."
"But it's time we take on the responsibility ourselves," D'Daisy said. "Go home and rest for your big event tomorrow."
T'Daisy raised his hand. "I'm summoning our glider for you."
In a daze, Giniana let them walk her through the house and settle her into the glider. Then she had long minutes of the dark ride to try and not think. She couldn't close her eyes, or she'd see Morifa Daisy in Klay's arms again.
Actors couldn't be trusted. She'd spent years seeing and experiencing and feeling that, had embraced the illusion that Klay was different. But he couldn't be trusted.
Their relationship was over.
She had enough hurt and sorrow and lingering anger mixed with self-pity that she 'ported directly from outside the T'Spindle estate gates to the cottage. The instant she arrived, her scrybowl activated. "Please come to the Residence immediately upon your return, no matter the time." T'Spindle's message boomed throughout the cottage. He sounded irritated. Giniana shrank inside. She didn't recall the easy-going lord ever being annoyed at her.
Uh-oh, Melis said, curling tight between Thrisca's front legs.
Thrisca licked her paw. Uh-oh, indeed.
Giniana gritted her teeth, spoke aloud and with deliberation. "GrandLord T'Spindle scried and left a message and you didn't notify me telepathically?"
Thrisca sniffed in punctuation and that triggered a bout of coughing. Melis licked her under her chin, and answered mentally, We was outside with the door open and I sorta heard him but didn't know his voice so I ignored him and—
"Thrisca just ignored him because she's a cat," Giniana interrupted.
Yes, Melis confirmed. It was nice outside and We was playing. And You was at work at the Daisys.
"And playing takes priority to notifying me of a call by my primary employer," Giniana snarled.
Yes.
By ONE of Your employers, Thrisca added. Besides, You were raging at Johns and not paying attention to anything less than a huge mind shout. Thrisca began coughing again and Giniana let more tears dribble down her cheeks as she strode over to pet her Fam.
You too emotional! Melis criticized.
Maybe Johns had had a point. Not taking care of herself led to other problems, like less control over her emotions because she had to put more effort into managing them.
After a few pets along her Fam's bony body, Giniana stepped back, settled into her balance and contacted T'Spindle through their professional mind-link. I will be there, transnow.
Please teleport to my ResidenceDen, he replied.
She did so and found the man behind his desk, looking every centimeter the FirstFamily Lord, his standard genial manner gone, reminding her of his massive influence, wealth, power.
He gestured to a chair before him and she took it.
The shift at the HealingHall, dealing with the Daisys had been easy, seeing Klay—Johns—difficult, and sitting here in these circumstances, hideous.
"You told me months ago that you wished more and varied Healing experiences and requested that I allow you to work for HealingHalls and, later, for the Daisys."
She swallowed the dry lump in her throat. "That's true." It came out a whisper.
"But not the whole truth," the GrandLord stated austerely. "You also needed to amass a great deal of gilt for the Time Healing Procedure to save Thrisca."
He waited, gray gaze fixed on her until she dipped her head and muttered, "Yes." Then she wondered if Klay … Johns … the actor… revealed her problems to T'Spindle also. "Did Saint Johnswort contact you?" Giniana demanded. The FirstFamily Lord's eyes flashed and she wished she'd kept her mouth shut.
"Is that your business?" T'Spindle asked softly. "I've heard you've broken up your relationship with Klay Saint Johnswort."
Already? Lord and Lady, but she'd always known gossip zipped through the FirstFamily circles fast. Did one of the Daisy's scry him? Did Melis or Thrisca burble to his wife—
"FirstLevel Healer Filix," T'Spindle rumbled.
Not a good time to let her thoughts shoot in different directions. "My apologies for not paying close attention, GrandLord T'Spindle."
His forefinger tapped on the pad protecting his centuries-old desk. He lowered his voice and she strained her ears. "I am offended."
Her spine jerked straighter, her breath strangled, but she still made a sound of protest.
"You are a member of my staff." He paused and she nodded rapidly. Maybe he hadn't heard of D'Willow's offer that Giniana pay for the time experiment by becoming the Willow Healer. That would offend him, too, no doubt. Maybe hurt him and she never wanted that, she respected the man so.
Chapter 30
"You are a member of my staff," T'Spindle repeated. "One of my staff who resides on T'Spindle estate presided over by my HeartMate and me. As such, we are responsible for your welfare and consider you our dependent. Do you understand?"
She nodded, but frowned, felt tears back behind her eyes again at the contradiction of his tone, and the knowledge of how he valued her … and that she'd riled him.
"It is well that you understand my point of view, and my HeartMate's point of view on this, even if you do not precisely agree." Another pause, but she made no reply.
"And we, my HeartMate and I, also employ the FamCat Thrisca, also consider her a delightful dependent."
His words kept falling into the silence and hitting Giniana like blows. "As our dependent, the FamCat is under our aegis and is our responsibility, including her health. I have transferred the total payment for the Time Healing Procedure from our account to D'Willow's account, authorized any additional charges, if necessary." He made a cutting gesture. "It is done."
Giniana’s employer actually glared at her. "You should have understood our feelings and attitude before now, before we had this discussion."
She wasn't doing any discussing at all.
T'Spindle continued, "You should have realized that the cost to us is minimal." He waved a hand at the negligible-to-him amount. "We are offended."
And she knew she'd also hurt him and his HeartMate.
"I—" But she stopped, not sure what to say, try and defend herself? Insist on her independence? But she understood the deal was done. She blurted, "I didn't want to accept gilt from an older man, a man not my Family."
T'Spindle stared with steely eyes, shook his head. "I have a HeartMate with whom I'm deeply bonded."
Giniana knew that, of course. Intellectually. But despite the Spindles and the Daisys being HeartMates, she didn't truly believe in the bond.
"We've been HeartBonded for decades." The ends of T'Spindle's lips lifted slightly. "And we are not as affectionate in public as in private, and this is a big Residence. So, perhaps, you don't see our bond that strongly. But it is time for you to stop believing that you are like your mother. Or that your mother was wrong in what she did to give you both a good life." He paused. "I knew your mother, and I know GraceLord Citronella well. Your mother cared for him."
Giniana opened her mouth, shut it, but T'Spindle raised his brows. "Don't stifle your words, go
ahead." Another lift of his lips. "I'd imagine it will do you well to vent."
"Hadn't planned on doing it to you."
"To me, too?" He shrugged, waved. "Go ahead. I'm listening."
Giniana burst out. "My mother didn't care as much for GraceLord Citronella as much as she cared for his gilt! She wouldn't have taken him as a lover if he hadn't been wealthy."
"Perhaps not. And perhaps she wasted her talents instead of working with them. But, as I was saying, I know Nardus Citronella. He cared for her, perhaps more than she, perhaps less. But he was happy with their arrangement."
"I'm sure she gave good value," Giniana muttered.
"And I don't think you are sure of anything of the sort," T'Spindle snapped back. "And I don't think you respected or respect your mother."
"No. She took the easy way." And even the easy way hadn't fulfilled her, given her joy or peace or happiness. That was the point, Giniana understood. Her mother had ignored her gifts and hadn't worked at them and hadn't achieved what she needed emotionally in life. Therefore she'd failed. Herself and Giniana and Thrisca.
T'Spindle inclined his head. "Perhaps she did take the easy way." His voice softened, as did his manner. "But you are not she." His mouth quirked. "I'd imagine you've never taken the easy way during your entire life. But in this instance, with regard to Thrisca, I did as I should. In a life-and-death situation, I cannot allow a dependent of mine to fail, a person to die, for want of a little gilt."
His chest expanded, then compressed and when he spoke again, he didn't look at her. "I'm disappointed that you did not ask me for help, Giniana."
She gulped, wet her lips, replied in the whisper rather than the strong, steady voice she'd have liked, "To me, as a Healer, the Time Healing Procedure is an experimental treatment that I think might help Thrisca. I didn't want to request gilt from you for such a risky and expensive venture." At least she spoke the truth.
T'Spindle dipped his head, then said, "But you are a FirstLevel Healer, and I respect your professional judgment. If you believe this could cure the FamCat, I defer to you." He spread his hands. "I'm a FirstFamily GrandLord and expense will never be an issue for me, nor, I hope, for any of my descendants. Both a blessing and a curse. In this case, a blessing. You should have told me of your need and your struggles and the problems with one of the dependents on my estate. You didn't, for whatever reasons seemed good to you. However, I am now informing you that I've already sent the necessary gilt for Thrisca's treatment to D'Willow, with the understanding that Thrisca will take part in the Time experiment, tomorrow."
A quick, quirky smile lightened his face. "And these procedures are quite rare, so I'm glad to take part in one." Like most of members of a FirstFamily, he had a low threshold of boredom and was endlessly curious. The curse of wealth. "I was informed you were allowed a guest observer."
"Yes." And it wouldn't be Klay … Giniana blinked rapidly to keep tears from falling.
"Go home, Giniana, and sleep," the FirstFamily lord dismissed her, but with a flick of his fingers, energy poured from him and the Residence into her, so she teleported easily to her cottage.
Thrisca and Melis slept outside in the catmint, ignored Giniana when she called to them by telepathy and voice. She sensed they disapproved of her.
So she curled on the bed and wept and suffered.
Despite her restlessness all night long, Giniana fell into an exhausted sleep and awoke later than usual on the day of the time experiment. She ate a nutrition bar automatically, her mind plodding through the plan again.
Her mind seemed fogged, her body stuffy. Forget Klay, she must apply herself to check out Thrisca beforehand, then take the FamCat to Danith D'Ash the famed Animal Healer who would also examine Thrisca, then hire a glider to deliver them both to D'Willow's laboratory. Obviously, Klay would not be coming to ferry them around.
An actor, not to be trusted, she assured herself. He'd leave her and Thrisca and Melis to go through this alone, and that hurt. Being abandoned again.
Knowledge burst into her brain, with a flash of white and painful light. She'd abandoned him.
She ached. Clear through, from marrow to skin nerves. And something that had seemed to have bloomed and stretched in her had collapsed back into a hard, painful ball. She'd taken emotional risks, not much, but had extended herself.
Now she wanted to hide, from her own self-examination as much as the world. Her knees weakened and she collapsed into a nearby chair, scrubbed at her face that felt raw with weeping.
She'd been so very wrong. Afraid of emotional risk, striving to hold on to the only person she felt loved her, or could love her—Thrisca. Had she influenced Thrisca to agree to the experiment?
But that question she'd asked herself before. As Danith D'Ash told her, a cat's nature would demand she fight for survival. And the idea of the experiment, and the experience of the experiment, intrigued Thrisca.
And, lately, the stay of the sick agent and the blossoming of Giniana's romance had amused Thrisca.
The FamCat had gotten her own FamKitten to teach. That had perked her up, too.
No, Giniana's need had not forced Thrisca to hold to life when she wanted to drift away to her next incarnation on the Wheel of Stars.
And Giniana had diverted herself from thinking of her pain again, her huge mistake.
She had ended her affair with Klay because of her fear of abandonment.
Slow her fast breathing, the panting and hyperventilating that made her dizzy.
By the time she'd met him, she’d shoved that hurt of being left behind an inner door. She’d thought it had shriveled into a ball, encased in a hard shell. But she hadn’t been able to extend the emotional trust to others. She hadn’t believed that people would like her enough not to abandon her. Hadn’t thought that affection and passion could be honestly exchanged.
She wasn't being truthful enough with herself. Dig deeper, experience the pain, release it.
The core belief that she hadn't been enough for her father to stay with his Family. She hadn't been enough for her mother to put her first, to love her as Giniana had loved her mother.
Her mother had always needed someone else, a male someone else, to be happy. Had needed gifts to be shown she was valued.
As Giniana needed professional respect to be validated.
And love.
Shuddering with freed emotions, she wrapped her arms around herself. She'd abandoned Johns due to her own fears, not because he'd abandoned her. He'd told her he loved her, and through their tiny link she realized he still did, had spoken the truth, had proved the truth with his sincere actions. Not pretense. No acting, from him, but honesty. Honesty in admitting he wanted to care for her, his bluntness in trying to help, and the words he'd shouted and she'd closed her ears to last night … extortion, theatrical kiss.
He'd acted with Morifa.
Could Giniana accept that? Hurt reverberated through their bond, on both sides. Love still throbbed back and forth, too. She loved him.
Tears washed down her face, cooling it, soothing. She gulped and gulped others.
She would have to apologize, to reveal her own fears and truth of her love and hope her rejection hadn't shriveled his love. Open herself, and send him that love so it smothered his senses. Show him.
Show him.
A thought zinged through her. Yes, show him.
She sprang from the chair. Energy, Flair, sizzled through her along with gushing hope, banishing the night's weary ills.
Hurry, follow this impulsive need to give him something solid to prove her love.
Give presents? As her mother preferred to get presents to have herself and her love validated? And Giniana had given presents to her mother. Some received with strained smiles that had let her know they'd missed their mark, especially those she'd made herself. The more expensive the gift, the more her mother liked it.
Shake that off. All the things she and Klay had exchanged had been personal help. Those gifts had built and str
engthened their bond, but had not been because either one of them had been greedy or demanding. Simply, the give and take of those who felt affection for each other. And desire. And love.
She threw open the door to her tiny workroom. He'd admired the large fluorite crystal, the most banded one she had. She picked it up and with one sharp snap of her mind, cracked away the outer rock.
A pillar, no, that wouldn't show off the colors well enough. A long, pointed pyramid … no, make it hexagonal, longer than her hand. Curling her fingers around what she'd form into the top in her left hand, she ran her right down it, using Flair to shape, switched hands and created the point, the angles, to best reveal the colors of the long, seventeen-centimeter crystal.
Pretty. She grinned. As pretty a stone as he kept saying she was as a person. The anticipation of the day’s challenges kept her energy high. She needed to have this done by the time he picked her and Thrisca up to take them to Danith D'Ash's for Thrisca's physical. Giniana now had no doubt he'd come. He wouldn't break his word, even if their relationship had shattered.
Shatter. Easy, easy on the cutting of the surface and the polishing. Done. All of it would gleam gorgeous in the sunlight. He could put it in that eastern bedroom window of his to catch the light, have the sunlight filtering through it, making it glow from within.
Done. Smooth the base so it will stand sturdily. Done.
Now, deep breaths to steady her nerves so her hands wouldn't shake. She picked up the slim lettering chisel and wrote in her most beautiful script along the whole length of the least interesting facet, I love you.
Her breath whooshed out. Pretty. A very good thing she'd been practicing her creative Flair longer than her Healing gift. The letters and words looked well formed.
Reaching for the silver, the metal that would best complement the crystal, she put on a temperature-spell protective glove, heated the silver until molten. Carefully, ensuring with Flair that the crystal wouldn't crack, she poured the liquid metal into the carving. Infusing the silver with heartfelt emotion, her love for Johns, she also murmured blessings upon him. She let those blessings flow too, along with her undemanding love, wafting aside any desires of reciprocity, that he should or must love her back.
Script of the Heart Page 28