by Chrissy Jaye
“I’m going to start you on some small doses,” she said, leveling me with a serious look. I swallowed while I waited for her to continue. “They’ll have some side effects and it may take time to find the right medications for you. I also know that your family is heavily against medicating,” she paused, leveling me with her gaze. Her brown eyes engaged mine. “But I need you to understand something.” My gaze was locked on her face, and I could feel my heartbeat quicken, but I focused on her words and tried to keep my breathing even. She paused again, noting that I was struggling, but I nodded for her to continue. “This whole thing is about you. Your family doesn’t get a say. You’re an adult and you are the one who needs to be comfortable.”
What she said wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. I didn’t know why I felt like this was a bomb waiting to go off, but by the time I left her office and headed downstairs to the on-site pharmacy, I was feeling less guilty about my decision. She was right. I needed to have my own life. And my family deserved to live their lives without worrying over me. More than anything, I wanted that for my best friend and sister, Mia, who had taken charge of my day to day needs.
Chapter Two
It didn’t take long to fill my scripts and get instructions for how to take them. I must have gotten off easy, because there were only three pills to worry about. One was to help sleep, another was a mood stabilizer and the last was for anxiety. The instructions were fairly simple. I took the mood stabilizer in the morning and the one for sleep at night. The one for anxiety was taken twice a day, once with breakfast, and then again at dinner.
It was still early enough in the day that I could start the medications right away, so I also bought a bottle of water, and took the latter two without thinking about it. If I had, I might have chickened out at the last minute. It was better to mindlessly do it. Afterward, I shoved the bottles deep into my gym bag, somewhere Mia wouldn’t find them by accident. On the way over to the gym, I could hear them jumbling around in my bag. It was so slight that I knew no one would think anything of it, but to me, each pill clamoring around in its bottle was like a nail in my coffin. I couldn’t get to the gym soon enough.
Exercise was a great way to let out your frustrations while also promoting healthy chemicals that reduced stress. As soon as Aunt Lauralin realized the niece she took in had some serious issues, she went a bit nuts looking for natural ways to help me. Working out was one of those and I’d kept up the practice because I actually enjoyed it. I had to be careful not to overdo it though. There was one summer just before my aunt adopted Mia where I got scary thin. Ever since, I’d worked with a trainer who knew a little of my history and needs. My current one, Ford, only let me work out three times a week for five hours at a time. Anything over and he barred me from the gym.
I dressed quickly in light clothing that still covered me from wrist to toe in cloth. I didn’t wear my gloves because it made handling weights difficult and most people respected your personal space while working out. It also helped that it was early afternoon. During the day, the crowd was small.
It wasn’t until I started jogging on the treadmill that the pills hit me. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but I felt distant somehow, lighter. The pharmacist had mentioned I might feel foggy for the first couple of days. What I hadn’t expected was the low buzz that skittered across my skin. It was uncomfortable, almost like all my limbs were going numb at once. Having never taken anything beyond herbal supplements, the feeling was intense. I hoped my body would adjust quickly.
“I didn’t see you come in, Ari,” I heard as someone came up next to me and started up another treadmill. Normally, I would have seen him coming a mile away, but I’d lost myself in the running, trying to ignore how the meds made me feel. “Were you sneaking?” His voice held a hint of mischief, but I knew he was being serious. I was not above sneaking past him just to get an extra few minutes and he knew it.
“Absolutely not. I walked through the front door and signed in like always.” I said, peeking at him from the corner of my eye.
The man was gorgeous and every time I saw him, my heart raced. He had chiseled features that seemed cut from stone. His gray eyes stood out on his tanned face with a heavy brow that I often imagined smoothing with my thumbs. Okay, so I did more than fantasize. Ford was a bit of an obsession. No one could possibly blame me for it. Psychologically distressed did not mean dead. And looking at his large muscles flex in his athletic shorts and fitted shirt as he ran alongside told me he would star heavily in my dreams tonight. That was, if I didn’t have a nightmare.
I realized with horror that my peeking had turned into outright staring. His gaze flicked uncomfortably down my body and then he faced forward again. Fuck… I’d probably made him uncomfortable. He knew I didn’t like being touched and had maintained a respectable distance at all times.
“How about we run for an hour and then we move on to weights?” His voice was light, but I could hear an edge in it. I did a lot of people watching, and by the way he kept glancing at me, it sounded like he was struggling with something. “You’ve done a lot of running this week. You have to work other muscles to stay toned.”
Oh my God, I was still staring at him. I forced my head forward and focused on making my breathing even. When I trusted myself to be normal, I replied, “Sure, you’re the trainer. We are paying you to keep me in line.”
That was almost a lie. Technically, I wasn’t paying him, Aunty was. She lived clear on the other side of the city in a suburb offshoot, but when Mia and I told her we wanted to move downtown closer to the university, she’d gone a bit crazy.
She set up everything for us. Within a week, we had a place to live. Our expenses had been mapped out. She even concocted a menu that Mia had to follow to the letter or Aunty would give us hell. And of course, she’d worked out a deal with this gym. She’d pay for a personal trainer, but their job was more than to just keep me in shape. They had to monitor how much I worked out. If I missed a scheduled session or didn’t seem like myself, they had to call Mia. It was a bit overkill, but I was thankful to her. She managed everything from afar while giving me the illusion that I had space. I knew I didn’t, that pretty much everyone but my shrink reported to her about my health, but after everything we had been through together, I couldn’t blame her for her concerns.
You would worry too if your six-year-old niece disappeared in the middle of the day and was found three towns over with no memory of how she got there. And that’s one of the tamer stories. There was another involving a cult of nudists and a lakeshore that I still don’t have all the details about. I was only sixteen then, but it still creeps me out to this day.
A normal person would probably rebel against their overbearing parent and I did consider it after we moved. That was, until I saw Ford and realized he was my trainer. I didn’t have relationships, especially not deep ones, but I was attracted to him. Even though I knew it would never go anywhere, I’m a hot blooded twenty-year-old with some overused vibrators and a lot of frustration. All thoughts of abandoning my Aunt’s plans were shelved once I saw the hottest guy I would ever meet. Fate willing, he’d be my trainer for many years to come.
Ford let me run for a while before switching us to free weights and then sent me to do some yoga. The class was small, and I had plenty of space to spread out. After a long work out, stretching was the perfect way to keep everything loose. At one point, I thought I caught Ford staring at my ass through the glass window. My shirt had ridden up and when I turned to pull it down, I saw his head tilted in my direction but as soon as I’d looked up at him, his face turned away. I could see his jaw flex, almost like he was embarrassed or pissed off as he spoke into his phone. I couldn’t really tell with him on the other side of the gym, but I longed to find out.
Like I said, I was a bit obsessed with him.
Back in the locker room, fresh from a shower where I may or may not have pretended it was Ford’s hands washing my skin, I rifled through my bag for fresh clothes. Before I could
change into my street clothes, I felt something slam into me. I’d been a bit dizzy all day, in a numb sort of way, but what I felt now was a wave of nausea. My throat thickened with saliva while my chest felt as if it were gripped in a vice. My lungs were frozen, unable to drag in air. As my panic rose to the surface, my skin erupted in gooseflesh and my nipples pebbled. My clothes fell from my grip as I brought my arms up to cover my naked torso as an oily sensation coated my flesh, making me feel like I had rolled in a layer of grime even though I’d just stepped out of a shower. Fear licked up my spine, replacing my panic as feather-light fingertips skimmed over my back. Something whispered my name, echoing around the room.
The room plunged into darkness before my head exploded with pain. The pain faded away as quickly as it came, leaving me cold as I panted for breath. My lungs ached with relief as my vision cleared and sound reached my ears, the sound of tires rolling over fresh snow. It had a distinct crunching sound.
I whirled around in shock, finding a busy street surrounded by tall city buildings, their overhangs and window ledges already collecting snow that fell in small flakes from the sky. Glancing down, I sighed in relief that I had clothes on. I could have sworn I’d been naked from the waist up only moments ago.
Was this a blackout? Had Bea and I switched?
I searched the street again, trying to figure out where I was. It took me a moment to organize my brain into coherent thought before I recognized the street. I was outside my favorite diner. Relieved to be somewhere familiar, I gave my clothes a closer inspection, noting that I had on different clothes than I’d brought to the gym. I was wearing thicker jeans and a heavy sweater under my favorite red winter coat. I had on boots as well, even though I knew that I had dressed in flats this morning.
Through the window, I watched Mia whip around, almost in slow motion. I saw her hair fan out around her and the panic that was written in her eyes. She looked as haunted as I’d been feeling lately. After a beat, time seemed to catch up and her eyes showed her relief at seeing me. I stood there dumb struck, staring at her through the glass.
Her relief was replaced with something else that I couldn’t quite read. It was like we were having a silent conversation. One that only she seemed to understand, but on some level, I knew we were communicating. After a moment, when I didn’t move, she came to the door to hold it open for me.
“Ari, get inside before you get buried under a mountain of snow.”
I still didn’t move. Something was different about her. I just couldn’t tell what. In fact, everyone inside, all the regulars looked different somehow. It was like I could see something about them, something special and different. I tried to focus on it, to separate it in my mind, to pinpoint what it was, but as soon as that knowledge registered, my brain shoved it back and turned the lights off. They were just people again. Normal people that I saw twice a week. The same people who waved to me if we passed on the street but didn’t stop to talk.
“Come on! Don’t make me drag your skinny ass inside. I promise you, I’ll make a huge scene. We both know you’ll hate that,” she threatened. She was right, I really would hate a scene. I didn’t like attention, especially from a lot of people. Not that our diner was packed at the moment. It seems I’d missed the dinner rush.
How long had I been out? I considered asking Mia but decided against it. There was no reason to add another thing for her to worry about. She’d have plenty to say on a different subject soon enough.
As I stepped inside, our usual waitress Bunni hit me with a huge grin. She was cute, in a pixie-ish sort of way. Her hair was cut short and framed around her face, dyed different shades of purple in trendy chunks. Lilac, amethyst, plum. I had no idea how she managed it. Upkeep looked like it would be a nightmare. Still, it suited her. Like me, she had hazel eyes, but hers were a bit larger than mine. It made her look younger than she was, innocent and fresh.
Mia waved to her as we passed, letting her know we were ready for her. Not that Bunni needed to be told – her eyes had tracked Mia across the diner – but she nodded and ducked her head. I smiled at their cute exchange, all my anxiety dripping away. Mia was absolutely smitten with the girl. I knew this because Mia had never hit on her, and my best friend hit on anyone. It didn’t matter if they were men or women. She was a bit… freer with her affections than most people.
No. Who was I kidding? Despite all her best qualities, Mia was a bit of a slut. Eh… I probably shouldn’t use that word. Let’s say she had a healthy appetite for sex and many willing partners to help her sate that. If she kept track, she’d have more than one little black book.
Either way, the fact that Mia didn’t try to seduce her was what set off my alarm bells. Hell, she even hit on me a few times and I’d grown up with her. We didn’t talk about it though. I did tease and hint at it, but I never outright called her on it. I felt like Mia should be allowed to have a few secrets. Especially if I ever wanted to have my own. Or maybe Mia didn’t realize it yet, but I just knew Mia was in love.
We settled into our booth in silence. I could see Mia chewing over her thoughts, it was in the way she didn’t scrutinize me. She wanted to have a big discussion with me and she was worried. I wondered whether she would do it here or back at our apartment. I hoped it would be at the apartment. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about her blowing up at me in front of people. And she was going to blow up when she heard about the pills.
Bunni brought out our drink order and a plate full of bacon cheese fries which made every other thought in my brain fly away. If I had my way, everything would come with cheese and bacon on it. And coffee… my dark mistress. I took a large sniff of it, a smooth hazelnut roast. Everything in life should start and end with coffee. Bacon cheese fries were a close second.
“How’s the book coming, Bunni?” I asked after taking a small sip of my coffee before she could step away from our table. I wanted to avoid any kind of conversation with Mia as long as possible and Bunni was a perfect way to do it. No way would Mia send away her lady love. Yes, I could be a bit of a devious bitch too.
“Oh, it’s going great,” she said in her adorable Scottish brogue. “Got to let the voices in me head out somehow! I’ll be back with your order, the guy at table seven is hailing me,” she said before moving away.
Mia watched her with a soft smile on her face and a definite gleaming appreciation in her eyes for the sway of Bunni’s hips. I coughed to get her attention, afraid she would start drooling at any moment.
“What?” she asked, seeming to come out of a daze. “I didn’t hear what you said.”
“I didn’t say anything.” I took a long sip of my coffee, trying to hide my grin behind the cup, but Mia saw it and narrowed her eyes at me.
“How’s Ford?” she asked, changing the subject. Mia loved the game of deflection and played it with me every chance she could. My smile grew wider at her cheap tactics.
Determined to play my role, I turned my gaze away, forcing my smile to soften, which wasn’t hard as more snow started to fall. “I don’t know what you mean. My trainer is fine.”
She snorted as I peeked at her out of the corner of my eye, but our game was interrupted when Bunni came back to our table and slid into the booth next to Mia, drawing my eyes away from the snowfall. They weren’t touching, but I could see the magnetism between them. If only one of them would make a move. I was sure it would be the end of Mia’s attempt at a spot in the sexual Olympics.
I sat back and sipped my coffee as the three of us chatted while we waited for our dinner. Bunni left briefly to grab our plates but stayed for the whole meal. In the back of my mind, the conversation about my medications stewed, but I pressed them down, back into the box, and enjoyed dinner. A few times, Mia would turn her gaze to me and I caught the hint of worry in her eyes. I couldn’t fathom what was so important that she feared telling me. There was one thing I knew we would argue about tonight, but Mia, she didn’t create problems. She fixed them.
Chapter Three
> We were almost home when Mia looped her arm with mine. I could tell that whatever peace we had during dinner was about to be broken. I’d hoped to be the one to just drop my bomb and then let her rage it out. Somehow, whatever she had to say seemed less important. And I felt unsettled for thinking that. But it wasn’t nearly as strong as the growing guilt I’d been carrying around for the last year.
Every time I had to call her to come pick me up from some strange place. Or when I had to call her back from a date because I couldn’t get back to sleep, I felt it. She would never say so, but she’d given up a significant portion of her life to help my aunt take care of me. And then most of her adult life, when she was supposed to be off enjoying college, it was spent taking the brunt of my needs.
Maybe that was why Bea was more in control lately. Because I felt so out of control. The weird shit I was paranoid about wasn’t so bad. I had no physical proof other than a spotty memory. And that really could be explained by anxiety, no matter how real it felt.
There were theories about how separate personalities were made. Coping mechanisms. Brain chemistry. Brain damage. I knew without a doubt, mine was a way of coping. It was evident in my nightmares, in the panic attacks I suffered, and my aversion to touching others. It all lead back to the night my parents were murdered when I was six.
I didn’t know the details or the specifics about what happened to me. I just knew that my parents were murdered, and Bea was a result of that. It was strange to think that the mind can be so strong and so fragile at the same time, even at such a young age.
There were things I remembered from before the split. Like the fact that my mother and I shared the same eyes. Or that her smile had a way of making all my fears disappear. There was warmth and love in that time. But there was also fear too. A fear so great that my tiny human mind was torn in half just to keep me from remembering it. At least while I was awake.