“So make it help. Change things up. Don't just come home every day and sit here thinking about him. Do anything to distract yourself or just do something. I don't know what, but you have to do something. Even Kim called me to talk about you. Kim, who I would bed in a second called me, and all we talked about was you,” he smirked.
“What? Why?”
“'Cause she's pretty hot in a dirty sorta way,” he laughed as I yelled stop. “She's worried about you, obviously. You're just so different now- almost cold or like emotionless or something. You don't go out and you don't talk to any of us. You just do nothing,” he said quietly.
“I go to work every single day. I function enough to not screw up my job,” I defended.
“Yeah, but that's it. You're lonely, Sophie. That's what this is. But you don't have to be. You could start going out with me, or your friends, or even mom again. You could leave this place after work and on weekends. You could have a life again,” Steven said while pacing in my living room. Stopping to look at me, he was so serious and he looked so sad, I found myself listening to each and every word he said. “You just have to try to move past this,” he exhaled.
“Okay... I'll try. But I'm not really into going out with you all yet. I just want to-”
“Wait for Peter to return? Sophie, he's not coming back. At least I don't think he is. So you have to start living again without him,” he pleaded.
“Okay, I get it. Next weekend, I'll go out. Maybe we could all get together Saturday night. Um, I'll have everyone here first, and then we'll go out. Okay?”
“That sounds like a plan. I'll call Kim if you want,” he again grinned as I shook my head at him.
“She'd never go for you. You're both players, so it would be doomed from the start,” I answered seriously.
“Which we would both know, making it just plain old hot sex,” he laughed again.
“Gross... Okay, I'll call Kim, Amy and Christina. Why don't you bring a few people with you and we'll have a little party here first then go out? Is that what I should do?” I asked Steven seriously. I didn't know what to do, but I thought that was the kind of start he wanted me to make.
“That sounds good, Soph. You just need to change the scenery a little so you start to feel a little differently I think.”
“Okay...” But I was already exhausted from this hour long interaction, and I wanted him to go. I was so tired suddenly, I needed to have a nap.
“Are you coming to mom and dads?”
“Not today. But I will next Sunday, I promise. I'm really tired and I just feel like chilling out tonight. Please?”
“Sure. I'll let them know. Do you want me to stay for a while?”
“No thanks. I want to relax before my work week. I always get stressed out on Mondays,” I admitted.
“Okay. I'll call you tomorrow night,” he said walking toward my front door.
“You don't have to.”
“Yeah, I do,” he said again so seriously I felt it in my heart.
“I'm so sorry I hit you, Steven. I didn't mean to, and it will never happen again.”
“That wasn't my first bitch-slap, girlie. And it probably won't be my last,” he grinned as I burst out laughing as he left.
I spent the rest of my Sunday cleaning my apartment, organizing my closet, and putting away everything I had left out for Peter.
The lotion on my bedside table was thrown in a bathroom cupboard, and the jasmine oil and candle were hidden away in a tall closet in the corner of my kitchen. All my Peter things were put away so I didn't stare at them or obsess anymore.
I didn't want to walk into my bedroom and smell the lingering scent of Jasmine, and I didn't want to lay on his pillow smelling him all around me anymore.
It was time to start moving on, and I would. I was Sophie Morley, and men didn't make or define me. I made and defined myself. At least I remembered that about myself.
After my talk with Steven, I went to the Matthew Good concert a few days later with Kim and I had a good time. It was a Wednesday night and though a work night, I chose to live just a little, as best as I was able.
I even had fun with Kim, though I still missed Peter terribly. I had fun, until I returned home to a blue rose taped to my door by Peter with a little note.
Sophie,
I miss you every single day.
I hope you enjoyed your concert.
Peter
xo
CHAPTER 23
The following Saturday I tarted it up dramatically. 8 people were coming over to my place first, and then we were all going out. I wore a sexy black skirt, a skintight red blouse with ample cleavage showing, and a pair of kickass black over the knee boots I had purchased Thursday after work. I looked just shy of slutty, but I definitely looked hot.
When I applied my makeup heavier than usual, even wearing a dark red lipstick, I knew there would be no mistaking I was single or that I was moving on. I wanted to look single, and quite frankly I wanted to move on.
I was tired of feeling sad and lonely. And I was completely finished with waiting for a man who had left me. Steven was right, and though it caused me agony to accept it, it was true nonetheless- Peter didn't love me enough to stay with me. He may have been my forever, but obviously I wasn't his.
I knew no matter how long I lived, or what I became, I would love him forever though. I knew without a doubt, Peter would always be the man I loved with everything I had for the rest of my life. I knew he was 'the One', whether I found someone else or remained single for the rest of my life.
I knew I loved him in a way that was truly forever. But I was going to try to move on like everyone wanted me to, and a small party was my first step towards moving on.
Lighting over 30 candles all over my apartment, I made it to the fireplace mantle before I forgot what I was doing. Staring at the male and female candlestick holders I loved thinking only of Peter in that moment nearly brought me to my knees. Crying briefly, I couldn’t stop the intensity of pain that ripped through my chest so suddenly I wasn’t prepared for it.
I couldn't stop the instant thoughts of Peter from surfacing, but I could try to prevent them. Walking to my hall closet of gifts, I gently placed the candle holders inside my gifts box.
I crouched in the closet, with the lid in my hand and I thought of all the ways I loved him. I thought of Peter until I shook myself out of my nightmare and whispered a sad goodbye to the candle holders, and really, to the life I had wanted with Peter.
I whispered goodbye finally. And then I forced myself to close the lid, walk back to my bathroom for a mascara check as I pulled myself together before my small party.
20 minutes later Amy and her boyfriend Davis, and Christina and her husband Roger came in and started the party.
Joining me in the kitchen to mix drinks for us all, both woman looked at me strangely until I finally just smiled and said, “I’m okay,” to ease the concern. But Amy looked at me like I was full of shit, so I quickly amended. “Okay, I'm not really okay yet, but I'm trying.”
“Try hard. This is your first night out with us in forever, so I want you either face down in your own barf by the end of the night, or screaming in bed with a hot stranger. Understood?” Amy said so sternly Christina and I both laughed.
“Yes, mother. Though I don't really recall my mother giving me those 2 ultimatums before,” I grinned.
“It gets better, Sophie, I promise,” Christina said with a hug and I hoped she was right. I hoped it got better because the alternative absolutely sucked for me.
So trying to enjoy myself, I raised my glass in classic So I Married an Ax-Murderer, Scottish fashion, and yelled, “Let’s get PISSED,” as they clinked glasses with me to begin our night.
Eventually Kim arrived, quickly followed by Steven and his 2 friends, Trent and Adam, shortly after I began drinking.
When Steven walked in holding up a huge bottle of tequila, all my girlfriends cheered, and Amy said laughing, “I was hoping more for option
2, not the first one,” which meant nothing to anyone else, but Christina and I knew she was hoping I'd somehow get laid.
Smirking at Amy, I grabbed the bottle, hugged Steven and walked to the kitchen to pour more drinks.
“Hey girlie... How many so far?”
“This’ll be my third, so I'll pace it a little slower. Everyone knows what I lightweight I am,” I grinned as Trent walked in with beer for the fridge.
“Hey sexy Sophie. What's going on?” Trent flashed me his sexy as hell smile as Steven groaned and pushed him away from me.
“Dude. Sister.”
“Dude. Kim,” I reminded him as he smiled.
“Yeah, but not in front of me, okay?”
Undeterred, Trent smiled again and replied, “Got it. Can I entice you straight to the bedroom then so he can't see us?”
“Give me an hour and ask again, okay?” I laughed as Steven made weird la la la sounds to drown us out while he poured us each another tequila sunrise.
Returning to the living room, everyone looked happy and ready to really tie one on. They were all drinking and relaxed, music was playing, and conversations were loud and funny.
When I finished my third drink rather quickly, both Steven and Amy noticed and commented, as I laughed. Begging Steven to make me another because his always tasted better than when I made them, Steven was subjected to a round of mocking for drinking such a girlie drink, until the conversation turned into a discussion of twins and how it was entirely possible that Steven and I liked the same drink not because he was a pansy, but rather because biology demanded it. So we both agreed and bullshitted that it wasn't really our fault that we liked the same tequila, but it was the fault of our 'twin connection' to the humor of our friends.
Minutes later after Steven kindly returned with my fourth drink, I suddenly imploded.
In an instant, I dropped the glass on the hardwood floor as I dove for my CD player. I was dying instantly, and I knew everyone saw it and I knew I was a loser, and I knew I looked like a basket case. I knew everything but I didn't care. I needed to change the CD, which proved quite difficult in my drunken state.
Moaning, I banged the buttons on the multi-CD changer and pushed the volume while yelling at Steven to help me. The problem was it was preprogrammed to hold 8 CD's and to play a set list randomly. The problem was I couldn't stop the set from playing.
“What are you doing?” Steven asked beside me as he stopped the music effortlessly.
“I can't. I don't want to hear that song. That's his. He sang it to me. Oh god...”
“Stop it, Sophie. Don't do this right now,” Steven soothed quietly while shaking me back to my surroundings.
In that instant when I returned to myself I knew I looked like an idiot, and though my back was turned to everyone, I knew they were all silently staring at me. I knew it, so I couldn't really turn around, and I couldn't do anything to get out of the drama I had just caused without them seeing me. I couldn't get out of it without them seeing my heartache and my tears. So I didn’t even try to
“Sorry everyone. I just can't hear that song right now. Um, just give me a minute,” I begged as I walked out of my living room for the bathroom with my face turned away from them all as I left.
Closing the bathroom door quietly without added drama, I took a deep breath and tried to get my shit together. I tried so hard to breathe until I sat on the closed toilet seat and counted my way back to normal. I counted until Kim poked her head in and I gave a sad smile.
“Total loser, huh?” I huffed.
“Nah... It's all good. I don't think the guys were smart enough to even hear what song it was. They just saw you spill your drink on the floor which was the worse crime for them, I think,” she grinned, trying to help my embarrassment. “Why that song?” She asked gently.
“He tried to convince me that I had green eyes, because of the yellow in my blue irises, and he always sang that song to me. In bed, over coffee, anywhere, and all the time. He sang it in the shower so I could hear it after I came home from work, and he sang it to me when we just sat on the couch together quietly. I guess, it's like our song. And the words are so beautiful, and I wish every part of them were true. I wish he couldn't deny me... But he did,” I said through a gasp of pain.
“You look like shit,” Kim suddenly said making me jolt.
“I do? Holy shit, you're terrible at this,” I laughed shocked by her. “Like fucking brutal.”
“I'm just trying to distract you. Is it working?” Kim smiled.
“I guess. Do I really look like shit though?”
“A little bit. The lipstick is way too much, and I've never seen you in such a short skirt. It's practically a belt,” she said straight faced until I laughed again.
“So naturally, you want to borrow it, right?”
Laughing, Kim agreed, “Totally.”
Looking in the mirror, my face wasn't bad. I didn't have makeup everywhere, and I could be easily fixed. But I was a little insecure about my looks suddenly. Before I could ask though, Kim answered the unspoken question.
“The red lips are too much with your dark eye shadow. You're only supposed to wear heavily either your lips or eyes, but rarely both. But your outfit is awesome. You look good, honestly. I was just teasing you to snap you out of your upset.”
“Thank you... I don't know what to do sometimes when I can't stop all the memories and the pain from getting to me,”
“It's fine. But let’s get out of here okay? You have lots of drinking to do and I want to get laid tonight. I haven't in like a month and I'm totally desperate. I may even give it to Steven if he begs me later,” she laughed.
“And as he said earlier- Dude. Brother.”
“Let's go. No one'll stare or poke sticks at you, I promise,” Kim said taking my arm and leading me out of the bathroom.
And she was right. Pearl Jam was playing, and Trent was doing a fabulous Eddie Vedder, totally incoherent Yellow Ledbetter impression, so I walked past everyone for my kitchen to make myself a replacement drink.
After my little meltdown the night proceeded and I had a blast when I put thoughts of Peter out of my head for the most part. I sang and danced and drank myself into oblivion. I spilled drinks, and laughed too loud, and fell into a bathroom stall when I finally broke the seal and peed at the bar.
I was an absolute mess but I had fun. Everyone got wasted, so my absolutely trashed barely made their radar, and it allowed me to push boundaries I never would have pushed before.
I was with my friends, and my brother and his friends, and nothing bad would have happened to me no matter how drunk I ended up, so I said screw it, and I got absolutely polluted until the spins and nausea hit and I cried for Amy to help me to the bathroom as I barfed my guts out.
I barfed forever with Amy and strangers in the bathroom laughing at me. I barfed until I almost passed out, but eventually I forced myself to slowly leave the bathroom, covered in mascara. I even made it outside before another barf hit in the parking lot beside the bar.
I barfed with Amy until Steven, Kim, and Davis joined me in the parking lot laughing at me. I barfed until I begged to die, which made them howl at me, then they somehow got me home.
I didn’t know how exactly I ended up home, but thankfully, when I woke, with a hangover to end all hangovers I was in my own bed, whining and crying from the nausea and throbbing head which threatened to give me a stroke.
I woke and damn near crawled to my living room to the scent of bacon and eggs, Kim and Amy talking quietly, Davis in my kitchen, and Steven still asleep on my floor. And it was a bizarre scene to say the least.
We were a fun group, but we were also adults with our own homes, so to see a very high school looking sleepover had taken place was a shock. I felt like an idiot, but I enjoyed the funny scene too.
After the initial teasing and humiliation I suffered, I learned Amy and Davis took the pullout couch, Steven slept hanging off the love seat and Kim slept beside me, far away from
my bad breath and potential barf range she said laughing at me.
I learned I was a drunken idiot, and they all thought it was hysterical how many times I begged someone to kill me all night, even after I fell asleep. Kim said I moaned, 'just kill me' a few times while passed out cold, and she admitted she wanted to kill me so I'd shut the hell up and let her sleep in peace.
Everyone spoke quietly as the morning progressed because we each suffered varying degrees of hangovers. We ate when we could and took as many Tylenols as the bottle would allow. And finally by 11:30 they all left me alone to suffer.
Even with the daylong hangover that wouldn't stop, and the dinner at my parents, and the laundry I finished at their house, and the knowing smirks from my brother, I knew I had had fun for the first time in 5 weeks.
After the few setbacks, for the first time the night before, I went out and enjoyed myself, living like a 25 year old who wasn't heartbroken.
I acted normal and I loved it, because being an idiot with friends helped take away some of the pain that I needed to let go of.
After preparing for work, and falling heavily into my bed that Sunday night, I swear I was being watched. I had that feeling of being half asleep- too asleep to move, but somewhat cognizant while sleeping. I felt awake in my sleep, and I felt surrounded by Peter.
Remembering the feeling that night, I may have just missed him so much I imagined him around me. But I swear as I fought to wake up while still deep in sleep, Peter sat on my floor, leaning against the wall watching me sleep like he had so many nights we were together.
CHAPTER 24
Over the next few months my life became one of endless parties and frivolous outings which may have been nothing more than falsely constructed fun, but it was mine.
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