by Cameron Lund
“Oh, Matt loves this team?” Olivia says, laughing. “What else does Matt like?”
“I swear he does!”
“I wish I could look up all of Matt’s interests on Instagram.” Olivia sighs. “But I guess he doesn’t have one.”
“Matt thinks social media is rotting our brains and shortening our attention spans and is going to destroy humanity,” Katie says. “That’s why he doesn’t have one.”
“Or it’s because he’s secretly married.” Olivia smirks.
“What if he’s got a secret identity?” Romina asks. She’s still holding Kai’s hat, and she tries to hand it to me.
“I’m not dressing like Kai,” I say. “I have standards.”
“Wow, Penelope thinks she’s too good for something,” Kai says with a grin. “What a surprise.”
“Fine,” I say, grabbing the hat forcefully out of Romina’s hand and pulling it onto my head. “But if this flies off and ends up in the girls’ bathroom, it’s not my fault.”
“No way!” he says, trying to pull it back off my head, but I duck out of his reach.
“It’s windy today!” I squeal. “I can’t help if it flies off my head!”
Jordan has a signature hat too, his blue Gonzaga baseball cap, from where his sister attends college. It’s slightly worn down, frayed on the brim, because it goes everywhere with him. We all obsess over that hat. He takes it off now, and Olivia reaches for it. He doesn’t hand it to her.
“Actually, I thought Harris was gonna be me.” He holds the hat in my direction.
I just blink at him for a second. Does Jordan actually want me to wear it?
“We already decided our costumes,” Olivia says, smacking her gum and reaching out her hand. “Hand it over, Parker.”
He hesitates. “Penny should be me. She’s taller. It makes more sense.” He holds the cap out to me, like an offering. It does make more sense, from a costume perspective. It’s just—Olivia not getting what she wants feels wrong, somehow, like the proper order of the universe has been all mixed up.
But I want to dress like Jordan more than anything.
I peel Kai’s hat off my head and take Jordan’s instead, pulling it firmly into place. “I mean, if Jordan wants me to wear it . . .” I glance to Olivia.
She looks back for a second and then shrugs. “Sure, whatever.”
There’s a fizzing in my chest at the feel of Jordan’s hat on my head, like my veins are filled with champagne. This hat is a part of Jordan, the part he displays to the world, something special. I feel powerful in it, like I can be as confident and important as he is.
A small part of me worries for a second that Olivia will be mad, but I brush that part away. She knows how I feel about Jordan. She should be happy for me. I watch as she grabs Kai’s sandwich off the table and takes a bite, shoving him with her shoulder, and I know everything will be okay. Everything always works out how it’s supposed to in the end.
* * *
• • • • • •
We get to the dance last so we can make an entrance. We want to give the rest of the school a moment to miss us, to wonder where we are, to think the dance is dull because we might be somewhere better.
Katie’s sister bought us some hard lemonade and strawberry kiwi Smirnoff Ice—drinks that will smell more like sugar on our breath instead of alcohol in case a teacher decides to check. “Monster Mash” is blasting as we walk in, and mostly everyone is hanging out on the sides of the gym because there’s no possible way to dance to that song and not look incredibly stupid. I’m still wearing Jordan’s hat, along with his basketball jersey and a pair of Sebastian’s gym shorts. Olivia has Kai’s flannel shirt tied around her waist and is wearing his favorite black soccer T-shirt. Kai has a tiny tattoo of a wave on his wrist, and I drew it there for her with eyeliner.
Katie is wearing one of Danny’s Star Wars shirts, her long curly hair tied below her chin as if she’s got a beard. Even though Danny doesn’t have any facial hair, it was too funny not to do.
I scan the room to see who else is here, and that’s when I find Jordan. He’s dressed as a fireman, in red pants and suspenders with a big plastic red hat. He’s got a white T-shirt on under the suspenders even though the costume would totally look better if he were shirtless, but it’s a school dance after all. I know if we all go back to someone’s house afterward, the shirt will come off. Jordan never wastes an opportunity to flaunt his abs, for which I am forever thankful. When he sees me, he breaks into a huge toothy smile, and I walk right up to him.
It’s weird—in the past I’ve always been too nervous to approach Jordan, to actually talk to him like we’re equals. But the fact that I’m dressed like him changes everything. I’m confident this time that he wants to talk to me too. As Jordan, I’m the most popular boy in school, and I feel like it. And maybe it’s just the sugary alcohol buzzing through my veins, but I like this confidence more than anything. This must be how Jordan feels all the time.
“You look familiar,” Jordan says when I reach him.
“Do you think I pulled it off?” I give him a full spin so he can check out the costume from all angles.
“You’re even better-looking than usual,” he says, and I feel like a million sunbeams are bursting through my chest. “This is your favorite holiday, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, so immeasurably pleased that he remembers the conversation from our Popsicle adventure. “I like making costumes. Doing makeup looks and stuff.”
“Oh yeah. I remember your pep rally outfit. That was dope.” He waves his hand over my body. “Not a lot of prep work with this one, though.”
I finger the seam of his basketball jersey. “No, well. I thought about trying to re-create this really cool Little Mermaid look I found online. Like with seashells and sequins and a hot glue gun . . .” I cut myself off, realizing I’m rambling and Jordan probably doesn’t care.
“That would have been legit.” He grins. “But I like that you’re dressed like me.” He reaches out and takes my hand and we do a funny step-touch dance for a second, because it’s all we really can do to “Monster Mash.”
I realize I have no idea where the rest of the girls went, that I wandered over to Jordan without them. Usually, I feel naked, exposed without the barrier they build around me, but right now it doesn’t matter.
The song switches to something we can dance to finally, all thrumming bass, and everyone runs out onto the dance floor. Jordan pulls me into the crowd, his hand still in mine. Our group is right in the middle of the floor, and we’re right in the middle of that, in the eye of the hurricane. But I’m not looking at anyone else. They’re just shapes and colors around us. There’s nothing in the world except Jordan and me.
He pulls me to him so that my back is pressed up against his front, then leans his head down to my neck, whispering into my ear.
“Feels weird dancing with myself.”
His breath tickles my neck. I turn slightly so I can respond, and suddenly my lips are only a few inches away from his. I can smell alcohol on his breath, the faint burn of cigarette smoke, and the spearmint gum meant to cover it all up. I forget what I was planning to say because all at once my brain and my mouth have completely malfunctioned.
Jordan threads his fingers through mine and pulls our clasped hands around me so that he’s hugging us both—hugging two Jordans in one. His hips press into me and I lean back tighter against him and I feel like I’m bursting open, like every moment of my life until now has been building up to this. This is what it means to be alive. This is the whole point.
There’s a tap on my shoulder, and I open my eyes. I didn’t realize I had closed them. It’s Principal Hanson. I already know what she’s going to say before she says it, so I break away from Jordan automatically, feeling the loss of his touch like a physical ache.
“Keep it G-rated, please!” Hanson
puts her hands on her hips. “You too!” I turn to where she’s looking, expecting to see Olivia and Kai in a similar embrace, but it’s Romina and Myriah. They break apart with an exaggerated eye roll. It’s weird, actually—I thought Olivia would have been right beside me, but I don’t see her or Kai anywhere. They’re not in our circle at all.
I scan the crowd and finally spot them. They’re still by the door to the gym like they haven’t even bothered to come into the dance yet. Kai is leaning against the wall, arms folded, and Olivia is whispering something into his ear.
And they’re both staring directly at me.
NOW
“I’M NOT GONNA PRETEND I’m happy you guys are here,” Jordan says. He hesitates for a second as if deciding whether he’s actually going to physically block our entrance, but then moves aside. I don’t know what to say to make it better, to make this all less awkward. I don’t know how we’re possibly going to get through a whole night like this. Luckily, Kai answers before I have to.
“I know, man. This whole thing is fucked. I really am sorry.”
“Yeah,” Jordan says. “Whatever.”
Romina appears then, a big flannel shirt over her black bikini, what looks like half of a grilled cheese in one hand. “Our star-crossed lovers have arrived,” she says, taking a big bite of her sandwich. She steps back and makes room for us to enter fully into the house, the screen door slamming behind us. “People have mostly claimed places to sleep, but don’t worry, there’s still one room left.”
She walks deeper into the cabin, and we follow her inside.
“We don’t need a room,” I say at the same time as Kai says: “Hope our room is private.” And I shove him hard in the ribs.
Romina walks us down the rickety stairs and into the musty bottom floor. There are a few couches down here, but mostly it’s sports equipment—bicycles, paddleboards, an old canoe that looks like it might sink to the bottom of the lake if anyone tried to use it. Clearly, this is where things come to die. It’s fitting she’s putting us down here too.
There’s a room off to the side, and she leads us through the door. I hold my breath as it opens and then am so relieved to see a bunk bed pushed against one wall. I can’t believe my luck. Two separate beds! And no one down here to witness us using them. If Kai thinks I’m going to squish into one bed with him just to prove a point, he’s going to be severely disappointed.
It’s twin-sized, with colorful pastel-colored Frozen sheets—Elsa on the bottom bunk and Anna on the top. Apparently this is the kids’ room. I imagine Jordan and Olivia up in the master bedroom—a king-sized bed, epic views of the lake, nothing musty and buggy and made for children—and feel a little sick to my stomach. But this is our place now. At least we’re still here.
“I’m surprised no one else claimed this creepy room,” Kai says. “So nice of them to leave it open for us.”
“Sorry about the bunk beds,” Romina says. “But you guys can definitely share the bottom bunk if you want. Or the top, if that’s how you like it, Penny.” She wiggles her eyebrows.
I ignore Romina’s joke and walk into the room, dropping my little red suitcase. “This is perfect.”
“Okay, now that you guys are finally here,” she says, “we’re going to take out the boat.”
“Your dad’s okay with you driving it?” I ask.
“I got my boating license last summer,” she says. “But maybe, like . . . don’t mention it to him next time you see him? I’ll meet you upstairs, okay? I’ll let you two have some alone time first.” She narrows her eyes at us suggestively, and then twirls around and heads back up the stairs.
To be honest, being out on a boat with everyone sounds like a nightmare. I’m nervous about seeing Olivia, how it will feel to watch her with Jordan while I pretend to be all into Kai. And trapping us all together in the middle of the lake is going to make things worse. This is setting itself up to be the biggest nautical disaster since the Titanic.
Kai shuts the door. “So, should we break in the bed?”
“Gross. The fact that I am even sharing this room with you instead of going out to sleep on one of those couches is a choice.”
“You know you can’t sleep out there. It’ll look weird.”
“Clearly.” I lift my suitcase and drop it down onto the bottom bunk, right on top of Elsa’s face. “I’m taking bottom.”
Kai doesn’t answer right away, just chews on his bottom lip. “Actually . . . I was hoping maybe I could have it?”
“Don’t you know anything about being a gentleman, Tanaka?” He drums his fingers against the side of the bed, and I notice he’s not smiling. And then I remember. “Oh. Are you . . . Is this a heights thing?”
“I know it’s stupid,” he says. His cheeks are red. “Like, obviously, this child-sized bunk bed is, like . . . not going to hurt me, but still. Don’t think I could fully fall asleep up in the air.” He’s looking down at the ground instead of at me.
I know I could tell him tough shit, could use this as payback for all the ways he’s wronged me, but I don’t think I have it in me. I don’t want to be mean just for the sake of it.
“Okay, no, it’s fine. You can take the bottom.” I pull my suitcase off the bed and then climb up the ladder with it, trying to haul it onto the top bunk. It’s way too heavy, though, and Kai has to help me with it.
“Thanks,” he says. “Um, what do you have in there? We’re here for one night, Penelope.”
“I needed a few outfits just in case. You don’t know how cold it’s going to get!” What I don’t mention is the blow-dryer, the curling iron and straightener, the ring light, and the three pairs of boots. Boys never know how much work we put into looking like we don’t try.
“This is supposed to be rustic.” He rolls his eyes. “This is a cabin. We’re in the woods. You can’t chill out for one night?”
“You know what?” I say, poking at his chest. “Boys always say they like girls who don’t wear makeup, but it’s not true. If I didn’t wax and moisturize and shape my eyebrows and all the other stuff you think is so fake, you would judge me.”
“All right, Weenie, you do you.” He takes a step back. “Should we go boat?”
“Ugh, remind me why I’m putting up with you?”
“Because we’re in love,” Kai says. “Let’s go.”
I unzip my suitcase. “I have to get ready.”
“You got ready this morning.”
“I get ready several times a day.”
Kai sighs dramatically. “Fine. I’ll meet you up there.” Then he leaves the room.
“Wait,” I say, but he’s already gone. I don’t know why I say it; it’s not like I enjoy his company. I wouldn’t want him watching me recurl my hair, making snide comments about how high-maintenance I am or something. That would be even worse than being alone.
* * *
• • • • • •
When I get upstairs, the house is empty. It’s quiet, just the low hum of the refrigerator, the ticking of the GONE FISHING clock on the wall. There’s a creepy deer head hanging over the fireplace, and I can’t help the feeling that it’s judging me. The deer knows how messed up this all is. He can see right through me with his glassy deer eyes.
“This isn’t my fault, okay?” I say, and then realize with a lurch that I am actually speaking out loud to a dead deer. I have become the girl who talks to roadkill. Luckily, there’s no one else around to witness it.
Where is everybody? It hits me then with sudden clarity: they probably left. They took the boat out onto the lake, and nobody remembered I was still getting ready downstairs. Would Kai have left me like that? Even if we’re supposed to be in love?
But then I hear faint laughter from outside and head to the window and there they all are at the docks. I’m filled with such relief that I’m a little embarrassed and I glance back one more time at the deer
as I leave, hoping he can’t tell what I was thinking.
“Yo, Harris! Get your ass down here!” Romina shouts, and I scamper down the stone steps and over to them. It’s the whole crew. Romina, Myriah, and Katie are untying the boat from the dock. Danny is there too, shirtless and lying out in the sun. And then there’s Jordan and Olivia. They’re on the cushioned seats at the back of the boat, his arm around her, holding her tight. It reminds me of the first time he held me like that, at the Halloween dance—how I knew in that moment my life was changing.
“Hey.” Kai is next to me suddenly. “You ready?” He puts his arm around me and leads me onto the boat, sitting us down on another bench. He pulls me close to him, so that we’re mirroring Olivia and Jordan. “All good?” Kai asks, his voice lowered, like he can tell I’m feeling a bit mixed up about everything. I take a deep breath and try to relax.
Kai’s arm might not be Jordan’s arm, but it’s still an arm. To be honest, it still feels kinda nice. Secure. I like having somebody to lean against while the boat rocks. “All good,” I say back to him.
“You were right, by the way.” His voice is louder now, clearly meant for an audience. “The wait was worth it. You look so good.”
Even though I know it’s not a real compliment, my cheeks still burn, and I’m embarrassed by how pleased it makes me. It’s nice to feel like my efforts aren’t going unnoticed. I went for a 1940s look—bright red lipstick and pin curls—because I thought it went well with the whole America theme.
But then Olivia ruins it. “So are we just supposed to be okay with hanging out with them?”
“Jump off the boat if you don’t like it,” Kai says.
“Everyone chill,” Romina says. “Actually, you know what? I want to say something before we leave.” We all stop talking and look at her. “I just think it would be really, like, modern if we could all put aside our differences and be friends. This is actually really cool, you know? I’m thrilled for Olivia and Jordan for getting together.” At her words, I can’t help but look across the boat at the two of them holding hands and my stomach clenches. “And to my little problematic babies, Penny and Kai,” Romina continues, and I whip my head back to her. “Cheers to finally getting your act together. We’ve all been waiting for this day for literal years. And yes. You both went about this in the worst way ever, and we can all agree that it was fucked up, but now everything is how it’s supposed to be, right?”