‘Stupid Man U fan!’ I mutter in a bid to choke back the emotion, and hope nobody is looking my way.
I was born just south of Manchester, and my dad is a lifelong Manchester City supporter. It’s the Blues all the way at home; when we upped and moved further south when I was eleven years old, Dad kept his allegiance – and often took us up for a day trip to watch a game. He had to have been disappointed that he had four daughters and no son, but I suppose in a way I became the substitute boy. I loved football and loved the time I spent in the park with Dad kicking a ball about. It was our time. You know the term ‘quality time’? Well this was it. I had Dad to myself. We could talk, or more often not talk, just quietly enjoy each other’s company. There wasn’t much quiet at home.
The biggest advantage from my point of view after we moved to a new house away from Manchester, was that Dad treated us to match hospitality when we went to a game. We had a posh meal, the best seats and got to see some of the players up close. And I had Dad to myself for hours.
I bet Jamie has never set foot in Manchester, he’s probably just one of those people who support a team because they’re big. Whereas us City fans know all about sticking by them during thick and thin.
I stare at Elvis. Wondering if he means more to Jamie than he’s owning up to.
Luckily, I’m in early (yeah, Harry and his bacon sandwiches were of some benefit) and the office is quiet, which makes it easier, because there’s a lump in my throat and my eyes are stinging and I don’t think I could cope if somebody made some wisecrack right now.
‘This is going to work out fine, isn’t it, Rodney?’ Jamie has marked out the physical boundaries of our new working relationship, now I just have to work out how to get it right with the people in my life. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. I just want them to listen to me. I think that bit might be a bit harder to sort than this. I need to be committed though, or it will be like Dave all over again. I must not dither. I must know what I want and stick to my guns.
I power up the computer, and it’s then I see the Post-it note half hidden under Mabel’s beak.
You left me to starve! Lucky somebody took pity on me, or I’d be extinct by now. There is a pile of what looks suspiciously like biscuit crumbs all over her feet, and a trail of crumbs leading to another note across in Jamie’s zone. Soz, spotted your biscuits and couldn’t resist. Only had one, Mabel had the other. J
I pull open the top drawer of my pedestal. There is one lonely biscuit left and another note, What were you thinking? Plain Hobnobs, no chocolate?!!! Will restock mine this afternoon and search out a Blue-Footed-Booby-worthy version for you tomorrow! J.
‘Idiot!’ I mutter under my breath, then realize I am grinning as I take my stack of sticky notes out, and nibble on the biscuit as I try and decide what I can write back.
Refer you to section 2, para 1 of contract – no touching of other’s belongings. Hmm. Suggest addition of ‘or eating’! Refer you to Section 3, para 1 – penalty to be agreed… I stop for a moment, then grin, and write faster. I reckon you owe me a packet of my choosing? Alice. PS Booby birds shouldn’t eat biscuits, dodgy diets are why animals become extinct!’
‘Morning!’ Sal waves breezily as she picks her way over towards her own desk and I slam the pedestal shut guiltily. My monitor is glowing, I’ve got no excuse not to start some work while it’s quiet. Yesterday was surprisingly productive – in the end.
After a great start, it did hit a bad patch, when my housemates got out of bed. I overdid myself on the assertive front; I think I might have verged on aggressive. And I can’t believe how horrible and impossible to concentrate it was when I felt guilty, and it was unnaturally quiet. But once I’d explained, it got better. Definitely. Obviously, it’s a work in progress, but it felt good.
As did blocking Dave.
I still don’t feel good about Soph. That is going to be trickier.
But just feeling like I’d made some progress, knowing that I should be able to find a new balance in my life, meant before I knew it I was totally absorbed in my work, and humming along to myself as I worked.
I finished off the design of a new website I was really pleased with and sent it to the client. Hopefully they’ll get back to me today.
I think my housemates have forgiven me. Zoe will obviously still have her hairdryer blasting away for hours, but Kat promised not to burst in during office hours (and suggested a lock on the door, and a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign), and Della gave me a grudging good morning as we passed on the stairs when I was leaving this morning. It’s a start.
I type my login details, hit enter and head over to the coffee machine to grab the first coffee of the day while I’m waiting for everything to load up.
There’s no email from my new client, which is a bit disappointing. Instead there’s an email from Dave.
Flipping hell, that man is impossible!
We need to talk. Please don’t make this difficult. As you have blocked my calls, I decided to drop by. I understood you were working from home? I’ll wait, your friend has been very accommodating and offered me refreshments.
Oh my God, he is pompous. And I am going to kill whoever let him in. I won’t be home tonight. Please don’t wait. Do we need to talk? No. Do I need to see him? Definitely not. I am going to stand firm. I said all I needed to yesterday. I’d rather you didn’t contact me again or call at the house. We need a clean break. My email at work is for work only, so I will talk to the tech guys and won’t be able to read any you send to this account after today.
Do I say, you better not have bloody messed with my room? Do I end with ‘kind regards’, or ‘best wishes’, or just my name?
I need a biscuit with this coffee while I think about it.
I pull open the drawer.
Bugger! I forgot there aren’t any left. Bloody Jamie, bloody men.
My fingers are twitching. Is it wrong to check his drawer? Okay, it’s his, I wouldn’t normally do this – but he did look in mine, didn’t he? And he did say he was restocking his own yesterday afternoon, so he must think I might look.
I open the drawer just a smidgen, to peep, totally acceptable. It’s not like I’ve opened it the full way.
Oh my God! Jaffa Cakes!
With a note. Well, a long message spread over several sticky notes.
Knew you wouldn’t be able to resist! No more than three – one for Rodders, one for Booby and one for you. For pity’s sake, don’t add any more to your menagerie or it’ll be a packet a day! J
I close the drawer. Trying to resist. But feel strangely boosted. Even if Jamie will never fancy me, reading his notes has lightened my mood.
Which is more than Dave has ever done.
It’s almost like Jamie knew what I needed today. A snack and a smile.
It’s not all take with Jamie; he wants this to be two-way. We’ve drawn lines, and we can share!
I look at my email to Dave. Why couldn’t he be more like Jamie? I am so over him. I add my name, hit send and send a message to Tech Support.
My inbox flashes. Incoming – from my new client.
Subject: Superb!!
Result!
Chapter Thirteen
Wednesday
I was very tempted to stock up on a ‘shared snack tin’ for us, as in me and Jamie this morning. Then I told myself I was being stupid.
What’s this about ‘us’? Arghhh!
For one, he’d think I was being weird. He also might decide we’d be better on a more formal footing to avoid any awkwardness or misinterpretations and remove the tape, and my belongings, from our desk.
Secondly, I don’t even know what he likes, biscuit-wise that is. He probably doesn’t even like them at all. It’s a girl thing. And, thirdly, what the hell am I thinking? I’m getting totally carried away. Who shares biscuits? I’m supposed to be taking control, not sharing, claiming my own ground – and he’s complicating it by being nice.
And sharing his own stuff. Biscuits.
But if I do that, is he then going to think I’ve given a green light for him to borrow other stuff as well?
Oh, and yeah, lastly, they have a crap selection of biscuits at my corner shop, and they’re four times the price that they are in the supermarket, so when I went in I hovered by the Hobnobs for a while, then settled for a packet of Maltesers and a can of soup. So that is that.
I am so rubbish at keeping my distance and looking after number one.
It was a bloody good job that when I got back from work on Tuesday, Dave had gone. It’s almost like now I’ve decided I don’t need him he needs to prove that I do. I guess our relationship has always been on his terms before. He’s always popped round when it suited him. In fact, it’s been about what he wants, not what I want at all. Why the hell has that never occurred to me before?
Okay, he’s been at the end of the phone when I need him. But actually available? Emotionally available, as in really listening and thinking about what is best for me?
And, to be honest, I can never not answer my phone if it rings – especially if it’s him – whereas some days I’ve had to call several times before he’s picked up. I don’t know how people can do that, ignore a ringing phone.
All of a sudden though, he’s keener than ever. Just like at the start, when he was chatting me up, before I said I’d go out with him.
He’d left a small bunch of flowers were where my laptop normally sits. In a vase his mother gave me.
I know he treated this like a second home. But now we’ve split up? That is definitely overstepping every boundary I’ve been trying to set up.
After a big dose of internal screaming, and a small external outburst that made Zoe stick her head out of her room, I took the flowers downstairs and ‘roughly chopped them’ chef style (more difficult than it sounds, even with a good knife – but hey, I was determined, and slightly frantic), then put them in the liquidiser, before pouring them over the bedding plants outside the back door. I then plonked the vase in a charity bag that was due for collection the next day.
Anyway, today was fabulously quiet on the Dave front – because he can’t reach me via email or phone! And there were no knocks on the door either – maybe I’ve actually been firm enough and this time he has finally got the message. It meant I could work in peace on the website and was only mildly interrupted by Jack screaming at Rocket League, and Della asking if the cucumber in the fridge was mine, as she needed to borrow it for demo purposes.
If I ever do buy a cucumber again, I will be keeping it in my room. Hidden.
She’s obviously forgiven me for shouting at her and Kat the other day. And she did ask, not just use it, so I call that a win. I am making progress.
I am making this work; I am making my place somewhere that I can be happy.
Chapter Fourteen
Thursday
I have woken up feeling strangely excited. It is an office day! This is absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Jamie might have left a message. Definitely.
My phone beeps as I get on the bus, and I fish it out of my bag, wondering whether he has left a message, and whether he actually has left biscuits.
Are you sure this is what you want? No chats, nothing?
Fuck, how did I forget to unfriend Dave on Facebook? A week ago, I might not have felt as confident about this, I would have had doubts. But I do know that this is what I want.
I want to block, block, block.
Dave has been a bad habit. I so nearly rang him over the hot-desking thing, but I’m relieved that I didn’t. To be honest, Jamie takes me less for granted, and makes me feel better, than Dave ever did.
If I can sort Dave, if I can sort my housemates, then I can sort my life. Make it more like how I always imagined it could be. Even in my cramped room.
I know I should just delete the message without reading it, but I can’t help myself. Do you need a longer break?
I jab at my mobile phone. This was never just a break, Dave. In my heart, I know it’s time to draw a line under this. For us both to move on. He’s only calling now because he is confused. Dave the decision-maker is suddenly interested; only because I am not. If I cave in now, then within a week he’ll have gone lukewarm again As I’ve said, I think it would help both of us if we cut off all contact for a while. I delete the ‘for a while’ and replace it with ‘leave me alone’, my fingers shaking as I hit send. But it isn’t because I’m scared or unsure, it’s because I’m bloody annoyed.
I unfriend him on Facebook (he has never, ever messaged me on there, which is why I forgot), block him, then systematically go through all my social media accounts and check he is blocked on them all.
I’m feeling flustered by the time I storm into the office and stop by the machine to grab a coffee on the way to my desk. Honestly, he’s now moved from okay-ex status, to total pest.
Being assertive is easy when it comes to work, but bloody difficult when it comes to breaking ties with a past that at one time I thought would be my future.
I jump at the sound of an incoming text, then realize it is from Lou.
Hey, how’s it going? Loving my new desk – Jamie boy is so much sweeter to look at than Sal to be sure! Hope you’re doing okay with old sourface! L x
She’s fine! To be honest, I’ve hardly noticed Sal sitting opposite me. I’ve been too busy laughing at Jamie’s notes, and working.
Hope you’ve not caved and got in touch with Dave again?! L x
Lou knows my weakness. She also knew I’d find this tough, and when times get tough I either chat to her – or Dave.
No way! Ye of little faith!! A x
Cool!
He did leave flowers in my room on Tuesday.
My phone rings. ‘You’re fucking joking? In your actual room?’
‘In my actual room.’
‘That’s not like the Dave I know and love! He must be major pissed off that you don’t want him anymore. Threaten your flatmates with back-to-back Hugh Grant movies on the TV at full blast for twenty-four hours or something if they let him in again.’
‘You just want to be sure I don’t see him and change my mind.’ There’s a pause. It is what she thinks. ‘But I’m not going to, Lou. Not this time, I don’t need him. And anyway, what’s wrong with Hugh? I like him!!’
‘So do I, Al. But I bet you anything that the welly-wearer and Joystick Jack will be scared shitless.’
‘I think it’s Zoe who lets him in, she’d probs be pleased.’
‘Shit. Well threaten her with the serious Hughie stuff, that’s enough to stop anybody! Or say you’ll cut her hair off while she’s sleeping or something.’
‘You’re evil!’
‘I know.’ She laughs. ‘You need to take a leaf out of my book, Al. Be more evil! Seriously though, you’re better not seeing him.’
‘I know. I don’t need telling, Lou,’ I say softly, but firmly.
‘Ace, well, have fun in the office today. How’s sharing a desk with the big J going?’
‘Fine. He’s fine.’ I pick my coffee cup up and head to my desk, going up on tiptoes as I walk, trying to see if there are any messages. ‘Oh shit, I better go, Dragon Lady is heading my way and she is looking grim.’
‘Sure. Catch you later.’
‘Speak later.’ I manage to dodge the dragon – who has spotted somebody else having fun and decided to jump in there and ruin their day – and make it safely to my desk.
I am grinning stupidly as I sit down. There is a note on Mabel’s beak!
Dodgy diet? Man, Jamie dude feeds me better than you ever did!
I open the drawer of my pedestal to get a pen and spot another note.
Sorry, I decided that is how a Booby bird should speak! But, really? What about lifestyle, are Booby birds solitary? Are they happy having only a freaky spider plant for company? Thought not!
I frown, not sure what he means and ponder about it while I power up the computer. It is then I notice the tiny penguin nestling under Mabel’s wing.
It’s cute. Incredibly cute.
Don’t call Rodney a freak! He has feelings! Alice x
I smile to myself as I write the note, then take a sip of my coffee and open up my emails. This day might have had a shitty start, but it has already improved.
I scan through the notes from my new client, answering some queries I raised yesterday and then get down to work.
The morning speeds by. The atmosphere is actually quite nice, now I’ve had a couple of days to get used to it. There’s still a buzz, but it’s quieter, fewer distractions. The nervous glances that everybody was shooting at everybody else have died away and some kind of normality seems to have settled. A new normal.
I don’t go out at lunchtime, just grab the sandwich and crisps from my bag and carry on working. For the first time I can remember, I don’t even eat all my lunch as I get distracted halfway through when I have a totally brilliant thought. I shove what’s left of my sandwich to one side; it can be a late lunch when I get in tomorrow afternoon and will save me messing about in the morning at home when I could be working.
This is the first project I’ve been really interested in for a while – a revamp of the current website for an animal rehoming centre.
I’d had lots of thoughts because I love animals so much, but the tiny penguin and Mabel sitting nestled together actually give me new ideas about theming it around loneliness and needing a pal to cuddle up to. Warmth and friendship. Happiness.
I’ll have to thank Jamie. Leave him another note. Even solitary birds need somebody.
The time flies by. I’m actually quite shocked when somebody walks past my desk saying, ‘Night, see you tomorrow!’
As I get in the lift, I realize I’ve not thought about Dave at all.
Chapter Fifteen
Friday
From: Slade, Diane
To:
Date: 9 April 2021, 07:30
Hot Desk Page 11