I feel the heat spreading over my cheekbones, but try to look casual, as though I’m not totally embarrassed.
‘I don’t think I’d want to let you go, Alice.’ His gaze makes me heat up even more; I’m holding my breath. This is unreal. Then he glances down, stirs his coffee. ‘But if you said it was over, then I might of course have to double-check and not give up too easily, but then I’d back off. If I knew it was what you wanted.’
‘He thought I’d go to a wedding with him.’
‘Not yours?’ Jamie has a gentle smile on his face.
‘Shit, no! His mate’s,’ I say slightly breathlessly, then sigh as the reality of Dave hits me again. ‘I mean, what kind of thick skin do you need to do that? He didn’t make the decision to split up, so he thinks it’s fine. I’m just available, on tap, to be used. I can’t believe he sat in my actual room waiting, though, and went rooting about.’ Maybe he thought I wouldn’t make a scene with all my housemates about.
‘That’s a bit freaky.’
‘He was bored. It’s a typical Dave thing to do, he even made my bed!’
Jamie’s eyes are open wide. ‘Wow, most people don’t even make their own.’
‘Exactly. We’re not compatible at all.’ He blinks. ‘Not about bed-making, I do make my bed,’ I add hastily. ‘I mean with everything else. He tried to change me, make me what he wants, and it took me ages to realize.’ I need to get this all off my chest now I’ve started, I don’t really know why I’m trying to justify our splitting up to Jamie though. ‘He used to throw out the bits of my stuff he didn’t like, which was most of it,’ I say wryly.
‘Ahh, so that’s why,’ he says softly, his eyes never leaving mine, ‘you keep stuff in the office? Where it won’t get touched?’
This is why I’m telling him, because subconsciously I know he’ll understand.
‘Sure, the home for my crap.’ I laugh awkwardly. It’s either that or I’ll be tempted to kiss him again.
‘It’s not crap! It’s cute, very you.’ There’s just the hint of a smile now, I don’t think he’s teasing. I think he means it. I’m cute. Me. I can’t breathe. I really do want to kiss him. ‘You Blue-Footed Booby girl!’
Oh. Not sure how to take that.
I stare down at my napkin.
‘But it is stuff he might have binned, or touched or…’ The teasing note has gone.
‘Yeah, partly. Well, mainly, but there’s never been much privacy in my life, seeing as I’ve got three sisters who like to borrow stuff. And housemates who eat my food, and desk sharers who eat my sandwiches.’ I raise an eyebrow and give him a look, and he laughs. A proper deep-throated, sexy laugh that makes me grin back. It lifts the intensity for a moment, makes it easier to carry on.
‘I didn’t actually eat it!’
‘I know. You’re forgiven.’
‘But your sisters don’t throw your stuff away?’
‘Nope.’ I circle the crumbs on my plate with a finger, then pull them together into a neat pile. ‘Just borrow stuff, especially Soph. Dave’s the only one that does that. It’s my own fault for not being clearer with him, but I’ve got it sorted now.’
‘Normally just saying you want to split—’
‘But we’ve split up before, then got back together and I guess he thought it was just that.’ I look him in the eye. ‘I’m a bit of a pushover.’
He grins. ‘Oh my God, I wouldn’t say that! Alice the killer negotiator!’
‘That’s at work. I’m easier going at home,’ I say, grinning back. Far too easy-going. ‘To be fair, it’s not just Dave, I’m just not much good at laying down the law with anybody which is why it was such a nightmare working at home last time and why I was dreading doing it again. But I think I’ve got it sorted now, I’ve got my room how I want and an understanding with my housemates—’
‘No more nicking your sarnies?’ His eyes are twinkling.
‘Exactly. Though I might need to be a bit firmer with my desk-sharer.’
‘Ouch, I guess I asked for that!’ His eyes really are gorgeous. Crack on, Alice, ignore how sexy he is.
‘And I don’t want Dave barging in and spoiling it, it feels like he’s invading my private space just as I’m starting to like it.’
‘He is.’ Jamie nods as he speaks. ‘It’s not on if you aren’t there.’
‘That’s why I wanted to come in today really.’ He must think I’m a right drip. ‘I just didn’t want to start the week on the wrong foot. And…’ Time to be totally honest. ‘I didn’t know what he’d say if he did come round, I don’t know what I’d say.’
To be totally honest, I don’t want to fall out. It’s not that I’ve ever thought Dave would be violent, he’s not like that. It’s just me. After what happened to Darcie, the acid attack, confrontation of any kind makes me nervous. She’d had the smallest of tiffs with that guy’s girlfriend, then refused to fight. She’d walked away. And look what happened to her. I spent lots of time with Darcie in those days, I was the natural choice – the quietest sister, the one who’d listen, the one who wasn’t mad about going out and wouldn’t nag her to have fun. I love all my sisters, but I loved Darcie so much back then. My heart hurt for her. I learned so much from her – about self-esteem, about bravery – about how it can be better to just walk away rather than argue.
But I’m not saying that to Jamie.
‘You’re worried?’
‘I just didn’t want to be there if he came. It would turn into an argument and it would spoil things. I’m not going to let him spoil anything,’ I say firmly. ‘And my housemates have got my back, they know not to let him in now. I should have made it clearer at the start, but I honestly never thought he’d do that.’
He squeezes my hand, and I suddenly realize he still has his over mine. He pulls back.
‘The worst bit was on Friday. I went mad. I trashed my bed,’ I say, to break the silence. There are better ways though; it is embarrassing remembering what a fury I was in.
Jamie chuckles. ‘I’d have liked to have seen that!’
‘You wouldn’t, believe me! Then,’ I take a breath, he’ll think I’m mad, ‘I went through everything in the house that was his, or that he’d bought me, and I trashed the lot.’
The grin on Jamie’s face makes me want to laugh. His eyes are shining and his whole face seems to light up, to be animated.
‘And then I made posters of him and made sure everybody knew he wasn’t allowed in.’
This time he laughs, a proper belly laugh. ‘That’s the Alice I know and love! Every option covered. You’re amazing.’
‘You don’t think I’m terrible?’ He said I was amazing! He also said he knows and loves me. Though he just means in a work-mate way. It’s just a turn of phrase, not a flaming proposition. I still feel all hot and bothered and over-pleased with myself though.
I think I am glowing.
‘No way. Crystal clear is the way to go with a guy like that. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.’
‘Even if it’s nasty?’
‘Oh, Alice, you’re not at all nasty.’ The grin fades, but he looks even more gorgeous now. Not at all judgemental. ‘Look, don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t want to interfere, but if you’re still worried that he’ll come back…’
I nod. I really don’t want to get into a shouting match with anybody. And if I got home and found him in my room, what if I couldn’t help myself? What would the consequences be?
‘So how did you manage before?’ The change in direction throws me for a moment.
‘Well partly ’cos one of the girls was away and let me use her room.’ I smile. ‘Her room with a lock!’
Jamie leans forward, rests his strong forearms on the table, his fingers knitted together. ‘Ahh. Well that’s what we need to do then.’ His smile is soft. He really is attractive when he’s in a gentle mood like this. Instead of teasing me.
We? I didn’t know we were in this together. That I had backup. ‘What?’
‘You need a lock on your door.’
‘Well I did think it might be an idea, but I trust my housemates, they won’t go in now, and they won’t let…’
‘Call it an insurance policy. Just in case somebody doesn’t lock the front door properly. And hey, it’ll stop your sisters from popping by and borrowing stuff, won’t it?’
This is true. And I had thought a lock could be a good option.
My housemates would let Soph in, no question. This sets a very firm, non-confrontational boundary. I just have to explain why I’ve done it, without upsetting anybody.
‘It’ll give you some privacy?’
I nod, still a little bit doubtful about how everybody will take it. ‘You can say it’s something you need for work, as you’ll have sensitive material there?’
Ahh, now that sounds more promising. I can go with that, and there are rules about data privacy and client confidentiality, and the risk of copying, aren’t there?
And I mean, if somebody accidentally left the front door open, and somebody walked in, and took my laptop… It doesn’t bear thinking about.
This time I nod firmly and smile. He smiles in response. We seem to be doing a lot of smiling at each other. ‘I’ll come around later and do it for you then. Okay?’
‘But, I can…’
‘You’ve got a lock? Screwdriver?’
I shake my head. I’m not the type of girl who keeps a toolbox.
‘Well then, stop arguing. Right, drink up or the dragon will be after us!’
I knock back the rest of my coffee and realize I’m smiling, and I feel relieved. Wow, do I feel relieved. It is like somebody has got hold of the tight knot in my stomach and unfurled it.
I can’t believe I’ve told Jamie all of this. I can’t believe he’s offered to come round and put a lock on my door.
I open the front door cautiously, which is stupid. Nobody would let Dave in.
There’s no sign of anybody else as I walk slowly upstairs and push my door open. The air comes out of my lungs in a massive whoosh of relief when I see that everything is just as I left it. I hadn’t realized quite how tense I was.
I sink onto my back on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Wow. I feel all floppy and pathetic.
Dave has not been round to the house today. This is excellent – I don’t want him here, and I was frightened that if he saw what I have done with his stuff it would cause MASSIVE conflict.
But I don’t need to explain myself, do I? This is my space, my life.
And shit, is that the time? I need to get changed.
I try not to overthink it as I pull a clean T-shirt over my head. Was it really a good idea to agree to Jamie coming here? Our chat this lunchtime has left me feeling even more conflicted. He’s a nice guy, he’s being kind, but he hasn’t a clue that I have the complete hots for him. Letting him in my bedroom isn’t exactly keeping him at arm’s length, is it? Even if he stays the other side of the door, and I’m by the bed, it is still barely an actual arm’s length. And he will have seen my bed, and my clothes, and…oh bloody hell! Look at the state of the place! There are knickers on the floor.
‘There’s a guy for you, Al!’ yells Zoe and my knees tremble. Oh shit, shit, shit. Dave is back. He must not come in here; I can’t handle that at the moment. I’m not ready for a showdown. And I’ve got Jamie coming.
Heavy footsteps come up the stairs. My heart is hammering as I shoot out of my bedroom door, pull it shut behind me and try and compose myself.
My hands are shaking, as well as my knees.
This is bloody ridiculous. Zoe would have said if it was Dave.
‘Hey! Do your mates always let strange men in?’ Jamie grins, and my heart starts pounding hard for a totally different reason. Relief floods through me, leaving me feeling all weak and hysterical.
‘You’re the strangest yet, haha!’ How can I be so jumpy? I’m losing the plot. ‘You’re early!’
‘Keen! This is it, then?’ Jamie motions at the door. Bugger, better let him get on with it. He’s here to do a job and get out quick. He must have lots of more interesting things he needs to do on a Monday evening.
‘Sorry, yeah.’ I fling the door open with a flourish. Shit, black knickers on the floor! I do a kind of weird dance, trying to kick them under the bed casually. Oh hell, they’re hooked over my heel, I need to flick them, casually, backwards, behind me.
He doesn’t say anything as I prance around like some mad Spanish dancer. He doesn’t seem to notice; the door is more interesting apparently. He waves a bolt in the air. ‘This isn’t that strong, it’s not like one for an external door, but I reckon it’s more of a deterrent than anything?’
‘Definitely.’
‘Great.’ He takes a screwdriver out of his bag.
‘More visitors on the way up! You’re popular tonight, Alice!’ chuckles Zoe, waltzing past.
Oh shit. Jamie and I look at each other. This is not good. Unless I throw myself at him, which would really send out a strong message to Dave.
I could apologize profusely to Jamie later. He’ll understand, it is in a good cause. It might even bring back memories of Reading Festival, of me, of kissing…
Except she didn’t say it was Dave, and everybody knows that Dave isn’t allowed in here. She definitely wouldn’t be laughing if it was him.
‘Well, well, well, big sis, what is going on here then?’ Sophie bounds up the last two steps and looks from me to Jamie and back again, then grins at me and opens her eyes wide mischievously and mouths ‘ooh sexy’ at me. I send back a ‘don’t you dare say a thing’ message with equally wide eyes. Which has never ever worked. ‘Hi, I’m Sophie!’ She looks back at Jamie, head tipped on one side.
‘Jamie,’ he says, smiling.
‘Oh my God,’ why does she have to be so dramatic? ‘Not the Jamie Lowe?’
‘Sophie!’
‘I have heard so much about you.’
Don’t you hate having sisters sometimes?
‘Really?’ He raises an eyebrow.
I glare at Soph, sending silent death threats. ‘She’d be lost without you; you’ve been so kind. Al deserves kind.’
‘She certainly does.’ He goes back to turning screws. I wish I could turn the screws on Soph. Or superglue her mouth shut.
‘What’s the lock for?’
‘Dave,’ I say, at the same time as Jamie says ‘work’.
‘Dave came round and made my bed and moved some stuff round.’ Soph will understand the ‘Dave’ reason, she hates him. She won’t be so hot on my need for privacy though, I still need to do some work with her on that one. ‘As if we never split.’
‘No shit? And you don’t want to shout at him?’ Sophie bowls past me into the room and sits on the bed, effortlessly going into the type of cross-legged pose that would send me toppling over if I tried it.
I’m not going to try it, and definitely not with Jamie and Soph in attendance. I did go to a yoga class once. I could cope with the lying on your back and breathing part, but when she started to talk about dying dogs and trees, she lost me. She moved on to a plank-like thing that had my whole body vibrating in a not good way; it was like I was on a train that was permanently in shuddering-to-a-stop mode. Then she demonstrated this heels-over-your-head weird handstand that looked seriously dangerous and I was out of there. If that was the end-game, I’d rather play Scrabble.
‘Not really. I haven’t seen him though,’ I admit. ‘But I did send him a message, and I did tell everybody that they shouldn’t let him in. But we think a lock is a good idea, not just for Dave.’
‘We did, did we?’ She grins. ‘So you and Dave are deffo over?’
‘Deffo. It made me so mad the way he just assumed he could waltz in here. I chucked all his stuff.’
‘Wow, you chucked his stuff? All of it? Oh please tell me you smashed that man shitting himself on a rock thing?’ She clasps her hands together as though she’s begging.
‘That was Rodin’s The Thinker.’ I sha
ke my head.
‘It was Dave being a dick. What kind of woman wants something like that on their bedside cabinet? Eurgh, gave me the creeps.’
‘Well you shouldn’t be in my room looking at it.’ She colours up, which makes me feel slightly guilty but also pleased. Progress! ‘No, I didn’t smash it or anything, but I did box it up.’
‘Awesome! He will be fucking furious. Ace!’
‘Soph!’ She never was very keen on him. ‘I’m not trying to make him angry; I just needed a clear-out.’
‘You’ve never got rid of any of his stuff before, not even the gross things.’
‘Exactly. I’ve never really meant it before,’ I say softly. I’ve been guilty of muddying the waters, of being selfish and using him as some kind of emotional crutch. I don’t need him now, but he’s not to know that, is he?
‘Well thank God you’ve come to your senses, you can do way better than him. What do you think, Jamie?’
‘I think it’s better to be safe than sorry,’ he says, tightening the last screw and jiggling the lock to check it’s firm. He winks at me, raising his eyebrows. I guess now he appreciates the irresistible force that is my sister. And why a lock is probably a good thing where she’s concerned. ‘There we go. I’d better be off, lovely to meet you, Sophie.’
‘And you! Hey, why don’t you come over to our barbecue on Sunday?’ She turns to me. ‘He should! Daz is invited, it’ll be ace. And then Daz won’t get all the attention and be interrogated.’
I sigh. ‘You just don’t want them to notice your boyfriend is vegan! You can’t use Jamie like that!’
‘It’s fine, I don’t feel used.’ Jamie is grinning, hands on hips, looking very manly. And sexy. He has a big screwdriver in his hand. That is sexy, believe me.
‘Nobody gets all the attention in our house anyway!’
‘Oh shush.’ Sophie chuckles. ‘Me thinks you doth protest too much!’ She grins at Jamie. ‘It’ll be fun! Sun shining, beer, we can boogie around the barbecue—’
‘Sounds cool. Purple hair, glowsticks and beer round the fire until the sun rises…’ His voice tails off as our eyes meet. I stare at him. Purple hair and glowsticks. Reading.
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