by Tara Brown
I wanted out of the Burrow. I wanted my father delivered to me.
I wanted a commitment from him that when this was over we would walk hand in hand and never look back, and he would try to be the man I needed.
It was a long list and entirely based on selfish things. All but the one thing I actually asked for, “I want something to make memories go away, permanently.”
He pulled his sunglasses off as his brow grew heavy over his hazel eyes, making them dark. “You want something to give someone amnesia?”
“And I never want those memories back.”
Servario swallowed hard. “You want to forget everything?”
“Everything.”
He stepped in closer. “You want this because of me?”
“Partly.”
“What about your kids, Evie?” He ran a hand down my cheek, brushing my hair back.
“What about them?” I loved that I was playing with him and he was a little unsure of the game.
His hand ran down the front of my dress, rubbing once over one of my nipples and then down to my waist. I inhaled as he lowered his hand to the bottom of my stomach. “Do you think I am an idiot?” he whispered and brushed his lips along my cheek.
“Yes, sometimes.”
He chuckled again. “You want to take away Dr. Saunders’ memories so you don't have to kill her?”
He was smarter than I gave him credit for. “My mom tortured her brutally. She needs to forget everything.”
“Kill her, Evie. It’s one person.”
“No.” I shoved him back. “How many times have you said those words? How many times was it just one or two or ten? The numbers add up fast. She is one more in a giant pile of lives I have taken. And she is innocent. She isn’t one of us.”
“So you want to save her by taking her memories and leaving her an unfulfilled blank slate? This is better?” His eyes twinkled with something, something good. I just couldn't place the emotion. It wasn't desire and it wasn't mocking. Was it joy? Did he feel that emotion? Out of the bedroom?
“I don't want to give her to the Burrow. They’re corrupt and you know it.”
“I do.” It wasn't a question, he agreed. He stepped closer again. “Are we being watched?”
“Of course.”
“Meet me in two hours at the castle across the valley from you. It’s an inn called Schloss Eberstein. I am staying there. Do not go to the front desk. Come in the back. My room is a suite. Wear your hat and glasses—they have cameras. I will give you what you want, but you have to come alone.” He leaned in and brushed his lips gently upon my cheek as he slipped a massive key into my hand.
Before I could argue or try to convince either of us this wasn't what we both wanted it to be, he turned and walked away. I watched, enjoying the view. A man in dress pants was a beautiful sight. A man with a firm ass in tailored dress pants was even better.
His words rang in my head again. His words telling me that I was with Coop because he allowed it, because it kept me safe. It didn't bother me. I didn't care that he had decided my fate. It was so closely tied with his that I couldn’t stop being manipulated by him. I didn't want to stop. He was right. I was with Coop because being with Servario wasn't an option.
Everything was a double-edged sword filled with contradictions.
I wanted my life to be peaceful, but I was madly in love and lust with the most dangerous man in the world.
I wanted to be a mom and drive my kids to soccer and hockey. I wanted the only decision I wrestled over to be what to make for dinner, but I loved my job as an international spy. Here I was, standing on the hillside overlooking a beautiful town in the mountains of Germany, watching the most beautiful man in the world walk away, leaving breadcrumbs like Hansel and Gretel had once done, leading me back to his room. And why? Because I was an adrenaline junky and a huge ho when it came to being with Servario.
On one side of the road was Coop, offering the quiet contemplation of an easy life with a man who was easy to love and easy to live with. We shared all the same interests, and he made everything peaceful and safe. My heart was safe.
On the other side of the road was Servario, offering me none of those things. All he had was his heart in his hands and even that wasn't always available. He was the wrong choice in every way, and I was tired simply from thinking about the work it took to be with him. But at the same time, he was the only choice I ever made.
My determination to make the choice of no one and be single never lasted. The resolve faded away the moment Servario was there. Whereas I had lived with Coop for months doing nothing but pining after him, I lost all control the moment I was with Servario. That was not a possibility with him.
Watching him cross the field, completely confident I would show up in his room in two hours, killed me. I hated being predictable, and with him I was always predictable.
Fuck two hours, I would be early and we both knew that.
I turned and made my way down the hill to the footbridge, again blending into the crowd. I eyed Coop and pushed my sunglasses on again.
He went to the car, starting it and circling the block. I cut through an alleyway and jumped in when he stopped.
“So I take it he isn’t interested in helping?”
“He is. I have to meet him in two hours.”
He turned his head. “What did he say?”
“He’s going to help. He said he was going to give me what I wanted.”
“What did you ask for?” His tone was back.
“Something to wipe her memory. Really? You think I asked him for something else?” I was so tired of this conversation, mostly because I was guilty and the weight of it was too much.
“I can’t do this anymore.” His words were the ones sitting on my tongue.
I gave him a look. “Which part?” For me it was everything. I was about to resign and go into hiding with my kids and mom, the very act she had begged me to do in the beginning.
“All of it. I can’t watch you be a spy. I can’t watch you pretend anything. I can’t watch you be in danger or be scared or hurt. I hate that you fought Servario. I hate that you ran two miles barefoot. I hate that he even sees your face. My sister is dead. This world killed her, and I can’t do this with you.”
I fought the urge to shout in his face by staring straight ahead as he drove us back to Jack’s. “Your sister is dead because she was a soulless asshole. She sold secrets. She was a liar and a traitor. After everything your father did for our country, she betrayed him and you and me and everyone. She wasn't part of our world. She was a spoiled, selfish little bitch who got what she deserved. I have no time for traitors, and I do not want to be compared to one.”
“That's not what I’m saying.”
“I know. But let’s not even bring her into the discussion. She has taken enough of my time. Neither of us is happy with how this is playing out and that is the issue here.” I hated the words I was about to say. “You don't want to be second fiddle. You want me to be upfront. I am being that right now. I’m sorry. I agree. We shouldn't do this anymore.”
His foot slammed on the gas. “Fine by me.” He drove like a madman, desperate to be away from me perhaps. When he got to the gate he punched in the code and drove in, not waiting for the gates to open all the way. The car barely missed hitting them. I sighed my exhale when he slammed on the brakes and jumped from the car, turning to lean in the window. “But this is the last time we ever have this conversation.”
“Yes.” I hated myself for hurting him but he deserved the truth. And I needed to stop living in some fantasy world where he was a good option. It was cruel and selfish.
He stormed inside with me on his heels. He went up to his room as I strolled into the kitchen, desperate for a glass of wine or a scotch.
Hilda the cook grinned at me. “You vant drink?” she asked as if she were psychic.
“Yes, please.”
“I get you drink.” She chuckled and pulled two shot glasses and a gree
n bottle from the freezer, pouring amber liquid and passing me one. “Zum wohl!” she proclaimed loudly and clinked the glasses.
“Zum wohl!” I drank it back, shuddering from the unexpected Jägermeister shot. The green bottle should have been a dead giveaway, but this was a moonshine version of it. Like German shine.
She poured us a second one, clinking and shouting, “Prost!”
“Prost!”
We drank and the warmth of it filled my belly.
“Now you be better!” She took the glasses and walked back to the pot of whatever she was cooking. It smelled divine.
I turned and walked out into the living room, smiling at the window where I could see my kids in the pool again. This time Jack was in there too. Luce gave me a look from the chair where she was reading a book. “Hey, how’d it go?”
I opened my mouth but the words got a bit lost. It took a second to find them again. “Good and then not so good.”
She wrinkled her nose. “You finally kill things with Coop?”
“Yeah. Where’s Mom and Janice?”
She bit her lip. “Janice is locked in a room and your mom is sitting outside of said room, guarding it.”
“Oh.”
“She’s probably fine. How’d he take it?”
“He didn't. He’s pissed and hates me and we won’t ever be friends again.” I sat carefully, still favoring my ribs. Jack stared at us through the window. “Why are you and Jack broken up?”
“It was a mistake.” She sighed and gave him a long look with me. “You don't shit where you eat, Evie. Hasn't your mom ever told you that?”
I nodded, not saying anything. I didn't need to add anything to that. We had both learned that lesson the hard way.
Jack seemed confused, as though Luce had broken things off and he didn't understand why. Our little team, our little family, wasn't doing so hot. Pairing off as couples had been the worst thing we could have done. I saw that now. Clear as friggin’ day.
My mom was right, all along. There was a life with a guy like Coop that was ideal and perfect, and it involved me not being a spy. She wanted me to retire again.
But I wanted this. The more I did it, the more I wanted it.
“So what’s the plan then?”
“I am going to the Schloss Eberstein and meeting Servario, and he will give me what I want.”
She turned her head, her lips twisting into an evil grin. “And just what do you want, Miss Evie?”
I bit my lip and contemplated that myself.
20
Estellaaaaaaaa
The castle on the far side of the valley was magnificent, but in a hospitable way that Jack’s wasn't. It glowed from the lights and lanterns and candles that were just being lit as the sun started its descent for the day. There was opulence at every turn. It was the kind of place I would take my kids, if I weren’t always trying to hide them.
But that wasn't in the cards. No. My cards were all bad ones, and I was playing them as I could.
I walked around the back of the hotel, smiling at the servers as they hurried a meal out to the patio. Inside I sighed. It was beautiful. The sort of place a girl got married when she was young and full of ideologies about how the world looked and who she would be in it.
I wished I could find that girl again, the one who was filled with foolish notions and naiveties. I took the grand staircase up, blending in with the guests as I pulled the key to the suite from my pocket.
One small whisper in my mind told me to be ready. This might be a trap. It always had that chance with him. It was part of his appeal. I enjoyed the way my muscles tightened and my senses heightened and everything felt like more.
An exhale was erotic, the way it echoed in the tense silence we always maintained. A touch meant a thousand different things. It could vary from an apology to a warning about the level of fucking I was about to endure. Sometimes when I was particularly lucky, it was him confessing his love for me, with a trembling grip and a gentle kiss.
I lifted the key, sliding it into the lock, letting one of those intense exhales out as I turned the handle. Inside, the room was stunning. Of course. But not nearly as stunning as my room at Jack’s. This was much more a hotel and much less a castle. Outside, it was entirely castle-like. Perfectly fairytale themed.
But in here only one thing was nicer than my room. He lifted his gaze from the book he was reading. Great Expectations. Of course.
“Do you realize how alike we are to this book?” he asked as I closed the door.
“No,” I replied, leaning against the heavy wood and wondering where this would go.
“You are Estella, beautiful and full of life. When you were younger, your parents protected you from everything, and no matter how hard your mother tried to talk you out of this life, you chose it. Her training you to be something you would never be failed. Just like Miss Havisham did to Estella, always leading her away from what was best for her. Convincing her to hate men and not let her love Pip.”
“And let me guess, you are Abel Magwitch, the convict?”
“Hurtful, Evie.” He closed the book and chuckled. “No. I’m Pip. But I’m also glad to learn you have read the book. That is a nice surprise.”
“I’m not nearly as dumb as you give me credit for, and the movie had Ethan Hawke in it, so yeah, I saw the movie and read the book.”
“Of course. As I was saying, I am Pip. Not worthy of you but always striving for it. I have had to endure your marriage to James—obviously Bentley, that moron—and I have worked my entire life desperately trying to be enough.”
I lifted a finger and pointed. “That is a lie. You asked my father to date me once and he said no. He knew what kind of life you would have. No parent would have said yes to you. But from that moment on, you have lived life exactly the way you wanted to. Pip did everything for Estella. His love for her never waned, and he never fucked his way across Europe the way you have.”
“You forget the Americas. I frequently visit there.”
“Sorry, right. He never fucked his way across the world, the way you have.” I rolled my eyes.
“Don't roll your eyes at me, Evie. I frequent the US because I am watching you.” He got up, placing the book down on the coffee table, and strolled to me.
“That's even more creepy. You come to the States to watch me and happen to fuck some other women while you’re there because you’re a sex addict.”
“No.” He placed his hands on either side of my head and stared down, intently. “That's not how it happens. I never fuck other women. And it’s not what I want to talk about. I have decided something very important about us.”
“That you want me to consent this time when we have sex?”
“No. I mean, yes, of course. But that isn’t what I was trying to say.” He shook his head like he was fuddled. “I want to say I have decided that I deserve you, Evie. I have come to see this as a fact.” His greenish eyes burned with passion.
“So you—”
“Don't. Don't you dare analyze a single moment of this.” He lowered his mouth on mine, brushing softly. “You have already talked enough.”
“Don't tell me not to talk. That's like shushing me, and girls don't like being shushed. It’s our eye roll.” I shoved him back, cringing as the pain in my ribs flared for a second. “I don't need to analyze anything. I have done that enough to actually drive a sane person to madness. What I do need is to tell you that if you think you deserve me then I deserve a commitment from you.”
He tilted his head.
“Don't look confused. You know what the word means. I want you to say you will not have sex, nor touch, nor escort, nor kiss, nor contemplate a single other female or male for the duration of this relationship. Or let them touch you.”
“You want to get married?”
I laughed in his face.
“That's married, Evie. Commitment is married in my books.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I don't want that. I was married—rememb
er, dear sweet James? You haven’t forgotten him already, have you?”
“That was no marriage. Let’s fuck and speak of this afterward.”
“No.” I shoved him back again. “I want you to show me you have the ability to be abstinent in my absence. You may not even touch yourself. I want a real commitment from you or absolutely nothing at all.”
He paused, clearly giving it some thought. I couldn't pretend I wasn't bothered by that. I was crushed. He’d said worthy and in the first moment to prove it, he failed.
“As I suspected. So, if you will be kind enough to get me that memory drug, I will be on my way.” My heart broke. I swear I felt it slip down my broken ribs to my guts and down my leg to the floor, a useless ball of jelly. But I didn’t let him see that. I offered a smug grin and held my hand out.
He clenched his jaw as fury filled his eyes and his breathing picked up.
“What are you going to do, Gustavo? Rape me? Force me to like it?” I rolled my eyes cruelly and shrugged. “Is that all you have in your bag of tricks? Sexual prowess? Nothing else?”
His nostrils flared but I didn’t move. I didn't back down. And I sure as fuck didn't lower my gaze.
“Want to fight again?” I offered cavalierly. “Fine, but until you can respect me enough for me to be the only woman in your life, apart from those nuns at the orphanage, don't bother me with your fancy words and comparing us to one of the greatest love stories ever written for complex people. When you can show me that you are the right man for me, then I will let you be the only man for me. That means no more sex slavery and no more human trafficking, and you will find the men who are running the child-grooming operation in Blackpool and give them to me.”
He remained frozen, agreeing to nothing while no doubt struggling to hold every bit of his temper in check.
“Goodbye, Gustavo.” I spun and opened the door, stepping out into the hallway and leaving him there to steam like an angry bear.
He didn't follow me. He never really did. He enjoyed being in charge and me being hung up on him. Desperate for him.