Looking for Love

by Kathy Bosman

  ***

  The game drive in Thula Thula Game Reserve proved to be a real treat. Not only did they spot zebra, giraffes, hyenas, and several different type of buck which Ella could never remember the names of, but the company ended up being the biggest plus-side of the whole Sunday.

  Dirk never lost his exuberance tempered with kindness and interest in everything Ella said. He hung on her every word but not in an oppressive way. She nearly forgot her concerns about Ross and the decision whether to try match-make him with Pauline.

  Nearly.

  Until they settled for a sundowner on the outside of the restaurant at the resort. The fruity cocktail in her hand and wetting her mouth eased her mind. She smiled at Dirk who returned her cheer with a knee squeeze. She imagined him drawing closer for a good kiss. Oh, well, maybe all her troubles really could disappear in the light of his eye-candy face.

  He chose to chat instead of kiss which frustrated her a little, but not too much. The nuances of expression passing over his face were a much better view than the backdrop of the nature reserve.

  “Tell me about yourself, Ella. What do you do besides match up couples?”

  “A lot.” She took a few more sips of drink to ease the sudden flutter in her chest whenever she had to talk about her job.

  “Well, I’m a receptionist, Girl Friday at Esquire Optometrists. And you, do you enjoy your work as a marketing manager?”

  Send the ball back into his court. And it resurfaced in her mind—all his info on file even though she’d glanced through it briefly the day he came in and asked her on a date. She’d given him back his file after they’d dated, insisting he either date her or be one of her clients, not both at the same time. He’d chosen the former, much to her excitement and probably to Carol’s disgust.

  “What’s been bothering you today?” he asked, changing the subject way too quickly back to her.

  “Nothing.” She shrugged, giving a nonchalant expression to hide any questioning. A few more gulps of the cocktail helped, burning ease down her throat into her gut. She sighed and closed her eyes a moment. Maybe openness was the best way to proceed with Dirk. It wasn’t the notorious first date where you weren’t supposed to reveal anything too personal or negative.

  “I suppose I’m confused.”

  “About?” He frowned at her.

  “Not about us. I mean, I’m really enjoying getting to know you.”

  He responded with a satisfied grin and another knee pat. “I’m all ears. I’m a good listener.”

  She relayed her situation with Ross and added in her ideas to match him with Pauline. By the end, he had a delighted smile on his face.

  “I can see you’re in the right business. Do you enjoy matchmaking?”

  She nodded. “Very much.”

  “Well, sounds like a good match. You’ll get him off your back and your friend will have her wishes fulfilled.”

  Off her back? She didn’t really see his affections toward her as an inconvenience or irritation. Just, they brought so much confusion and fear. “I suppose.”

  “What reservations do you have about it?”

  “Well, for one, Pauline stressed I mustn’t. I also don’t think Ross is ready.”

  “I can tell you a story of what happened to me. I had a crush on a girl in uni. But then her friend was a Maths boffin so we often spent study time together. I helped her with the factual side and she helped me get through my horrible Mathematics One course. There was no attraction between us—I mean, I fancied her friend. But spending so much time together, the feelings do tend to develop. And her friend landed up with another guy so I asked my study partner out on a date.”

  “And?”

  “We actually had a decent relationship for a while. One of the only ones that didn’t end in disaster—we just couldn’t sustain it when she moved to London after she got her degree.”

  “Sad.”

  “These things happen. Maybe for a reason. Who knows?”

  “So, what’s that got to do with Pauline and Ross?” Sounded more like an encouragement to go out with Ross. Dirk couldn’t be doing that, not the way he was stroking his hand hotly up her thigh.

  “Well, you get them to spend time together. Maybe get them to help you with a project in your matchmaking business. That way, they’ll automatically begin to see the good in each other—well, Ross will in Pauline. I don’t think Pauline needs any encouragement.”

  “Brilliant.” She lifted up her hand to high-five him and Dirk slammed his into it. He bent forward for a kiss and she closed her eyes, the kiss being the perfect culmination to a stimulating and rather successful conversation.

  Dirk took her home and gave her another kiss outside her door, just like she’d imagined the perfect second date would end. She waved goodbye to him and flopped on her couch with a sigh. A perfect evening with a perfect guy.

  Jumping up, she ran to her bedroom to retrieve the notebook her mom had given her as a teen. At the time, the book had annoyed her. Mom planned her life out—every step, like when she’d change her hairstyle, when she’d change jobs, when she’d retire. And she’d planned Ella’s life, too. Hence the notebook. To write down her plans and for Mom to check them.

  “You have to plan exactly what type of man you want. You can’t just let any man come along and sweep you off your feet. That’s what happened with Dad. Our marriage ended up a mess, as you know.”

  Ella found the notebook and took it downstairs. She’d written a twenty-step sequence of how her perfect romantic relationship would pan out. Dirk had followed the first four steps to a T. Ross and she could never be. They’d deviated. If they got together, they’d be backwards. Messed up.

  As a young teen, she would have chosen a haphazard and unplanned relationship or guy just to make Mom upset. The woman had driven her crazy, with her need for control and structure. Many a time, Ella had threatened to run away from Dad, but deep inside, she’d known she was too much like Mom and needed that routine, that sameness. Change scared her witless.

  She paged through the notebook, the smell of its yellowed pages bringing back memories. Happy and frustrating memories. Every time she’d been mad at Mom, she’d missed Dad. But the way Mom spoke about him, she didn’t think he could help her. “He’d be a bad influence on you,” she’d said. So, she’d turned to her friends and then later Ross.

  Ross had become like a substitute for her father. Farther on in the notebook were pictures cut out from magazines of her ideal man. She smiled at her naïve choices. Then, right at the back, she found a photo of Dad.

  “I thought I’d lost the photo,” she spoke to the empty room. Tenderly, she stroked the glossy finish. Her dad looked very eighties in his puffy-sleeved jacket with the sharp collar and his weird baggy work pants. A giggle erupted. Then she zoned in on his face. An ache bloomed in her heart.

  Oh, I miss him. Mom always made me feel guilty for missing him.

  Anger burned in her gut. But Mom had been the one there for her all those years growing up. Dad had never bothered to visit, had stopped writing. Mom had taught her to be responsible, to plan ahead for the future, to think carefully about every decision she made.

  “I forgive you, Mom,” she breathed out.

  Well, that was pretty easy. Why did she still feel so knotted up inside?

  The anger really came from her dad. She stared at the photo. Could she ever forgive him for leaving like that?

  “Snap out of it. You’ve just come back from an awesome second date, girl!” she chided herself.

  Slipping through to the kitchen, she made a late-night hot milk drink and went off to bed, the notebook left on her couch.