by Robyn Hill
"Now, this is a secret family recipe so I am afraid I cannot give it out." She gently laughed and waited for us to begin our meal. Nobody said anything for a moment.
"Excuse me ma am, but this is nothing more than rocks and sticks?" I said to her.
I did not want to hurt her feelings but surely she could see that it wasn't roast.
"Oh, it was nothing my dear. I am so glad you are enjoying it. Please eat up, there is plenty to go around."
Mr. Dooley looked at me and then slowly lifted his spoon to his mouth pretending to enjoy the meal. "Very kind of you Miss, it is really quite... um, delicious."
The lady seemed pleased. "I am so happy to feed the occasional traveler. I offered to feed two young men who were passing through earlier but they were very ungrateful and didn't eat a thing!"
Jordan, looking disappointed from the lack of food on her plate, asked the old woman, "Two boys you say? What did they look like?"
Jordan pretended to take a bite of rock from her plate.
"Well let's see," the lady said, "As I recall they both were filthy dirty, they certainly were, it looked like they hadn't bathed for days!"
The three of us wiped our mouths and pretended to be full from dinner. The old woman stood up.
"Oh my, I have been so rude, let me get you each a nice tall glass of milk to wash down your dinner."
She hobbled over to a pitcher and filled up three glasses. The glasses were full of water rather than milk, but we were so thirsty we were quite happy with the mix up.
"Thank-you so much for dinner ma am, but we really should be going. Say, you don't happen to know where those boys were headed do you?" Mr. Dooley asked.
"As a matter of fact, I do." she answered.
She stood up and motioned for us to follow her towards the back of the cave. She then folded back an old gray curtain and revealed a large tunnel.
"My dears, it is either 2 days to the next town by foot, or 15 minutes by tunnel.” She frowned, “I even allowed those two ungracious young boys through my tunnel despite their rudeness."
I was very apprehensive after the dinner mix up so I decided to ask her a few questions. "You say this leads to a town? Have you been there ma am?"
She looked at me and giggled, "Why of course I have, I am getting too old to travel by foot, my sweets, I always travel by tunnel. Muttle, which is where it leads, is a nice town too, although the mayor could certainly use a good swat and his mouth washed out with soap!"
She looked at us warmly "But don't you worry a bit, just sit down and hold on tight. You will go down quite a long slide, but it is rather a very enjoyable ride."
The three of us hesitated, "Well, we certainly won't last a 2 day journey without any food or water." Mr. Dooley said.
The lady looked surprised, "Oh my, how rude of me, If you' rather take the trail, I can pack up some leftover roast for you three to take with you if you like?"
Jordan began hastily climbing up to the entrance of the tunnel, "Oh, no, we couldn't" she said, "We are so full as it is and you have been much too kind already. We need to move along quickly so we will just go ahead and take the tunnel."
I helped Jordan to the small tunnel's entrance, "Be careful Jordan, and remember, don't even take a step until Mr. Dooley and I arrive safely at the bottom with you."
Jordan squirmed around a bit to get comfortable, "Don't worry about me, of course I will wait for you. Thank you so much for the meal Ma-am." Jordan let go of the side of the giant hole, and with a small push, disappeared into the dark.
"Weeeeeeeeee!" We could hear her voice gradually disappear as she went deeper into the tunnel.
"Ok, Mr. Dooley, you go ahead and go next." I helped him up to the top of the entrance.
"Well here goes," Mr. Dooley said, "Thank you for everything Ma-am."
With that, Mr. Dooley also disappeared into the tunnel's depths.
"Well, I guess that leaves me," I said looking nervously at the kind old lady as I climbed to the top of the entrance.
"Enjoy the ride, my sweets, and do be leery of hagglers!" The kind old lady gave me a gentle push and I dropped into the dark black of the tunnel.
Chapter 7
At first I did not like the feel of moving so quickly in the pitch black of the tunnel. I sped rapidly along, feeling the smooth walls of the cave. It wasn't very steep and I was moving along steadily, but then the ride took a large dive and I felt like I was flying. My hair was whipping around slapping at the back of my neck. I could feel the centrifugal force squeeze me to the sides of the tunnel as the ride wrapped me around sharp turns and bends.
After about five minutes, I began to relax. I remembered the old lady saying it was an enjoyable ride and once I calmed down, I noticed it rather felt like a ride I had been on at Knot’s Berry Farm. As I whipped around one corner, I could hear the roar of an underground waterfall next to me. I yearned to be able to see it but it was too dark. I could feel small splashes every so often as I made my way deeper and deeper into the tunnel.
There were several more turns and one very large dip where I was lifted high off the slide. I flew mid-air for several feet until I landed back on the glassy surface. The pitch black, along with the twists and turns, were starting to make me feel sick to my stomach.
Suddenly, I noticed a small gleam of light up ahead. The light was very slight and fuzzy at first but as the slide took me closer it began to take the shape of a circle. Suddenly the exit of the tunnel was very bright and I landed with a loud thud onto a soft grassy patch.
I turned to find both Mr. Dooley and Jordan right next to me. Jordan had a huge smile on her face.
"That was absolutely the best time I have ever had!" she spoke excitedly as she stood and brushed herself off.
Mr. Dooley, on the other hand, looked like a very disheveled version of himself. His thinning hair was sticking up all over the place and his business slacks were pulled up to his calves revealing some un matching green striped tube socks. "Well, I am quite relieved that is over," he said as he wobbled back and forth trying to stand up.
After we all gained our composure and stood up, we looked around. There were old wooden buildings surrounding us, and what looked to be an old fashioned school house up ahead. A trail, like the one we had been on earlier, twisted around and eventually led past the school. We decided to head towards the school to see if we could find any people.
As we approached the school, we noticed two people on the playground equipment. The strange thing was that there, on the teeter totter, were two grown-ups rather than children. One was a man and the other a woman.
"Excuse me, but could you fine folks tell us where we could get some food and water?" Mr. Dooley asked.
The couple stopped teetering and stared over at us.
The man began to speak with a childish sneer on his face, "What's it to you?"
I looked at the man and tried again, "Um, we are sorry, but we aren't from around here and we are looking for someplace we might find food and water?"
Now the woman spoke in a sing songy manner, "I know you are, but what am I?" She asked in a teasing voice.
I wasn't sure if I understood her correctly, "Um, I didn't call you a name ma-am." Suddenly they both began furiously teetering back and forth, shouting "Dumb bells, dumb bells, you three are big fat dumb bells!"
We stood there watching them for a few minutes, when a small girl in a red dress came from around the corner of the school house.
"Mom, Dad, it is time to come home now and eat dinner."
The man burst into tears, "I don't wanna go now, I wanna stay here longer, you can't make me go!"
The lady began laughing and pointing to the man, "Crybaby, crybaby, you are a big stupid crybaby!"
The girl walked over and put her hand on the teeter totter to stop it. "Mom, Dad, you can come play here tomorrow, we need to go home now or you wi
ll both end up in your rooms!"
The dad slowly climbed off and gave the little girl his hand, "Ok, but she called me a name!" he said as he pointed to the mother. "I don't like her!"
The mom shouted back, "I don't like him either!" With that, the mother hurled a sticky lollypop at the man's head and it stuck in his hair.
The girl grabbed the mom's hand, "Now listen you two, you are married and you are going to like each other whether you like it or not! Now march."
As the three walked off, the parents started giggling and singing a song, "You and me, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first came love, than came marriage, then came the baby in the baby carriage!" they pointed to the little girl and squealed with laughter.
"Very funny you two." we heard the girl say as they shuffled towards town.
We watched them walk away. "Well that was certainly odd." Mr. Dooley commented.
"Yes, well nothing surprises me anymore," Jordan said with a hint of panic, "None of it makes any sense! First we meet a lady who is digging a hole to China, then we meet a nice lady, but she thinks rocks and sticks make a good meal, and now we are in a town where the parents act like kids and the kids act like grown ups! I just don't understand any of it!"
Mr. Dooley scratched his head. "I have been giving it a lot of thought, and I have a theory as to what may be going on here."
Jordan and I waited for him to continue.
"I think that the special mixture of gum ingredients, mixed with our dna, has spiraled us into a different sort of dimension. A dimension where our unconscious fears and strange dreams have come to life."
I thought about it for a moment, "Mr. Dooley, if this is true, how do we know the gum will work to return us safely home?"
Mr. Dooley looked down at the ground, "I am sorry to say, I don't know if that will be the end result, but can only theorize. You see, if the gum had the power to place us in a different dimension, well then, theoretically, when we chew it again it will surely place us somewhere else. I can only hope that somewhere is back home."
Jordan kicked at a rock by her shoe, "We need to find those boys who stole the gum, that's for sure. I think we should head into town and see if they are there."
We decided that was our best bet, and began to follow the trail that led to town.
Chapter 8
Walking through town, we noticed several houses with colorful swing sets, and sure enough they were filled with adults bickering and laughing while the children chastised them. The trail led us past a few shops but unfortunately, they were all dark with rustic signs hanging up that said they were closed.
As we rounded one corner we noticed a young man, probably around 16 years old, wearing a trench coat and a black cap pulled over his squinty eyes.
"Excuse me sir, could you help us?" I asked him. "We are looking for two young boys who might have come through town this way."
The teenaged boy peeked out from under his hat, and whispered, " You need some help huh, come a bit closer and I will see what I can do."
We walked closer the the boy and noticed there was a cardboard box next to him. He started to reach for it.
"I like your shoes." The boy said to Mr. Dooley. "Let's say I help you find these two boys for the trade of your shoes."
Mr. Dooley considered the offer and answered back, " I suppose finding the boys is most important. It is a deal, if you help us, I will give you these shoes."
Jordan looked at the boy with uncertainty and asked him,"Have you seen these boys we speak of?"
The young man whispered back, "Not exactly, but in this box, I have just the weapons to help you track them down quickly."
The boy started to pull something out of the box. "Now what you are about to see is top secret, you mustn't tell a soul."
He was about to reveal the object, when his eyes became narrow and he continued speaking in a low husky voice. "It is a secret spy weapon. It is very small and round and easy to hide. It has four small holes in it so you can look for very tiny, almost microscopic clues as to where those boys are."
He took the object out of the box. I looked down at it and with a tired voice said, "Um sir, that is a button, it is simply a button and we do not need it. If we needed a button, we could take one from our clothing."
The boy grumbled and returned the button to the box. "Fine then," he said as he retrieved the next item.
He narrowed his eyes even more, "This next tool is cutting edge technology. If these two boys happen to shrink, you can use this weapon to attach one end to the criminals and one end to a wall! You can never miss with this beauty!"
This time we looked down and the boy was holding a small staple.
"Sir,” I said with irritation in my voice,“that is a staple and we are not worried about the boys shrinking! This is getting silly, really very silly, you are merely showing us everyday objects and creating new, outlandish ways to use them! If you aren't going to help us, we will be moving along!" I looked at Mr. Dooley and Jordan, "Let's go." I said.
The boy held out his arm and stopped us, "Wait, this, you have to see."
He looked around as if to make sure no one could hear him.
"What I am about to pull out of this box is completely top secret. It is the lightest weight infra-red blanket ever created.” He lowered his voice, “It was designed especially for desert sleep. It will cover you, yet allow the heat to escape as you search for these boys." He slowly reached in and pulled out a small folded piece of something.
Mr. Dooley looked down and rolled his eyes, "All right", he yelled, "This is ridiculous. What you are holding is nothing but a piece of toilet paper!” Mr. Dooley looked at the young man and shook his head.
“You must take us as fools, you have tried to sell us a button, a staple and now a piece of toilet paper! These are not secret spy weapons! You most certainly are not getting my shoes!"
Mr. Dooley was clearly agitated at this point, and did not want to waste any more time.
The boy shook his head, picked up his box and started to walk off. "Your loss," he shrugged, and he shuffled down the path.
"What a swindler!" Jordan said as we walked a distance behind the boy.
"Not a swindler, he is called a haggler" I said to the both of them,
"The old lady warned me about them just before I went down the tunnel." I explained to Jordan and Mr. Dooley what I had heard about hagglers.”Apparently hagglers are all over these parts. They survive by tricking people through stealing and lying.”
We walked a bit further down the trail and began to notice many houses along the sides. As we continued forward, we saw two small children getting mail from a mailbox.
"Excuse me, we are not from around here but we are starving and thirsty and don't know where to go." I looked at them with pleading eyes.
The children, one boy and one girl, looked us over and then waved us to come inside of their house.
The house looked ordinary enough but had a delicious smell coming from the kitchen area. We walked to a cozy kitchen that had yellow butter cup wallpaper. "Thank-you so much for inviting us in, you can't imagine what a rough day it's been." Jordan explained to them both.
The boy cleared his throat, " We have finished dinner and put our parents to bed, you are more than welcome to eat some leftovers."
We looked over towards the counter and our mouths began to water. There was meatloaf, salad and lightly toasted bread. There were no sticks and stones this time, and we were starving.
As we ate the young boy asked us questions, "So what brings you here to the town of Muttle?"
I spoke first, "It is quite a long story but we are looking for two young boys who stole something from us. Have you noticed any newcomers lately?"
The boy thought for a moment, "Actually there were two boys who wandered through here yesterday. I could tell they weren't from around here because they argued and carried on like a
couple of adults."
Jordan asked with her mouth full, "I don't suppose you know where they were headed?"
The boy paused, "They were trying to sell something they claimed had special powers. One of our neighbors explained to them that only hagglers sell things without clearing it with the mayor first."
The young girl looked up, "It is against the law to sell anything without clearance from the mayor first, although hagglers do it all the time."
After we finished the most incredible meal I had ever eaten, we stood up to thank the children and to be on our way.
"Thank you so much" I said, "Could you do us one more favor and direct us to the Mayor's office? We are hoping to find out something about the two thieves."
The girl and boy gave us directions, wished us luck, and we started heading in that direction.
After about 4 blocks, we saw what the two young children had described as the mayor's office. We approached a large wooden door and loudly knocked. Nobody answered at first so we knocked again.
This time someone shouted, "Come in, dagnabit!" We slowly walked into a large living room area. There were pizza boxes all over the floor and soda cans piled everywhere. In the middle of the room sat a heavy man playing video games wearing a name tag that said, Mayor Tud.
We approached the man and Mr. Dooley whispered, "Remember he is an adult, and we know how they act in this town."
Mr. Dooley cleared his throat, "Hello, Mayor Tud? Would you mind if we asked you a few questions?"
"Hmmphf" the mayor murmured back.
Jordan stepped forward, "Sir, could we ask you a few questions please?"
Suddenly an explosion sounded from the video game, "Stupid cod picken fruity tootin game!" The mayor yelled, and then threw the controller across the room. He stared into space for a second, then stood up, smiled, and put out his hand, "Pleased to meet you. Now, what can I do for you?" he asked politely.