by Flora Burgos
KEEP HER
Flora Burgos
COPYRIGHT PAGE:
Copyright @ 2018 by Flora Burgos
All Rights Reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cover Designed by Tracie Douglas at Dark Water Covers
Edited by Julia Goda at Diamond In The Rough Editing
DEDICATION:
This one is for those among us who battle demons no one else can see.
For the individuals who are labeled with an acronym or a diagnosis like DID, PTSD, ADD, ADHD, MDD, BPD, manic depressive, anxiety, agoraphobia, and so, so many others.
Don’t you dare ever give up.
I see you.
I hear you.
I love you.
Because I’ve been there.
All of my love,
Flora
Chapter One:
When Claire Dunlap first woke up, the dredges of her nightmare still clung to the air around Claire. She was drenched in a cold sweat, and her chest was heaving.
She worked to slow her breathing and listened to see if anyone else in the house was stirring. These nightmares had hit her with an alarming frequency lately, and it was rare that she didn’t wake Katy and Sean.
Katy was largely pregnant and had no business getting up in the middle of the night to take care of her wreck of a cousin. Especially after all of the horrible things Claire’s own father had put her cousin through.
Not too long ago, her father, a man she had always known in her heart of hearts was evil but had always held out hope that he would change, had kidnapped and tortured Katy in hopes of gaining her inheritance.
While Claire had been sitting in the backseat of someone else’s car next to Courtney, whose brother had come with his closest friends to aid with Katy’s rescue, she had heard firsthand her father’s demented yelling. That’s when she’d realized that there was no hope for him. Then she had sat, earbud in her ear, and listened to Sean, a man she had come to see as family since then, begging the woman he loved to live.
Claire had spent long moments fearing the worst for her cousin, and those moments, the realization of just how deranged her own father had been, they continually ate at her.
Self-doubt, recriminations, and the desperate fear she had felt course through her veins, they haunted her. This was her burden to carry.
It was a blessing that after the sniper had fired his shot and her father had bled out in front of an abandoned building—on property that Katy’s father had purchased for Claire so that she could rebuild her life, property that Claire had since sold for next to nothing, knowing it could never be her home—Claire’s mother had disappeared.
In one of her more cognizant moments, Claire had cut access to her trust that paid her mother a monthly stipend, and she knew that she would be feeling its loss, but she also couldn’t bring herself to feel bad for the other woman. The moment the man who had helped give her life had bled to death, her mother had taken off to places unknown, unconcerned and uncaring of the damage caused to her own flesh and blood.
This was the agony of being raised by parents whose only reason for keeping her alive was what they could gain from it financially.
The thoughts rushed through her, a chaotic and sickening flow of pain, and she felt her gut lurch when it got to be too much, which had her jumping from her bed and stumbling to the restroom to empty her stomach.
Staying with Katy, in the house she had been raised, compounded her guilt and made her feel like a
drain on her cousin, even though she never complained and both Katy and Sean went out of their way to make her feel like she was a part of their family. Though Claire knew deep in her heart that she didn’t deserve the love and kindness they showed her.
The bile exploded from her, and her eyes filled with tears. This was her legacy, her lot in life. This was what she deserved.
Once she was done and flushed the toilet, she collapsed against the bathtub and covered her face as the tears rushed down her cheeks.
That was when she heard the light knock on the door and saw Katy walk in carrying a cup of water and a washcloth.
Katy handed the glass of water to her cousin and said gently, “Here you go, love. Swish this around in your mouth a few times and spit it out. I’m going to get this washrag wet, so we can clean you up, and then you’re coming into the kitchen, so I can make you some hot cocoa.”
Claire took the glass and did several swish and spits before her mouth no longer tasted like vomit and took the cloth from her cousin to wipe her face. She stood and threw her arms around the slightly older woman, saying, “Kate, go to bed. I’ll be OK, and little man needs some rest. He doesn’t need his mama up and taking care of her fucked-up cousin.”
Katy gently rubbed a hand over her swollen stomach before saying, “This little man or little lady has been torturing me all night with the worst heartburn ever,
so taking care of my completely unfucked-up cousin is exactly what we need to be doing. So, come on. Chop, chop! Brush your teeth and get your butt in a chair at the kitchen table. No excuses.”
That got a ghost of a smile from Claire, and she nodded before standing.
Katy saw that her cousin was going to do her bidding and nodded before waddling to the kitchen to start the kettle for cocoa.
When Claire made it to her seat at the table, Sean was already there, which compounded her guilt, knowing that she had made him get out of bed as well.
“Guys, I’m sorry. You two go back to bed. I’ll be OK the rest of the night.”
This got Sean’s attention. His head jerked up, and he asked, “Did we say anything to make you think you were puttin’ us out?”
Katy sat their mugs down in front of them and took the seat opposite Claire as she answered, “No, it’s just that—”
Katy cut her off. “It’s bullshit, that’s what it is. We’re family. Sean and I? We’re doing what family does. Claire, honey, I’m scared for you. I watch you walk through life scared to really connect, haunted by your memories, and as fragile as the most delicate china, and I don’t know what to do to help.”
“I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I appreciate you guys being there for me, but I’m at a loss. I just… I just don’t know what to do.”
Sean was never one to let a damsel suffer distress, so he spoke up, saying, “Well, tomorrow, we’re going down to see Cole and Court and the boys, and you are coming with us. The first thing we are going to do is get you out of the damn house.”
Claire and Katy looked at each other and smiled, Claire’s a little forced, before she picked up her mug to take a sip of the chocolatey goodness her cousin had made specifically because she liked it.
Chapter Two:
The ride down to the La Barron ranch was the first time in a while she had laughed, because her cousin was a nut and had to dance to the music that she and Sean kept fighting over. They went back and forth several times before Katy smacked the power button and pouted, “Fine, no music, then!” Both Sean and Claire knew it was pregnancy hormones and burst out laughing.
After she laughed, Katy jerked her head to the backseat and grinned hugely at her cousin. Her ire was forgotten, and she seemed as if she was on a mission t
o do whatever she could to coax a smile from the woman who had lost the ability to smile lately.
Claire was relieved when they arrived and she didn’t feel forced to show her family a fake smile, when in truth she was tired.
Bone tired.
She felt like it was easier to fade into the background when everybody was crammed into a room—Courtney and her boyfriend, Cole, his brother, Clint, in his wheelchair, and Sean and Katy—all vying to get a word in. This worked for a few minutes, but as everyone started to disperse, Courtney caught sight of Claire and demanded, “Get over here and hug me, young lady!”
That ended the ‘fading into the walls’ theory and forced her dead square in the thick of things. Devon, Courtney’s brother, was missing from the group. She felt bereft, which forced her to realize that she had actually been looking forward to seeing him again.
They had occasionally spent time together, and anytime she was in his presence, he seemed to have the innate ability to calm her. He also tended to hook an arm around her if she was within his reach, standing or sitting. He never did anything more than hold her in an absent way, almost like he could sense that he was offering protection from the horror of it all. Then there were the others things he could do. The flutter he brought to her and the rush of being near him were just a couple. The things he made her feel were surprising and welcome when ninety-nine percent of the time she felt stone cold dead inside.
And now he was not here to shield her.
She forced herself to smile and pretend for a while longer like she wasn’t screaming inside; but as soon as Cole showed her to her room, she retreated to it and stayed in bed past dinner, giving the excuse that she had a headache. She didn’t think Katy bought it but appreciated that she pretended to so as not to freak their friends out.
When everyone had called their good nights to each other, and a half hour had passed, she snuck out of her room to go down to the kitchen for a glass of milk. On her way down, she walked passed Clint’s room. Seeing the door open and his light on, she popped her head in and started to ask if he wanted anything, but she caught sight
of the way he was trying to stretch and came fully into the room, demanding, “Clint, what the heck are you doing, man? That’s all wrong!”
With a grunt, he released his leg and looked to her, blowing out a big breath, saying, “Oh yeah? And how would you know?”
His bitter tone didn’t slow her even a little bit when she walked to him, sarcastically saying, “Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I only lived with a father who was a physical therapist for a good portion of my life. Jeez, dude. Look, put this hand here and the other over there, and then gently pull back on it. Getting angry and hurting yourself is only going to make your recovery draw out that much longer.”
Straightening out so that he was flat on his back, he said, “Sorry, Claire-Bear, it’s just annoying to be using a damn wheelchair when I should be up and moving again. Do you know that I’ve been shot before, and all I had to do was plug a hole and rush back into the fight? And now I can’t even get my legs up under me long enough to walk to my damn mailbox before I’m back in that chair.”
Accepting that, she sat in the chair resting against the wall by his closet door and asked, “Do you have a physical therapist? You really shouldn’t be doing this on your own, you know?”
Absently, he patted his stomach and laughed sarcastically. “Little sister, I have a nice nest egg to invest and keep me solid for a long while but no insurance, and if I start paying for shit I can do on my own, that nest egg is
going to dissipate quickly, and I won’t have anything left to fall back on in the long run.”
“So, I hate to ask this, but where did you learn the moves, then?”
He looked sheepish and said quietly, “Well, you can find anything on the Internet. I just typed into the search bar what I was looking for and found some recordings.”
Claire shook her head at him, and this smile wasn’t forced when she said, “OK, look. I’m no doctor, but I can tell you a few things I think could possibly help, if you want.”
Clint lifted his head and looked at her. “Really? I, yeah, that’d be alright with me.”
“OK, well, we can sit down tomorrow, and I’ll show you some things that might help. Right now, though, I am going to the kitchen to get some milk. I stopped by to see if you wanted me to grab anything for you while I’m up?”
He smiled at her and then dropped his head back down. “No thanks. I’m gonna rest here a minute before I get settled for the night. Will you kill the light on your way out, though?”
Nodding, Claire hit the light switch on the wall and shut the door behind her.
***
Claire woke from another nightmare and knew she had screamed. Her throat was burning, and she was covered in sweat again and shaking with the cold of it.
Katy and Courtney came to check on her, and after changing clothes and promising them that she was OK, they all finally went back to bed.
Claire spent the rest of the night wide awake, the only way she could ensure the nightmares would leave her alone.
Chapter Three:
Claire spent the next day helping Clint work on his form and recommending moves and stretches that she thought would help him the best.
Laughing while everyone lounged around in the living room that Sunday, Clint was telling them his failings in being a patient for her. She jerked to attention when Cole spoke up and said, “Claire, you should come stay with us for a while and help Clint get back on his feet.”
Courtney jumped up and practically shouted, “Yes! Come stay here and help me even out the numbers. Please!” She was so over the top with her reaction that Claire cracked a smile.
Claire looked to her cousin to see what she would say and was relieved when she heard Katy decide for her. “That’s a great idea. I know you get stuck hanging around the house waiting on me with this crazy pregnancy.”
Claire lowered her voice and asked, “What about you? Would you be alright without me for a little bit?”
Katy smiled and replied warmly, “Claire-Bear, you don’t have to stay for me. I’m going to be fine on my own for a little bit. I don’t want you to feel like you aren’t welcome, because our place is your home and always will be. But if you want to do this for a little while, then please don’t feel guilty for it. Whatever you want.”
Claire perked up a corner of her lips to give Clint a semblance of a smile when she said, “No offence, but you really do need some help. I guess I should take pity on you and give you a hand for a few days.”
“Weeks,” came Clint’s response.
“Weeks?” Claire asked in shock. “No way, man. I’m not moving in!”
This was when Cole interjected, saying, “C’mon, Claire. You would be doing us a solid. We need some help, so that Courtney can get out there and help me more often rather than trying to take care of my stubborn-ass brother.”
Claire rolled her eyes and huffed but gave in. “Fine. As soon as you are up and moving, I am going back home, though. Deal?”
Clint grinned at her and winked.
Courtney clapped her hands together and said, “Alright. Now, who wants to help me throw something together for lunch?”
Sean spoke up, “Court, you don’t have to worry about that. We’re going to have to head out soon anyway.”
She rolled her eyes at Sean and said, “Ev, you don’t get to have an opinion, and I am pretty sure that my friend carrying around your basketball of a spawn may want to eat before you decide she can starve all the way home!”
Katy backed her up and said, “The girl speaks the truth. And no Claire to distract me? I may end up tossing you into a ditch somewhere along the way.”
Sean opened his mouth to retort, but Claire beat him there. “Yo. I need to go home to get some clothes and my car, and I am not getting taken out by my niece tucked away in that gigantic belly of yours!”
Courtney muttered, “Oh no, she didn’t” under her
breath, and Sean burst out laughing.
Even with a nightmare on Friday night and not sleeping on Saturday, Claire found she could still be a little bit sassy.
CHAPTER FOUR:
When she pulled down the long drive in her car later that day, Claire saw another truck in the drive, one that definitely hadn’t been there before. Against her will, her heart bumped in her chest with a hope that the new vehicle meant that Devon was back from wherever he had disappeared to this weekend.
Just then, the man she was obsessing over walked out the front door and rambled his way over to where she parked her car. He came to a stop when she opened the car door and asked, “Need me to grab some bags for you?”
Claire looked back into her car and said, “Well, I only have the one suitcase and my purse, so I think I can get it.”
Dev did a double take, and confusion clouded his face when he asked, “Only one?”
She could see that he was thrown, so she returned in askance, “Yes?”
“Can you teach my sister how to do that? Swear to God, she packs two suitcases to go down to the barn!”
Claire knew he was exaggerating, but when Courtney had come to stay with them while getting ready for Katy’s wedding, she had brought her whole touring trailer from when she’d traveled the rodeo circuit, so she could only imagine how Courtney over-packed for