“Yes, that is the normal course.”
He visibly nerved himself. “I’ll want to marry a man.”
Astrid stared at him. “A what?”
“A man.”
“You’re gay? How can you know? You’re a child.”
“I know. I’ve got nothing against girls, especially you and Aunt Fornax, but they won’t do for romance.”
She opened her mouth, but found nothing to say. This was wholly unexpected.
Fornax stepped in. “Hello, Santo.”
“Oh, hi, Aunt Fornax.” He did not seem completely surprised by her appearance.
“Let me see if I understand. You believe you are gay, and that this makes you unworthy of adoption into a straight family? Because you’re different?”
“Yes,” he whispered.
“Let me remind you about difference,” Fornax said. “Every person is different in his or her own way, some more than others. Astrid isn’t human; she’s a basilisk whose very look can kill. Her kind is shunned by all other creatures.”
“Not by us,” Santo protested. “She’s nice.”
“She has a soul. That makes a difference. Without it she would not be the person you know and love. But the point is, you know her. You know how kind spirited she is, and how dedicated she is to your welfare, and the welfare of all the children. So she’s a basilisk; we who know her don’t care.”
“We don’t care,” he agreed. “But—”
“And consider me. I’m the Demon of Antimatter. I will destroy anything I touch here in the terrene realm. I have to appear here in ghostly form so as not to wipe you out. I am also a pariah among Demons, who have constantly balked my effort to participate in this realm. Sensible folk want nothing to do with me.”
“Aunt Fornax, that’s not true! You enabled us five children to return from the future instead of dying there, and you have been helping us all along. We owe everything to you, and we love you!”
“And I love you. Do you think I care about a little detail like who you want to marry sometime in the future? Do you think Astrid cares? That’s your business. So you’re different. You’re only a little bit different compared to Astrid and me. In no way are you unworthy. We don’t think so, the other children don’t think so. You’re fussing about next to nothing.”
“And we need you to be adopted, and have the portrait painted, to save Xanth,” Astrid added.
Fornax smiled. “It would be a shame to have Xanth lost because you mistakenly felt unworthy.”
Santo gazed at her, assimilating that. Slowly it sank in. “May I hug you?”
“Carefully,” Fornax said, opening her arms.
He hugged her ghostly form, carefully, so as not to overlap too much. “Thank you, Aunt Fornax.”
“Oh, you’re welcome, dear.”
“Now we can go home,” Astrid said as they finished hugging. “Can you make another tunnel there, Santo?”
“No,” he said a bit sheepishly. “I used all my magic energy getting here, and I don’t know exactly how I did it. It will take me days to recover, and then I probably won’t remember how to do it.”
Astrid looked around. “We’re in the dungeon of a castle, obviously. We can go upstairs and out, then see about walking back.”
“Remember where you are,” Fornax murmured.
“In the dungeon of a castle—in Hades,” Astrid said, realizing. “But that’s—on another planet. Pluto.”
“Yes,” Santo said. “That seemed to be the place for me.”
“But that means you tunneled through space-time itself!”
“I guess,” he agreed.
Astrid exchanged a glance with Fornax. How could he have done such a thing? It would have taken a lifetime of walking to go from Xanth to Pluto, if walking there were even possible. He had done it in what, an hour?
“Point of irrelevant information,” Fornax said. “Space is magical in various ways, one of which is the existence of wormholes. That is, holes between one section of the universe and another, short-cutting distance, such that passing through one can enable a person to traverse in a moment what he otherwise might not navigate in his lifetime. The ability to create such a wormhole might be useful on occasion.”
Santo had created a wormhole? That made his talent a magnitude greater than it had seemed before. He might well be a Magician in the making.
“I think we won’t be walking back,” Astrid said.
“I’m sorry,” Santo said. “I didn’t know you would come after me.”
“Again, consider where you are,” Fornax said. “There may not be many castles here.”
Astrid considered. She knew of only one castle in Hades: the one Princess Eve had had made so she could live apart from the awful spooks of the nether region.
“Princess Eve!” she exclaimed.
“Princess Dawn’s twin sister,” Fornax agreed.
“She lives in a castle in Hades. This must be her castle. All we have to do is go upstairs and ask for her help. I believe she has a way to go back and forth to Xanth.”
“I understand there is an enchanted path connecting the castle to the River Styx,” Fornax said. “And that across that river, by additional magic, is Xanth.”
“Styx,” Santo said. “I’ve heard of it. The lethe water in it makes you forget.”
“There’s a ferryman to transport folk across the river,” Astrid said. “Because they can’t swim in it; they’d forget where they were going.”
“Princess Eve can arrange for a pass across the river,” Fornax said.
Astrid walked to the stone stairway at one end of the chamber. It led to a closed door. “This must be the way up.”
But the door was locked from the outside.
“I guess I figured I didn’t want to be disturbed,” Santo said.
“Okay, how about the tunnel you came in on? Can we follow it back?”
“I don’t think so. Sections will have filled in.”
Astrid explored the chamber and found a round tunnel leading out of it. She stepped into it, using her superior night vision. But it quickly terminated in a blank wall. The wormhole must have closed up at that point. Maybe just as well, because otherwise trolls, goblins, nickelpedes and other horrors might have used it to come after Santo.
What now? Astrid returned to the locked door. “Do you have energy enough to make a hole through the lock?” she asked Santo.
“Not yet,” he said somewhat sheepishly.
Astrid pondered anew. Then she tried something different. She knocked on the door. Maybe there was a guard.
“Who’s there?” a voice called from the other side.
Ha! “Visitors to see Princess Dawn,” Astrid called back.
“She’s not here.”
Oops. Dawn could well be visiting Xanth, or attending a function with her husband, the Dwarf Demon Pluto. What now?
Astrid gambled that the guard on the other side was not very bright. “Then we’ll wait for her return. Please unlock this door and let us through.”
“Okay.” It worked!
In a moment there was a clank as of a plank being lifted clear, and the door swung open on a small landing. There was a frightful spook with horns and a forked tail. A guard demon.
Astrid flashed him a fetching smile. “Thank you, Jeeves.” She and Santo stepped through. “That will be all.”
The spook stepped back, recognizing the tone of authority.
“You are clever in your off moments,” Fornax murmured.
“It’s more like desperation and sheer luck,” Astrid replied subvocally.
The landing led to another flight of steps. They mounted these to another landing, and thence to more steps. But eventually they reached the regular cellar of the castle.
There was a boy, about five years old, playing with something on the floor. It looked dead, but it was running around. In fact it was a zombie rat, hideous to behold.
“He
llo,” Astrid said. “I’m Astrid.”
“I’m Plato,” the boy said, responding in kind, as she had hoped.
“Princess Eve’s son,” Fornax murmured. “The future second Zombie Master.”
So Eve was out, but her son remained. Someone must be here to take care of him. “May I speak to your nanny?” Astrid asked.
“Sure. She’s in the kitchen. She’s a zombie.”
Astrid suppressed her surprise. This was Hades, after all. “Thank you.” They walked on up one more flight of steps and into the castle proper.
“Hello!” Astrid called, to alert the nanny.
A gray-haired young woman appeared. “Who are you?” she asked, evidently alarmed by the intrusion.
“I am Astrid, and this is Santo,” Astrid said. “We got caught in the dungeon and wish to return to Xanth. We’re sorry to bother you, miss—?”
“Zosi,” the woman said. “I’m Plato’s governess.”
Santo laughed. “He said you were a zombie.”
“I am.”
There was a brief but awkward pause. Astrid tried to patch it up. “You certainly don’t look like a zombie.”
“It’s a long story. I’m fully alive at the moment. How did you get in the dungeon?”
“That’s complicated to explain.”
“Maybe we should have enough of a discussion to get to know each other better,” Zosi said diplomatically.
“I’m hungry,” Santo said.
“Do you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?”
“Sure.”
“That’s good. My talent is to conjure them.”
The mention of food brought Plato to join the group, along with his rat, and the boys discussed holes and dead things while they ate. Soon the adults were seated in a pleasant living room overlooking a somber scene of Hades outside. “I really am a zombie,” the woman said. “Zosi Zombie. I spent some time in the ground defending Castle Roogna from invaders. But since the retirement of the original Zombie Master the zombies have become fewer. We slowly wear out, and have to be replaced, but there are no replacements to be had. So I was selected to return to life so I could try to deal with the problem. In time I encountered Plato, and Princess Eve prevailed on me to become his governess. His talent is to reanimate dead things, you see, and since I’m a zombie, that doesn’t bother me the way it does others, and I don’t bother him the way prim finicky women do. So I am here taking care of him and helping him develop his talent. He can’t reanimate dead human folk yet, but when he’s grown he’ll do it, and zombies will no longer be threatened with extinction.”
“That’s remarkable,” Astrid said. “It never occurred to me that there could be a shortage of zombies.”
“They’re an essential part of Xanth, just as puns are.”
“Which bring us to us,” Astrid said. “I am a basilisk in a manner roughly similar to the way you are a zombie: I am in human form, and mask my gaze so as not to hurt anyone inadvertently. I have a soul, and the basilisk life didn’t entirely suit me, so the Good Magician got me transformed, and I served on a mission to repay him, acting as a bodyguard because of my ability to kill monsters. That mission was to eliminate the virus that destroyed Xanth’s puns.”
“It never occurred to me that there could ever be a shortage of puns,” Zosi said with a smile.
“But it seemed that no sooner had we managed to make Xanth safe again for puns, and start restoring them from the capacious depths of Caprice Castle’s vaults, when we learned of another threat to Xanth: it will be destroyed in fifty years, unless we can get five orphan children adopted into new families, and their portraits painted. Santo here is one of the children. He felt unworthy, so he fled to what turned out to be your dungeon. Hence my presence there.”
Zosi’s brow furrowed. “How did he get in there, and how did you locate him? Hades is far away from Xanth.”
“His talent is making holes,” Astrid explained. “He made a tunnel to your dungeon.”
“A tunnel from Xanth? That would require Magician class magic!”
“So it seems. As for how I found him, I had help from my friend Fornax.”
“Fornax! She’s a notorious mischief-maker. We had to fight her constantly to eliminate the Bomb that changed beauties to crones. In fact, she made the Bomb. Do not trust her.”
Astrid smiled. “Times change. She also made the dress I am wearing, that was instrumental in dealing with the virus. She is my friend.”
“I don’t think she is anybody’s friend. Don’t trust her.”
Astrid was taken aback. “Maybe if you heard her side of it, you would reconsider.”
Zosi shook her head. “I’m not sure of that.”
Fornax appeared. “Hello, Zosi. I remember you and respect you.”
“The Demoness!” Zosi exclaimed, horrified.
“Listen to her,” Astrid said. “She’s on our side now.”
“You almost got Kody killed!”
“Kody?” Astrid asked.
“Her Mundane boyfriend who visits her in his dreams,” Fornax explained.
“I’m his dream girl,” Zosi agreed.
“I confess I made mischief for you, Zosi,” Fornax said. “And for Astrid’s party. But then things changed.”
“What could change a malicious Demoness?”
“Friendship.”
“She needed a friend, and I became that friend,” Astrid said. “She has been a friend indeed, helping me throughout, though it will cost her a Demon bet. She saved the life of one of the children, and got in trouble with the Demons for it. She enabled me to find Santo in your dungeon.”
“I find that hard to believe.” Zosi shook her head as if clearing it. “Which reminds me: why did he go there? It’s not a good place.”
“He felt unworthy to be adopted,” Astrid said.
“Why?”
Astrid hesitated, uncertain whether to speak of the boy’s secret.
“Because I’m gay,” Santo said.
“Really? That’s wonderful!”
Astrid, Santo, and Fornax stared at her. She did not seem to be sarcastic. “Wonderful?” Santo asked.
“My boyfriend in Mundania is gay.” Zosi saw their looks of incredulity. “He’s reversed in Xanth, and we love each other. But I would never fit in with his real life.”
“You know he’s gay, but you don’t condemn him?” Santo asked.
“Why should I condemn him? He’s a fine man. I’m staying alive because of him. Otherwise I’d have little reason not to return to my full zombie state.”
“But you’re taking care of Plato!” Astrid protested.
“Yes, and that is worthwhile. But that’s my job, not my preference. My will to live is because of my dream man.”
“I don’t think I quite understand,” Astrid said. “Which one of you is dreaming?”
“He is. Awake, he’s in Mundania. But he can dream of Xanth. That’s when he visits me, reversed. That’s what I live for. His visits. It’s a dream to him, but he’s perfectly solid to me.”
“He detonated the Bomb and woke in Mundania,” Fornax said. “The Night Stallion gave him a dream pass. I’m glad it worked out.”
Zosi looked at her. “You’re not here to mess that up?”
“Not at all, dear. I’m here to help save Xanth from destruction.”
“I hope it’s true.”
“It’s true,” Santo said. “Aunt Fornax helped fetch me from the future, where I would have died, along with the other children.”
“How did you get involved with children?” Zosi asked Fornax.
“Wenda Woodwife said it would facilitate friendship,” Fornax said. “She was right.”
“Wenda! I know her. She loves children.”
“She does,” Astrid agreed.
Zosi shook her head again. “Then I guess I have to believe you, Demoness. I apologize for speaking unkindly of you.”
“No need,” Fo
rnax said. “We were on opposite sides then.”
“But do they allow you to change things in Xanth, now?”
“No. I will be put on Demon Trial if I interfere.”
“Then how can you help Astrid or the children?”
“I don’t. I merely observe, and sometimes make incidental remarks.”
“They can’t prove anything more,” Santo said.
Zosi nodded, understanding. “I am glad to have had your visit, Astrid, Santo, Fornax, and I’m sure Plato is glad to see another child.”
“Yeah, he makes great holes,” Plato said enthusiastically. “See, here’s one he made me from golf course junk.” He held up a big numeral one with a hole through it. “A hole-in-one. They really like those in Mundania, for some reason.”
“I’m sure they do,” Zosi agreed, looking slightly pained by the pun.
“I think we have to be moving on,” Astrid said. “We have marriages and adoptions to perform, and portraits to be painted.”
“You said all this is to save Xanth from destruction,” Zosi said. “I don’t follow that.”
“It’s a prophecy,” Astrid explained. “Xanth will be destroyed in fifty years, but if we can get the five children adopted and painted, then it will be saved.”
“That is a worthy cause,” Zosi agreed. “I hope you succeed. It would be awkward for us all if Xanth perished.”
They all laughed at that. The tension dissipated.
“I will show you to the River Styx,” Zosi said. “Charon, who poles the raft across, can be balky, but he’ll generally settle for a kiss and feel from a pretty woman.”
“I thought he was married,” Astrid said.
“He is.”
“Then what’s he doing imposing on other women? That’s not supposed to happen in Xanth.”
“This isn’t Xanth.”
“Oh.” Even the children smiled at Astrid’s discomfort.
“There’s no Adult Conspiracy here, either,” Zosi said. “So brace yourself when we walk the path to the river.”
“Something’s on the path?”
“Off the path. The demons of Hades know the path is enchanted, so they can’t reach you no matter how horribly they threaten. So they try to lure you off the path, and they’ll use anything they think might work. You have to ignore them.”
Five Portraits Page 31