by Zeia Jameson
I feel so selfish.
I cry harder. I don’t know what to do now. I can’t fix what’s broke. I have no idea how. I’m not even sure what’s broke to fix. I finish up Amelia’s bath and I take her into her room to dress her. Then, I decide that we’ll stay in her room to play. I don’t want to go out into the living room right now.
The mixture of anger and guilt is a dangerous combination because it leads to a feeling of helplessness. And helplessness isn’t a feeling I’d wish on my own worst enemy.
“Knock, knock.” It’s Jeremy. The door is open but I get a sense that he wanted to make his presence known without startling me. He comes in, picks up Amelia and sits down in the rocking chair in the corner and places her on his lap. She has a teething toy clutched in both of her hands and in her mouth. She’s gnawing away happily, trying to ease the pain of new teeth cutting through. Today should be a victory for me because I finally got Amelia to use a teething toy. But there will be no celebrating today, at least not right now.
Jeremy looks at me. “Livy, I have to go. And I hate that you don’t understand that I have to do this. What you said to me in the kitchen really stung. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have to go do this. I have to. It really upsets me that you feel the way you do. And I don’t know what to say right now because I don’t want to fight with you. It kills me to think that you don’t think I care about you or Amelia. You are all I think about. Maybe I just haven’t told you that enough. I don’t know. But I am hoping that when I get back on Tuesday, we can talk about this some more.” I look up at him but I don’t respond. He’s hugging Amelia and giving her kisses, saying he’ll miss her.
He’s playing this cool and calm. And maybe it is because he doesn’t want to start up another argument, but his demeanor is coming off as smug. Like I’m the one that just turned into a hurricane and he’s the one that’s keeping it all together in the eye of the storm.
He puts Amelia back down onto the floor and she resumes playing. He leans down and kisses me on top of the head and then ruffles my hair slightly as if he’s consoling a child. He’s treating me like a child.
“I love you,” he says. “I’ll be back on Tuesday.”
Still looking up at him, I say flatly, “I love you too, Jeremy. Have a safe trip.”
If this is his way of trying to diffuse a situation, then he has no idea how nuclear I am.
***
30
Jeremy
I have no idea what just happened. My wife just went bat shit crazy on me. I mean, I figured she’d be disappointed that I had to cancel our plans but…fuck! She went way out in left field.
She wants to leave me?
I thought we were happy. I thought she was happy. She has never once complained to me about having to take care of Amelia full time. She has never once given me any indication that me working this much has had an effect on her. I mean, fuck, she is right. I am never there. But I’m never there now so that I can get this set in stone and I can be there later when it matters more. When Amelia can actually remember who I am and I can be there for her first day of school and for plays and t-ball or ballet or whatever she wants to be a part of. Yes, I missed them both like crazy and I knew Amelia was growing fast, but it never even dawned on me that I was missing her first smile or tooth or whatever the hell Livy was fussing at me about.
I feel like such a dick.
And Livy yelled. Granted only for a split second but she made me swear that we would never, ever do that in front of Amelia. She broke her own code.
And she says she wants to leave me.
What the fuck?
My heart hurts so much. If she really meant all of those things, then she is really hurting. And, I had no clue.
Because I’m never there.
And she has no clue that I’ve been busting my ass and micromanaging everything with plans to turn leadership over to one of my site supervisors. My plans are to pull back eventually and let the business run itself. But she doesn’t know that because I’ve never told her.
Because I’m never there.
Goddammit, I feel like such an asshole.
But why didn’t she just tell me? Why didn’t she just say, “Hey, Jeremy, come home please.”
Because she’s Livy, you idiot, that’s why.
This is what Livy does. She keeps it to herself and toughs it out. Except this time she couldn’t take it anymore. The trip to Chicago made her snap. And now I’m sitting at the airport waiting to board a fucking flight to a meeting I don’t want to go to and all I want to do is hold my wife and tell her I love her.
She thinks I broke my promise to her. I promised her I’d make her happy and that everything would be ok. And up until an hour ago, I thought I was still keeping that promise. But Livy doesn’t think so. And knowing that makes my chest physically ache. I feel like I’ve been stabbed. She is unhappy and she thinks I’m neglecting Amelia. I put my elbows to my knees and my head into my hands.
The plane isn’t boarding for another twenty minutes. I try to call Livy. No answer. I leave a voicemail. “Livy, I love you. I am so sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. I am an idiot. I will try to call you again later. I’ll be home Tuesday and we will figure this all out.” I hang up and then scroll through my contacts to find and dial the number of the one person that can help me make heads or tails of this.
“Hey, my sweet baby boy. How are you?”
“Mom. Livy says she wants to leave me. I don’t know what to do.”
***
31
Livy
Tuesday
I missed the call from Jeremy Saturday night because I was trying to get Amelia to sleep. When I heard his voicemail, it was only then I started to calm down. He apologized and called himself an idiot. I could hear sincerity in his voice, even in a message. He had no idea I was unhappy because I put up a front. It was a front that normally he could see through when no one else could. But maybe he’d been so busy at work that my front had even worked on him. Or maybe I was trying so hard to be the strong, loving housewife that my front was just that good. He had no clue I was unhappy. But that does not disregard the fact that he’s still never here for Amelia. I can’t imagine any justification he could provide that would be good enough to excuse him not being here for her.
However, hearing him on that voicemail made me believe that he had a reason he thought was good enough.
Did I overreact?
Probably.
Is there something going on in his mind that he has failed to share with me?
Also, probably.
It’s Tuesday. Jeremy says he’ll be home for dinner. I’ll cook us something comforting. We’ll have a drink after dinner and we’ll talk. We’ll fix this. I’m confident that we can fix this.
Rosalie called me while Amelia and I were shopping for groceries. It’s the fourth time she’s called me since Saturday. The first time, I ignored it completely. The second time, I answered, but pretended I was busy so I could get off the phone. The third time, I legitimately missed the call because I was feeding Amelia.
I answer the phone hoping that being in public will somehow assist me in keeping the conversation short. I know Jeremy has told her about our fight. I figured that out after the first missed phone call when she left me a message that said “Livy, sweet girl, please give me a call. I miss that baby girl so much and if you need some time to yourself, I just want you to know I am more than happy to come over and have a play date with Amelia.”
Yeah, real subtle, Rosalie.
I hit the answer button on my phone screen. “Hi, Rosalie.”
“Hi, sweet girl, how are you?” Her words are very syrupy.
“I’m ok. Just doing a little shopping for dinner. I’m making chicken parmesan for Jeremy tonight.”
“Oh, that is his favorite!” she exclaims.
“Indeed, it is,” I respond.
“What time do you expect Jeremy home, hun?” Rosalie asks.
“No
t quite sure. He just said he’d be home for dinner. I’m just going to have everything prepped and then cook it when he gets home.”
“Sounds like a lovely plan, hun. So, I know you two haven’t spent a lot of...grown up time with each other in a while. What would you think about bringing Amelia over here to stay the night? I would love to have a sleep over with her. That way, you and Jeremy could have some...quiet time.”
Her sugary words are giving me a toothache. As much as I want to take her up on her offer, I feel like she and Jeremy have come up with some plan behind my back and she’s going to hold Amelia hostage until I sort things out with Jeremy.
“Thanks, Rosalie, but maybe another night this week. I know Jeremy really misses Amelia and I’m sure he’d like to spend a little time with her.”
Rosalie doesn’t respond for some time. “Rosalie, are you there?”
“Yes, hun. Of course, that makes perfect sense. Another night, then. Soon, I hope.”
“Yes, that sounds great. I would love to have a quiet evening with Jeremy very soon.”
“Lovely,” she says, as if she is trying to come up with something else to say. Before she can, I say, “Rosalie, I am in the checkout line, about to pay. I need to go. I will call you later, Ok?”
“Absolutely, sweet girl. Talk to you soon.”
Situation averted.
That was three hours ago. Now, I’m at home, waiting for Jeremy to arrive. I’ve got all of the ingredients for dinner prepped. All that needs to happen now is for him to walk through that door.
Or for him to call and tell me where he is.
It’s 6:30 for crying out loud. What time does he think we eat dinner around here?
Calm down ,Livy.
Just when I pick up the phone to call him, my phone rings. It’s Jeremy. Fantastic! He must be on his way.
“Hey, babe,” I answer.
“Hey, Livy.” He doesn’t sound enthused.
“What’s wrong, Jeremy?”
Silence
“Jeremy?”
“Livy, I’m not going to be home tonight. I am only calling you just now because at first I thought I’d be able to just get a later flight. But it’s already 6:30, your time, so I just wanted to call and tell you I won’t be home until tomorrow. The architect liked our pitch and decided to go ahead and hire us. They drew up the paper work this morning and we were supposed to sign it before lunch and head out. However, there was some wording in the documents that needed to be adjusted and they are just now sending those back over to us to revise. We’ll probably be here another hour before we’re done, so we just now decided to stay the night.”
All I see is red. I want to throw my phone across the room or drop it on the ground and stomp on it a few times.
“That is great, babe. Congratulations.” I try to have some excitement in my voice. I mean I am happy for him. I guess.
“Thank you. Look, are you upset? I am really sorry. My flight leaves at nine in the morning and I’m not even going into the office when I land. I’m coming straight to you. I know we have so much to talk about, but when they offered to accept our bid, I had to jump on it. I couldn’t hesitate.”
“It’s fine, Jeremy. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Ok. I love you.”
“I love you.”
I hang up. The chicken parm is ruined. It won’t last in the fridge another day. I take it out of the fridge and toss it in the garbage, baking dish and all.
Fuck. This. Shit.
I look over at Amelia who is gumming some fruity, puffy snack in her high chair. She smiles at me. I kiss her on her forehead. “Stay right here. I’ll be right back.” I head into her room and grab her diaper bag. I start filling it with clothes, diapers, butt cream, and anything else I can think of for an extended trip. I go back into the living room and check on her. Still good. I go back into her room and fill another bag full of toys and I grab her pack-n-play. I take that into the living room. Eyes on Amelia. Still good. I go into my own room and very quickly pack a bag for myself. Back into the living room. Amelia. Check.
In the kitchen, I grab food for her. Bottles, a spoon, plate and anything else I deem essential.
I grab Amelia, head down stairs to the lobby of the complex. Grab a loading cart. Head back upstairs. Set Amelia on the floor to play while I load the cart. Grab her and drag the cart back downstairs to my car. Secure Amelia in the car seat and load up the car.
This may be a knee jerk reaction, but I have to leave. I cannot stay here for one more second.
~~~
I knock on Rosalie’s door, Amelia resting on my hip. If she refuses me, I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t just go back home.
The door knob turns and I stand up straight. I have to convince her to help me. Any other outcome is not an option.
“Livy! My sweet girl! You decided to bring Amelia! When is Jeremy getting in?”
“He’s not. Rosalie, can I come in?”
The smile on Rosalie’s face disappears. “Of course.” She steps aside and motions for us to come in with her arm.
I head to the dining room and sit Amelia in the high chair Rosalie has for her. I need to keep her in one spot while I explain to Rosalie what I’m about to do.
“Livy, you look quite upset. What is wrong, love?”
I turn to her and stare her directly in the eye. For a moment I don’t respond. I’m not sure I can go through with this.
But if you don’t, nothing will ever change.
I stiffen my resolve. I have to do this.
“Rosalie, Jeremy isn’t coming home until tomorrow. He called and said something about a deal he’s making. I don’t know. He is supposed to be back tomorrow.”
“Oh, you poor dear,” Rosalie interrupts and she moves in for a hug. I hold up my hand for her to stop. If she hugs me I won’t be able to go through with this.
“Will you please watch Amelia for me until he gets home tomorrow?”
“Absolutely, love. Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, but I have to leave. I have to go. I cannot sit in that apartment one more day and watch Amelia grow up without her father. I can’t sit at home wondering when the next time I’m going to see my husband will be. I didn’t sign up to be a single parent. I refuse to let this be my life. I am miserable. And I’ve tried to keep that misery at bay so it doesn’t rub off on Amelia, but I know that if I don’t do something, it will eventually and we’ll just be two miserable peas in one lonely pod.”
I exhale. Rosalie has a stone face, but there are tears falling from both of her eyes. She remains silent as if she is anticipating that I have more to say.
“I have to leave. I don’t know where I am going to go, but I have to leave. But, please know, that I’m not leaving forever. I just need a break. I need a break, Rosalie. I have to go or I am going to crack and I don’t know what that will look like. I’m terrified. I have to go.” The last four words are barely audible and now there are tears falling from my eyes.
Before I can defend, Rosalie rushes in for the hug. “My poor, sweet girl. I wish you would have told me sooner. I could have helped you with Amelia.”
I pull back. “I don’t need your help, Rosalie. I need my husband to make good on his promises. He convinced me that marriage and a child were good things. And don’t get me wrong, Amelia is a good thing. She is a wonderful thing. She is precious and I love her more than I thought I could love anything. But, I came into this accord thinking I wouldn’t be doing this alone. This is so hard, Rosalie. It’s so hard and there is no end in sight as to when it’s going to get easier.”
“Livy, being a mother is hard. So hard. And you are absolutely right it is very hard to do it alone. I cannot even imagine what it would have been like to raise Jeremy alone at Amelia’s age. It was hard enough as it was when he was five. Just please, don’t give up on Jeremy. Not yet. Please.”
“Rosalie, I’m not giving up. I just need to go away. I don’t know for how long but I have to go. And
when I come back, I don’t know where Jeremy and I will land, but I will say this, if he’s not willing to put in the effort, to pull his weight, then why should I?”
Rosalie nods her head, more tears emerging. “I will watch Amelia until Jeremy comes home.” She puts her hands on my arms. “Jeremy is a good boy. Whatever he is doing, I know he’s not doing it to hurt you, Livy. He keeps his promises. Maybe he didn’t realize that he was breaking a promise.”
“Rosalie, look. I don’t want to have this conversation with you. I’m not going to stand here and tell you why I am upset with your son. I just want to go, ok? Please, just...” I turn my head and look down at Amelia. My heart aches because I’ve gotten myself into a situation that has escalated to a point where I feel like I have to leave my daughter behind. “Just…have some fun with Amelia,” I whisper. “Jeremy should be home tomorrow and I will be back...later. I have my cell if there is an emergency. And please only call if there is an emergency.” I look back at Rosalie, “And tell Jeremy the same. I don’t want to spend time with either of you on the phone while you try to convince me to come home. I know you two.” And now I put my hands on Rosalie’s arms, “I just need a break, ok? I need to go. I will be back. I promise. Ok?”
Rosalie hugs me again, very tightly. “Ok, sweet girl. I know you will be back. Jeremy and I will leave you to yourself. I promise. Please be safe, whatever you do.”
“I will.” I turn to pick up Amelia. I hug her tight and give her a thousand kisses. “I love you, baby girl. Have fun with Nana, ok. I’ll be back soon.” The last words come out choked behind a sob. I don’t want to leave her but in the pit of my stomach and in the depths of the chambers of my heart, I know that I have to. I hand Amelia over to Rosalie and give her one final kiss on the forehead. I look at Rosalie. “Thank you, Rosalie. Thank you.”