Help Me!

by Marianne Power

  This felt ridiculous, obviously. But also quite nice. I mean – who doesn’t like a little get-rich daydream?

  Next I downloaded a blank cheque from ‘the Universe’ that I found on the Secret website. You just fill out the amount you want and then that amount will magically come to you in real life.

  As it chugged out of the printer, I debated how much to ask for. The book says, ‘It is as easy to manifest one dollar as it is to manifest one million dollars,’ but I didn’t want the Universe to think I was greedy. Nor did I want to miss my opportunity. I decided on £100,000. The number scared me. ‘Who do you think you are?’ thoughts came into my head but still I wrote the six figures in the box and filled it out in my name. I looked at it and for a second I felt a flutter of excitement. Imagine if it was true . . .

  Rhonda says I needed to believe it was going to happen and to ‘feel the feelings of having that money now’.

  She also says that for the next thirty days I should look at everything I wanted to buy and say, ‘I can afford that! I can buy that!’ I went on Net-a-Porter and had a browse. Did you know that jeans could cost £300? Me neither, but they can. And according to The Secret, I could afford them. So I pictured myself in a pair of high-waisted Victoria Beckham jeans and a floral blouse . . . Then just for fun I visualized myself being skinny in these over-priced jeans.

  Visualization is important because ‘When you are visualizing, you are emitting a powerful frequency. The law of attraction will take hold of that powerful signal and return those pictures back to you, just as you saw them in your mind.’

  And to make sure the Universe gets the message, The Secret suggests I also doctor my bank statements to let them show the amount of money I wanted rather than the reality of what I had. I took out one statement that informed me that my account was minus £1,238.00 and changed it to plus and Tippexed out the point so that it read £12,380.

  By the end of the day I still hadn’t finished the piece that could have actually earned me some real money but I had picked out a fantasy wardrobe for my fantasy life. I did not check my real bank balances. I figured it would lower my frequency.

  It was just a week after my financial reality check and already I was going back into La-La Land.

  As if she could sense the slippery slope I was on, my mum rang.

  ‘I’ve just written a cheque to myself for £100,000,’ I told her.

  ‘What?’

  ‘The book I’m doing this month says you should write yourself a pretend cheque and imagine it coming to you, and that if you believe it will come, the money will appear.’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake.’

  ‘I know, it’s silly.’

  ‘We all have a genie in a bottle, do we?’

  ‘Yes! Actually The Secret says that in the original story Aladdin didn’t get just three wishes, he got unlimited amounts.’

  ‘Right, so when is this money going to land?’

  ‘Rhonda says our dreams only come true if we really believe – and if they don’t come true it’s because I don’t believe.’

  ‘That’s convenient,’ said Mum.

  ‘And she says that “time is just an illusion”.’

  ‘I bet she does.’

  Silence on the line.

  ‘You don’t really believe this, do you?’ she asked, after a long pause.

  ‘No, not really but loads of people swear by it. And maybe it’s good to think positively instead of always imagining the worst. Who knows, maybe I will write a bestselling book, earn millions and move to an LA beach house? Then you’d want to come and visit, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘Do they have earthquakes in LA?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well, at least when you get too big for your boots you’ll be able to afford new ones . . . You could celebrate by getting your roots done. Or get your teeth sorted.’

  I didn’t know which was better – Mum’s cynicism or The Secret’s magical thinking. But I knew which one was more fun.

  That night I fell asleep watching a YouTube clip of young Jim Carrey being interviewed by Oprah. He was talking about writing himself a cheque for $10 million when he was a broke actor. He put it in his wallet and a few years later he was paid $10 million for the movie Dumb and Dumber . . . And I know it sounds nuts but as I watched it I thought, why not? Why shouldn’t something like that happen to me? To all of us? I mean – what makes people who achieve different to the rest of us except that they believed that they could do more? What’s that Henry Ford quote? Something along the lines of ‘Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re probably right.’

  I thought about how nice it would feel to be out of debt, to have £100,000 in the bank, to have my own flat and a sense of security. I could take a plane anywhere, to see my sister in New York, or to see my friend in Spain . . . I’d be a really nice rich person. I’d give to charity and be very down to earth despite my fabulous wealth . . .

  When I was at school our gym teacher had an old Mercedes sports car in blue. I loved it and have always wanted one. The Secret says that if you have a dream car you must take it for a test run just to help you believe that it’s yours. After my night listening to Jim Carrey I was willing to believe there might be something in it.

  I found a garage in East Finchley that had one for sale and asked Sarah if she wanted to come. We met at the station.

  ‘It feels like I haven’t seen you for ages,’ she said.

  ‘I know, I’m sorry, it’s been hectic.’

  ‘How’s it going? Are you feeling new and improved?’

  ‘I don’t know. I scared myself witless in January and cried over bank statements in February – but it’s been good. More full-on than I was expecting but definitely not boring.’

  ‘So what does The Secret say?’

  ‘It says we can have anything we want in life if we just believe.’

  ‘I think that’s true.’

  ‘Do you?’ I was delighted. I was now hungry for proof.

  ‘Yeah, I think if you set your mind to things, make a plan and work hard – you can do anything.’

  ‘The book isn’t about working or making a plan, it just says you have to decide what you want, believe it’s going to happen and then the Universe magically delivers it to you.’

  ‘So you don’t do anything at all?’

  ‘There is one reference to the fact that you might have to take “inspired action” but they reckon this doesn’t feel like work – it feels “joyous” – so no, the idea is that it just comes to you.’

  ‘So if I want a big house in Hampstead I just sit there and imagine it?’

  ‘You don’t just imagine it, you have to believe it’s already yours. If you don’t believe, it’s not going to happen.’

  ‘How can I believe that a house that’s not mine is mine?’

  ‘I don’t know, you just do. You have to have faith.’

  ‘And I can just sit at home waiting to win the lottery, can I?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I don’t even have to buy a ticket.’

  ‘Well, you might be inspired to joyously buy a ticket . . .’

  ‘And what happens when I don’t win the lottery?’

  ‘That’s because you didn’t really believe it was going to happen; therefore it didn’t.’

  ‘That’s bullshit.’

  Even though I knew Sarah was right, I felt defensive.

  ‘I can just ask for bigger boobs, can I?’ she continued. ‘And what happens when bad things happen? Everyone in Syria asked to be in a war zone, did they? Those people in concentration camps just weren’t thinking positively enough?’

  ‘That’s kind of what the book implies,’ I admitted. Actually it says: ‘Imperfect thoughts are the cause of all humanity’s ills, including disease, poverty, and unhappiness.’

  ‘That’s disgusting.’

  ‘I know.’

  We walked in silence until she repeated the question that Mum had asked: ‘You don’t reall
y believe in this stuff, do you?’

  ‘No.’ And I didn’t. Not really. Just a bit. Maybe. Oh, I don’t know.

  We got to the garage, a 1980s temple of chrome, glass and black leather sofas.

  Gary, the salesman, walked us to the showroom, where the sky-blue Mercedes was parked. I asked him how many miles were on the clock, just to be convincing. He gave me a number and I had no idea whether it was high or low but he assured me it was ‘Very rare for a car this age.’

  I nodded as if I knew what he was talking about. I felt bad. I was wasting Gary’s time. I guessed he was on commission.

  ‘I’m afraid you can’t take it out today, but would you like to get in and see how it feels?’ he said.

  Sarah and I got into the car, while trying to keep a straight face. It felt like being fifteen and getting served in the pub.

  The door was reassuringly heavy and the cream leather interior reassuringly soft.

  ‘Ooh, this is nice,’ said Sarah, stroking the mahogany dashboard.

  I put my hands on the steering wheel. It did feel nice. Very nice.

  I moved the wheel around like I did when I was a child, then I stopped in case Gary saw me.

  ‘So do you believe the car is yours?’ asked Sarah.

  ‘Weirdly, yes. Why not?’ And I did. Sitting in that car, it felt like I was meant to be there, meant to be driving it.

  ‘Well, tell him you’ll take it, then,’ she said. ‘Write him one of those cheques from the Universe.’

  ‘Ha, ha,’ I said, sarcastically, as we got out of the car and made our excuses to Gary.

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ I said. ‘It’s really lovely, but I’m looking at another one next weekend.’

  I could feel myself going red.

  Sarah and I went for an Italian around the corner. We both ordered the cheapest thing on the menu – spaghetti with tomato sauce.

  ‘I’m broke,’ she said.

  ‘Me too, but we’re not allowed to say that. If you say you are broke then you are attracting more broke-ness to you,’ I replied.

  She rolled her eyes but I kept going: ‘The more positive you are the more good stuff happens, so we should be repeating affirmations like, “I’m a money magnet.”’

  ‘I’m a food magnet,’ said Sarah, taking a big bite of garlic bread. ‘I am eating everything in sight. I wish I could be one of those people who stops eating when they get stressed . . .’

  She started talking about how crazy work was and how her boss had buggered up her holiday.

  ‘She said she didn’t get my email asking for dates in June and now she’s booked those off, which means I can’t go.’

  ‘Maybe she didn’t see the email.’

  ‘I get a notification when messages have been opened.’

  ‘Maybe she opened it and then got busy and forgot to put it in the calendar.’

  ‘No. She does this kind of thing all the time . . .’

  The Secret says that you cannot talk negatively about anything. It says that you should not complain because if you are complaining the law of attraction will give you more things to complain about. You must, instead, replace negative thoughts with positive ones. You must think loving thoughts about everyone and be grateful for everything because that creates a vibration that attracts more good things. If you keep moaning about what you have now, you are giving off a signal of not enough and that’s what you’ll keep feeling.

  And if your friends start to complain you should change the subject or leave. But this was a problem. For years this is what all my friendships had been based on: moaning and drinking. But I was no longer allowed to moan. And, for once, I didn’t even want to. I thought about how much time I’d wasted complaining about things, getting angry and bitter with people.

  ‘I’m going to Camden to meet Steve and his friends; do you want to come?’ she asked.

  ‘No thanks, I think I’ll head back.’

  She looked hurt. Usually I’d have gone out and it would have been a four in the morning job.

  ‘Are you OK?’ she asked.

  ‘Yeah, fine.’

  I got the bus home.

  For the next few days I replayed my conversation with Sarah. Of course, she was right. This was all nuts. But then maybe it wasn’t . . . I mean, it was good to be positive, wasn’t it? And miracles happened all the time, didn’t they? And why did so many people love the book if there wasn’t something in it?

  I decided to investigate further by trying to get the body of a supermodel while eating carbs. Suckers go to the gym and eat well but people who know The Secret don’t bother with that. According to Rhonda: ‘Food cannot cause you to put on weight, unless you think it can.’ So if you want to lose weight, simple! Eat the Mars bars but think skinny thoughts.

  This is Rhonda’s three-step plan for weight loss:

  Ask: Visualize yourself at the weight you want to be. If it’s a weight from your past then take out an old picture and keep looking at it, otherwise find a picture of someone who is your perfect weight and look at that.

  Believe: Believe that you are that weight already. Write out the weight you want to be and put it on the scales, over the real number.

  Receive: Feel good about your weight now. Rhonda says: ‘Think perfect thoughts and the result must be perfect weight.’

  I dug out the dusty scales from the cupboard under the bathroom sink. I took off my jeans and shoes (every little helps) and stood on the grey plastic square. The dial hovered then settled on a number. 11 stone 9 pounds – I was more than half a stone heavier than the last time I’d stood on scales. This was why I didn’t weigh myself; it was too depressing. Fat and ugly thoughts started to flood my mind but I stopped myself.

  Think of Elle Macpherson’s legs. Imagine you have Kate Moss’s bum. Heidi Klum’s flat stomach . . .

  I went to my room and found the sticky white labels I’d used on my financial folders and put one on the plastic window of the scales. So how much did I want to weigh? Maybe lose two stone? I wrote ‘9 stone 9lb’ in blue marker.

  I looked at the scribble and felt worried for myself. The front door opened and Rachel shouted hello. I shoved the scales back into the cupboard so she couldn’t see what I’d done.

  ‘If we eat this and think thin thoughts it won’t make us fat,’ I said that night, eating risotto.

  ‘How does that work?’ she asked.

  ‘The Secret says that you only get fat by thinking fat thoughts, it has nothing to do with calories or cream or Parmesan.’

  I helped myself to some more cheesy risotto but Rachel said she’d had enough. She had an outdated approach to staying slim – she just didn’t eat too much. You could never sell a book on that.

  I looked up at a woman with perfect white teeth and brown hair, hair that was so straight and shiny that I knew that we could never be friends.

  ‘That book changed my life,’ she said. I was in Bread and Bean, working (looking at Facebook), and the book was out on the table.

  ‘Last year I broke up with an arsehole and a friend gave me it. I wrote a list of everything I wanted in a man. I forgot about it until I moved house and found it in the drawer. The guy I’m going out with now is everything I listed except one thing – he doesn’t dive! But he can learn.’

  Why did everyone have a story like this?

  ‘Are you single?’ she continued, clearly flouting all English rules about not talking to strangers.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Have you written down exactly what kind of boyfriend you want?’

  ‘No, but I’ve spent the last two days clearing space in my wardrobe and making sure I sleep on one side of the bed.’

  The Secret quotes a woman who, like me, was always single. This woman had done lots of visualization of what she wanted her ‘perfect partner’ to be like, but he wasn’t turning up. Then one day she came home and realized – duh! – the reason she was single was because her car was parked in the middle of the garage.

  ‘She realized
that her actions were contradicting what she wanted. If her car was in the middle of the garage there was no room for her perfect partner’s car!’ says Rhonda.

  So she not only moved her car, she cleared space in her wardrobe for her ‘perfect partner’s’ clothes and stopped sleeping in the middle of the bed, all to leave room for her ‘perfect partner’. Then she met the man of her dreams and lived happily ever after . . .

  Shiny-haired woman smiled. ‘Oh, I didn’t do any of that. I just wrote it all down – the man I wanted, the kind of house, the job, the travel . . . Then I did a Vision Board with pictures of things I wanted to attract. Have you done a Vision Board?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You should.’

  ‘Do you really believe this stuff works?’ I asked.

  ‘I know it does, but you have to believe,’ she said.

  ‘But how do you make yourself believe in something you don’t believe in?’

  ‘Fake it till you make it.’

  So that weekend I set about creating a Vision Board, which is basically a big pinboard or piece of card on which you stick pictures or words that depict your dream future. I was determined to take this seriously. I was going to suspend my disbelief and really put my heart into it. No more cynicism – otherwise known as reason.

  As I sat down with a pile of magazines and a pair of scissors, the first problem quickly became apparent. I did not know what I wanted from life beyond a vague idea about being skinnier, richer and more successful. I had never thought about what I wanted because: a) how was it going to happen, and b) who do you think you are?

  ‘Most of us have never allowed ourselves to want what we truly want because we cannot see how it’s going to manifest,’ writes Jack Canfield, author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, who is quoted in The Secret. To which Rhonda answers: ‘How it will happen, how the Universe will bring it to you, is not your concern or job. Allow the Universe to do it for you . . .’

  So if there were no obstacles – otherwise known as reality – what did I want?

  I decided to start off with a fancy house.

  John Assaraf, ‘metaphysician, marketing specialist and author’, says he cut out a picture of a giant mansion from a magazine for his Vision Board and five years later he found himself living in it – the exact house.