by Hazel Parker
Even when he was completely lost in me, he never clenched his hands too tight on me. I can still feel them there, but it was never too much than I could handle.
Jaxson does kiss me softly, and tenderly, like I’m his little flower, before he pulls away and the intensity in his gaze tells me everything that I need to know. I try to smile at him, but I’m too spent… too out of it.
But something flashes in his eyes and the good parts are gone. He hurries off me completely, and sits up on the edge of the bed.
“Fuck, I’m sorry Isabelle, I—”
“What? Don’t be sorry, Jaxson.” I sit up, filling with concern.
“I didn’t—I wasn’t thinking. Fuck.” He slashes his fingers through his hair and groans in frustration.
“Jaxon, I’m fine. I enjoyed that. All of it.”
He finally turns to look at me, slowly. His eyes soften before they go rough again.
“Come here and hold me.” I hold out my hand, hoping he will take it and forget about this guilt.
While I like being his sweet, innocent woman he makes me out to be, I still want him to be rough and be himself. Like he was. Because now looking back, it was fucking amazing.
“Look,” he reaches over and trails the pad of his fingers down my collarbone to my breast.
I look down, and a shade of red has taken over half my chest where his forearm was.
“It goes farther up, Isabelle.” His voice is void of anything but concern.
“When I say I’m fine Jaxson, I mean it. You didn’t come here to worry about me.” I tug his arm and he relents, sliding close to me on the bed and holding me too loosely.
“I’ll always worry about you, Isabelle.” He breathes into my ear. I nod once and turn to face him.
“I know.” I run my hand down his face. His skin is warm and he has stubble growing in.
The line of his jaw is hard and tense and I try to relax it.
“What was worrying you so much, that you came all the way over here?” I ask him.
He exhales like he hoped I didn’t ask that. He probably did. I roll over so I am half on his body, even my nakedness doesn’t distract him.
His body though, that distracts me.
His Adonis belt is so defined I could grab onto it, his abs are a perfect, hardened six pack, almost eight. His pecs are wide and nipples the same color as the head of his cock. God, he has a perfect cock. It’s massive, of course. I still feel the way it burned like I was losing my virginity all over again. His tip is a hard arrow shape, his shaft dark and marred with veins, and his thatch of hair is controlled and sparse, matching his happy trail under his belly button.
“Some shit with the club.”
“Like?” I grin softly, coaxing myself into his view.
He glances at me and I see his lips twitch with a smile too.
I giggle and he shifts to turn and face me.
“We might get shut down by the city.”
“Shut down? What the hell for?”
His features change before his face settles and he looks at me.
“Short story is we owe taxes. Long story is, someone who hates us found a way to shut us down legally, and the easiest way.”
“I thought the town was fine with y’all.”
“Some are. Most are.” He relents a sigh and it hurts me to see him like this. The club is everything to him, I can tell. I would never try to compete with it and I know that I can never replace it.
“But enough people don’t. The sheriff is on our side, but the Mayor isn’t. Neither are the people in the city offices, or some shit—Simon explains it better. Anyway they’re pissed that the cost of living is so low here, and think it’s just because there is an MC here. And that with us gone, they can attract more residents with us gone or disbanded.”
“That’s horrible, Jaxson. You have to deal with all this by yourself?” I ask in shock. Surely this can’t be on one man. Even the president of the US has everyone else doing all the work. Mostly.
“Nah, I have the other execs. But I’m the president. If shit goes down, then it’s like I did it. Couldn’t keep the club together, and it’s my own damned last name.” He clenches his jaw and his entire body tenses.
I reach over and rub my arm down his. “Jaxson, don’t think like that. Everyone knows all the good you’ve done, you’re an amazing leader to them.”
“It don’t feel like it sometimes.” He mutters.
“Shut up.” I say too quickly. Whenever Riley talks down on herself, I always say that. Or even my Mom.
He gives me a funny look, and some of his tight demeanor rolls away.
“Sorry, I just don’t want you talking down on yourself. It isn’t true.” I smile at him and kiss his cheek. It’s such a simple gesture, but it seems to go a long way because he relaxes and leans into me even more.
He turns and rubs the side of my hip, I keep my hand on his bicep and rub down his arm, occasionally tracing his tattoo. It’s easy to be in solitude with him, to be silent and hear each other breathe and move.
“I don’t know how the hell I’m going to raise damn near fifty grand before the first of the year.”
I literally stop breathing and he scoffs like ‘I told you so’. I look at him and make a face.
“That is a lot of money.” I agree.
“Yeah. And that may not be the end of it. If they want us out, I feel like they will win eventually.”
“Not if you show them who you really are. I’m sure you already have but… maybe you just have to keep doing it. I do that with my writing, sometimes. I tell myself all these bad things and read my old stuff to remind myself about it. You’re so hard on yourself.”
“It sounds like you are too.”
I giggle once, “Well that’s different.”
He sits up to look down at me. “How so?” the smile on his face and jest in his tone makes me smile wider.
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down to kiss me.
He grins against it and then deepens the kiss.
“Fuck Isabelle, I forgot I intruded on your night.” He moves to get up and I stop him.
“No, you didn’t. I worked all day and then I thought of calling you… but I knew you were at your Mom’s house.” I say.
Something flashes in his gaze again and he tries to roll it off. He drops down next to me again and sighs.
“What is it?”
“I think my brothers are hiding shit from me. Zeke and Matthew.”
“Do they usually do that?”
“No but… I just have a feeling.”
“You should talk to them, they’re your brothers after all.”
He nods. “You’re right.” He faces me fully and runs his thumb down my lips and up my cheek. “You’re the voice of reason in my life.”
That credit makes me smile. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything special. I’m just glad he is able to talk to me and can confide in me, even though he knows I know nothing about this kind of stuff. Club politics, city takedowns… I could read about it but I know nothing about it in real life.
I’m glad he can see that in me and still trusts me with his feelings. Though if he asked about me, I’m not sure I could ever be the same way…
“Can I ask you something?” he aske me after a while. I have moved to lay on his chest and prop my chin on my hands.
“Yeah,” I haven’t heard this tone in his voice before. Careful—he doesn’t ever talk to me carefully.
“Has no one ever eaten you out before?”
I flush beat red and cover my face in my hands immediately. “Oh my god,” I say with mortification.
He chuckles and it turns into a full on laugh. The sounds delights me and it takes my mind off my embarrassment.
“No… how did you know?” I ask carefully. I hope I didn’t do something utterly embarrassing.
“I had a feeling. You sounded very fucking confused. But you enjoyed it though, so at least there’s that.” He flashes a crooked grin a
nd I swoon immediately for it.
“Hmph. Well, yes I did.”
After a moment, I rise off him with a yawn. He gives me a look like he is keeping me up or something.
“I just want to shower.” I explain.
“Have I made you dirty?” his deep, monotone voice is back but I know it well now. I can tell when he is joking and it makes me smile.
I giggle once and feel myself blush more and that’s his response.
I get up, immodest, and walk to the bathroom attached to my room by a short hall, very short, I just dash inside. After I pee and turn on the water, Jaxson walks in and pins me with his dark, sexual gaze. He does it very well and too easily.
“Uh uh mister, I am way too sore.” I can admit when I am down.
As much as I would like to take his cock inside me again, I know my limits. I need to be able to walk around my class tomorrow and sit in workshop.
He grins and strokes his semi hard cock once. “You’re in luck, ‘cause I’m beat too.”
I smile and hop in the shower. The blue curtain hides most of everything, I hear him moving around as he uses the bathroom and then washes his hands. I cleanse my face and tie up my hair with a spare bow I keep in here all the time before he slips in behind me.
My heart patters when his arms slip around my waist and his cock hits my ass.
“Jaxson…”
“I know,” he kisses my neck. “Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the view though.”
THE WEEK SUCCESSFULLY PASSES. I text Jaxson all day, and every day. He tells me about his club meetings sometimes, but it’s vague, and I understand. This time I was firm on not seeing him though. I have to perfect my play and already have assignments to grade, just short reading quizzes. So I only call or text him, and that’s fine.
I just miss him.
His touch, his scent, his warmth… I have grown too used to it.
It was extreme toucher to have sex with him and then not see him for a while. It wasn’t even sex, it was real fucking and I never knew what that was before. All I know is that I want to have it again.
My mind drifts to the important stuff—sort of. My play was due by email Friday morning, so in afternoon workshop, the teacher hands them back. And I am floored by the first comment.
Did you write this in a day?
I make it through class, barely, until I run to the bathroom and cry for the first time in a while. It hurts more than anything I have felt in a while. I don’t understand why he would be so mean, the other workshop fellows are not even that mean. I think the professor just has something against me from the start.
I don’t know how to work through this kind of stuff, and I know for a fact Jaxson is busy, because he just told me he would be… and so I only call one other person who is my constant.
My hand goes to my phone as I sit in my car, to call my Mom.
15
ISABELLE
“You never call me this time of day, honey, what’s wrong?” Mom’s voice floods the updated Bluetooth, and I immediately relax.
This isn’t the first time I have been let down, or my writing has been critiqued. But for some reason, it just hit harder. It took time for me to even brave myself into writing what I did, let alone sharing it with everyone and later the workshop professor. He is an acclaimed writer, so of course his opinion matters more than anything. And I am really taking it to heart. Perhaps my period is coming up, or something.
“I know, I just wanted to talk to you. How are you?” I force some cheer into my voice.
“Oh I’m good honey, I took a day off to go to the spa.” She giggles. She has always been so light and free, despite all her struggles. She has been my inspiration for everything because she is also all that I have, most days.
“That’s good. Maybe I should do that soon.” I have a sudden urge to tell her all about Jaxson, too. Talking about him with Riley will be awkward now, since she has heard us fucking. Vividly. The next morning was mortifying. She waited for me in the kitchen, laughing when I appeared and mimicking everything I said. At some point she grabbed headphones, but even then—
“What’s wrong? You know I can hear it in your voice.”
I force a laugh, “What? Nothing.” All of a sudden, I don’t want to tell her anything about it now, it’s weird. I was ready to cry and whine, but it seems worthless now. Mom can’t rewrite the play for me, she can’t change John’s mind.
“Isabelle, I’m your mother.”
“I know.” I fiddle with a frayed string on my jeans, my yellow polish from last night has already chipped and my fingers shake. “I just got some feedback on my play and… it wasn’t good.”
“The one from last year?”
“No um, we had to write an original one as assignment this week. And the workshop went okay, but my teacher didn’t like it. At all. His first comment was asking if I had written it in a day.” I scoff. I almost roll my eyes, but it hurts more than that. I feel my pout coming on and shove it from my mind.
I know that all I can do is move forward and improve my work, at the possibility of him not liking that either. But at least I would have tried.
“Oh honey, you know those artsy people are subjective. He probably said the same thing to someone else. Plus, you always kept talking about how hard the program is, how advanced it is. So this will come with that.”
“You’re right.” I sigh. I did say that, over and over. I’m sure she memorized it word for word, and she’s right.
“So just work on it and see what happens. Besides, who the hell can write a good play in less than a week? That’s ridiculous.” She exclaims. I laugh once, finding it easy to smile. I feel lighter already.
“Apparently John can.”
She laughs once, “See, just do your best and that’s all you can do and love your work. It will be fine.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Of course. Now, to important stuff—”
I groan because I already know what she is going to say and she erupts in laughter.
“Have you found any hot Minnesota men up there?”
I giggle, “Um…” and trail off. I can’t lie to her. But I don’t know if I can tell her all about Jaxson. About how he’s in an MC and could possibly be a criminal of some sort but not really. Or about how he fucks like a delicious maniac. Mom is cool, but not that cool. At least I don’t think. Jason was very boring, it was easy to talk about him and how he had sex with his socks still on. But Jaxson… I won’t be able to hide how crazy I am about him. How much I think about him, and worry, and want to be with him.
“Fine, you don’t have to tell me. I will come to visit though, maybe you can make me a Thanksgiving dinner? You know I can’t cook.”
“Maybe, if I’m not doing something else with school or something. You know I don’t get real holiday breaks like in undergrad.”
She sighs, “Yes, I know.”
I talk with her about a few other things before I let her go back to her spa day or whatever she was doing. I feel better than I was when I busted out of the building. I almost wish I could go back to ask John what he was talking about, but he is probably gone and probably doesn’t want to hear from me anyway.
Instead I start up the engine and take off for a much-needed trip to the grocery store. We are low on food, and house supplies like paper towels and such. It’s one of those local shops since there aren’t many chains here in town. I recognize the road, it’s close to the MC, and I feel close to Jaxson. I know he is busy though, and I don’t want to be clingy. Part of me thinks he might not mind, but it’s still good to keep my distance.
I feel like I always do that. He’s asked me about my dad when we talk on the phone, but I avoid it. And my relationships in the past. He has been open about his. He has just never been in one, his body count isn’t over the top but he has one. And he has also been through some stuff with the club, which is fine. He is honest with me, and I know I have to return the favor.
I am looking at pre pack
aged flowers when a bad feeling clouds over me.
“How about I buy those sweets for you, little miss?” the voice is hard, and deep; but not like Jaxson’s. It has a roughness to it that sends hot chills down my spine.
“No thank you.” I mutter back, sliding down the aisle. I grip my purse tightly where it rests on the shopping cart. My palms turn a hot sweaty mess, but I tighten them on the handle.
“Come on. Or let me buy you dinner—maybe go straight to dessert?” he puts his hand on my shoulder and I whip around, his face is nice, sure, but there is evil in his eyes that boils under my skin.
“I said no thank you.”
“You got a boyfriend or something?”
“Yes, in fact I do.” Of course I haven’t confirmed that fact, but he doesn’t know that. I’ll say I’m fucking married to get this guy off my tail.
He flashes a crooked smile, his eyes roaming down my body. He has a build to him, but not like Jaxson or any of the other guys at the club. He is dressed in jeans and a gray hoodie, and he looks like a regular guy except for a fading bruise on his jaw. Maybe he is a boxer or ran into a wall. I don’t know.
“I can take him, or he doesn’t have to know.”
I scoff, suddenly able to stand up to him, my hands dry and my heart calms down. I wish someone would walk down the aisle, but apparently no one wants pre-packaged desserts.
“Jaxson Kinsmen isn’t the kind of guy you take.” I say with confidence. Because, it’s true. I’ve seen him drag two men out of the club, I have seen him drag me out of the club.
I get out of my own head and watch the guy’s expression. It goes from creepy and leering to… to scared. His blue eyes widen and then he takes a step back.
“Shit. I’m sorry, miss—I didn’t know.”
I try not to show my confusion, so it doesn’t let him off. I keep my face in a frown and stare him down. he swallows and opens and closes his mouth a few times. He raises his hand in defense and backs away.
“Look don’t mention this to him, alright? It was a mistake.” He looks at me one last time and doesn’t wait for me to agree before he runs off.
I let out a hard breath, running my hand across my forehead as I calm my breathing.