by Ruby Dixon
Or is it something even worse? Has S'bren decided that I'm too much effort and the best way for him to guard my heart is to practice sex with me so he can be great at it with another woman?
I admit to myself that the last idea is a bit far-fetched, but it's also hard to figure out what some of these aliens think. They just don't think like human men. After all, if a human guy drugged my tea, I'd have gone straight to the police. But S'bren did it with zero maliciousness, and he was so devastated when he realized he'd done wrong that it makes me almost feel bad for him…which is silly. I'm the victim.
So when I think of stuff like that, I don't know what to think of his turnabout. Of him suggesting that we have sex. Not sex officially, I suppose, but fool around. In the past, I was wary of taking anything from S'bren because it felt as if I was basically offering to be his woman. Now that I know him a bit better…okay, it still feels a lot like that.
But the way he said this, oh so casual, just volunteering to “prove” himself to me, made it sound like it wasn't even on the table. Like we're just doing it to pass the time.
Maybe that's why I'm obsessively overthinking things. Because not only does it not match S'bren, it also hurts my feelings a little.
Doesn't he want me for keeps anymore?
I'm in a tailspin. I know I am. I'm just so afraid of fucking things up. There's no cootie resonating and guiding me and saying “Yes, this man is the one for you” and my track record is terrible. I've always been all-in with relationships. I love the idea of being in love, but in the past, I've always been the one that loved more in the relationship. I've always been the giver, the pursuer, the one that changes to try and please the partner. Every single time, it's ended disastrously.
I think about my Vegas wedding. How happy I'd been when I woke up and saw the cheap ring on my finger. I was finally someone's forever. I was someone's number one. Their soulmate. Their love. And it wasn't reciprocated.
A horrible thought occurs to me as I sit by the fire and poke at the coals while S'bren butchers a kill.
What if I'm the problem in all my relationships? I always thought I was pretty good at sex, but what if I'm terrible at it? What if my clinginess and “Good Time Penny” mentality doesn't extend to the bedroom and I'm disappointing all my lovers?
Annnnd now I'm second-guessing myself. "Ugh."
"Eh?" S'bren looks up from the kill he's dressing.
"Nothing." I guess I said that out loud. I poke at the fire again, and then change my mind. "Actually, we need to talk."
A wary look crosses his face. "What is it you wish to speak of?"
"I need to know why you offered to prove yourself to me." I set my stick down and hug my knees, because it's either that or I start pacing like a crazy woman.
S'bren pauses, and then goes back to cutting the animal meat—a hopper—free from the skin. "It is a custom with Tall Horn clan—"
"No, no. I mean, after all this time, why now?" I shake my head. "You've been saying for so long that you wanted to keep my heart safe and now you want to prove yourself on me? To prove that you're a good lover? What am I supposed to think?"
He's silent, continuing to work on the meat, and that doesn't make me feel better.
"S'bren, please. Don't lie to me and don't ignore me, okay? You've got me all turned around and I don't know what to think."
The big hunter thinks for a moment, and then washes his hands in a nearby water bowl, then wipes them on an old, soft skin. "It is because I am selfish." There's a look of guilt on his broad features.
That's not the answer I was expecting. "Selfish?"
"I have decided that I do not want you to save your heart for another. I want it for myself." His expression changes to one of stubbornness. "And your past pleasure mates were not good to you. I want to be the one that pleases you. I want you to come to me when you want kisses and for your cunt to be tasted. I want to wake up with you on my tongue and my hand between your thighs. I want P'nee for myself, not for anyone else. So I offered to prove myself to you as a pleasure mate. And I am selfish because I dream of tasting your cunt like I did your mouth, and I want this for myself, too."
I can feel myself blushing at his honest admission. Well…I did ask for the truth. That was a whole lotta truth. "Oh."
"This is bad?" he asks when I remain quiet for a long moment, trying to process. "You asked for me to explain. I explained."
I shake my head. "It's not bad. I just…I'm scared."
"Of resonance?" S'bren looks over at me, wiping his hands on the fur again. "Resonance might happen a full turn of the moon from now or it might never happen. I have decided we should not live in fear of such a thing, not if you want S'bren in your furs. I just need to know from you if I have a chance…or if I should go on protecting your heart for you. Whatever you wish, I will do." He pauses for a moment, and then adds, "But I like one idea more than the other, if I am deciding."
I smother a hysterical giggle. Of course he likes one idea more than the other. I do, too. I like the thought of having sex with him. Of kissing and cuddling and learning each other. "So it would be sex, then?"
"If all you want is for me to lick your cunt as a pleasure mate, I am happy to do just that, too," he admits.
Now I'm really blushing. Free oral? What woman in her right mind would turn that down? But I know why he's offering—it's what I offered to him, of course. I told him that we could just have fun. I press a hand to my forehead, because I feel like I've fucked this all up. "S'bren, you should know some stuff about me before we both decide if we're going to get involved."
"There is nothing you can say to me that would change my mind." He is so clear, so positive, that it makes me ache. In his eyes, this is simple. He likes me and therefore he wants me, end of story.
"I want to be with you," I admit. "I've been thinking about it constantly ever since we kissed. You make me feel wonderful." God, how nice would it be to be with a guy that treated me like gold? That looked at me adoringly after we hooked up? That wasn't just interested in a quick bang and then went on to greener pastures? "But I don't have a good track record with men."
"Track…record? You are not good at tracking?" His face is the picture of confusion. "I can help you learn."
I facepalm. "No. I mean, I have a history with human men. I'm not a virgin, just so you know. I should probably put that out there. I'm not anywhere close to a virgin."
"I have never been with another. I do not want another. All I want is you, P'nee."
S'bren says the words so reverently my heart aches.
"But I'm worried you won't want me after we have sex. No one ever does. That's another reason why I want resonance. Because then they can't run away from me afterwards."
His expression turns thunderous. "Human males ran away from you after you took them into your furs?"
I chew on my lip, hugging my knees even tighter. God, I feel so vulnerable right now. It's hard to talk about this stuff. Even the words feel as if they're creeping tightly from my throat, and I want nothing more than to shove them back down. "Not exactly. See, I always attract guys that are a certain type, I guess. They'd give me attention and I'd respond. And we'd flirt and have fun, go on a few dates, and he'd make it clear what he wanted from me. The problem is, I was looking for love and a relationship, and they were just looking for a quick hookup. After we had sex, they'd find excuses to break up with me or they'd blow me off. Or they'd want to hook up again, but with no relationship. Just friends with benefits, right? And I pretended to be okay with that, because what else could I do? I wanted one of them to change their minds and look at me and think, wow, Penny is amazing. She's a fun chick and she's fun to be with and maybe she's the one for me. But no one ever did." I clench my jaw, because I'm determined not to cry over past douchebags. I'm done with that sort of thing. "But I really, really want to be someone's forever. I'm tired of just being someone's 'right now.' Do you understand?" I press my hands to my heart, over my silent, silent cootie. "T
hat's why I love the thought of resonance and want it so badly. I want to be that perfect ONE for someone. I want to be their soulmate. I want them to look at me and realize 'Oh, Penny is that special someone I've been waiting for all along.'"
S'bren is silent as I babble, his expression impossible to read.
I don't know what to make of his silence. All I know is that my heart feels as if it's being squeezed in a vise and I want him so desperately to tell me that I'm worth fighting for. That I'm worth all the effort and the hemming and hawing. That he's not giving up on me just yet.
Instead, he gets to his feet.
"Um…are you going somewhere?" I ask as he crosses the cave. "I thought we were talking."
He picks up a length of fur from the cave's supplies, studies it, and then approaches me and settles it over my head, hiding my gaze and completely covering my face.
I sputter, laughing. "What are you doing?"
"I am going to wed-hing you when we get back to the tribe."
I jerk the fur off my head, gaping at him. "You what?"
S'bren gestures at the fur. "You cover your head. We will do the ceremony when we get back to your people. I will show you that I take no other to be my mate, pleasure or otherwise. You are my P'nee and I want no one else. So I will wed-hing you."
My mouth hangs open.
S'bren, ever thoughtful, pulls the fur back over my head again, just in case I missed it the first time.
"You…you want to marry me?" I manage, tugging the fur back off again. "Do you…do you even know what that means?" My heart is pounding, but I don't want to get too excited, too full of hope. I could be misunderstanding all of it.
He takes my hand in his, his grip strong and sure, his palm callused from work and hard living. He clasps it against his chest, against his heart. "It means that I take you by the hand and declare in front of all of your people that we are mates and I will take no other. It tells them that you are mine and I am yours. That I want no other but you."
I melt. Just a little. This is not a typical proposal, but it's still hitting me in all the romantic feels. "Oh, S'bren. What about resonance?"
He scowls at the thought. "If the time comes and you resonate to another, he will have to make room in the furs because I am not leaving you."
I smother a laugh at the thought. "You'd be willing to do a three mating? Really?"
"No. I will not take another mate. But you will be mine and I will try to tolerate another male long enough for you to resonate." His jaw clenches as if the thought revolts him. "Resonance does not have to mean a mate. Sometimes it means just a mating and nothing more."
My romantic, wanting-forever heart has a hard time with that. I get what he's saying. He's willing to try. He wants to make this work even if we don't resonate to each other. He wants me that much. I melt, just like a popsicle in summer, because he's the sweetest, most wonderful man—alien—I've ever met. No one has ever wanted me that much. "Oh, S'bren. Are you asking me, then?"
He looks confused. "Asking you what?"
I giggle. "To marry you?"
He looks around the cave, confused. "Was I not clear? Did you not hear my words?"
I laugh even harder, because he thinks this terrible, strange (and okay, wonderful) proposal is how it's done. "Back home, most guys get on their knees before their woman and ask."
A frown crosses his face. "To show subservience to their female?"
"No! Because it's romantic."
"I can be romantic."
My mouth twitches. "You can. I have no doubt."
His thumb rubs over my wrist, and I realize he's still clutching my hand in his grasp. "What other traditions are there when a male commands a female to be his wed-hing mate?"
"Well…there's a ring." I wave my free hand in the air before he can ask. "It's just a symbol of love. A token that has great meaning and shows other men that the woman is taken."
S'bren looks skeptical. "More than the fur upon her head would?"
"No, the ring is for wearing all the time." I have to fight back more giggles. "Not just for the ceremony."
"I see." He clearly does not see, but he keeps holding my hand, stroking his thumb over my skin, and thinking. "I will find something special for you. Give me a few days."
"Just make sure it's not a fish," I tell him, my lips twitching with amusement as I think of that day on the beach that he saved me. "And there's a kiss."
"Now this part I understand." He nods and one hand goes to my waist as he pulls me toward him. "We kiss in front of the entire tribe, yes?"
"We can kiss anytime we want," I tell him, breathless. He's got me pulled so close that I'm tucked against him, my thighs straddling one of his big strong ones, my chest pressed up against his side, and he still won't let go of my hand. "We should kiss because we want to kiss each other. Because we love touching each other. Because we love each other."
"Then do I have your heart, P'nee?" S'bren murmurs. He flips my hand over and pulls it to his mouth, pressing a kiss to my wrist where my pulse beats frantically. "I have told you that you have always had mine."
Am I in love? I don't know yet. I'm dazzled by his flirty side. I lust after his arms and thighs and his balls. I'm aching for us to take things further. But I'm still a little terrified that I'm going to wake up one day and all my happiness is going to be ripped out of my hands. "If I give you my heart," I whisper, "Do you promise never to let it get hurt?"
He nods, leaning in close. His horns are flushed at the base and his eyes are full of heat, his breath slow. His lips part as he moves ever so slightly closer to me, and then leans in and breathes in my scent. "Never," he tells me. "Never will I let anyone hurt your heart."
"Then let's do it," I whisper, my body full of aching need. "Let's get married."
18
PENNY
I can't believe we're doing this. I'm terrified but also…breathless.
I'm about to get married to an alien. I laugh aloud, because it feels suddenly real. I've longed for resonance and flirted with S'bren, but now that I'm committing to someone, I'm a little shell-shocked. If I was back on Earth, I'd protest and say we can't get married this fast and—
Actually no, that's not me. I'm leap-first-ask-questions-later Penny. I'd absolutely get married on a whim.
With a laugh, I fling my arms around S'bren's neck and give him a smacking kiss on the lips. "Does this mean we're engaged?"
He gives me a puzzled look. "I do not know. What does that mean?"
I nod, patting his shoulder. "Trust me, it means we're engaged. We're going to get married when we go back to the tribe." I wiggle my eyebrows at him. "Wanna kick the tires before we do this thing?"
"I…think I would just like to kiss you again." He gives me a confused look.
I giggle and trace a finger down his chest. "That's what I meant. Have you kissed before?"
"Yes. You."
I nod slowly. Okay, he's a big virgin. I knew this, but having it confirmed just reinforces in my mind that we should go slow. Savor things. Don't throw too much at him at once and blow his mind. Or something. Even though I'm a steamroller most of the time, I like the thought of easing him into sex. Of tantalizing each other until we can't stand it any longer. "We'll kiss tonight, then. And tomorrow night, we'll do a little more. And a little more each night until we decide we're ready to consummate things. It'll give both of us time to decide if this is what we want to do or if we want to back out."
"I will not back out," S'bren reassures me. His big hand strokes up and down my back, and I hate that I'm wearing a tunic. "I have wanted you since you smiled at me."
I beam at him and give him another quick kiss, liking the way his eyes flare with interest. "Can I touch you?"
"You are touching me right now."
"No, I mean, really touch you."
He continues to look at me, puzzled, as if I am asking a weird thing. "You are to be my mate. I am yours to touch."
"Okay." I smile at him, and gently
put my hand on his jaw. That little bit of beard scruff has been fascinating me for days, and I wanted to touch it again and see if it was as soft as I remembered. Most men tend to tear your face apart with their beard hair, but his is soft and almost downy. It's just a hint of shadow along his jaw, not a full beard, but I like it. I like even more that he closes his eyes and goes totally still when I touch him, as if he has to focus all his concentration on my touch. "This okay?"
"It feels good," he murmurs, his arm tightening around my waist. "Very good."
I lightly run my fingertips along his jaw, tracing the bones. Like all the aliens, he's got intense bone structure, with a sharp, delineated chin. He doesn't have the plating on his brow that the sa-khui do, and just has heavy brows in a more masculine version of my own. Maybe a bit more arched, as if he always looks slightly flummoxed. It's adorable, and I trace each of those brows before letting my fingertip glide down his big, strong nose. He's not a man of small features, my S'bren. He's not a man of small anything, and I sigh happily. "I like your face."
"I am glad. I cannot do much about it," he murmurs, eyes still closed.
I bite back a chuckle and let my traveling fingers wander up to his brow, where his tall, sweeping horns jut out from his hairline. They're big at the base, arching into elegant lengths that could take a girl's eye out if she wasn't paying attention when he put his mouth on her breasts. I make a mental note to remember that, and trace my finger over the base. It's flushed even now, the skin warm and ever so slightly soft.
He grabs my hand, his eyes opening to meet mine. A groan of pure need escapes his throat.
"Sensitive?" I whisper, curious. When he nods and releases my hand, I can't resist. I touch him there again, letting my fingers roam and explore (and okay, tease) along the base of each horn. There's a wild part of me that wants to make him crazy right now. Touching him has reminded me of just how turned on I've been ever since we arrived back at the fruit cave, and I remember the delicious veins that trail down his biceps and his groin and…