To Save a Love

by Aston, Alexa

  “Anna,” he said again.

  Hmm. She didn’t know how to make up conversation for a mature Dez. She knew what he should say when they climbed trees and swam and went out on the lake in the rowboat. But not what a grown-up Dez would talk about.

  “You are free.”

  Her belly tightened. She didn’t like that word. It brought up foolish ideas that she had abandoned long, long ago.

  She shook her head furiously because she couldn’t speak.

  “You are,” he insisted quietly. “Your father is dead. Your cousin, Tom, has become the new Shelton. And I came home from the war. Tom and I found you. We have—”

  Anna pushed hard against him, her hands covering his mouth. She didn’t like this kind of talk. It made her head hurt. She scrambled away, breathing hard, daring him to rise.

  “I will sit here,” he told her.

  Good. He understood. She had at least made that clear to him. She needed him to go away, though. She blinked several times but he remained. She closed her eyes and counted to twenty. One hundred. One thousand. Counting had been a different way to pass the time and she did it often. When she finally opened her eyes, he was still there.

  She tried to say a curse word but only strained air emerged. She remembered she had screamed so much that her voice was gone. It would be for several days. Would she have to put up with this adult Dez because she couldn’t shout at him and make him disappear? That wouldn’t do at all.

  Turning, she began taking in her surroundings. The familiarity tugged hard on her memory. She had been here before. But where was this here?

  Anna walked around, touching items. The floor was smooth and clean beneath her feet. She glanced down and saw her usual dirty, bare feet, her legs covered in bruises as they stuck out from the drab garment she wore every day. Matron gave her a new one every now and then. She said it was for Christmas but Matron kept giving them to her. She knew that many Christmases couldn’t have come and gone. Else she would be old. So old. Like this Dez. Even if he did appear handsome.

  The open door drew her attention and she went to it. The closer she came, the more her legs began shaking. She reached it and stood in the doorway, grasping it in her hands.

  The lake . . .

  She had dreamed of this lake. Imagined it over and over.

  A choking sound came from her. She dropped to her knees. She slammed her hands against the ground, over and over.

  Then Dez was beside her. He took her wrists and stilled her hands. His legs came around and stretched out so very long, with her in-between them. His arms wrapped around her waist and nudged her until her back pressed against his chest. His arms remained lightly about her. Anna leaned against him. He felt so good.

  “Untuck your legs,” he said gently.

  Somehow, she managed to get them from under her and stretched them out like his were. She pushed her legs against his, feeling how solid they were. For the first time in a long time, she realized she was utterly content. A grown-up Dez had come to comfort her. He hadn’t forgotten about her. This was his way of rescuing her. The real Dez would never find her hidden away at Gollingham but the Dez she had created had found her. He would take care of her.

  They sat together and she listened to her surroundings for the first time. Two birds warbled, answering one another. The wind made the leaves in the trees ripple. And she could hear—and feel—Dez’s steady heartbeat against her back.

  Anna liked this new world. It had taken her by surprise. She hadn’t known she could create something as wonderful as this. She might just stay in this world forever.

  Then she heard something. A horse’s hooves. A creak. Suddenly, a cart appeared in the clearing in front of the cottage, driven by a man with a shiny bald head. He slowed the horse and jumped down. She could see he was short but stout.

  Fear rippled through her. She had let her guard down. Something terrible had entered her perfect world. He would be a new attendant. He would take her and do awful things to her. Anna began struggling, trying to make sounds to force him to go away.

  “Leave, Coral,” Dez said from behind her. “She is afraid of you.”

  “But the horse, my lord,” the man protested.

  “You can come back for it. Go.”

  As the man hurried away, Dez’s arms felt secure around her. Anna quit her struggles.

  “He’s gone, my love. He only brought us some supplies. Something to help clean you and for you to wear. He also brought food earlier. Are you hungry? Would you like to eat?”

  My love . . .

  Had Dez ever called her that? She couldn’t recall. This new Dez was like the old, familiar one but he was still different. She liked being called his love. Her heart told her she would always love Dez.

  He stood and brought her to her feet when he did. He was very strong, she decided. Dez turned her until she faced him. His hands lightly held her waist. He gazed down at her with such tenderness that Anna’s chest hurt, a tightness that spoke of long ago and promises forced to be broken. She couldn’t think about it.

  “Come and eat, Anna,” he said.

  She didn’t like to eat but she couldn’t tell him with no voice. She hated the daily bowl of gruel broth. The bread that was mostly dried dough. The occasional beef which was spoiled and made her belly ache and her bowels run loose.

  He took her hand. His large one swallowed hers. Once again, the nearness brought her comfort. Slowly, they moved toward a table, where she saw food—real food—sitting out.

  “That was Coral who drove the wagon,” Dez said as he helped her into a seat, as if she were some fine lady and he a gentleman at a fancy dinner party. “Coral also brought this food.”

  He took the chair next to her. “What would you like?” he asked.

  His question overwhelmed her. This much food overwhelmed her. Her mouth trembled.

  “It’s all right, Anna,” he said, taking her hand. “I will fix something for you.”

  She watched as he took a plate and placed items on it. Things she had forgotten about. Large, plump strawberries. Cold chicken legs. Fresh bread, which he buttered. Her mouth salivated at the thought of creamy butter.

  He placed the plate in front of her and then reached for something in a jar. A memory tugged at her and then she smiled.

  “Ah, you remember when Cook would send lemonade for us.”

  Cook . . .

  If he mentioned his cook and she had been the one to send this to them, Anna feared she had stumbled into Dez’s world. This one wasn’t made by her, after all. It was his.

  But how had she gotten into his?

  She lifted her eyes and met his. A single tear rolled down her cheek. It was all pretend. It had been fine when she was the one who pretended and dreamed because she had controlled what she imagined. Now, though, she had lost the thread of reality and things spiraled out of control. She had thought it and had rejected the idea but she couldn’t any longer.

  She had become the demented lunatic Fiend and Matron had told her she was. Her slender hold on reality had finally broken. Everything Dez said—even the fact that he was here—wasn’t the world of her making. Madness had set in and Anna knew she had descended into a place from which she would never emerge.

  Chapter Twelve

  Dez sensed the shift within Anna. He thought he had been making progress with her. She hadn’t tried to run away or strike him. She had gingerly explored her surroundings. She had allowed him to hold her. It had shattered when Coral arrived, frightening her, but Dez had once again calmed her and Anna seemed to accept things.

  He could tell she had been overcome by the display of food on the table. What he considered simple fare must have seemed like a feast to someone in her position. He wondered at the rot they must have fed her at Gollingham, seeing how thin she now was. Yet he still thought it was going well until he mentioned Cook and the lemonade. His words had triggered something inside Anna. She had begun to withdraw. The look on her face changed, tremendous sadness sp
reading across it. Why would the idea of lemonade bring unhappiness?

  Unless it reminded her of earlier, happier times and what had been lost to her.

  With that in mind, he decided to continue speaking to her gently as if everything were perfectly normal. That two old friends were merely sharing a meal. He wouldn’t hide what had been done to her. He would address it and continue to do so, all the while letting her know the asylum was behind her and she had nothing to fear again.

  “Lemonade will be good for your throat,” he said matter-of-factly. “You have strained it. That is why you’ve lost your voice. It has happened to me before.”

  Dez took the lemonade and poured it into a cup, placing it before her. He did the same for himself and took a sip.

  “Ah, nice and tart. Try some,” he encouraged.

  Anna looked at the cup and back at him. Then her gaze returned to the cup longingly.

  “It is very good.” He took another sip. “When I strained my throat, the doctor told me that I should avoid very cold or very hot beverages. I had thought a spot of hot tea would do the trick but he had me gargle with warm salt water. You can do that, too. Coral brought us some supplies.”

  Pausing, he added, “I think I will bring them in from the cart. Go ahead and start eating. I’ll join you shortly.”

  He rose and left the cottage, going to the wagon. It contained several boxes filled with the items he had requested. He also saw three valises and hoped they contained things for Anna to wear. Once she had some food in her, he needed to bathe her and get fresh clothes on her. Lifting two of the valises, he carried them into the cottage, not looking at Anna as he went to the bedchamber. He opened them and saw women’s clothing, even recognizing a dress he recalled seeing Dalinda in.

  Returning outside, he brought in the remaining valise and, after several trips, all of the boxes, as well. He had watched Anna surreptitiously and saw she was eating, totally focused on the food, as if he weren’t present at all. Dez wondered how much she understood of what occurred around her. He didn’t think her mad in the least, especially if after all this time she was still shouting loud and long enough, protesting her presence at the asylum. He believed she must retreat far into herself for great periods of time. That was what had saved her sanity, not driven her into madness.

  The key would be to bringing her back to a safe present—and keeping her here.

  He rejoined her. “Everything is inside now,” he said, keeping his tone conversational. He wanted Anna to see that he treated her normally and didn’t look at her with any uncertainty. “There are new things for you to wear, things Dalinda wore.”

  She stilled at the mention of his twin’s name. Then she turned the strawberry she held over and over, studying it. Finally, she bit into it.

  “You must wonder why I lost my voice. It was when I was a soldier.”

  He busied himself spreading butter on a slice of bread but felt Anna’s eyes upon him.

  “My father sent me to be in the army when I left Torville Manor. I had to grow up quickly. England is currently at war with France. Bonaparte has thought to conquer all of Europe. The war rages on, even now.”

  Dez covered Anna’s dirty hand with his. Gazing into her eyes, he said, “The war was terrible. Men died in droves. As an officer, it was my responsibility to lead them into battle. I would shout orders. Encouragement. It was hard to make myself heard with all the gun and cannon fire. I lost many men, Anna. And it hurt.”

  Tears brimmed in her eyes. He thought her lips formed the words I’m sorry so he said, “I know you are sorry. I am also sorry for what happened to you.”

  She flinched. Jerked her hand out from under his. Crossed her arms protectively over her breasts.

  “I hated the war, Anna. I saw monstrous things. Things I will never be able to forget. You, too, were subjected to horrible things. Though you won’t ever forget them, you can believe me when I say you are safe now. You will never see Gollingham Asylum again.”

  Tears streamed down her cheeks. She looked up and shook her head violently. Dez leaned over and clasped her shoulders gently.

  “I will never let anything happen to you like that, Anna.”

  Doubt flickered in her eyes.

  “Your father is dead. He died a few months ago.”

  Dez let that information settle in. He could almost see the wheels turning in her head as Anna absorbed it.

  “Your cousin, Tom, is now Viscount Shelton. He is the head of your family. He came with me to claim you. To remove you from Gollingham.”

  Her gaze fell. She shrugged his hands off and reached for the bread, smearing an enormous amount of butter atop it and then greedily shoving it into her mouth. He sat back, telling himself it would take infinitesimal steps to bring Anna back. At least she had the knowledge that her bastard of a father was dead and had no control over her. Tom Browning seemed like a good man and Dez believed the viscount would also do everything in his power to help his cousin.

  Anna finally pushed her plate away, crossing her arms again, a sullen look upon her face. He couldn’t help but ache, seeing the bruises covering her arms. The jagged nails on her dirty hands.

  “Would you like to have a bath?”

  She shot to her feet, terror in her eyes as she ran to the door and threw it open. As she rushed outside, Dez cursed the mistake he had made. To Anna, the idea of a bath would mean the frigid buckets of water dumped upon her head and tossed against her body. What a fool he had been.

  He leaped to his feet and followed her outside. She turned in circles, as if she were an animal trapped by hunters. A faint noise came from her and she slumped to the earth, slamming her palms against the ground in frustration.

  Approaching her, he held his open palms to his side, trying to show he was no threat. Dez knelt a few feet from her.

  “Anna, I am sorry. I know what my thoughtless words meant to you. You are no longer at the asylum, though. I only thought that you might wish to be clean and wear one of the gowns Coral brought. Remember? Something of Dalinda’s. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  He prayed he had gotten through to her.

  She stopped beating the ground and looked at him, her suspicion obvious.

  “I had Coral put water on to heat. He also fetched clean, cool water from the lake to mix in with the hot. There is a small tub in the corner of the kitchen. I will mix the water together. It will be warm. I promise that it will feel good. Can I do that for you?”

  She nodded abruptly.

  “I will also need to check your hair for lice.”

  Anna shuddered.

  “I know. They were rampant in the army. If you have any, they need to be gotten rid of. Can you understand that?”

  Again, she nodded her head.

  “It would be best to do it outside.” Dez looked up. “It looks like we have another hour of daylight. That’s good. We’ll use it.” He rose. “Stay here.”

  Minutes later, he returned with a box he’d filled with what he would use, along with a chair that sat on the cottage’s porch. He had also removed his coat, waistcoat, and cravat and rolled his shirt’s sleeves to his elbows, knowing he would get wet in the process.

  “Sit here.” He reached out his hand and she took it. He thought it important to continue to touch her. Any touch she was used to had been threatening and hurtful. He wanted to emphasize over and over to her that she was safe with him.

  Anna took the chair, hunched over. He eased her shoulders back.

  “I will tell you everything I plan to do. Nothing will be a surprise,” he promised.

  She jerked her head up and down and he supposed she was agreeing with him.

  He retrieved a bowl and set it in her lap. “Hold this, please. It’s cheese whey.”

  She frowned and he said, “It is the liquid that remains after milk has been curdled and strained.”

  Dez fetched the vinegar and poured it into the bowl before taking a wooden spoon and placing it into the bowl.

&
nbsp; “Here, you stir this together. Mix it well.”

  A small smile appeared briefly and he supposed it was the first time she had been allowed to do anything other than sit. She stirred slowly at first and then gleefully.

  He brought back a small can. “This is lamp oil,” he said. “It will smell something terrible but it is effective at killing the lice. May I have the bowl?”

  She looked puzzled.

  “Once I apply the lamp oil to your hair and scalp, I will rinse it with the cheese whey and vinegar.” He smiled. “I learned about this in army. Trust me.”

  Her guileless, sky-blue eyes searched his face and then she nodded. Dez wanted to dance with glee, feeling he’d cleared a major hurdle with her.

  She offered him the bowl with the mixture and he set it aside on the ground.

  “Tilt your head back. It will burn, so be prepared.”

  Anna did as asked, squeezing her eyes shut. He slowly poured the oil over her head, saturating it, then massaging his fingers along her scalp. Her face screwed up at first, the pungent smell overwhelming, but his fingers appeared to calm her. He continued longer than he needed to merely to keep touching her. Then he picked up the comb he’d set down and ran it through her hair. It took a good while because the short tresses were so tangled.

  Once he finished it, he moved to the bowl and brought it back, pouring small bits of it into her hair and using his fingers to work it into her scalp. Then he combed through her tresses again, the lice falling away.

  “One last thing,” he told her. “Honey.”

  He picked up the jar of honey and emptied it into her hair, again massaging it into her scalp.

  “I might have to repeat this process again in a few days. We’ll see how successful we were at ridding you of the lice.”

  Anna nodded, her face turned up to him as she kept her head tilted back. Her features were now relaxed and he could see bits of the girl she had been.

  “Stay here. I need water to rinse out all of what I have placed in your hair.”

  She shivered.

  “I will mix cool with hot.”

  She nodded.