by Love, Kristy
I forced a smile. “That’s excellent. I’m sure you’ll love the it. It’s a beautiful venue with an excellent view of the river. It’s one of the most sought-after reception venues in the city. You’re very lucky they had an opening that day.”
“It seems we’re going that way. First with Scarlet Inn and now with this florist.” Her hand slid higher on Nash’s arm, pale against the vibrant ink decorating his skin. The pain lanced through my stomach, making me slightly queasy.
I cleared my throat, hoping to ease the feelings swirling inside of me. “You’ve been very lucky. Absolutely. Have you discussed whether you want a DJ or a band?” I turned to the page in my planner designated for their wedding to the page about music, so I could jot notes down.
“I think a DJ after a while, but one of Nash’s friends offered to play for a bit. I think that’d be a great way to get it started, you know?” She wrapped her other arm around Nash’s, so she was embracing his arm. He smiled down at her, a secret smile filled with affection. He rested a hand on top of hers.
I blinked and looked away, my throat feeling tight. I fought to get words out. “What’s the band’s name? Just so I can write it in my notes.”
“Indecision,” Nash answered. My eyes flew to his as another wave of hurt hit me. I tried my hardest to shake it off, but I couldn’t. Not when memories were rising to the surface. I’d met the guys of Indecision, I’d hung out with them. They’d been there at the beginning of Nash and me, and now it was only fitting they’d be there at the end.
It was then that it fully hit me. There was no me and Nash—not anymore. There never would be. Obviously, I knew he’d been getting married, but some small part of me had held out hope. It was the part of me that held onto the love and anger, the hurt that he’d inflicted. I kept those emotions alive because I’d hoped, foolishly and on some deep level, that Nash and I had a future. Maybe I dreamt he’d wake up and realize he’d given the wrong person a ring or maybe I hoped he’d declare that it’d always been me, but that wasn’t reality.
The reality was that Nash James had moved on, completely and thoroughly. He was no longer mine. The only part of him I had any claim to were memories made almost a decade ago. He was my first love, my first everything, and that’s how it’d always be. We weren’t some great, epic love story. We were a tragedy. His love for me had clearly fizzled out a long time ago, and it was time I allowed my feelings to fade as well.
I swallowed down the emotion that threatened to overtake me. I looked down at the planner, fighting back the tears that blurred my vision. It hurt. It physically hurt to realize that we were over. My anger left, my hopes were doused by cold water, and I was overwhelmed by an all-consuming sadness. I wanted to rub my chest to ease the formidable ache there, but I couldn’t. I had to train my features and my body, keep it professional. When I got home, I’d drink some wine and hopefully cry for the very last time over Nash.
Nash and Vivienne talked quietly among themselves. They weren’t being secretive, but I couldn’t quite make out the words over the pounding of my heart in my ears. It was the death of my longest and dearest dream: to be loved by Nash James and to be allowed to love him back.
“Excuse me,” Vivienne said, standing up and planting a kiss on Nash’s cheek. “I need to find the ladies’ room.” She squeezed Nash’s shoulder as she left us alone.
I was still combatting the emotions inside me, and they were very close to bubbling over. If I allowed them to win, I’d make a fool out of myself, and I couldn’t bear that. I needed to keep my composure until I got out of here. In the car, that’d be where I’d cry. And at home. And maybe the shower too. How long did it take to cry yourself out of feelings when you’ve had them for so long?
“Bianca,” Nash whispered, though it was more of a hiss. He pulled me out of my downward spiral, and I looked at him. Again, the depths of his eyes were a sucker punch to my already weak body. “We’ll have to postpone our talk until Viv leaves.”
“I wasn’t aware that we’d actually decided on a conversation, Mr. James.” I was cool, calm, and professional. I wanted to pat myself on the back.
“Please, Bianca. I just want to make things okay between us.” His eyes moved to where Vivienne had left the room. “I want to make sure things are at least civil for Viv’s sake. I don’t want her to know more than she already does.”
I pursed my lips and glared at him. “What a way to start your life, Mr. James. Lying to your future wife about your past.”
“This benefits you, too. You get to keep your job as long as Viv is happy. Isn’t that what’s most important here? You keeping your job?” He raised an eyebrow in challenge.
The anger I thought had been extinguished rose to the surface. “Me keeping my job is a by-product of you two having a happily ever after. Stop trying to make it seem like this is some kind of hardship.”
A corner of his mouth tipped up, clearly loving getting a rise out of me. “It’s no hardship, I assure you.” I wanted to slap him so badly my palm actually itched. I clutched my hands together, keeping the urge at bay. When had he gotten so mean? “Let’s just talk.” His eyes darted over my shoulder, and he finished his thought quickly, and under his breath, almost so quietly I couldn’t hear it. “Thursday, eight o’clock, bar in my hotel.” His lips spread into a heart-stopping smile as he stood and wrapped his arm around Vivienne’s small waist. Another squeeze of pain constricted my chest, and I fought the urge to wince. “Viv. Ready to go? Our appointment is in a half hour.” Seeing them close like this caused the pain to come on so fast, so sharply, I winced. I couldn’t fill my lungs with enough air, and I was suffocating. It lasted for a split second, not long at all, but it felt like an eternity.
Again, she beamed up at him. “Do you need anything else, Bianca? Or are we good?”
“We’re good. Just don’t forget that next week is the cake testing.” I could hear the strain in my own voice as I fought for composure. Next to her, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Maybe it was those old, lingering feelings left behind by my background. I wasn’t good enough for my parents, I’d probably never be good enough for anyone else. Especially not when someone like Vivienne Petit was in the picture.
“Perfect. See you then.” Vivienne waved as Nash led her out of the shop, still holding her around the waist.
He looked over his shoulder and mouthed the word Thursday? and he raised an eyebrow in question. I nodded tightly. He smiled at me, and my breath got stuck in my chest.
I would give anything to not feel this way about him.
As soon as they were out of the shop, I dropped my forehead to the table and groaned. I wish it were already December and this damned wedding was way behind me.
My phone rang, and I saw a familiar name on it. Ethan. I’d been seeing him for the last four months. And by seeing him, we met up for dinner or drinks about once a month. It was more like a distant friendship than anything else. I answered.
“Hey, Bianca,” he said cheerily. “I figured it’s been about a month, so it’s time for me to steal a little of your time. Are you open for drinks tonight?” I could hear the smile in his voice.
I liked Ethan. I wasn’t sure if there would ever be anything beyond friendship between us, but didn’t I owe it to myself to try? I couldn’t sabotage every chance to find someone any longer. Nash wasn’t mine. He hadn’t been mine for a long time, so it was time to truly move on. “How about dinner instead? Want to meet at six-thirty at Chateau?” We’d gone there one other time, and we’d both liked it.
“That sounds good. See you then.”
I sighed as I tucked my phone away. It was time to move on. I really needed to try to move forward with my life and stop living in the past. I needed to find new happiness. I didn’t need a man for that, but it couldn’t hurt to have a sexy man to focus my attention on. And Ethan fit that bill perfectly.
Chapter 19
Nash
After we saw the reception venue, Viv and I went back to the hot
el. She was still on California time, so she wanted a nap. Anytime she traveled, she had trouble sleeping. She’d be up late and want to sleep into the day more. As soon as we got back to the hotel room, she curled up in bed and slept. I grabbed a bottle of beer I stashed in the mini fridge and went out onto the balcony that overlooked the city.
In a strange way, I felt like I was home for the first time in years. The muggy air and cloudy skies were a balm to my soul. If I was perfectly honest with myself, being near Bianca was a homecoming of sorts. Seeing her again after all this time was the worst kind of aching I’d ever experienced. I thought I’d locked away everything with her, but it was there. This entire city was littered with memories and pieces of her, of me, of us.
As we drove back from the Scarlet Inn, we passed the first official place Bianca had ever booked us a gig. I’d also seen the Primanti’s that the four of us had gone to before Felix and I left on tour. There was the hillside Bianca and I had watched that movie under the stars. Sometimes I found myself driving out of my way to pass a place to poke at the memories, to feel the ache it brought. It was a weird sort of masochism that I didn’t want to change. I liked the pain. It reminded me that, once upon a time, Bianca had been mine. She wasn’t mine anymore. And like everything else, it hurt.
Letting her go had been one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. Throwing myself into the band, the tour, and work had been my saving grace. There were long stretches of time when I had to have my phone turned off all the time because the urge to reach out to her, to make sure she was okay, was overpowering. I wanted to comfort her even though I was the cause of the pain.
I saw how closed off she was now. I used to be able to look at her and know what she was feeling. Bianca’s eyes were a window to her heart. If she was feeling sad, hurt, happy, or nervous, all I’d have to do was glance at her beautiful irises, and I’d know. That wasn’t the case anymore. She was closed off, her eyes only occasionally betraying her. I saw the hurt in them for a split second when Viv touched me. When I wrapped my arm around Viv, I saw her flinch and I was glad. I wanted her to still be affected by me. I wanted her to care, so I found myself poking her verbally, trying my hardest to get a rise out of her.
If I could get a rise out of her, she wasn’t indifferent to me. It gave me hope, though I didn’t know what I was hoping for. Was I hoping she’d still love me? Was I hoping for friendship? The more I thought of those questions, the more confused I got.
I felt myself being pulled in two, between what I felt for Viv and what I felt for Bianca. It was clear Bianca didn’t need me in her life, and I’d only make her life more complicated. She was happy, working a job she clearly excelled at and was thriving. If I came back into her life, would I throw all that into turmoil? I wouldn’t be around as often as we’d both like. My life was centered in California, and her life was here. I didn’t want her to have to make a choice between her career and being with me.
Then there was Viv. I’d spent years with her now. She was my friend, someone I valued, someone I loved having in my life. It felt wrong to have all these thoughts and feelings for Bianca when I had Viv. I didn’t want to hurt her. I’d learned my lesson with Bianca. People’s hearts were fragile. They needed to be handled with care.
And then there was me, trying to find my way through this mess. No wonder my inspiration had gone dry. Every waking second was devoted to trying to navigate the shit show that had become my life.
I took another sip of my beer and let it dangle from my fingers. People walked on the sidewalk below me. A barge went down the river, pushing coal. A city bus stopped at a curb. It amazed me how different cities could be, all across the world, but how similar they were. People went to work, had lunch with friends, and lived life. It was never-ending, one thing you could always count on. Sometimes I wished I could get lost in the crowds and experience life from the everyday person’s perspective, but I knew I was goddamned lucky. I got to wake up every day and do what I loved. And I did love it. Singing, playing, writing, recording. Every day was a blessing.
Sometimes, though, I wondered what would have happened if life were different. What if Bianca had asked me to stay? What if I refused to sign up for that second half of the tour? Would Bianca and I have stayed together? Would we have found a way to make things work? Would I have grown to resent her? What if I hadn’t ended things with her? Had me ending it with her given her a chance to thrive on her own? The thoughts depressed me because there was no clear answer, though I knew to the bottom of my soul I would have grown to resent Bianca if I wouldn’t have gotten a chance to try. I wasn’t sure I didn’t resent myself for not trying harder with Bianca though. When I saw her, it felt like she could be the missing puzzle piece to my happiness.
It wasn’t that I was unhappy, because I wasn’t. But when she was near, it felt like I was missing something, and she was it.
I finished the beer and continued standing there, arms resting on the balcony railing. I closed my eyes and let the warm summer air surround me. Sadness pooled inside of me, and I couldn’t seem to shake it.
Warm arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me from my thoughts. Viv pressed her lips to the back of my arm. “You’ve been out here a long time,” she said, her voice husky with sleep. “I woke up and expected you to come to bed with me.” She squeezed me a little, making sure I got her meaning.
I fought the urge to push her away. I was drained and suddenly exhausted. I didn’t feel like being touched—at least not by her. “I just needed some time to think.”
“Everything okay?”
I stood up straight and disconnected her limbs from my body. I sat in a chair and kicked my legs up on the railing. “Just a lot to think about.”
“Wanna talk about it?” She sat on my lap and wound her arms around my neck, pressing her face against my chest.
I grunted and shoved a hand through my hair. “Just thoughts. The record label wants some tracks written, and they want us to get into a studio to lay down some preliminary recordings.” I sighed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get back to music, but I couldn’t find any inspiration. My well had run dry, and I worried I was done. I didn’t know what to say. Maybe I was done. Maybe I’d accomplished everything I was meant to accomplish.
“Oh, Nashy,” she cooed. Her fingers toyed with the back of my hair, tickling along the base of my skull. I wanted to move away from her, but that’d bring questions I wasn’t equipped to answer. “I’m sure the wedding stuff doesn’t help.”
I rested my hand on her thigh. I waited for the usual desire to stir inside of me, but I felt nothing. “It’s a lot, yeah. But I’ll get through it.”
“I know you will.” She leaned in and kissed me. Her lips felt weird against mine, almost like they didn’t belong there any longer. “I leave tomorrow to go back to California. How do you want to spend our last night together?”
“Wanna get dinner?”
She pressed her lips together, and her shoulders sagged briefly. I was sure that’s not how she wanted to spend the night, but the thought of staying in this hotel room was suffocating. “Sure. Room service or do you want to go out?”
“You don’t want to waste that dress on a night of room service; let’s go out.” I smiled at her, and she beamed up at me, practically purring her approval. I knew what to say and how to say it to keep her happy.
Down in the lobby, we asked about places nearby that were good. They recommended a place on Mount Washington, which I thought was perfect. We could take the incline up to the top of the hill and dine with a view of the city unlike any other. Mount Washington was a tourist stop that couldn’t be missed. There were overlooks and some restaurants. I knew Viv would love it. You could see The Point, where two rivers merged and formed a new one. At night, the lights from the city were beautiful.
I’d heard of Chateau before when I’d lived here as a kid. It was a well-known place even then, so I knew it’d be a great place to go. When we got there, I placed my hand on the
small of Viv’s back and guided her through the restaurant. It wasn’t very big. The dining room was small and intimate, and everything faced the wall of windows that showcased the view. When Viv saw it, she smiled back at me, clearly impressed.
I heard a laugh, and I turned toward it. Bianca sat in the corner, her finger tracing the rim of a wineglass. She was leaning forward with her chin resting in her palm, gazing at the man across from her. My own smile fell off my face as something twined throughout me, starting in my gut until it ensnared my heart. When it reached my throat, I couldn’t hold back the words. “Bianca’s over there,” I said.
Viv looked. “We should go say hi, don’t you think?”
I nodded and walked toward the table, not even waiting for Viv. I didn’t even look back at her. I needed to know what was happening and who this guy was. When I stood in front of them, Bianca glanced up at me before jerking back in her seat. “Bianca,” I said, sounding predatory to my own ears. I wanted to tell her to get up, to come with me, but I had no right. I was here with my fiancée for fuck’s sake. But there was something about seeing her here with another man, that tore at me. My jaw ached with how hard I was clenching it.
“Mr. James,” she responded. “This is Ethan.” She gestured to the man across from her.
Ethan stood and shook my hand. His grip was firm, almost too tight, as he pumped our joined hands up and down. I could tell he was sizing me up the same way I was sizing him up. “Mr. James, it’s nice to meet you.” I couldn’t tell if he recognized me.
“It’s good to see you again, Bianca,” I said, completely disregarding the douchebag in front of me. He was broad shouldered and dressed in a dark gray suit.
“Vivienne.” Bianca smiled at her as Viv slid up to my side, wrapping her arm around my waist. “What a pleasure to see you tonight.”