HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

  “I love performing, and I love recording.” Nash finally looked up at me, his green eyes almost molten. “But I need some time to find inspiration. It’s been a little…tough lately.”

  “I’m sure it’ll come to you soon enough.” Saving us from ourselves, the server came over and took our orders. As soon as I had wine in front of me, I took greedy gulps.

  “I propose a toast.” Felix lifted his beer. “To the Fearsome Foursome.” We clicked our glasses together in tribute to the nickname Nash’s sister had given us years ago. “May nothing ever come between us again and for many more years of friendship.”

  “And for the males in our group to not put their heads up their asses again and decide to cut off all contact.” Peyton raised a challenging eyebrow, begging Felix to protest.

  “Hear, hear,” Felix agreed, smiling. “Now that it’s just the four of us, I want to hear what you’ve been up to. Clearly, you’re an event planner, Bianca. What about you, Peyton?”

  “I’m a nurse in the children’s hospital. I work on a floor for kids post-op, so I get all kinds of stuff coming my way.” Peyton smiled warmly, the same way she did every time she thought of her job. It was hard on her sometimes, but she loved those kids as if they were her own, even if they were only in her care for a few short days. If anyone was cut out to be a fabulous nurse, she was.

  “A nurse.” Felix’s voice was full of admiration. “I never expected you to be a nurse. What about all the gross shit you have to deal with?”

  Peyton laughed. “The gross stuff never bothered me. That was Bianca. She has an issue getting her hands dirty.” She bumped into my shoulder as she continued laughing.

  “I can get my hands dirty, as long as it’s a figurative dirty.” I took a sip of my wine as I smirked.

  “I seem to remember you enjoying getting your hands dirty.” Nash’s eyes had a spark of mischief in them.

  My cheeks heated. “There are certain things worth getting your hands dirty for. Cleaning up puke, poop, and blood is not something I’m willing to handle.” As we locked eyes, something passed between Nash and me, though I couldn’t name it. The air felt charged around us, and I couldn’t pull my gaze from his.

  “What about you guys? How’s the rock star lifestyle treating you?” Peyton asked, probably in an attempt to break the tension that had fallen over us.

  “It’s all that you’d expect,” Felix said. “Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.”

  “And how much of that are you partaking in?” she asked, leaning closer with an accusatory glare.

  “Not much, really. In the beginning, we went a little crazy because we were new to it all and excited and we got wrapped up. But that didn’t last long, and now Nash and I live different lives. We work hard, we play when we have the chance, and we stay the hell away from the drugs.”

  “But not the sex?” Peyton teased.

  “I can’t speak for Nash’s sex life, but I have no complaints.” Felix’s grin threatened to take over his whole face.

  “There are certain things I’d love to know about your life, but I can absolutely assure you that is not something I want to discuss.” I shifted in my chair, uncomfortable. I didn’t want to talk about dating because that meant Vivienne would come up, and I didn’t want her ghost hanging over our dinner. I wanted to enjoy this time with my friends without being sucked into the jealousy and anger I felt every time she came up.

  “What about you, Bianca? You dating anyone?” Felix asked.

  I cleared my throat and slid my eyes to the side, not wanting to answer. I also felt like I needed to establish that there was nothing between us. He was clearly taken. “I recently decided to start seeing more of someone, so I guess I am.”

  Nash choked on his water, spitting it across the table, drops landing on the table cloth. Felix pounded on his back until Nash stopped choking, tears streaking down his face, which was also bright red. He wiped at his face with a napkin. “You okay, man?” Felix asked him. Nash nodded, seemingly unable to find words. Felix stared at him for a beat longer, then decided to move on to something else. “What about you, Peyt? You seeing anyone?” Felix asked.

  “Nah, I broke up with someone a couple months ago, and I don’t really have the interest in dating anyone else at the moment.”

  “Me either.” Felix held his fist out, and Peyton bumped hers against his. “Dating is for losers.”

  Peyton laughed. “I wouldn’t say losers, but sometimes it’s more of a heartache than it’s worth.”

  “The woman speaks the truth!” Felix slammed his hand down on the table, and we all laughed. Our food was delivered, and we dissolved into pleasant conversation as we ate. Nash’s gaze kept straying to me, but I did my best to ignore him. I wasn’t interested in getting into a staring match with him. I didn’t know what his problem was, nor did I have time to figure it out. The uncomfortable tension dissipated. We were four friends enjoying an evening, with the exception of the heated looks Nash kept shooting my way. There was no way I could deal with that.

  About an hour later as we all were sipping drinks and still talking, our empty plates littering the table, Nash’s phone rang. “It’s Viv. I gotta take this.” He slipped out a door.

  I stood and stretched slightly, my body a bit stiff after sitting for so long. “I have to use the ladies’ room. I’ll be back.” I took care of my business in the bathroom, washed my hands, and got a towel. I ran a bit of cool water over it and pressed it to my cheeks. My entire body still felt flushed from earlier, and Nash’s eyes seemed to heat me more and more every time he looked at me. After I’d collected myself, I left the bathroom.

  “Bianca,” Nash said, stopping me in my tracks. He pushed away from the wall and walked toward me. He’d been farther down the hall and obscured by shadows. His movements toward me were predatory, only made worse by the darkness in the hall.

  “I didn’t know you were back here.” I took a few more steps toward the dining room, needing space between us.

  “I wasn’t. I told them I had to go to the bathroom, but I wanted to talk to you.”

  I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “Is there something you need? Did Viv need something about the wedding?”

  He continued stalking toward me until my back was pressed up against the wall behind me. He was close to me, only a few inches between us. I could feel the heat radiating from him. “I don’t want to talk about Viv.”

  I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. “What do you need?”

  His hand came up as though he was going to touch my face, but he stopped, his hand hanging in the air, his fingers stretching toward me. His eyes smoldering. “I needed to talk to you. About that night in my room. About the cake testing. About us.” His voice was hoarse. After a beat, he pulled his hand away and fisted it at his side.

  “I didn’t think there was anything left to say.” I had to tip my head back to look at him. My breaths were shallow.

  Finally, he reached up and took a lock of hair between his fingers, running them along the length of it. His eyes followed the journey as his jaw clenched. “To me, there’s a lot we need to talk about.”

  “Like?” I tried to sound in control, but he was making it almost impossible.

  He shook his head slowly like he was shaking an idea from his mind. His eyes came to mine, and something behind them seemed to simmer. “The thought of you with him is driving me insane.”

  “You’re joking.” I wanted my voice to sound sure and confident. Instead it came out weak and breathy. The proximity to him made me tremble. “You think it’s easy seeing you with her? That it doesn’t gut me?”

  His eyes came to mine, blazing with intensity and words he was holding back. “I didn’t think it mattered to you. Me with her.”

  I noticed we both weren’t saying her name because it would burst the bubble and I’d have to leave, again. I didn’t want to leave. I was starved for him, greedy for anything he’d give me. All of my good intentions flew out the window when we were sharing
the same air. “Then you either aren’t paying attention, or I’m doing a really good job hiding it.”

  He moved closer still, bracing his arm against the wall behind my head, so close that his breath fanned over my face. “I guarantee you, when it comes to you, I’m paying too much attention.”

  My lips parted, warmth flooding my veins. “I didn’t realize.”

  Closer, his chest against mine. His face was mere inches away. His free hand came up and touched my cheek. “What if we gave it another try, Bianca? What if we stopped fighting this between us?”

  Blinking rapidly, I moved my face a few inches away to get a better look at him. Clearly, he was joking. “You’re still engaged, Mr. James.”

  “What if I wasn’t?”

  “Did you call it off?”

  He shook his head, pulling his lip between his teeth. That small gesture caused desire to pool low in my belly. He moved closer, pressing me against the wall, his hips flush against mine. “What if I did?”

  “I don’t want to talk about hypotheticals,” I rasped.

  “I do.” His hand slid from my face, down my arm, until he clasped mine in his. I closed my eyes against the sensation. Tingles rained down on my body. I felt that one touch throughout my whole body. Knees weak, pulsing heat, head light. “I want to talk about you and me. I want to do more than talk.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, moving even closer. I could feel his desire for me, pressed against me. The heat of it scorched me, made me ache.

  “You know we can’t.”

  “I’m sick of can’t. I want you, Bianca. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. Don’t you want me too?” His eyes pleaded with me to give in. His hand was back on my cheek. Against my better judgment, I pressed into his touch, absorbing the sensation.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I whispered, my eyes burning. “You’re not mine to want—not anymore.” Before he could continue pressing and pushing me to give in, I slid out from against the wall and went back to the table, leaving him there. My chest was split wide open, spilling all over the floor. “Peyton, I’m not feeling good. I’m getting a cab back.”

  Peyton’s eyes widened, and she threw her napkin on the table. “I’ll come with you.” She turned to Felix. “Thanks for dinner. We’ll catch up later, yeah?”

  Felix nodded. “See you both later.”

  And we left, tearing myself in two. I wanted to be back in that hallway. I wanted to kiss him, taste him, feel him. But I couldn’t. He wasn’t mine. Not anymore. If he ever truly was. He toyed with me, making me think he’d choose me, but he never would. He didn’t choose me ever. First with Stacy, then with the tour. I wanted him to chase his dreams, I wanted him to be happy, but I needed to take care of myself at the same time.

  Chapter 24

  Nash

  When I heard the door swing closed, I came back into the room. Felix glared at me. “What did you do?”

  “I talked to her like I said I was going to.”

  “She was pale as a ghost when she came back.” He stood, nostrils flaring. “You did something, you dumb motherfucker. What did you do?”

  I ran a hand through my hair, then scrubbed it down my face. “I can’t do this anymore, man. I need her.”

  He shoved my shoulder, though I knew he wanted to do a lot more than that. “You. Are. Engaged. Do we all keep needing to remind you that? What do you want her to do? Jump into something with you when you’re actively planning a wedding with someone else? Is that how you want it to be with her? If you want Bianca, pick her. It’s not that fucking hard. End it with Viv; it’s way past due.”

  I hated that I continued to hurt Bianca. It felt like that’s all I did. I’d played it safe for so long, keeping everyone else at arm’s length. It was time to end it. End all of it. My engagement with Viv, my hiding how I truly felt about Bianca, lying to myself and everyone around me. I wanted Bianca. I needed her. The only person who stood in my way was me. I’d lay myself bare and pray that was good enough for Bianca. I’d rather live the rest of my life convincing her that she was it for me than continue this charade. “You’re right.”

  “Of course, I’m right, you dumbass. I’ve been telling you this for how long?”

  “Viv and I are going to New York tomorrow. When she called, I told her I needed to talk to her before we did the interview.”

  A slow, satisfied grin spread across Felix’s face. “So, the decision was already made?”

  “I can’t do it, Felix. I can’t marry her.” I sighed. “I need to fight for Bianca, really fight for her. Show her that she’s it for me.” I couldn’t meet his eyes, too embarrassed by laying my insecurities in front of him. “It was always Bianca; I was just too stupid to end it sooner.”

  He clapped me on the shoulder. “You have to take a leap of faith.”

  I nodded. “I know. I’m ending it.” My resolve hardened. I was taking control and not living my life safe anymore. Viv was definitely the safe choice. I’d kept her at arm’s length for the past two years. She knew me, but she didn’t really know me. She didn’t own my heart. I was fine without her.

  “Thank fuck. Then we can all move on with our lives.”

  * * *

  I got to the hotel and made arrangements for my own room. Viv had booked us a room to share, but I knew I needed my own. I had no doubt she’d throw my ass out in the cold as soon as I opened my mouth. I arranged for the staff to take my stuff to my room, discreetly. New York City was always a treasure trove of paparazzi. It wasn’t quite as bad as it was in Cali, but it was still hard. I’d been stopped multiple times at the airport and fans were outside the hotel. Whether they were here because they knew Viv was here or what, I hadn’t a clue; they requested photos and autographs either way.

  After the month and a half of being in Pittsburgh, it was strange to think of this life. No one had discovered where I was yet, so I felt anonymous again. Being thrust into the spotlight was disorientating. I did play it more low-key in Pittsburgh, but I didn’t advertise my presence with my usual entourage. I needed more security in California or New York, or other big cities. I usually had an assistant hanging around or someone from the label who needed something. Back home, it was just me and Jeremy, my main security guard. I’d missed the ease of travel, not needing to have exit strategies.

  I rode the elevator to her floor, steeling myself for the fight. I made sure we weren’t on the same floor. Come to think of it, I should have gone to a completely different hotel. Or flown back to Pittsburgh today instead of waiting. Unfortunately, I’d also scheduled a couple meetings with some record label guys. They wanted to talk to me after some of the stuff Felix said. Our record label had an office in California and New York, so no matter what coast you were on, they’d be up your ass. They wanted to make sure I was still going to honor our contract for another album. I wanted to, but I needed the inspiration for songs. Nothing was coming. Felix had sent me snippets of stuff he’d written, but I couldn’t focus on them.

  I knocked on Viv’s door. She opened it and smiled, pulling me into a hug. “Didn’t the front desk give you a key?” She pulled me into the room.

  “I forgot to ask for one,” I lied. My palms dampened, and I rubbed them together like somehow that would dry them.

  “We’ll call down in a bit and have one sent up. Come in the bedroom with me. Help me pick out an outfit for tomorrow.”

  Tomorrow we were going on one of the morning shows and announcing our engagement. At least that was the plan before I’d decided to end it. Viv probably wouldn’t realize it was a good thing I was ending it now versus waiting. The engagement wasn’t public, so the humiliation wouldn’t really be a factor. We could pretend we went our separate ways, a quiet parting that happened so often in the entertainment industry. “About that. Viv, I need to talk to you.” I followed her as she went to the bedroom. This was a nice hotel, so it had a living room area and then a bedroom, plus a kitchenette.

  “Talk while you look at my dresses.” She laid out different dresses on the be
d. Red, purple, deep blue, and black.

  The sight of the dresses was a shock. It made the urgency of everything more apparent. I couldn’t wait, I had to say something now, or it’d be much harder to untangle us from this trap. “I can’t do this anymore, Viv.”

  She giggled. “It’s just a dress choice, Nash. My stylist picked the purple one. She said the black was better for a sad announcement, not for an engagement.”

  “You’re not listening to me.” I cleared my throat, my hand resting on the back of my neck. “I want to end the engagement. I don’t…” How could I tell her I didn’t want to be with her without crushing her?

  Slowly, she turned toward me, her face pale and eyes wide. “You want to break up? Not get married?” She stumbled backward a bit until she sat on the bed, clutching the damn purple dress to her chest. “I don’t understand.”

  “I think we need to end this before we make an even bigger mistake.” I was rooted to the spot, studying her face for some indication of what reaction she’d have.

  Her eyelashes fluttered. “We’re engaged. We’re planning a wedding. You think being with me is a mistake?” She sounded confused, like the words weren’t quite registering with her.

  “I don’t think being with you is a mistake.” Fuck, I kept walking myself into a corner, and I didn’t know how to fix it. “I think if we continue moving forward together, it’ll be a mistake.”

  “Stop talking around the issue and just tell me what you want to tell me, Nash.”

  “I am. I’m breaking it off. No engagement, no interview tomorrow, no more wedding planning.”

  She continued blinking rapidly as if this was a dream she could force herself awake from. Her chest deflated, my words sucking the oxygen from her lungs. “You’re breaking up with me?”

  “Yes.” A weight settled on my chest, and I tangled my fingers together in an effort to stop myself from going to her, touching her, trying to comfort her. This had to be a clean break. I couldn’t give her the impression that my mind could be changed.