I got to the double doors and heaved, it took me a couple tries, then it was like a seal was cracked and the room seemed to hiss and depressurize. I didn't know what I was expecting, but I should have guessed. Inside the throne room was filled with interstate-sized tunnels of web, like something a massive, bus-sized funnel spider would create.
It was horrifying and I heard a chorus of chittering as a massive spider face with dozens of eyes stared at me from the dark tunnel. "Who dares . . ." the deep and uniquely insectile voice boomed.
She scurried the rest of the way out of her tunnels and stretched, each of her eight legs extruding in a different direction. She took a moment and rocked around, seemingly in hibernation before I woke her. On her back was a giant red heart. It was her, the Queen of Hearts. They could have told me she was a massive spider . . .
"Speak up, I haven't all day."
"Y-you're the Queen of Hearts?"
She lunged towards me, closing the gap in the blink of an eye. She must have been further away than I thought, the throne room was huge, but now she was so close to me I could count the hairs on her fangs. “What happened to you?”
“You do not like my appearance?”
"No, I mean—"
“You witness magick beyond your comprehension, Earthborn. Ask yourself, would you pay any price necessary to serve your people?"
"I mean, depends on the price . . ."
She seemed to be glaring at me with all twelve or sixteen of her shiny black eyes and hissed. This was not going well. "You're here for my hand in marriage, are you not, foolish Earthen.”
"N-not exactly."
She stood up on her hind legs and screeched, her legs curling around me, but not quite touching. I could only imagine how it would feel to have her wrap her massive body around me, likely squeezing the life out of me before injecting me with her babies or drinking my brain through one of her myriad tubular appendages.
"I told you not to play games with me, consider this your final warning.”
"I was sent by the people of your court. Your constituents, remember then?They claim you are mismanaging the land and colony," I tried to sound confident, but I was literally shaking in my boots. The matriarch spider was so big I could feel her fetid breath on me.
“Ha! Was it not for me, we would have been taken over by the night court once and for all."
“The night court? I never knew—"
“Of course you did not know, you are but a small-minded mortal.” Her long front feelers ran up and down my body like a monstrous snout feeling like little vacuum suckers, but on the inside of each of them were fang-like teeth. Why does everything want me so dead?
“If it wasn't for my sacrifice, the land of the Fae would have been swept over by the horrors of the night court."
“I understand, but can't you cooperate? If all the courts have a common enemy?"
The spider laughed. Or at least she make a slimy, gurgling sound which I think passed for a laugh. I didn’t particularly care for it. "Do not be foolish, is there anything else? I work up quite the appetite in slumber you know. Perhaps I will eat you and save the rest for my hatchlings, you wouldn't believe what it takes to keep my little babies fed. Sometimes it feels like more work than its worth. I know its terrible to say, but such is the burden of motherhood."
I gulped and reached into my pocket. I found the golden coin and the dice. I felt a shift in the Queen of Heart's disposition when she saw the golden coin. “Where did you get that?"
I was kind of surprised, not expecting any sort of response out of her. What good would a golden coin do a giant spider queen. “Oh this? You like it?”
I examined it, it was quite beautiful, the inside was carved with intricate little symbols that seemed to change as you looked at them, it was almost hypnotic.
“I must have it," she demanded.
“Then leave this place, go live your life, I have experienced enough of your land to know your people are strong, they will have what it takes to hold the line and probably beat the pants off your shadow court."
“You do not know what you speak of, but in accordance to the sacred laws, I shall offer you an opportunity to contest me for it."
“Contest you for it?"
“By entering my household, you are bound to the laws of custom. You understand, do you not?"
“I suppose I do, and so if I win, you will leave peacefully and settle elsewhere."
“Were you not listening? Well I shouldn't suppose a mortal like you have the capacity to understand something as basic as covenants," if a spider could sigh, that was what she did, her many eyes transfixed on me and blinking at once. All around the corners of the thrown room little spiders flooded, probably thinking their mother was about to feed them.
“So how does this work?"
“Must I explain everything to you?"
“No, I—"
“Name the challenge so that we may proceed. How hard is it? Do I need to slow my speech, is my low-speech too difficult for you to understand? Are you really wasting my time with this? What did you expect, exactly, coming here, pathetic mortal?"
I had no idea what she was talking about, but then I felt Inga’s presence. I felt the warmth of her soul entangling with mine. Then it came to me. A torrent of memories flooded my mind, revealing more of the expanse of time I spent with my love. The memories had a grainy quality to them, like there were decades old and I had the distinct memory of losing to her over and over and over. God, I would have given anything to take another all-day nap with her.
"Pebbles," I said. I wasn't all that confident in the game, Inga had demolished me more times than I could remember, and I had no idea how skilled was The Queen of Hearts was.
The Queen seemed surprised that I knew of such a game. “Very well, pathetic mortal weakling. Pebbles it shall be.”
She stuck out one of her feelers and it seemed like she wanted me to shake it. It was so hairy and utterly alien and insectoid, I really wanted nothing to do with it, but I supposed this was the way and I reluctantly accepted.
“Foolish mortal. We must seal the covenant in blood."
I gulped and pulled out my utility knife and very carefully eased my knife towards her extended feeler. She looked as big as a bus from my perspective and heavy as one, too. I pressed it to the tip of her feeler, the inside soaking and spewing slime around its tooth-covered membrane. I steadied her with one hand, grabbing near the tip, then slowly and carefully brought the blade to the edge of the mucousy and hairy straw-like membrane.
“Be on with it, fool," she rumbled. I felt her words vibrating through her monstrous feeler. I sank the blade into her, pulling it back afraid, before plunging it deeper. Thick black blood filled the wound like a moat and I quickly pulled the blade back, then stood and flinched, closing my eyes, just wanting her to get it over with.
“You must offer your blood willingly. Must I teach you everything, foolish mortal."
I think I hated offering my hand to her even more than I hated closing my eyes and waiting for it. She had so many fangs and spikes and her face was an abominable mass of swirling tentacle-like fangs and pinchers, all of which looked like they would put a hole in me the size of a softball. But there was no way out now, backing out was a worse sin than ignoring the way outright. I didn't think I would ever understand the vast web of rituals and customs of the Faefolk.
One of her sharp feelers shot at my hand and I felt a tight pressure as each of the tips of my fingers on my left hand had little pinpricks. “Ow! You didn't have to do them all."
“Weakling, how dare you enter my sanctum."
She held out her feeler oozing with black blood, and we shook again, our blood merging, dripping between our grip.
“Perhaps I will have your liver first. They say it’s one of the best parts for my little spiderlings, but sometimes a mother has to treat herself, I hope you understand."
I shuttered, knowing fully well she would likely keep me alive throughout the entir
e endeavor.
I nodded and followed her across her Queenly golden forest of spiderwebs. This stuff was much easier to walk through and seemed more ornamental than anything. I had a feeling she was a roaming spider, journeying outside her web seeking prey under the cover of night.
CHAPTER SEVEN
There was nothing I could even conceive of that could possibly be worse than my current predicament. I hated spiders, why the hell did it have to be spiders.
How did I get myself in these situations.
Her army of creeping spiderlings followed us out back where I assumed a nice terrace was . . . at one time. I shouldn't have been surprised to find another pit of despair. It was more like a graveyard than the back of a kingdom, dead trees and plants and more of the mummified corpses, bits and pieces of armor still on them, the smell of rotting vegetation and the arid, putrefied streams left to stagnant in the forever long, eternal summer day. It reminded me of death and graveyards and the smell of low tide with all the rotting seaweed.
But nothing was worse than the bus-sized leviathan of a spider. At first I had no idea where she was taking us, then I saw where the court was, at one time it was probably magnificent. Now it was just an open casket, rotting and exposed to the elements.
The court sized gameboard looked like at one point used living people instead of pieces, but then I saw the pieces laying in a pile that looked like it housed every poisonous wood spider I could think of. I didn't want to reach into that hell trap. Lucky The Queen of Hearts grabbed first, a stream of spiders crawling up her appendages.
The ancient game of pebbles is kind of a cross of chess and checkers and go, only it is meant to play quickly, you had to train yourself to think several steps ahead, while maintaining a blistering-fast pace. I was never really any good, my human brain was running in a single lane compared to their multi-lane, quantum-core super-consciousnesses.
"What's the matter? You do not like my royal subjects?"
"As a matter of fact: No, I absolutely hate everything about this."
Again she kind of growled which I think at one time passed as a laugh. "Do not worry, we are bound through covenance. Any harm that becomes of you, will in fact reflect to me in seven folds.”
It wasn't really reassuring as I looked at the spiders swarming over the pieces.
With just the tips of my fingers, standing on tiptoes in the lurid, old straw-like vegetation, I carefully grabbed each piece crawling with small and large spiders alike.
It was terrifying and I was afraid if I killed any of them, it would somehow be in violation of our pact. I tried to jiggle my three foot piece that sort of resembled a Queen. Back at home, we would use marked pebbles, but of course the queen would have her own set.
Very carefully and deliberately I dragged them to my end of the court, spiders crawling up my arm, my feet sinking into the dyed out yellow grass absolutely lousing with little black spiders. Some of them crawled up my leg but I had to keep cool. I couldn't smack them away or run away crying or learn magic and come back and torch the entire place.
The Queen skittered up a tree, suspending herself over the board, her legs curling upwards, her head rotated backwards at an odd angle, not unlike an owl could. "Well?" the spider queen asked, her voice exactly how I would expect a spider's voice to sound, the lack of vocal chords causing her to communicate through a series of wet vibrations, like she was speaking through a megaphone filled with grease and oils--you could practically hear the venom in her voice.
I of course, had no idea what she wanted of me. It was like I was the biggest idiot in the world when a Fae creature didn't see me adjusting my standing position or drinking tea or coming to orgasm together at the right times, everything depending on the angle of the suns and moons and time of day and a million other variables that I couldn’t even begin to remember, much less sense.
"You are a guest of mine, how is this difficult to understand. You will make the first move as my guest.”
The Queen of Hearts hung menacingly over me and the board. I hated everything about her, just looking at her made my skin crawl. It reminded me of the first time I saw a giant spider in virtual reality, I almost shit myself, but this was like it was mined directly from my nightmares. I considered my move, little spiders crawling up my legs and down my neck. They can't hurt you, you can't hurt them. I had to keep reminding myself, my skin literally crawling. I tried to think about the many, many times Inga defeated me and what I learned.
Yet every player was different.
I walked over to my hare piece that was predictably modeled like a bunny. Inga hated, hated it when I compared her to an animal. It was like calling someone an ape, only for the Fae who are obsessed with beauty and aesthetics, it was a slap in the face. If I could compare it to anything, I would compare it to worse than someone insulting your mother. It just wasn't something you casually did and I learned my lesson quick, Inga’s hand always ready to leave me a stinging reminder across my face.
I shuttered at the roughly chess-shaped piece. I couldn't even see the bleached white coating through the skittering mass of spiders crawling around on it: Red spiders, green spiders, bright orange, black and white hairy skittering horrors. And of all varieties too, tarantulas, brown recluse looking spiders, even the shiny coated widows, but in the world of the Fae they were as big as basketballs, lording over the rest of the revolting things. I imagined there was a whole dynamic spider culture that probably controlled another obscure aspect of Fae life.
I eased my hand over the piece, trying to brush off enough spiders to allow me to get a grip on it. "A little help, here?"
"Oh, do not mind them, they are anxious for dinner, afterall." But as if by her command, the spiders parted, leaving me just enough room to grab onto the piece and walk it over to the board.
I lined up my piece and dropped it and it came to life and hopped up and down, and for a second, just a second I was again entranced with this world. A world of extreme beauty and madness, constantly fluctuating like a pendulum.
The queen was next, she didn't even have to leave her perch, her front legs or feelers or whatever passed as hands stretched out long and thin like some kind of eldritch abomination and she dropped her piece in direct opposition to my hare, which was an incredibly aggressive move.
One of the several goals of pebbles is to occupy the enemies’ spaces and your first move is basically a free occupation, but instead of occupying my territory, she placed a piece directly in front of mine. It was the rose piece, but looked more like one of the man-eating plants from classic retro games that shot out fireballs. This one was coiling around its own body like a snake, just waiting to pounce on my hare, the poor thing shaking in its square, but the hare isn’t a combat piece, they are more like drones. What is she getting at?
My turn was next and I used my hornets nest to corner her right quadrant. Again I was moving units over to her territory—the obvious move is to occupy until your fairly well situated, but this was insane, her very next move she moved her knight right to my hornet's nest and in her own territory her knight was supercharged, typically a piece you would reserve for defending your king or queen. She was prepared to slaughter my two pieces.
It was my third move and in Fae culture, the number three is sacred, so I had three moves. I moved several pieces forming a tight net within her base. But I really had no idea what I was doing with her overly aggressive formation.
On The Queen of Heart's next turn she immediately swept the board of my pieces, all of them dying in gruesome and harrowing deaths, my poor little hare making a choked squeal as its head was lopped clean off. Now I only had my important tier-three pieces.
I moved my knight in a defensive position fearing she would just eat him up and she formed a line at the border of her kingdom and mine. I moved two of my important defensive pieces, but it was as if she was stringing me along and playing me like a fiddle.
And she did exactly what I was afraid of, laying down three more pieces
using some unknown formation. There were so many formations, I had no way of knowing what I could even do. You could fill up a library with all the oddities and rules. I was going to be spider food—I knew it. God I hoped it didn't hurt, but this was the land of the Fae, their world one of extreme pain and beauty, so it was likely going to be more horrendous than I could even begin to imagine.
I had one more move with over half my pieces gone. I knew I had several formations to play. I thought about Inga crushing me over and over. She loved rubbing my ignorance in my face. I really didn't get why I loved her so much. She was the actual worse.
But I loved her like you love a pet that is occasionally an asshole just because they felt like it, but the truth was, the great majority of the time she was too good, she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I had lived hundreds of lives in the virtual.
But I was on my own now. Reality had never been so true to me.
I played my tree of life, situating it directly in the center of my board. It was kind of a Hail Mary, but I had to do something, anything.
And quickly, without even taking a moment she dropped her hedgebeast on my tree of life, and it proceeded to rip it to shreds, pieces of white marble flying as easily as blood.
I'm fucked. I'm so spider food, what the hell am I doing?
She continued to pummel me until intermission, and as per tradition, The Queen of Hearts offered me refreshments, which I had to accept. And the only thing she had on hand was spider milk. Some spiders produce milk and it was supposed to be healthier than cow milk, but that little factoid didn't help, not even a little as I looked at the gross, dark and fetid milk. It was a big glass served in a chalice and I had to drink the entire thing. She assured me it was harvested from her own servants, but it looked like it had been sitting around for months.
Afterwards, she served me blood sausages that seemed to be nearly all blood, the natural copper flavor apparently the flavor profile they were going for. It tasted fermented with a natural tang to it, each piece bursting in my mouth like a blood boil.
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