After I leave Ruby with her music class, I’m standing among other parents, looking for prime seats. They’re like oceanfront property, the way some parents bump and push others out of the way. And there’s always that parent, the one who has brought their 1980s camcorder and is blocking the view of others.
I used to be that parent. The one who got here early and reserved seats, the one who skipped dinner to make sure everyone had front-row viewing. This year, I failed, and I’m sitting three rows from the back, behind a row of very tall people.
Every so often, I look toward the door, praying that Rory will walk in. I doubt I’ll call him over, but seeing him would be a nice reprieve. Not for me, for Ruby. She needs to see her father, to know he still cares.
The classes file in. I crane my head to look for Ruby and smile as I see her curly ponytail bopping along. One last look toward the door yields nothing, and neither does my quick scan of the parents rushing to their seats. I try not to feel disappointed, but I am.
When the lights dim, I try not to cry. I don’t know what else to do, to get it through Rory’s head that he can’t make promises to Ruby. Not anymore. I can’t and I won’t keep covering for him.
A hand touches my shoulder, and my heart soars. Crouched down next to me is Jason Hayes whose daughter Emily is a few years older than Ruby. “Is that seat taken?” he whispers.
I shake my head and tell him no as quietly as I can. He sits down next to me, thanking me. I’m not sure what to say to him, so I try to focus on the music teacher as she tells us about tonight’s performance. Thankfully, Ruby’s class is up first, but unfortunately, I have to stay until all the performances are finished. Normally, I wouldn’t mind except the middle school band is playing again at our tree lighting ceremony, and it’ll likely be the same songs as tonight.
My little Ruby stands on the risers, singing her lungs out. I can’t help but feel incredibly proud of her, even when she messes up. I can tell when she does, because she covers her mouth and tries to sing even louder on the next verse.
It’s an hour and half later when the concert’s over. Once the lights are on, there’s a mad rush to get out of the gymnasium. In the hall, there are light refreshments as we wait for our children.
“She has pipes.” I jump at the sound of Rory’s voice. He stands before me, his eyes sunken in with bags that match mine. His shirt is wrinkled, and it doesn’t look like his slacks have been pressed. I try not to cheer, but it’s a victory for me to know he never looked tousled when I was taking care of him.
“What are you doing here?” The question is ridiculous, but it’s the only thing I could think to say because I wasn’t expecting him to show up.
“Our daughter had a concert.” As if he needed to remind me.
He steps closer, invading my personal bubble. I try to smile, but I can only look away. A few of our friends stop and chat, forcing Rory and me to make small talk with them. I’m sure it’s as awkward for them as it is for us.
When Rory’s hand touches the small of my back, it takes everything in me not to step away or even move nearer to him. It’s been so long since I’ve felt the warmth of his hand that my mind is telling me one thing while my heart is saying something entirely different.
Ruby yells for her dad. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. He squats down to meet her, wrapping his arms around her before picking her up. “Mommy, did you hear me?”
“I did,” I tell her as I try to put her coat on without asking Rory to put her down. “You were wonderful.”
“I messed up.”
“It’s okay. You have a whole year to learn the songs for your next winter concert,” Rory says.
“They change every year,” I mumble.
He nods and carries Ruby out of the lobby, where he heads to the parking lot and stops at his car.
“I’m over there,” I say, pointing toward my car.
“I thought we could go for some ice cream.” Ruby screams in agreement, which makes me want to drag her father behind the school and chastise him for saying that aloud.
“Yes! Ice cream. Ice cream,” Ruby starts chanting, which makes me want to drag her father behind the school and chastise him for saying that aloud.
“What do you say, Gwennie?”
“You two go ahead. I’ll see you at home, Ruby.” I walk toward my car and try to forget the scene that’s happening behind me.
“Gwen, wait up.”
“Where’s Ruby?” I ask, looking at his empty hands. He points at his car.
“She’s inside. She’s safe.”
“What do you want then?”
“You,” he says, which makes my heart speed up. “I want my family back.”
I shake my head. “Rory—”
“No, listen,” he says as he reaches for my hands. “I’m a fool. I’ve made a lot of mistakes where you and Ruby are concerned, but I’m going to be better. I just need for you to give me a chance.”
I pull my hands away from him and press the button on my fob to unlock my door. “I don’t know, Rory. Showing up for her concert and taking her for ice cream doesn’t negate everything else.”
“I know it doesn’t. I’m going to show you that I can be the man you fell in love with.”
I half smile before disappearing behind the steering wheel of my car. I don’t give Rory a chance to talk me out of it before pulling away from him. I honk at Ruby when I pass her, and she waves.
I detour through our small town of Friendship, looking at all the lights. This time of year I always love where we live, because everything’s so festive. Sitting on one of the benches, with a cup in his hand, is Ruby’s friend. I haven’t been able to remember the words he said to me the other day at the rink. I’ve tried, but each time I draw a blank.
Pulling over, I park my car and rush to the diner and order two slices of pie and two cups of hot cocoa to go. “Hello.”
“Hi,” he says gruffly.
“Mind if I sit?”
“Not at all. I was just leaving.”
“Please, stay. I bought you some pie.” I set the boxes of pie and drinks down. Pulling one of the cups from the carrying case, I hand it to him. “I hope you like hot cocoa.”
“Is the sky blue?”
“Normally.” I laugh. I sit down next to him and open my box. Thankfully, the waitress heated everything up for us. “Do you like it?”
“I do.”
“Good. I was hoping you could repeat what you said to me the other day in the park.”
Gabe doesn’t say much as he continues to dig into the flakey crust. We sit there, both eating and me waiting for him to tell me. I’m starting to think he doesn’t remember or I imagined that he said something.
“This pie was delicious, thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Did you get any of the cookies the children were handing out the other night?”
He nods. “Ruby said she decorated mine special. Ruby’s a extraordinary girl.”
Knowing this makes me smile, but as a mother, I’m also concerned. She shouldn’t take to strangers so easily. “Do you see her a lot?”
Gabe shakes his head. “Only when the children come outside. Sometimes I’ll sit and read to them while they’re on recess.” He turns and looks at me. “Don’t fret …I asked permission first, and there’s always a teacher nearby.”
“I wasn’t worried,” I tell him, even though I was and still feel like I should check with the school.
He stands and picks up his bag of belongings. “What you’re looking for, the happiness, it’s with those you love.”
Chapter Five
Rory
Deciding to go to church was a spur of the moment thing. I woke from a nightmare in a cold sweat, needing my family. I couldn’t explain it, and I still can’t, but I needed to be wherever they were.
In my dream, my wife and I weren’t anything to each other. Nothing more than strangers who would pass by without making eye contact, without saying hi. When in reality, sh
e’s everything to me. Gwen represents the best of who I am and who I desire to be. Gwen’s the nurturer of our family, the glue that holds us together. Waking with that feeling of dread weighing heavily on me is something I never want to experience again.
I know making it to Sunday service isn’t going to change anything between Gwen and me, but it’s a continuance of what I started the night of the concert. I had hoped not only for a family outing but also for the opportunity to sit next to my wife. I was late because there was traffic, which is unusual in Friendship. Add that to a packed parking lot and having to walk farther than I planned, and by the time I reached the gym, the dimmed lights left me no choice but to stand in the back.
It worked out to be the best possible spot, aside from sitting next to my wife. From where I was, I could easily see Gwen, and as soon as Ruby’s class finished, I spent the rest of the concert staring at my spouse. If the seat next to her had been empty, I would’ve slipped in, reached for her hand, and held it until it was time to go. However, luck was not on my side, not that night.
I know I have to do better, show her I can be the man she fell in love with, the man she married. I’m hoping to prove to her I can change. It’s going to take some time, I know this, but I have to try.
Ruby spots me first. I press my finger to lips, motioning her to be quiet as I come down the aisle. She turns back around, facing forward. I imagine her legs moving back and forth in rapid succession, and any moment now, Gwen will place her hand on Ruby’s knee to calm her.
The spot next to Gwen is open. I slide in, and she shifts away. I tell myself it’s because she has no idea it’s me, but shouldn’t she know or at least sense me or has she already forgotten me and moved on? That thought makes my stomach turns queasy, and I press my hand over my gut, hoping the sensation goes away quickly.
“Hi.” Gwen’s voice is small, but I hear her clear as day, and that ill feeling is gone. If I ever had any doubt that Gwen is the love of my life, this small moment proved she is.
“Hi, Daddy.” Ruby looks past her mom. I swear she winks, as if she had some scheme going on to get me here.
“What’re you doing here?” Gwen asks.
I shrug. Honestly, if I didn’t have the nightmare, I’m not sure I would be here today, trying to prove to Gwen that I can change. That the love we shared is still there. Thoughts of love bring me back to my conversation with Gabe. I don’t know what it is about that man, but he’s always there when I need to talk to someone. It’s like he appears out of thin air, and he always knows what to say. “I meant what I said the other night. I want my family back.”
“Rory, we talked about this” she mutters and looks away. This isn’t the time or place to have this conversation. I know this. I also know that time is sensitive. I want to spend Christmas with my family. I want to wake up in my bed with my wife next to me as our daughter comes running in, yelling that Santa as come. What I don’t want to worry about is the counterclaim my lawyer is pushing me to sign. Truthfully, I’d love to tell him I sent it to the shredder and it can stay there. However, that all depends on Gwen, and considering the number I’ve done to her emotional state, I have an uphill battle this coming week.
Gwen tenses when I place my hand on hers. The jab goes right to my heart. I deserve it. I don’t want to think about the last time I showed her how much I love her. It’s been years. Years of excuses that have piled up and bridged a gap so wide that her only course of action is to call it quits, while mine is, well I’m not sure what mine is, but it’s going to change. I’m going to change. These two women are what’s most important in my life, and I need to show them.
Pastor John takes his position behind the pulpit. His hands grip the wooden stand as he looks out over his congregation. He starts the morning off by talking about the weather and how dangerously cold it could get. He reminds us to care for those who can’t care for themselves and not to forgot those who have lost their way.
I scan the crowd, looking for Gabe. For all I know, he attends here. The doors have always been open to everyone, but that doesn’t mean everyone comes in. For some it’s hard to overlook the appearance of a homeless person or the fact that they beg for food and money. It’s also hard for me to think that if I hadn’t been looking out the window earlier in the week, I wouldn’t have met Gabe, a man who doesn’t seem to have anything except words of wisdom that have opened my eyes to the kind of man I want to be. The kind of man who puts his family first, who doesn’t break promises, and is present in the lives of his wife and daughter.
The word forgiveness reverberates through the church. It hits home for me. It’s exactly what I need to convince Gwen to do, and I know it’s going to be hard. Pastor John seems to maintain eye contact in our general direction as he continues his sermon. I can’t help but think he’s speaking directly at me. I know it’s ridiculous since the church is packed, but there’s something in his words, almost as if I’m the only one here. Maybe this is his way, God’s way, of telling me that I have to ask for Gwen’s forgiveness. Not only for Gwen and Ruby, but for myself as well.
As soon as the service is over, I stand and exit the pew, holding my arm out for Gwen and Ruby to step in front of me. I’m milking it, I know, but I can’t help it. I place my hand on Gwen’s lower back and mentally prepare for her rejection. When it doesn’t come, I sigh in relief.
No one stops to ask if we’ve reconciled, for which I’m thankful. I need a moment to say my piece to Gwen and beg for a second chance. If that means I get down on my knees, I will. I’ll do anything.
I guide us to the back of the church and down the stairs where refreshments will be set up. Once we’re there, Ruby runs off to sit with her Sunday school group, and I use this opportunity to pull Gwen into one of the corners.
We used to do this, she and I, long ago. Back when we first started dating and I’d come to church with her. After the service, we’d huddle in the corner, stealing kisses, away from the prying eyes of our parents and grandparents. Man, I miss those days. Back then life was simple. You woke up, did your thing, and found your girl when school was over. No stress. No bills. Just life.
“Rory—”
I hold my hand up, asking her to give me a chance to say what I need to. “Do you remember when I was supposed to take Ruby to decorate cookies?” I don’t wait for her to answer before I continue. “That night, I was walking home to get ready for Jerry’s party, and I don’t know, something stopped me and I ended up here. I watched you and saw how unhappy I’m making you.”
Gwen’s hands fidget, and she looks around, likely trying to figure out if people are listening. I don’t care if they are. She needs to know how I feel, and if others hear, maybe they’ll be kind enough to remind her when she sees them.
“I can’t do this here,” she says.
She doesn’t give me a chance to say anything else before she’s walking away. My eyes follow her every move until she disappears behind a door. I turn back to the room and grin, although to others it probably looks like a grimace. It definitely feels like one. Pretending everything’s okay is hard.
Ruby sees me and tries to smile, but her face is sad. Does she know I’m here to win her mother back? That I want to come home and be a family again?
The door Gwen disappeared behind mocks me. I finally decide I’ve had enough and go to it, knocking once before trying the handle. The knob turns easily, and I step inside to find my wife alone in the corner, dabbing her eyes. When she sees me, she turns to face the wall.
“Why are you here, Rory?”
“As in church or this room, Gwen? Both could be answers you may not want to hear.”
Gwen doesn’t turn to look at me, even as I step closer to her. “Both.”
“Well, as far as church goes, I don’t know. I had a nightmare …”
“We all have nightmares, Rory. I’ve been living one.”
“Gwen …”
“And the other reason?”
I sigh and continue to move clos
er to her. “When I woke up, it took me a while to realize that what I experienced was only a dream. You and Ruby were there, but I wasn’t your husband or her father. We were people living in the same town, not knowing each other, and I hated it. I felt empty and lost. Much like I feel now.”
Gwen clears her throat and looks at me from over her shoulder. Makeup is smeared and running down her face, and her eyes are bloodshot. Everything in me says I need to reach for her, to pull her into my arms, to tell her I’m in love with her and will do what I can to make things right.
“I was hoping we could talk later,” I say to her as my hand rests casually on her hip, but to me, there’s nothing casual about touching the woman I love. I’m ready to spill my guts, to tell her how I feel.
She shakes her head.
Fine. I’ll talk to her back if I have to. I have nothing to lose. “The other night, I don’t know what happened, but it was like a veil was lifted and I could see clearly. Except I’m standing on the outside of this bubble, watching as my life goes by. When I see you and Ruby, you’re there, but I can’t touch either of you, and you can’t hear me calling out your names. Then there’s this moment when I think you can hear me, and you look in my direction, and you’re nothing like the woman I love. Your spirit is dim, the natural glow you carry is gone, and the sparkle in your eyes doesn’t exist. When I see you, I know I did that to you, that I ruined our family. I know this now, Gwen, and I hate that it’s taken me years to figure this out. What I thought I was doing, working to provide the best life for you both, was nothing more than me alienating myself from the people I love.”
She turns as I start to close the gap between us. Without hesitation, I pull her into my arms. She’s rigid, which is understandable. With my arms wrapped around her, I breathe her in, trying to memorize the smell of her perfume because I’m going to need it to make it through the night.
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