by Nisioisin
It was impossible to be cognizant of something that didn’t interest you.
Or rather, even if she was interested─it was like a Japanese person who didn’t understand English browsing an English newspaper. Once you folded it shut again, you wouldn’t even remember how to spell words you’d just seen.
So even if she hadn’t tried to explain herself, I wouldn’t have thought that Shinobu had registered Tsukihi, realized what was up, and kept it a secret from me.
Just as Shinobu was no ally to humans, she was no ally to aberrations.
And despite all the abuse she hurtled at me, I knew that Shinobu was indeed my ally.
In fact…
If Shinobu hadn’t been with me back there, the whole situation would have gone belly up. Suddenly thrust into the deep end like that, without knowing my left from my right, I fell completely to pieces─and even if I hadn’t, folded up by Kagenui as I was, there was nothing I could have done.
By the time I lost my cool and went flying at Ononoki, I had already made a serious mistake─not that I wanted to become the kind of person who could remain calm after his little sister’s torso was blown clean from her body.
Still.
I’d meant to negotiate and talk things out…
I bet Mèmè Oshino would have snorted if he’d seen me.
Actually, he would have laughed in my face.
The one who actually carried out the negotiations afterwards─was the vampire who inherited Oshino’s wealth of aberration-related knowledge. Yes, Shinobu Oshino.
“Hold─traveler. I will brook no more violence. I imagine ye wish, also, to avoid causing further trouble here.”
Shinobu must have judged that the one more likely to come to the table was not her fellow aberration Ononoki, whom she ignored, but Kagenui, who was still standing on my back. It was to the onmyoji that the words were addressed.
“Hmm? But I don’t wish to avoid trouble. I’m not so well-behaved that I’d choose a time and a place,” Kagenui shooed. “You won’t brook it? What can you do to stop me now, vampire─former vampire? You’ve lost your powers. You’re no threat to me.”
“Perhaps.”
Perhaps? Shinobu was almost completely powerless these days. Thanks to being sealed in my shadow, she could invoke a few skills while she was there─but even that didn’t go beyond creating a DS. She could hardly take on an expert.
And to make matters worse, Kagenui was an onmyoji who specialized in immortal aberrations─Shinobu at the height of her powers might be a different story, but she was no match at the moment.
But that was the art of negotiation─what they called chutzpah.
“That may be fine for thee, but what about the little maiden?” continued Shinobu, not letting on to the truth. “As aberrations go, she does not look strong enough to withstand my energy drain. And once I drained her perfect, I would be more than hale enough to go toe to toe with thee.”
It was a bluff.
Ononoki had just obliterated the entire front door along with Tsukihi’s torso. There was no way Shinobu could cope with such monstrous power─she’d only get herself blasted to smithereens like Tsukihi. Actually, Tsukihi only had her top half blown off, but Shinobu would get every inch of her pulverized.
It would be a miracle if a single blond hair remained.
However, Shinobu’s brazen attitude, arms crossed and chin thrust out, betrayed no hint of uneasiness. She just stood there quietly, acting the part─a vampire of inscrutable measures.
She might get angry with me for putting it this way…but she hadn’t lived for five hundred years for nothing. Considering how oblivious Shinobu was to the ways of the world, though, maybe it was less those five centuries than the three months spent with Oshino that were proving useful.
Three months with a man who could negotiate aberrations and humans alike under the table on the strength of nothing but a bluff─three months with Mèmè Oshino, who never resorted to violence even under the most extreme circumstances.
“I shan’t interfere with thy business─I bespeak only a temporary withdrawal. Thou can surely agree to something so trifling. I doubt that time is such a pressing commodity for thee.”
But still, that bluff… Maybe it would fool me, and maybe it fooled Ononoki… But would it actually fool Yozuru Kagenui, an expert operating in the same field as Oshino?
I was a little worried on that score. Actually, massively worried. But in the end…
“Hmph.” Kagenui withdrew her hand from my head without protest. “Fine, then─I will withdraw a spell, as you say. While I might give two hoots for time and place, even I am not keen on eliminating the child in front of her own brother─although, haw-haw, it’s not his sister, now, is it?”
“……”
She wasn’t really my sister.
A fake─sister.
“This fiendish young man might want to put his affairs in order as well─as a show of respect to a legendary vampire, I will give you that time. I’ll let myself be taken in by that admirable bluff, so go, get your thoughts in order, rest your body, and whatnot. Hm, I reckon this was our mistake. The truth is I had planned to settle this affair before the foster parents and family found out─ah, noise.”
With that, Kagenui─jumped from my back onto Ononoki’s shoulders.
After all this, she still hadn’t stepped on the ground.
It seemed less like a childish game and more like a religious vow of some sort at this point.
But the bigger surprise was Ononoki, who didn’t so much as bat an eye even when Kagenui, who looked about twice as large, landed.
This wasn’t simply carrying someone on her shoulders.
I was reminded, once more, that this girl was indeed an aberration, the Unlimited Rulebook.
“I will come again tomorrow. Finish your preparations by then─and it’s no use running. I’m no pushover like Oshino, I’ll tell you that now─I never let my prey escape. And if you fix to get in my way, your certification as harmless be damned, I will eliminate you as well.”
Until then, promised Kagenui.
Ononoki pivoted with the onmyoji still on her shoulders and began plodding away at a brisk pace─it was as if all the destruction and regeneration had never even taken place.
“Why,” I entreated their backs, just barely croaked─I was in a turmoil of shock and pain. “Why go after…Tsukihi?”
Prey, she’d said.
But surely─there was no reason to go after my little sister.
This wasn’t like Shinobu getting marked for death by expert vampire hunters.
“You’ve got no reason…to come after Tsukihi.”
“There is. She’s an aberration, a monster,” Kagenui charged without turning around, from her perch above the ground, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “However dotingly raised, she is still a lesser cuckoo─a monstrous fake what lives by deceiving folk, mingling with a family and pretending to be human─we two fix to call that evil.”
“……”
“We defenders of justice─don’t bide by such. We don’t pardon fraud.”
With those words, Yozuru Kagenui and Yotsugi Ononoki, the aberration and the human, the two-man onmyoji cell, left our house in their wake.
011
“I’m home! Let me tell you, today was some fun! Even among the many trials and tribulations of my breathtaking existence, today was a day to truly commemorate. I doubt a treat like this will ever come again in my lifetime. Nothing will ever surprise me again after… Huh? Holy smokes?! What the heck is this?! The entrance to our house is completely gone! I’ve never been so surprised in my life!”
The time was approximately 5:00 p.m. Karen came home sooner than I thought, and her reaction to the state of our house was even better than I had anticipated.
“Koyomi, I already took my key out. Where am I supposed to put it?! Cutting through packing tape is all it’s good for now!”
“Well…”
Karen’s st
upidity could be a real breath of fresh air, sometimes. She had a brain like a beehive. She’d make a great test subject for anyone who wanted to study how humans could get so scatterbrained.
“I figured it would be a little while until you got home,” I said. “Since mom and dad will be back late today too, you could have fudged your curfew a little.”
“Ahh, I couldn’t, I couldn’t. In the end, I was too nervous around Kanbaru-sensei. If I stayed there any longer, my head might explode, so I decided to say goodbye early. I kept tripping over every word. Can you believe it? I was a total wreck.”
“I wish I could have seen that.”
“But she’s really great, isn’t she? Is ‘great’ the right word? She’s really got it together? Like a woman of character? In any case, she’s really gallant.”
“Yeah, I’ll be the first to admit that Kanbaru is as gallant as they come─and her personality is genuine. I could learn a thing or two from her.”
“The funny thing is, though, she kept slapping her own cheek. I guess to keep her spirits up? She did it whenever my face came close to hers or our bodies touched.”
“……”
That was probably to control herself. A valiant fight against her own wicked impulses─maybe it had approached wiccan levels.
“We played a game of street ball at the park. One thing, though. She was a real hellcat on the court, but when it came to rock-paper-scissors, she was abysmal. Seriously. I didn’t even have to use my surefire method. I won almost every round.”
“You’re telling me. She’s absolutely terrible at any game that relies on luck.”
She didn’t have bad luck so much as no luck. For some reason, hard work and effort didn’t seem to earn her happiness─which, of course, is how she ended up wishing upon a monkey.
In any case, it seemed like hiding Kanbaru’s sexual predilections from Karen had been the right choice─my sister was so simple that if I’d told her, she might have offered her virginity up to her revered Kanbaru-sensei.
Either way, it sounded like Kanbaru had done right by Karen─I could rest easy now. Breathe a sigh of relief, or whatever.
I would have to thank Kanbaru later. I’d work extra hard to clean up her room tomorrow, as repayment.
“But more importantly, Koyomi, what is this?! What happened?! Was it cannon fire?! Did a posse from the organization track us down and bombard the house?!”
“……”
A posse from the organization? Karen certainly had a goofy imagination. What was she watching that put those kinds of thoughts in her head? Animes and movies weren’t enough to explain it.
“Whoa there, Karen, don’t say ‘more importantly’ when you were telling me about Kanbaru. Just think of how disappointed she’d be if she heard you say that.”
“Ah, good point. That’s true, telling you about her is clearly much more important than our measly front door. Okay, listen then. After basketball, we played a game of tag on the monkey bars and─wait a second! Obviously the fact that our house is in shambles is more important right now!”
Karen was playing the straight man with great gusto.
That was all well and good, but she and Kanbaru playing tag on the monkey bars surpassed anything I could imagine… I needed to hear the details.
“Yeah, I guess,” I nodded.
After Kagenui and Ononoki had left, I’d remained right where I was, in our front doorway, since the destruction wasn’t about to go anywhere. Several of the neighbors came by to voice their concern, but I managed to play it off well enough─it was a lucky break that there had been no witnesses.
A lucky break.
The phrase was a little too convenient, considering the situation─just like the three vampire hunters, Kagenui had probably just done her groundwork and ensured that there would be no witnesses before carrying out her violence.
Even if she didn’t care about the time or place, I’m sure she had her own logic.
They probably didn’t consider their use of force criminal. Having laid waste to a private residence, they proudly spoke of justice.
In any case, no matter how burglary-free our country town, I could hardly leave with our front door gaping open to the world. I’d waited like the faithful dog Hachiko for Karen Araragi’s return.
Besides─I had some stuff to think about.
I’d grown tired of waiting─but it’s not as if I’d had nothing to do with my time.
“What happened here?” asked Karen.
“Actually, a posse from the organization showed up.”
“I knew it! It was them, those sons of bitches! Targeting my family, those cowards!”
“So you think you know who did this…”
“My temper’s running high! In fact, I’ll run myself! Straight for the sun on the horizon!”
Apparently my little sister’s imagination wasn’t the only thing that was goofy. She also led a goofy life.
I wish she’d mellow out eventually.
Either that, or she could die.
She could join Shinobu and go vanquish the sun.
“Hrrm?!” my sister exclaimed. “You know, saying ‘cowards’ just reminded me of beef! Is anyone else hungry?!”
“Are you thinking about something else already?”
“That settles it, tonight let’s have oden for dinner!”
“That conclusion doesn’t make sense…”
When it came to remembering things, Karen was the real birdbrain.
“Anyway!” she yelled. “I’m pretty sure I don’t know anything about any organization!”
“That’s what I thought.”
“Koyomi, would you just give me a serious answer?!”
Karen looked angry, her hair standing on end. But if she wanted a serious answer, maybe she could ask a little more seriously.
She was so high that it was almost impossible for us to have a serious discussion.
“Uhm…actually I’m not sure,” I said. “I took a break to run to Mister Donut, and when I came back, it was already like this.” Yeah, I never intended to answer her seriously. “I figure a dump truck or something probably ran into the house…”
“Oh, you mean a hit and run. This one sure is a doozy, though. Who knew stuff like this really happened.”
Karen seemed to buy my story without suspicion. She was far too trusting.
Sure, with the house in that state, there didn’t seem to be any other reasonable explanation, but seeing how easily she was convinced was a bit of a letdown. While I didn’t see anything wrong, per se, with lying to my sisters, when it was this easy I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty.
“Karen. You’re amazingly smart and very cute.”
“What? Me? Oh, stop!”
Karen twisted back and forth in embarrassment. There. Guilty feelings gone. Though I suppose I had just lied again.
“Huh, I see. So that’s why you’re sitting here keeping watch, Koyomi. Good work. But I bet you didn’t get any studying done today.”
“You’re right.”
I could hardly study under the circumstances.
But in the greater picture of life─I guess today had been a pretty huge lesson.
“It’s settled then, Koyomi. Let me take watch. It’s my turn now. Until mom and dad get home, I shall serve as Cerberus at the gates of hell. Or Dekamaster even, hell’s own guard dog!”
“You really like the Deka Rangers, don’t you?”
“Nonsense.”
“Nonsense, yourself.”
“Seriously, though, I’m really hoping to join the Fire Squad. Based on how often he does handstands, I guess I’d be the green ranger.”
“Then how come you don’t have any bright ideas?”
That was supposed to be his thinking pose.
Geez, what age range were they trying to reach with that show?
I don’t think their message was getting anywhere.
“You go ahead, Koyomi, and study at least a little in your room─they say if yo
u take one day off, it takes three to make up for it. Of course, that’s for muscle training.”
“Don’t talk to me about muscles.”
“Actually, it’s important to rest properly after training. It’s called supercompensation.”