by Tim Finch
For Claudia
CONTENTS
DISLOCATION
THE GAVEL
BREAKTHROUGH
THE HANNAH WÄCHTER MOMENT
(DIVERTISSEMENT: 23.24)
PERCHANCE TO
DAYS
A BOOK
DE VRIES IN DEN HERREN
TOO MUCH?
GHENT
GOOD MAN
PHIL AND BABS
THE AFTERNOON OF THE WOMEN’S UNIVERSITY
AUBADE AFTER LARKIN
MY SUITE
PROGRESS
I AM IN GOLDEN SUNSET
FURTHER READING
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
NOTE ON THE AUTHOR
Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen,
mit der ich sonst viele Zeit verdorben,
sie hat so lange nichts von mir vernommen,
sie mag wohl glauben, ich sei gestorben!
Es ist mir auch gar nichts daran gelegen,
ob sie mich für gestorben hält,
ich kann auch gar nichts sagen dagegen,
denn wirklich bin ich gestorben der Welt.
Ich bin gestorben dem Weltgetümmel,
und ruh’in einem stillen Gebiet!
Ich leb’allein in meinem Himmel,
In meinem Lieben, in meinem Lied!
I am lost to the world,
with which I used to waste much time;
it has for so long known nothing of me,
it may well believe that I am dead.
Nor am I at all concerned
if it should think that I am dead.
Nor can I deny it,
for truly I am dead to the world.
I am dead to the world’s tumult
and rest in a quiet realm!
I live alone in my heaven,
in my love, in my song.
Friedrich Rückert, ‘Ich bin der Welt
abhanden gekommen’, translated
by Richard Stokes
DISLOCATION
First thing, every second morning, a group of us walk the same three-mile circuit. It is scrupulously signposted and graded – just so – as ‘moderate’: the more strenuous sections offset by longer, leisurely ones.
At the meeting point, there is always a lot of faff with laces and fleeces and walking poles and energy bars. But the moment we set off across the snowfield behind the hotel any lingering irritation is dispelled. That sound – the crunch of snow boot through snow crust – crystallises the exhilaration we all feel at being out in the impeccable cold of early morning, high in the Tyrol.
We don’t walk, and negotiations never go as well, on those days – mercifully infrequent – when a white fog wipes out the world in front of one’s face. Then we breakfast rather later, behind copies of the International Herald Tribune, The Times, Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung and the rest. It was Baudelaire – I looked it up online – who railed against this ‘revolting aperitif that the civilised man starts his morning meal with’. ‘War, crime, rapine, shamelessness, torture … a delirium of universal atrocity.’ The point is well made, but the word aperitif has always troubled me. At breakfast? If you’re a Symbolist poet, I suppose.
Pace Baudelaire perhaps, some of us, some of the time, prefer a book to a newspaper, despite the problem of keeping a book open while eating. Ingenious arrangements with the salt and pepper pots, with cafetières and milk jugs and unused cutlery, never quite work. The hardback comes into its own, I find, being more prop-up-able, as it were; whereas the paperback, so handy in bed, is too lightweight for the breakfast table. As to the reading going on: you’ll be pleased to hear – we are a predictable lot – that I have seen more than one edition of The Magic Mountain being tackled, including – I am copying and pasting again – .
(It was one of my younger colleagues who pointed this out to me. I am no nearer to mastering Arabic, I’m sorry to say, which fact puts me at a disadvantage in this business, my nominal eminence in it notwithstanding. I ask myself continually: how long before I run out of road? And then what? Some variant on retirement, I suppose; once a semi-relished prospect, but now almost entirely dreaded.)
No one from either delegation eats with us or walks with us or talks with us outside of the formal sessions. They have their own floors in the hotel. They pray – separately – in rooms set aside for the purpose. A murmur of it reaches us. Just as the murmur of the bars must reach them. They take their meals in the main dining room, but in designated areas at opposite ends from each other. I am careful to wish both parties good morning every morning and they return the greeting respectfully.
To return to The Magic Mountain for a moment. At some point, bringing it up – ‘I couldn’t help noticing …’ – might help with the negotiator in question: little somethings like this sometimes do. Though the fact that he speaks English so beautifully, so pointedly, gives me pause. Is he signalling something through his choice of reading? And if so, what?
Such minefields, darling, I can hear you saying.
Having got into our stride across the snowfield, we have to exercise caution on a small wooden bridge, as the planks can be treacherously icy. The bridge crosses a mountain torrent, though for most of the weeks we have spent here its leaps and linns have been startlingly frozen, as if by the tap of a winter witch’s wand.
And let me withdraw the ‘as if’ straight away. That rushing water can be so astonished into stillness is surely a sign of magic at work and not the agency of ice. Though, such is the way of things, the path then takes us straight into a rectilinear stand of pines with no magic about it at all. The trees are numbered and smell of the saw shed and the timber merchant. And next we cross a tarmac road, and outside a row of modern chalets stand BMWs and Volkswagens with skis and snowboards on their roof racks.
But that is the last of that. Thereafter the walk takes us away from the glitter of the resort, into more ragged pine and fir forest, to one of the steeper, rockier climbs, until in due course we emerge above the treeline of the mountain and are rewarded with a stupendous panorama of peaks. The thin ice air scintillates our lungs and thrills our faces. The sky is a filled-in blue, the only powder in the wash the dissolving evidence of an airliner at its most ethereal.
‘Chief,’ someone says, clapping me on the back with a big bear paw.
‘Yes?’ I say.
The spell must always be broken.
‘Some view, isn’t it?’
As I say.
My ever presence among the walking party – I have not missed a day – does not, I trust, inhibit camaraderie. On mornings when we have been in higher spirits, I have joined in the snowball fights and taken my turn on the metal tray swiped from behind the bar by a Grade 7. My tumbling from that tray into a hollow of deep powder provoked much hilarity. Yet it is true to say that I tend not to be part of the huddles that form and disperse, that chat and laugh together, as we make our way up the mountain. I tend to hang back a bit, or stride ahead, absorbed in my own thoughts. And of course, one must be conscious to some degree of one’s station, one’s position, even muffled up on the mountain. A certain distance must always be maintained.
I am making you laugh, I can tell. Well, good, because don’t think for a moment I am in low spirits, that I am lonely. Though, of course I miss you. Constantly.
The highest point of our walk is reached when we arrive, and rest for a few minutes, at the little chapel that stands where the marked path forks, the other route leading to the pass over the mountain and down into the next valley.
One Saturday a group of us took that path – daringly so, we thought. What would we find on the other side of the rocky crest? The top-station of a ski lift, as it turned out. With a blaring motorway-style cafeteria, palisaded by hundreds of pairs of multicoloured skis. We took the go
ndola down to this other resort and then had an hour-long bus journey back to our village. Most of it on dual carriageway, in heavy traffic, heavy sleet. It was a changeover day.
The chapel is a charming, rustic structure. Tucked under a rock overhang, it has an undulating tiled roof, adorned with a simple cross. Otherwise it is basically a log cabin, tastefully weathered by the seasons. Inside, there are rough wood benches, a table with a wooden cross on it and a single stained-glass window, of abstract design, a memorial to a local man who died in a car accident, aged just twenty-two. There is also a sanctuary lamp, oil-fuelled, which, as custom requires, burns constantly, eternally. Given that every evening a candle illuminates each immaculately maintained grave in the village churchyard, it is most likely that someone – perhaps the same person – tramps up the mountain daily to tend this solitary lamp. Yet we have never seen another soul anywhere near the chapel, or indeed any boot prints other than our own on the paths towards it. Skis? someone suggests. Langlauf ? I, for one, prefer to believe this ever-burning lamp is the little miracle someone would have us believe.
Whatever we believe, we all take a moment to reflect. Personal matters are uppermost in our minds, but also, I trust, the importance of our mission. We can just glimpse the roof of the hotel and the conference centre from this eyrie high above the resort. I always start looking forward to breakfast at this point. And to the business of the day.
The descent, inevitably, is somewhat anticlimactic. But it was during this morning’s walk down the mountain that the incident I want to tell you about occurred. Everyone was rather bored. Not just with the hike but with being here. There was a drip-drip-drip thaw in the air, but that served only to remind us of how long the talks have been going on. Going around and around the same track, starting and finishing at the same point, getting nowhere for all our exertion … I am labouring this, I feel.
Then, there it was. A strong rope tied to a stout branch overhanging a gully, the rocky bed of which was palliated by duvets of snow. We had not seen the rope before and could not have missed it on all the previous occasions we had passed this way. Some local children, tiring of winter pursuits, looking ahead to spring, must have rigged it up the previous evening. Lengthening evenings: there’s another thing.
It was to be seized, of course: this unexpected, mildly thrilling, above all, new element to our early-morning constitutional. Instead of crossing the gully via the footbridge, we took it in turns to swing over, Tarzan-style, across. Several of us, perhaps for courage, did so while doing the Tarzan yell.
Yoooo-oddle-oddle-ooooooooo-yoddle-oddle-ooooooo.
It is a curious ululation, when you think about it: sounding more Alpine than simian, owing more to the European origins of Johnny Weissmuller – or, to be precise, Johann Peter Weißmüller (b.Szabadfalva, in the Austro-Hungarian Empire in 1904) – than to an upbringing among the apes, e.g. Cheeta (or Cheetah, Cheta or Chita – real name Jiggs.) As you can imagine, our little adventure was the talk of the Gaststube this evening. And here’s another nugget – also found on the Internet – that I shared with the company and which was well received: the Tarzan call was trademarked by Edgar Rice Burroughs, so every Yoooo-oddle-oddle-ooooooooo-yoddle-oddle-ooooooo is technically a breach of copyright.
But the point of telling you all this is what exactly? Because I made it across without incident, I’ll have you know. I was rather pleased with myself, if I’m honest, though it was a traverse of no great distance, and the degree of danger in these snowy conditions was negligible. The fact was, however, there was an accident, which was quite dramatic in its way. What happened was that the penultimate swinger, so to speak (one or two did take the bridge), dislocated her shoulder in the process. Something to do with hanging on to the rope for too long and then overextending her arm as she finally leapt.
The plosive when the ball joint of the upper arm popped out of the shoulder socket was sickeningly distinct. Our colleague – Berenice, her name is – yelped in pain and then literally fell at our feet. I was among those who – there’s no other way to describe it – recoiled. We couldn’t bear her agony; how it tore through us. Our first instinct was not sympathy but disgust; a reaction that tells you something about human nature: its default to repellent selfishness. (I need hardly add that less was made of this in the Gaststube.)
But we also witnessed the other side of human nature, where the better angels take to their wings. (I have been rereading the Steven Pinker book out here, incidentally: as an antidote to the revolting aperitif, as it were.) The person who stepped up was Hans, a Danish rapporteur, who turned out to be trained in first aid. With just a few firm words, he had Berenice lying flat and ready for theatre. He then braced himself, right leg locked against her side, and, with a decisive heave and a sort of rolling action, plopped the arm back into place. There was some sense of oars and rowlocks about the manoeuvre: the flailing arm, a gruesome grinding for an instant, but then smooth, almost liquid, rollerball motion.
Other than an oily film of sweat on her upper lip, there was no trace of pain on Berenice’s face where moments before all was pain. Indeed, one almost felt she would have been hard put to imagine pain, even in the far future, never mind the immediate past, such was her surging freedom from it. (Adrenaline pumping, presumably.) She had to be persuaded not to swing the recently stricken arm around her head to demonstrate how complete was its restoration. And it was with some difficulty that Hans got her to agree to immobilise the arm in a makeshift sling.
That’s it; that’s the whole story. It was no great drama in the scheme of things. And I am not suggesting that there is a lesson to be drawn from the incident. Berenice has been prescribed some strong anti-inflammatories, but we expect her to be in work as usual tomorrow. Otherwise it has been an uneventful day. The talks grind on. I try to keep my spirits up.
I miss you.
THE GAVEL
To start with, it was something of an embarrassment. I even sensed sniggering among younger members of the secretariat when I first used it. But now I am most attached to my gavel and relish the sharp rap of hard wood against sounding block that calls and restores proceedings to order. Certainly, the two delegations seem to respect it, and therefore me, which makes me think the idea of having a gavel came from the (very good) cultural adviser to the talks.
At other negotiations I have presided over, the element of ceremony, the air of a court of law, that the gavel evokes would not have been helpful. After all, as I am constantly stressing, I am not the prosecutor, or the counsel for the defence, or indeed the judge of proceedings, I am a mere facilitator – though on this occasion that ‘mere’ was omitted from my normal suite of opening remarks, also on advice from the cultural adviser, who thought it too self-deprecatory, too archetypally English. ‘I am a Norwegian citizen,’ I reminded her. She – a Finn of Jordanian parentage – apologised. ‘But people often make your mistake,’ I laughed. She continued with her point. ‘Above all, they respect strength,’ she told me.
You can see why we employ such advisers (there are culinary and religious ones too). It is so important to create conditions in which the two negotiating parties feel as comfortable as possible.
Which brings me to the Turkish delight. When I first saw the little bowls of it in the middle of tables, alongside the hotel-branded bottles of still and sparkling mineral water, I thought it smacked of Western condescension, of the worst kind of stereotyping. Why not the usual mint imperials? I thought (though they have problematic connotations of their own, I suppose). I was wrong about the Turkish delight, however: both delegations seem to have been very pleased with it, not just taking handfuls of the sweets themselves, but offering them around – at one particularly promising moment, to each other.
Sadly, the deployment of Turkish delight as a peace token was short-lived. I forget exactly what went wrong, but something was said, offence was taken, and the sharing stopped. Still, both sides continue to enjoy the Turkish delight in common – and that is somethin
g.
I have chaired talks where if one side starts drinking the orange juice, the other side will immediately ask for apple juice, not because they particularly want apple juice – although they will probably make a show of drinking some of it – but to make the point that if we think they’ll drink what the other side is drinking we have another think coming. To which, the other side – ‘the orange juicers’, as it were – respond by drinking some of the apple juice themselves, not because they particularly want it either, but to make the point that refusing to share drinks is a petty gesture to which they – ‘the orange and apple juicers’, to be more precise about it – wouldn’t stoop. To which the ‘other’ other side – ‘the only apple juicers’, so to speak – respond by not responding – i.e. by not drinking tit-for-tat orange juice – thereby making the point – to their own satisfaction at least – that having made their point they are not going to labour it.
There was an issue the other day with the blinds. Or more precisely, how much light they were letting in.
We hold our plenary sessions in the main conference room of the complex, a room that is designed to have natural light, but no view – nothing to distract us. We are sometimes troubled by the sun angling in through the skylights, however. The blinds, as you might expect in a facility as state-of-the-art as this one, are computer-controlled. They can be adjusted minutely using a mouse-type-of-thing. And thank goodness for it, for one shudders to think what a drawn-out performance it would have been if we had had to call in a maintenance man to go up a ladder and play with the cords and twizzle that long thin plastic stick to adjust the angle of the slats, as we would have had to do back in the old days, the prehistory of ten to fifteen years ago – I am thinking of the Blair/Bush years. You going on the Stop the War march in London; me staying at home. You saying I was putting my career before protesting against illegal aggression; me laughing: ‘Come on, darling …’ You muttering: ‘Don’t you darling me …’; me saying: ‘Okay, but if we are talking illegal aggression, let’s start with Saddam Hussein, let’s start with him gassing his own people …’