“Lydia, wait. I’m about to…” I silence him with another kiss, ignoring his instinctive challenge. When his hand grips my hair, I know I’ve won. I ride the furious wave as it breaks over him, etching the image of his release into my memory. This is beauty. This is perfection. This is everything I’ve wanted from, and for, Alexandre Silva since the second I saw him strained at a hotel bar.
But the problem with waves is that once they crash, they disappear. Their explosive power dissolves into nothing, flowing back out to rejoin the endless pool that created them.
They become part of the abyss they tried to escape.
CHAPTER 15
XANDER
I push Lydia away, horrified at what I just allowed to happen. My body buzzes from the aftershock of her touch, my crotch cool from the sticky evidence of my failure. Fuck! How could I be so stupid? So weak.
I shove my face into my hands, fighting to catch my breath.
“Don’t,” she warns, gripping my fingers and forcing them down.
I close my eyes, refusing to look at her.
“Xander, don’t you dare regret this.”
I finally look at her. Crystal blue eyes search mine, begging me to find what we had a second ago. But we won’t, because there’s no finding what shouldn’t exist. I curse and push myself to my feet, grabbing my hoodie and water bottle off the floor. I will have to sneak to a bathroom and figure out some way to clean up. At the very least, it’ll give my brain a challenge to distract me from the woman I’m already craving again.
She latches onto my arm, spinning me back.
“So that’s it? You’re just gonna storm off and what… pretend this didn’t happen? Avoid me for the rest of the tour?”
I shrug, knowing it’ll piss her off, but we’ve already proven I’m too weak to keep us apart. It’ll have to come from her end. Even now, despite every alarm blaring around us, I’m staring at her braless tits with the longing of a teenager. It’s so much worse now that I know what it’s like to touch heaven, to run my fingers over silky clouds. I clench my fist. And now I get the added bonus of feeling like a total dick. What kind of man lets a woman get him off and leaves her alone, unfulfilled, in a storage closet? How many catastrophic mistakes can I make in one day?
I’m a fucking record-breaker.
“I have to go clean up,” I mutter, pulling away from her.
“Right. Just keep pretending there’s nothing between us. Keep acting like what happened was a mistake and not the inevitable truth we both have wanted since the second we met.”
I pull in a breath, shaking from the effort of staying away from her. One step closer and she’d be in my arms again, my mouth pleading with her hips to return the favor. I lick my lips, hardening again at the thought. She fingers the clasp on her jeans as she watches my gaze land on her zipper.
“Don’t,” I warn.
She slips open the button.
I close my eyes and back away, forcing my thoughts to Matty. To the look on his face when he asked why Lydia was in my room last night. Why? Because I want to steal her from you. Because I already have. My chest tightens. Irmãos para sempre. Right. I’m a monster.
“This can’t happen again, Lydia,” I say.
“Look, I get—”
“No! It can’t.” This time I’m the one pleading. It’s my eyes begging her to find me. To see my impossibilities and just fucking accept them because I’m so damn tired of fighting all the time.
Emotion settles in her eyes, and I have to look away. She doesn’t understand. How could she? This isn’t her fault. It’s mine. We both have high stakes, but mine are the ones that will break us.
“Please, if you care about me at all, you won’t make this harder,” I say.
Her teeth sink into her lower lip. “So, what? We’re just supposed to pretend we’re not obsessed with each other?”
I suck in a breath, completely on fire again. Just her words can incinerate me. “Yes.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know if I can do that, Xander. You think I haven’t been trying?”
I swallow my real response. “It’s not about can. It’s about must.”
She crosses her arms, the button of her jeans still hanging open. Deep violet lace peeks out, calling to me. I clench my jaw and take another step back.
“You don’t think I understand how hard this is? You make me explode, Xander. You make me not care about consequences for the first time in my life. My entire existence has been mapped by rules and you make me want to break every single one. What am I supposed to do with that?”
I shake my head, forcing in a ragged breath. “I never wanted that for you. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” She throws up her hands. “You know what? Fine. You win. We’ll pretend. We’ll play a game we both know we’ll lose. But you should also know that means I’ll be fantasizing about you every night. I’ll be imagining us together, remembering what you feel like and touching myself until I feel it again.”
Blood sears through me, pounding with each syllable.
Her gaze cuts into me. “When I look at you, that’s what I’ll be thinking. When I close my eyes, that’s what I’ll be seeing.”
Yes, it’s a game. But she’s wrong that we will lose; we’ve already lost. Can she read the truth in my face? In the way my body is straining for her again?
“I should go,” I manage in a low voice. “And I know you don’t want me to be sorry but I am. You deserve better than me.”
I turn and leave the small room while I still have a prayer of escape.
With my hoodie as a buffer I manage to get back to the bus to clean up and change without any drama. I lie to the guys about still not feeling well as I grab my guitar and head back out to find a place to write. The riot inside has become an all out war by the time I settle backstage, the one place I feel any sense of calm, like I still have a shred of control. Crewmembers are setting up for tonight, but they ignore me as I balance the guitar in my lap and start transferring the storm inside me to the strings. Lyrics that have been clawing through my brain since yesterday scratch their way to the surface. Not fluff like banal but daggers like stranded and stolen. More tumble out when I release the first two: searching, distance, hell…
Lydia’s face flashes in front of me, the taste of her still fresh on my tongue. Lost, breaking…
My left hand clenches around the neck of the guitar; my right drags the pick in a haunting rhythm. Soon stray chords gather to form a clear progression, the words flowing out to join them.
“The distance between us, a mile and a day.
Searching for you, I saw your light a second too late.”
It’s about her. I should have known. It’s always going to be about her from this point on. There’s no escape, no hope of finding a place where it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s my lot: I’m the one who can’t have so others can.
“I’d circle the earth for a stolen moment or two.
Clearly I’m lost now that I’ve found you.”
I blink against the pain knotting in my chest, ignoring the vibration of my phone in my pocket. I’m not ready to face them right now while I’m still so lost. My world crashing and spinning, everything too far out of reach, yet still close enough for me to break. And I have this time, haven’t I? Exploded the whole damn sky in my effort to hold it together with an invisible thread. It’s clear I only have one friend, one companion I can trust, and it’s resting obediently in my arms.
“I came north of hell to find you south of love.
You were flying high when I closed in, just not close enough.”
The words are screaming now. The melody ferocious and singularly focused on tearing through my heart. What will be left when it’s finished with me?
“I’m right here where you’re far,
Can you hear my breaking heart?”
I’ve spent my entire life holding up a fractured universe. Protecting those who deserved it and those who didn’t. Playing
the martyr with no hope of ever finding peace, ever having the freedom to take a clean breath. Tears burn in my throat as reality closes in, destroying my vocal cords until all I can do is whisper what’s left.
“How do I reach you
Always stranded south of love?”
I’ve been falling north for twenty-seven years. I don’t even know which way is up.
CHAPTER 16
LYDIA
Xander isn’t answering his phone, which doesn’t surprise me, but is going to be a problem considering we still have to work together. I try to suppress my grunt as I glare at the screen, determined not to blow my cover an hour after we agreed to keep our secret a secret. I hate how we left things, but there’s no fixing that now as I fight to pull myself together for this meeting. The others are staring at me, waiting for me to explain why I called them together.
“He’s not answering my texts either,” Matty says, placing his phone on the table with a shrug. “Just start. We can fill him in later.”
I nod and make a quick scan of my notes to center myself. “This will just take a sec, but I wanted to give you a heads up before tonight’s show. As you know we have some good momentum from the ‘Heaven Help Us’ video, and I want to keep it going. Limelight is huge right now, so your cover of their song is perfect timing. I’m bringing in an assistant and some better camera equipment for tonight’s show so we can get quality footage of your cover of ‘Jonas.’ I’ll edit it on the bus and get it up by morning. I’ll need you guys to be sharing it on your personal accounts as well, but for now, I just need you to give your performance everything you’ve got tonight.”
“We always do that,” Matty quips, his gaze clashing with mine.
I swallow and look away. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to imply you didn’t.”
An awkward silence follows. Matty accentuates it by clapping his hands together. “Great, so, thanks for the heads up. Anything else?”
I glance at him, watching as he crosses his arms impatiently. Why is he acting so weird? A chill rushes over my skin at his expression.
“No, I guess not. You’re free to go,” I say.
“You could’ve just messaged this to us,” he mutters, pushing up from the table.
“Dude,” Elliot says, smacking his arm. “What’s your problem?”
Matty rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh. “Nothing. Just tired.”
“It’s fine,” I say, closing my laptop. “There was more I wanted to review about a recent discussion I had with White Flame, but we should wait for Xander.”
“Good luck with that,” Matty says, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “He took his guitar which means he’s off writing somewhere.” Again, that look—almost a glare—directed at me.
“We’ll be on point tonight,” Liam promises me with a wink as he and Elliot disappear through the door to the back of the bus.
“Can I talk to you?” I ask Matty before he can follow.
“Sure,” he huffs, dropping back to his seat. “What’s up?”
I lean forward, studying him. “You tell me.”
He shrugs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“No? So this weird vibe I’m sensing from you is just in my head?”
“Nope. It’s weird,” he says.
I raise a brow, and a smile creeps over his lips.
“Okay…?” I draw out.
He sighs, resting his elbows on the table. “Fine. What’s going on between you and my brother?”
My heart stops, my lungs convulsing a bit in my chest. “What do you mean?”
He shrugs again, his gaze never wavering from my face. “I mean, since you and he have been spending a lot of time together, he’s been a fucking mess.”
I struggle to keep myself steady. It’s not easy when your insides are rocking like a sailboat in a hurricane. “This is all very stressful for him.”
He shakes his head. “Nah. I don’t buy it. I know my brother better than anyone, and Lex lives in a constant stress vacuum. Something’s wrong. Something beyond the normal shit he deals with.”
I look away, trying my best to project a calm front. “If you think that, why don’t you ask him what’s up?”
His eyes narrow. “Because he gives me the same bullshit answers you’re giving me now. I know you guys are lying to me. I think I know about what, but I want to hear you say it.”
I swallow, not sure how to respond. Which truth is worse? That I’m in love with his brother or that he’s being blackmailed by his mother and doesn’t even know it?
Matty blows out a long breath and smacks his hands on the table. “You know what? I just realized, I don’t actually give a shit. You two want to leave me out of whatever the hell’s going on, then do it. Just don’t expect me to care, okay? You hear me?” he says to his phone. What’s he doing? He starts typing. “I. Don’t. Fucking. Care,” he sounds out as he punches the words into the keypad.
“What did you just do?”
He waves his hand. “Freed my long-suffering brother from the burden of worrying about me.”
“What?”
“He wants to keep me in the dark and hover in the shadows alone? Fine. Then he can hover all he wants. He can be a freaking vampire for all I care.”
I feel sick as Matty mimics washing his hands of it all. Of the man who just sold himself to protect him. A protest burns in my throat, words Xander would never allow me to say, even if he were standing here watching what was happening. And suddenly I’m angry. Furious. Livid at Matty, at myself, at Xander for insisting he’s indestructible when he’s more cracked than all of us. How do you fix someone who doesn’t know they’re broken?
But mostly, I’m angry at her, Stacy, and this whole damn world that’s carved such a godawful path for these two boys.
“Yeah? Well, if you know him so well, then you also know there isn’t a better man on this planet than the one you’re writing off,” I snap, grabbing my laptop.
Matty flinches but doesn’t respond as I march away.
The next time I see Xander, he’s returned to an achingly beautiful and untouchable statue behind his drum kit. With the hard set of his jaw, you’d never know his entire world was blowing up around him. But I see it. I notice every nuance of his movements, the way he attacks his instrument with a desperation that has my heart beating fast and ripping open at the same time. It’s like I’m watching a drowning man thrashing for survival—and all I can do is observe through a camera lens. His torment is photography gold, though, and guilt filters through me at the callous thought. It’s just, there’s something otherworldly about him tonight, and when the guys cue up “Jonas,” I already know my entire focus will be on the drummer. My assistant can capture Matty and the rest of the band, but the pro in me knows the real magic will be happening on the short riser in the back.
“Little light of mine. Flicker, flicker burn, until I learn to slay the ghost of hope, the fucking joke you’ve made of me.
Little friend of mine. Don’t be kind when you grind our past into lasting crimes that might just be the end of me.”
Matty croons the famous lyrics with a cocky indifference that songwriter Jesse Everett would definitely approve of. But where the original version is an innovative blend of alternative rock and EDM, my boys have added their distinctive Brazilian flair with a layer of complex percussion underneath. It almost sounds like there are two versions of the song playing at once, even though I know from rehearsals there’s no percussion in the track the guys built to fill in the EDM element. The rest is all played live, including the seductive rhythm that has the audience pulsing with energy. This is all Xander who’s once again redefining what’s possible. I’ve never heard anything like it, and my chest flutters in anticipation of the world’s reaction to their genius tomorrow. I can already sense the breakthrough.
“Traitor. Fool me once.
Traitor. Fool me twice.
That knife you hold is so damn pretty.
How’s it l
ook in my back? Hey hey”
My favorite part of the song is when it breaks down into a mesmerizing drum solo for the prechorus. The boys’ samba roots shine and get the entire room moving in their percussive current until the band comes all-in on the chorus. Swaying becomes jumping, crooning becomes a violent spitting of lyrics that coils stomachs and clenches hearts. Matty has something extra tonight as well, and for most of the song I think it’s because he knows we’re filming.
“My reaction time is lacking
No backtracking now that you’ve got me on the prowl
Hey hey
I’m looking at you, traitor, faker, promise-breaker,
Re-arranger of the lies we’ve tried to bury
Hey hey
I’m looking at you, pretender, mender, truth-blender
Defender of the game I thought we ended
Yeah, yeah, I’m looking at you.”
But it’s not the camera guiding Matty’s passion tonight. When he casts a direct look at his brother during the final chorus of this ode to betrayal, my stomach lurches in a sharp ache. It takes my breath away as I finally glimpse the true cost of Xander’s love.
Everyone else is in their bunks for our night drive to Delaware. I’m in the front lounge editing the video. The videographer I hired did a fantastic job, which is making my life much easier now. With my earbuds in and the riveting energy of the footage, I quickly get lost in the music. I’m so absorbed, I don’t notice the figure until he’s practically seated beside me.
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