MEGAN RAPINOE
Patron Saint of Demanding More
When Megan Rapinoe helped lead the US Women’s Soccer team to victory at the 2019 World Cup, she obviously (and awesomely) celebrated her and her team’s well-deserved win, but she also took that time with her newfound popularity and elevated platform to call out the huge pay disparity between herself and her male counterparts. She and her team sued the US Soccer Federation for equal pay, and she refused to back down on that or any of her other strong-willed opinions. Summon your inner Soccer Goddess when you need to demand more—whether it’s also a pay raise, a promotion, or just to be treated better by those around you. If you need to have your voice be heard, the spirit of Megan is the exact right one to count on. Mantra: “Do what you can. Do what you have to do.”
KRIS JENNER
Patron Saint of Cunning Schemes
No matter what you think of the Kardashian Klan or their matriarch, one thing can’t be denied: the devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder. Kris took what was a humiliating, awful moment for her daughter, whose privacy was invaded via sex tape, and somehow, a decade or so later, has a multichild, multibillion-dollar empire to show for it. She’s the Best-Known Momager in the entire world (and rightly so) and always has a few (dozen) tricks up her sleeves and schemes cooking away. Shakespeare said that all the world’s a stage, but Kris Jenner knows it’s actually a chessboard, and she’s somehow purchased every single piece on it, able to move each one at her will. Kall on Kris (hmmm, do I smell a future spin-off series in which Kris Jenner gives advice? Yes?!) when you need to be at your absolute best, when you need to scheme and plot and plan and get things done, one way or another. To be fair, I wouldn’t recommend utilizing Kris too often, but sometimes she’s just the woman to get things done. Mantra: “Be ready to pivot on a dime.”
IX. The Brochure
Once upon a time, I created a (fake!) brochure to hand out at my cousin’s wedding. It covered FAQs about my job and life in NYC, and it included reasons as to why I was single, all of which were true to me and my life. When I tweeted it out, multiple people asked if I could make a brochure for them. While I can’t do that, I can give you the template to make your own.
WHO’S THAT GIRL: CREATE YOUR OWN BROCHURE
It can be absolutely nerve-racking in many ways when you’re single and forced to mingle, and you have to do it at an event with people you haven’t seen in a really long time. You’ve probably changed a lot, they’ve probably changed a lot, and you’re inevitably prepping yourself to answer the same basic (yet somehow also invasive) questions over and over again.
You’re a polite, reasonable person and you understand that this is the inherent nature of the little evil known as “small talk,” but knowing that doesn’t necessarily remove the anxiety you might feel over it.
Wouldn’t it be easier, you think to yourself, if you could just give everyone some kind of FAQ sheet like the kind you devour every time your iPhone starts acting up again? It would, and while that still isn’t a socially acceptable thing to actually do, it’s fun to dream (or at the very least, plan/think about your answers so you’re not just spewing out incoherent sentences only to obsess about them for the next several days).
Here’s a template to get you started, although obviously, in the words of Amy Poehler in Baby Mama, “I don’t know your life!” So adjust as needed.
JOB FAQs
What do you do again?
My advice: keep it as short and simple as possible, because you know that they’re only asking to be polite and will inevitably forget your answer five minutes after you walk away from them/after the second glass of wine hits their bloodstream.
Doesn’t it have to do with [insert general misconception about your profession here]?
Before you make an Arthur-clenched-fist, take a deep breath and a sip of whatever you’re drinking, alcoholic or not, before you answer. You feel like you answer this question constantly, and you do, but it is too early in the night to lose it now. Deep breaths!
Your mom recently told me that [mangled version of a story that you told your mom several months ago]. Is this true?
If your mom passive-aggressively bugs you as to why you don’t call often, make sure you use this story as an example.
My son/daughter/niece/next-door neighbor is interested in what you do. Can I give them your number so they can call you and ask about your job?
Listen, it’s up to you to figure out how generous you want to be here. Maybe an email would be better, because lord knows the last thing you want is to be stuck on the phone as you reiterate these exact same answers to a total stranger for forty-five minutes.
LIVING FAQs
How’s living in [city]?
What else can you say besides “great!” here? If you hate it, I suppose you could be honest, but inevitably you know what the follow-up question is going to be, and do you really want to give the questioner the satisfaction of confirming all of their prejudices against your home-away-from-home? Out of spite, the only correct answer here is: absolutely not.
I’ve heard that living in [city] is so [insert negative stereotype here]. How do you stand it?
Whew, doesn’t that get your blood boiling! You can just tell that if someone phrases a question like this, they’re fishing for a specific answer, and you’re not going to give it to them! Feel free to lie through your teeth here if you need to, just to not give them the satisfaction.
Where do you live again? What landmark are you by?
Honestly, again, you could make up a neighborhood and landmark, particularly if this person isn’t familiar with the area in which you live. I promise they won’t remember at all, so who cares.
Do you ever see [insert tourist trap/landmark here]?
We all know the answer is: of course not.
We were just there several years ago. If we’re ever in the area again, we should catch up!
Your generosity is up to you, but there’s nothing wrong with being polite and noncommittal!
Acknowledgments
A single person may be, well, single, but even they are no island, and this particular single person was fortunate enough to have nearly an entire country’s worth of people who helped create this book, both logistically and emotionally.
First and foremost, I must thank the two other members of the triumvirate of this book: my agent, Jon Michael Darga, and my editor, Lara Jones. When my brochure tweet went viral, I was pretty content to passively run out my twenty seconds of fame, but they were the ones who thought I had something special on my hands and encouraged me to turn it into a book. I’ll always fondly treasure the memories of our impromptu initial FaceTime brainstorming sessions as we frantically typed ideas into a shared Google doc as fast as our mouths moved. People warn you about doing business with your friends, but it’s probably because most people don’t have friends and partners like these two. There’s no one else I would want to have at my side for this process, which you’ve made so easy and smooth with your brilliance and dedication.
Thank you to the entire team at Atria; working with you all has been phenomenal. I’ve learned so much and have been consistently impressed with your commitment. The executive team of publisher Libby McGuire, associate publisher Suzanne Donahue, editorial director Lindsay Sagnette, and director of integrated marketing Kristin Fassler have been so supportive. The dynamic duo of publicist Megan Rudloff and marketing manager Isabel DaSilva are truly a dream team. Books that read so perfectly and are laid out so nicely don’t come out of thin air: this particular book came from the managing editorial and production teams consisting of managing editor Paige Lytle, assistant managing editor Jessie McNeil, and production manager Jim Thiel. And because people really do judge a book by its cover, I could not be more thankful that I had art director James Iacobelli and associate art director Laywan Kwan making sure I had the most beautiful package (inside and out!) possible, courtesy of illustrator Ella Laytham and interior designer Dana Sl
oan. I especially appreciated their patience when I kept making cover adjustments—thanks for indulging this perfectionist!
Without the support of the abovementioned publishing team, this book would be nothing, but without the support of my family and friends, I would be nothing.
To my parents, Mike and Chris Croce, thank you for always letting me be myself, for guiding me but never stifling me, even though I’m sure there were many, many times you pondered how on earth could you have possibly produced me because we’re all so different from one another. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be so self-actualized and well-adjusted if it weren’t for you always giving me a safe space to grow and learn and figure out who I was for myself.
To my brothers, John and Ryan, please know that I’m forever grateful that I’m a single person but not a single child, no matter what kind of “No John/Ryan Allowed” signs I used to tape to my bedroom door. I’m so proud to be your big sister. Thanks for always keeping me humble, but having my back, anyway.
To my grandparents, Mel and Ellen Char, thank you both for truly being my biggest fans. Grandpa, you always believed I would write and publish a book more than I believed it myself, and, despite my sizable ego, that unwavering belief helped me more than I could say. Grandma, I don’t think there’s a better cheerleader than you out there—who else would follow along with their granddaughter’s tweets, forward her tiny letter to friends, and shamelessly brag about her at every opportunity to every person she meets?
And, because I’m sure people are wondering, I do not literally have an Aunt Carol. Instead, I’m lucky enough to have a delightful extended family of many uncles, aunties, and cousins. Particular thanks to the always-supportive Char, Johnson, and Ryser families.
To all of my Macmillan Children’s coworkers, who the brochure was inspired by, I’ve so appreciated your unwavering excitement and support. I especially want to thank the Scheme Team: Katie Halata, Kristen Luby, and Cierra Bland. Teamwork really does make the scheme dream work. And Katie has been the absolute best momager a girl could ask for—sorry, Kardashian and Jenner kids, you can’t have her!
Single life is so sweet when you have friends like mine. What gems you all are! Thank you to the “Storehouse Squad”: Tiara Kittrell, Grace Rosean, Heather Job, Rachel Murray, Teresa Ferraiolo, Caitlin Crocker, Jessica Anderson, and Mark Podesta. I wouldn’t have lasted all these years in NYC without you, and I wouldn’t ever want to try. Thank you to Emily Weaver, my near-birthday twin and fellow Scorpio: it’s been an honor to grow up in our twenties together, through college and across the country, and I’m sure our thirties will be equally spectacular (but with less mimosas). And thank you to: Felicia Deng, Michael Diana, Emily DuVal, Aimee Fleck, Brieana Garcia, Chelsea Greenslitt, Caitlin Kidder, Tara Kumar, Danielle Lucero, Summer Ogata, Will Rhino, Alexis Sattler, Katie Schmidt, and Jenn Tapler. Near or far, I am so fortunate to have you all in my life.
Jon and Lara, I know I’ve already thanked you two, but you were my friends before you were my agent and editor, and I can do what I want here (within word count), so I’m thanking you again as my friends. Jon Darga, how lucky am I that we found each other in this simulation: the Cristina Yang to my Cristina Yang. I’m honored to be a part of such an incredibly powerful friendship, one that neither Jarnfs nor distance can touch. I can’t wait to see what universes we create and what else we’ll achieve. Lara Jones, most people wish that their friendships/roommate-ships were as solid as ours, and filled with as much laughter, made-up songs, and Miss Fisher, and why wouldn’t they? From the ’Schwick to South Slope, I couldn’t ask for a better platonic wife-4-life. Again: thank you, thank you, thank you to you both, the Birdo and Waluigi, respectively, to my Rosalina. A match made in both Mario Kart and real-world heaven.
Completely pivoting, I want to thank my enemies and haters, because sometimes forgiveness is overrated and spite can be a very productive motivator when working toward your dreams. I won’t name names because they’re not worth the word count, but I would particularly like to recognize a former social studies teacher who spent one lesson telling my class that we would never change the world and that our names would all be forgotten in a hundred years. Well, sir, this book might not make me generationally famous, but it—and subsequently my name—are going into the Library of Congress, where you certainly won’t be. (My lesson to you: a Scorpio never forgets.)
(That said, genuinely, thank you to the many teachers and librarians I had who were wonderful and encouraging. I was extremely lucky in that the good ones outweighed the bad.)
My inner conscience, which tends to sound like my parents, is telling me to wrap this up (Mom) and on a positive note (Dad), so I’ll say lastly, thank you to everyone who related to, liked, retweeted, and commented on that infamous brochure tweet. It’s wild to think about, but truly, none of this would’ve happened without you scrolling and tapping on that little heart. I little-heart you, too.
About the Author
MELISSA CROCE is a Pacific Northwest native who left her beloved rainy region behind to work in children’s publishing in New York. When she’s not working, she can be found sleeping, reading tarot cards, watching hockey games, and spending way too much time on the internet, which is how Single and Forced to Mingle initially came to be. You can find her on Twitter @MelissaCroce.
SimonandSchuster.com
www.SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Melissa-Croce
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Notes
For All Your Single-Life Rants and Raves
An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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Copyright © 2020 by Melissa Croce
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First Atria Books hardcover edition January 2021
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Cover design and illustration by Ella Laytham
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Croce, Melissa, author.
Title: Single and forced to mingle : a guide for (nearly) any socially awkward situation / Melissa Croce.
Description: First Atria Books hardcover edition. | New York : Atria Books, 2020. | Summary: “A laugh-out-loud, tongue-in-cheek guidebook filled with hilarious and helpful advice-from how to dodge family members’ unwanted questions about babies to successfully creating a fake partner during wedding season-for anyone trying to survive and thrive in the midst of singledom”—Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020033733 (print) | LCCN 2020033734 (ebook) | ISBN 9781982144340 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781982144357 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Single people—Life skills guides. | Single people—Humor. | Interpersonal relations.
Classification: LCC HQ800 .C888 2020 (print) | LCC HQ800 (ebook) | DDC 646.7/0086/52—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020033733
/> LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020033734
ISBN 978-1-9821-4434-0
ISBN 978-1-9821-4435-7 (ebook)
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