by Holly Martin
But Skye had given up on that. By spending the rest of her life with Jesse in this weird, secret, long-distance friends-with-benefits arrangement, she had basically decided that she would never have children. Jesse wasn’t going to give her that so, unless she moved on with someone else, she would never have one. A choice between a lifetime without Jesse or never having a child was a choice she didn’t want to make. But this… shadow of a relationship wasn’t working, they both knew that. Maybe it was time to move on, start a family with someone else. Though, god, the thought of being with someone who wasn’t Jesse made her feel sick.
‘What contraception are you using right now?’ Dr Lomax went on, completely unaware that she was opening a huge can of worms.
Jesse cleared his throat. ‘Umm, just condoms.’
‘Well that’s the best thing to use if you want to try for a baby. With the pill you’d have to wait a few months before the effects of the drugs were out of Skye’s system, and with the coil or the implant you’d have to go through the process of having them removed. With a condom, you could just decide to not use one the next time you have sex and then see what happens, rather than officially trying for a baby. It takes the pressure off a little.’
God, this was painfully awkward. Skye glanced at Jesse; this was so weird having him here for this.
‘We, umm… could do that,’ Jesse was saying, clearly not ready to tell Dr Lomax that they had a purely sexual relationship, there was no plan for any babies. ‘Although I would really want to wait until we got the all-clear from this study. I wouldn’t want to do anything that might harm Skye.’
Skye smiled slightly, her heart filling for him. Although it was probably an excuse to put off going home and start making a baby straightaway, nonetheless her heart melted at his compassion and concern for her.
Dr Lomax nodded. ‘While it’s true that ectopic pregnancies are a cause for miscarriage and that can be dangerous to the mother of the baby, what Skye described to me about her miscarriages did not sound like that. The symptoms would be very different. There is no reason to believe that Skye would have a pregnancy that would be harmful to her. But I understand your desire to wait.’
Skye decided to move this along before Dr Lomax encouraged them to start coming up with baby names for their fictional baby.
‘So what do you need from us… I mean, me, today?’ Skye said.
‘Blood mainly but it would be good to take that from both of you so we can rule out any possible problems from either parent. Jesse, it would also be good to have a sperm sample from you. Obviously not today, but I can make an appointment for you to—’
‘That won’t be necessary,’ Skye said quickly. God, this was getting worse. Jesse was not going to give a sperm sample purely to go along with this charade. ‘Jesse has a daughter so I doubt he has anything wrong with him.’
‘Although when I was younger, my girlfriend fell pregnant and later she lost the baby, so that could easily have been my fault,’ Jesse said.
‘It would be good to check the quality of the sperm,’ Dr Lomax said. ‘I’m sure everything is fine in that department but it would be sensible to cover all bases.’
Jesse nodded seriously. ‘I go back to Canada in just under two weeks.’
Skye stared at him incredulously. Why was he going along with all this?
‘That’s OK, I can arrange an appointment for you before then,’ Dr Lomax said, writing down some notes. ‘Right, let’s get started on the blood and then we can go from there.’
Jesse dutifully rolled his sleeve up.
Skye let her head fall in her hands. What was going on?
‘Feeling queasy about needles?’ Dr Lomax asked her, cheerfully.
Skye looked up as Dr Lomax wrapped a band around Jesse’s arm. ‘Queasy is one way to describe what I’m feeling right now.’
‘What the hell was that?’ Skye rounded on Jesse as soon as they got out of the doctor’s surgery.
‘Well I’m not sure. I was trying to be supportive but now it looks like I’ve committed to putting my men in a little cup. This holiday is proving to be thoroughly enjoyable,’ Jesse said, wryly.
They walked down onto the beach away from the villagers and tourists who were milling about the streets, peering through shop windows and taking pictures of everything. The sun was shining, sparkling over the turquoise waves, but Skye barely saw it. She’d had a moment of clarity in the doctor’s surgery and she didn’t like it.
Jesse pulled her to a stop, his hands on her shoulders.
‘I’m so sorry you went through all of that, the miscarriages, Oliver’s awful treatment of you, having to relive it all over again for the doctor. I wish I could have protected you from all of that.’
She looked up at his lovely face and stroked her hand across his cheek. ‘Life isn’t fair.’
‘It isn’t.’
‘If it was fair, we’d have met years ago, before Ginny messed you up spectacularly, before Oliver, then neither of us would be carrying so much baggage.’ She looked away over the sea, swallowing the raw pain at the back of her throat. ‘I was so scared that I would come here today and have hope taken away from me but that’s exactly what happened.’
He frowned. ‘You don’t know that. These tests will be able to tell us if anything is wrong. If having children is important to you, then I don’t want you to give up on that. You’re still young, you could try again.’
‘It wasn’t hope of having a baby I lost today, it was hope of ever having a proper relationship with you.’
His frown deepened. ‘What?’
‘I sat in there and kept thinking that this was all fake. Discussions about trying for a baby, testing us to see if we both can conceive. It doesn’t matter what those results are because that is never going to happen for us. When we were married and we were happy together, I thought you might tell Bea after a few months that things had changed between us, that we were giving it a go, but you never did. And then we divorced and it broke my heart. But you still wanted to carry on seeing each other and I clung to you because I didn’t want to let you go. Because being with you in secret was better than not being with you at all. I held onto the hope that at some point you would tell Bea and we could be together properly again, but it’s been two and half years since we divorced and we’re still no closer to being together as a real couple and I don’t know why. I can only assume you don’t feel for me what I feel for you, or that it’s just sex – why tell Bea when all we have is great sex? As we said before, this isn’t working. It’s hurting Bea and I hate that. She sees us together, she confuses friendship for love and thinks we’re going to get back together again. She’s pinning her hopes on that and I hate that we’re letting her down. It’s not fair.’
Skye looked down, picking at a loose thread on her t-shirt so she wouldn’t have to see his face.
‘And it hurts me,’ she went on. ‘Every single time we’re together, it hurts that you’re not actually mine and never will be. And I don’t want to live like this any more. You should be with someone you would be proud to bring home to Bea and tell her this is the woman you love. But, right now, this weird, friends-with-benefits arrangement is holding both of us back from moving on. I think I need to let you go.’
‘Skye, I don’t want anyone else—’
She looked up. ‘But… you don’t want me either.’
‘Of course I do. It’s just… complicated.’ Jesse stared at her, emotions warring in his eyes. ‘Is this because you want a baby?’
Skye shook her head. ‘I do want children, but if I never had that and I had you by my side for the rest of my life, I’d be ridiculously happy. I had the perfect life when I was married to you, I didn’t want anything more, but this half-life is not enough, for either of us. I want more.’
‘We could… try for a baby,’ Jesse said.
She felt a bubble of hysterical laughter burst from her throat.
‘Jesse, how would that even work? I’d move back to Canada bu
t we’d live separately? Or you’d move here and we’d hide the baby in a cupboard every time Bea was around?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘Or maybe we’d tell Bea that the stork brought the baby, but we’re going to raise the baby together,’ Skye said, sarcastically.
‘I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know how it would work. I just want to make you happy.’
She felt her heart soften and she reached up to touch his face.
‘I want that life with you, I really do. Me, you, Bea and a baby of our own. But I have learned a lesson from my relationship with Oliver and I only want to bring a baby into the world if I’m part of a loving relationship. I can’t go through that again.’
‘I’m not Oliver.’
‘No, but the realisation that you don’t feel that way for me hurts just the same.’ She took a step towards him, resting her hands over his heart. ‘I love you, I always have and I probably always will. And I don’t know why I never told you this when we were still married, or even if it would have made any difference.’ She suppressed a small sob. ‘You are a wonderful man, and I feel so incredibly lucky that I have had you in my life for so long, but you deserve to have a proper relationship with someone amazing and being with me is stopping you from having that. I need to let you go.’
He didn’t say anything, but when he spoke, his voice was broken. ‘Is this what you really want?’
‘Of course it isn’t, I want you here, I want a proper relationship, but I think this is for the best. When you leave here after a pudding parade, we draw a line under our relationship once and for all.’
‘Skye…’
She reached up and kissed him and he immediately wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back, holding her tight against him as if he never wanted to let her go. If only that were true.
She pulled back slightly.
‘I don’t want to fight with you any more. Let’s just enjoy the next few days and then, when you leave, we can say goodbye as friends.’ She looked at her watch, needing to get away from him right then. ‘I better go, I’ll catch you later.’
She leaned up to kiss him again briefly and then turned and walked away, knowing it was the hardest thing she’d ever have to do.
Jesse watched her walk off the beach, feeling like his whole world had been upended. He’d thought he’d felt bad when Ginny had left, when he’d found out she had been having an affair for several years – he’d thought he’d hit an all-time low. But this was so much worse than that.
What had he done?
He had been trying to protect Bea but in reality he knew that was only part of it, he had also been trying to protect himself. He had failed spectacularly on both counts and now he had hurt Skye and he hated that.
She loved him.
God, would it have made a difference if he’d known that before the divorce? All of the decisions he’d made about Skye had been based on a stupid wrong opinion that she was flighty. He cursed himself that he’d never taken the time to find out why she had spent so many years running, why her marriage had ended so soon after it had started. Would it have been different had he not thought that of her? Would he have been brave enough to take a chance with her? Or would it not have made a difference; would the scars of his past have still held him back?
He swallowed down a lump of emotion that was burning the back of his throat.
He couldn’t lose her. She’d said that he deserved someone wonderful but he needed to be the man that she deserved.
Skye walked into Aria’s office and was gratified to see that Clover was in there too. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it. Aria and Clover looked at her in confusion.
Skye frowned as she tried to find the words.
‘I’ve sort of… just broken up with Jesse, for good this time. Once he leaves here after the pudding parade, we’re never going to see each other again.’ Her voice wobbled as she said it aloud.
‘What?’ Aria said in disbelief.
‘No!’ Clover said.
‘I know, but the last few days, I realised we were on different paths.’ She let out a hollow laugh. ‘He actually offered to have a baby with me and I knew we couldn’t carry on with this any longer.’
‘Wait, back up,’ Clover said. ‘He wants to try for a baby and you broke up with him? Doesn’t that mean you’d be together properly? You’ve always wanted children and you’ve wanted to be a family with Jesse ever since you divorced. Isn’t this what you want?’
‘No, he’s not offering me a proper relationship, which is what I want more than anything else. We still wouldn’t be together. He’s quite happy to carry on as we are now, meeting up for sex every few months, keeping us a secret.’
‘So what? You’d raise the baby on your own?’ Aria said. ‘I expected more of Jesse.’
Skye sighed. ‘I honestly don’t think he’d thought it through. We just…’ She paused. She didn’t want to tell them she’d been talking to Dr Lomax to see if she had anything wrong with her that would stop her from having children. She didn’t want Clover to worry. ‘I’d told him about my miscarriages and how heartbreaking it was and I think he thought he could fix it for me by giving me a baby. And it finally hit home. I’ve been holding out for him to take that step with me, hoping that one day we’d be together properly, and today I realised that’s never going to happen. And I deserve more than this.’
‘But… You guys are meant to be together forever,’ Clover said.
Skye shook her head, finding it hard to hold back the tears. ‘I really don’t think we are. What we have isn’t working. We can’t continue this stupid secret relationship for the rest of our lives. He deserves more than that, and so do I. I told him I had to let him go.’
‘Why won’t he just tell Bea that you’re together? She wants that anyway,’ Aria said.
‘Because this isn’t a long-term relationship for him.’
‘Five years is pretty long-term,’ Clover said.
‘OK, not a proper relationship then. We have great sex and we’re friends, but this isn’t serious. If we told Bea, she’d think we were getting married again and Jesse doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want forever with me.’
Aria and Clover stared at her in disbelief.
‘He loves you, I know he does,’ Clover said.
Aria nodded. ‘Whatever reason he is holding back, it isn’t because he doesn’t love you.’
Skye shook her head as she sank down into a chair. ‘I told him I loved him. He never said it back.’
‘Maybe because he’s scared,’ Clover suggested.
‘Of what?’ Skye said, in exasperation.
‘Of Bea getting hurt, of getting hurt himself?’ Clover said. ‘I don’t know, but there is something deeper going on here. No one travels halfway across the world three or four times a year just for sex. Jesse is a good-looking guy, I’m sure he can get plenty of that at home.’
‘We’re good friends,’ Skye said, knowing as she said it that it was a feeble reason for his frequent visits. The hope that she had lost minutes before started flickering back to life. Maybe Clover had a point.
‘I’m sure he has plenty of friends at home too,’ Aria said.
‘OK, if you’re right, what do I do?’ Skye said.
‘Well, you don’t back down for a start,’ Aria said. ‘This had to come to a head at some point and you’re right, you deserve so much better than all this secrecy and lies.’
Skye squirmed. Jesse wasn’t a bad guy. She knew a lot of this was an attempt to protect Bea from getting hurt and she couldn’t hate him for that.
‘But he now has less than two weeks to think about never seeing you again and what that will actually be like,’ Aria went on. ‘So enjoy these last few days together, and make sure he does too, show him what he’ll be missing.’
Skye nodded. She’d certainly planned to carry on as normal for the remainder of his stay. Make the most of the time they had left.
‘Or… yo
u could actually talk to him,’ Clover said. ‘Ask him if he loves you and if he’s really ready to say goodbye.’
‘I can’t ask him if he loves me, I don’t want to hear the answer to that.’
‘But at least you’d know for sure,’ Clover said. ‘You can never really move on from him if you’re still wondering about that. At least try to talk to him about this. What you have is too important to give up without a fight.’
Clover was right; Skye needed to talk this through with him.
‘You could ask him if he’d come here for a year, give things a proper go,’ Aria said.
‘Yes, it has to be here,’ Clover said, placing a hand on her belly. ‘Your niece or nephew needs their aunt.’
‘As does Orla,’ Aria said.
‘I don’t want to do the emotional blackmail thing, but I honestly cannot imagine having this baby without you here,’ Clover said.
‘I can’t imagine you doing that either, I want to be here, for both of you,’ Skye said. ‘I will talk to him. And have lots of sex too.’
Aria laughed. ‘Well, I like Clover’s idea better, but I think there’s room for both.’
‘Oh yes,’ Clover said. ‘There’s always room for sex in your negotiations.’
Skye smiled slightly. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’
Chapter Twelve
The lunchtime rush had been busy as always and it filled Skye’s heart to see the customers enjoying themselves as they built their own desserts, choosing from the multiple flavours of ice cream and toppings. Having her own dessert café had always been her dream. She loved experimenting with different puddings and combining flavours that normally wouldn’t be seen together. Her passion had always been to create different-flavoured ice creams and all of that had come together here at Cones at the Cove.
Jesse had turned up at the beginning of lunch and immediately, and without Skye even asking, had started helping out in the kitchen, making the pancakes and waffles and other desserts that the customers had requested. He was a wonderful cook. Whereas her speciality lay firmly in ice creams, Jesse had a whole repertoire of wonderful cakes and desserts to his name. Skye had spent years learning her trade at various courses and colleges but Jesse was completely self-taught. One of her favourite things about having him here alongside her in the kitchen was watching him work his magic and explore his passion for food. It was a joy to see, although it hurt, knowing his trip here could be the last time she saw him.