by Candice Iloh
DUTTON BOOKS
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York
Copyright © 2020 by Candice Iloh
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
Dutton is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.
Visit us online at penguinrandomhouse.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
Ebook ISBN 9780525556213
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Jacket illustration © 2020 by Rachelle Baker
Cover design by Maggie Edkins
pid_prh_5.6.0_c0_r0
For all my wondering, questioning,
and dreaming little sisters/sibs feeling your way
through everything so you can be and do what you want
in this world. For the first-gen kids. For the young queers.
For the dancers and wannabe dancers. For the survivors.
For all of us who needed to change our mind.
For baby Me.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Graduation Day
Just look at me
Here’s the scene: I’m seventeen and graduating
Mama fidgets
We pull into my high school’s parking lot
My name is Ada
How hard could it be to
Dad smiles for his final picture with me
After the pictures are done
Mama looks back at me
Some kids grew up coming home
To keep tabs on me like that
Mama and I both forget
From upstairs I can hear Dad’s car door slam
I run from my room
Mama shouldn’t be here
She already answered this herself
Away from the party on this drive to the train station
The first thing I do after everyone is gone
Dad says having money brings peace
Right now
My hands hold
The next morning I trash the empty envelopes
I am gone again
Dad didn’t know much about when I worked
At age four dance hadn’t been free
When you get too big to be carried
How can I tell Dad
He will not understand the way I feel
Summer Before College
And I command satan to flee
Dad squeezes my hand and I know I will not miss
Dad no longer needs to know all my plans
Safety (safe·ty)
The lights dim
When people talk about college
I didn’t have to think to pray
When the first Sunday away came around
Growing up my dad would pray
Middle School
A week into the sixth grade Dad says
We can see this new church
To get inside
It’s clear we’ll stay here
The pastor rises to lead
I had never questioned
Words are powerful
The pastor sits for the choir’s last song
Dad catches me like this
After service
The dancers were the last
On this night the stillness of my bedsheets
My eyelids don’t seem able to meet each other
For her toes
But what pro takes this long
I am sketching and shading
I make the mistake
You want to be grown
Dad bends
I’m ready
And father god protect Ada from distraction
Dad clears his throat
College
The first week is supposed to be anything but serious
Feels like it takes the whole four years
Watching her lick her lips as if she could taste
After like the tenth boy I leave
Except here everybody’s black
Ada (Aah-dah!)
Back in high school
I didn’t walk around with a cheesy smile
When sitting by yourself
Sixth Grade
The sixth grade is a strange time.
I discovered sixth grade also meant real freedom
The living room became my perfect stage
I didn’t think about the neighbors
As I stand on the inside of our front door
My still-trembling fingers
Nothing is wrong except
After I’ve closed the door behind me
Dad works in mysterious ways to protect me
Forever?
I don’t know why
Aunty’s arrival brings every new thing
Friday morning I learn
Aunty thanks god in the doorway
Aunty’s pidgin English
I rush to hug her
The first time Aunty cooked stockfish in our house
Baby whimpers under Aunty’s squeeze
On the second day Aunty makes it known that nothing is safe
And her first project is me:
I made the terrible mistake
Hide
I had learned I couldn’t hide
Today Aunty acts like
So you think your fahdah
I’ve never talked to Aunty
But what I discover now
I’d thought hiding it underneath
I look up at Aunty
Back upstairs and in my room-not-room
An hour later I rise
In this house
The sixth grade was already impossible
At school I was the funny black girl
Sometimes when I’m alone
College
I leave the cafeteria unseen just in time
I technically can’t be late to anything yet
On the walls of a college campus
Dad said he would send me money
The dance department is too close
I’m making sure I’m not seen here
In high school I had overheard the girls at church
I don’t know what you’re supposed to do
Dad always used to say that I don’t know where my mouth is
We couldn’t have been staring
I don’t think I’ve ever turned
Too many things creep into my dreams
I’d never done it before
I heard
9:00 AM is when they told me to be here
Fifteen minutes later the questions are over
Before I can take this back
There are things they tell you get easier with time
No one told me
Down
there
First Grade
Ever since I could remember
It was okay
What was with adults
But this dust was a boy
After that night I don’t like
Days later Daddy drops me off at Granny’s again
My daddy never said
Second Grade
Tonight Daddy and I enter
The eighth floor
There are two couches
Daddy gives my hands a quick
Before I can cry
The way Doctor Matthew smiles
There is nothing in this room
I had dropped Daddy’s hand
And I wonder if I can say no
I try to make sense
Who is this Doctor Matthew
Little girl how does that make you feel
Your daddy told me
But instead my chest begins
This becomes a back-and-forth
Daddy and the stupid doctor
College
Standing in the doorway back in my dorm room
We always say amen at the end of prayer
To the boys
Getting a job was one step on my way
My first day
The first guy
The moments would seem so right
I didn’t see him coming
His stupid smile
And I guess it wasn’t that bad to not be in control
But to be chosen by someone
Dad claimed to know
I didn’t know I could find better
To please a boy
He says
Reach
A chance is all I’ve ever wanted
The days I tried
I didn’t know what boys wanted
I already knew I was nothing like
First Grade
Daddy never lied about Mommy
She doesn’t live far from us
Things I could do at Mommy’s house
The truth was that sometimes
Three days visiting became enough
Mommy could not put her hands where she hurt
Going back to Daddy’s house
College
It’s a month into my first semester
Class gets out early today
Where you runnin to
I’d be ready to turn the other way again
Before I can squeeze out a full apology
Name: Kendra
I guess it’s my heart
Second Grade
Back in the second grade I knew better
To give this game a name
On our way back we would pass
The class would sometimes
In the late months of spring
Survival in my neighborhood
Our apartment
Daddy had never known
College
Laying on my back in Derek’s room
Kissing is the best thing
I had never been in a real relationship
Be ye not
I have never really seen my parents together
Second Grade
Daddy has a new girlfriend
When fathers get new girlfriends
Suddenly it seems like
She has now been here for a week
You see that
I have seen my mother
Adults never think
The next morning
We meet in the bathroom
And I don’t even get a chance
On the drive back to the airport
When we get back home under my mattress
I know the doctor and Daddy
College
I just love the way I feel
So why do you think
Because they’re dumb
You don’t pay
Kendra had a point
I mean come on, now
All right, all right
She’s now got her feet on my bed
Sixth Grade
Today I don’t care
Pulling up to my mama’s driveway
But Mama and I are not alone
I almost forgot
I know the smell
Mama’s thigh moves
They seem to be laughing
And I go along with it
When we’ve been seated
I understand
I don’t notice the silence
No one can really escape
Before a storm there is always peace
Jay is now back out
I know better
College
So do you wanna go or what?
Oh-uhh-yeah
The party starts at eleven
She’s stopped thumbing
Twelfth Grade
I’ve named her Magic
I played around a lot
The truth is
And in my dreams of course
She asks me why I brought her here
I know
What you may not know is this:
College
They call me by every name
You’d swear they’d never
Ayo! I’m only gon let you call my girl shorty once
Practice somehow ends
If you want to get first dibs
Son, that was the corniest shit
I don’t know if it’s Sophia
I hear fast steps
Come on, Slim, slow down
Kendra says I should meet her on the yard
She’s sitting on the steps
It’s harder to close out the world
A thick cloud
In my mind
Look who it is
It couldn’t have been
Elliot throws up the Black Power fist
She opens her eyes
Minutes later
We’re snapped back
Are you thirsty
Before Derek and Sophia had walked through
Why didn’t you
Both of us
We stop at the corner
Kendra knows the way
Seventh Grade
Aunty bends over
Aunty extends a hand
Tonight is Aunty’s last few hours
Aunty
College
My phone buzzes early
Getting off the bus
Kendra’s favorite dance teacher
His name is Torion
After leading us through the long warm-up
Watching Kendra
I’ve gotten lost in the beat
We go on like this for twenty minutes
The clothes we all came in with
I don’t recognize myself
We all thank him
He likes you
We both reach
My head spins listening
Maybe you’d know a little something
Professor Gray shakes her head
Tonight I came here alone
Look who came back for more
Masochist (mas·och·ist)
There are only seven of us here
Let me tell you something:
There’s no way around
I hear him count me in
Before I can tell myself
Oh my god you shoulda seen me
Kendra’s smirk
The heart
Who can understand the way
I break out
There’s no wiping the sleep
; Yo what is wrong with you girl
What is something you need
You
Well is that how you do it?
He looks at me and smiles
We’re all figuring this out
I can’t explain
Possession (pos·ses·sion)
Outside of class
10:03 PM
Maybe it’s the fact
On my fifth read
Mama doesn’t know
Girl you know I ain’t go to no college
I was waiting for this mama that I know
Mom I gotta go
Mama calls me back
Good morning, Mom
What’s going on with you?
You’re ignoring calls from your dad now?
Something’s got to be wrong with me
There are thirty towels to fold
The problem is
This time Derek somehow finds a way
Derek, I have to go study
Kelly can you please tell me
The whole group goes quiet
Thirty minutes later
To a random person
Just before running away
I’ve never taken this class before
There are fifteen minutes left of class
It goes so fast
And Magic got her name
The next morning
My phone rings on the way out of the admin building
Acknowledgments
About the Author
GRADUATION DAY
Just look at me
they got me out here
wearing a dress
heels
makeup
hope Mama’s proud
she sure does look like it
looking at me and squealing
like proud mamas do when
their baby looks something
like she came from them
her squeals bounce
from every wall of this hotel lobby
her screams shake from
her fragile body exploding
like she’s shocked by her own joy
unsteady heels click
against the tile toward the person she can say
was the best thing she ever did
with her life
Here’s the scene: I’m seventeen and graduating
from high school
and this weekend I learn to juggle
my father and his new wife
are on their way to the Home of the Chicago Doves
decked out, like they’re about to glide down the church’s red carpet