by Julie Hall
I lifted a shoulder and nodded, swallowing hard to clear my mouth. “Pretty much.”
“And he said yes right away, right?” Kaitlin leaned forward, elbows propped on her knees.
Romona remained suspiciously quiet. That gave me an itchy nervous feeling. My grandmother-slash-best friend was too perceptive for her own good.
I’d opened with the news of Logan and my decision to be permanently bonded because I didn’t want to hear about the briefing. I feared the truth. But by some miracle, they hadn’t been told about the part I played in Satan’s release. They would have brought it up if they knew anything. My knee bounced a nervous cadence as I wondered who knew besides Joe.
Since they hadn’t already been told, I was assuming it wasn’t going to be common knowledge anytime soon. And in that case, I’d already decided not to tell anyone my time here was limited. However, if anyone could put the pieces together, it would be my grandmother. Or Logan.
I would do whatever I needed to in order to keep that secret from them. I wanted to enjoy our time together while we had it.
“No,” I absently answered Kaitlin.
I reached around to itch my back. I tried to ignore it, but when I finally got a shower, I couldn’t help but notice the black mark on my skin had grown. The spot had doubled in size, and the veiny black-and-green fingers spreading from it had reached several inches long. I imagined the mark was an hourglass, its growth like dripping sand through a funnel and counting down my time in this realm. The spot remained hidden on my back, but I didn’t know how far or to which parts of my body the blackness would spread. A time might come when it could no longer be concealed.
“What?” She huffed and slouched against the couch, arms crossed over her chest and brow pinched. “Are you kidding me? What’s wrong with that boy? He’s obviously insanely in love with you.” Her words snapped me into the present.
Despite believing the same thing, I still blushed. “Well, you know Logan, first he had to explain to me—again—that we wouldn’t be married”—I rolled my eyes—“that it would be a bonding ceremony or whatever.” I waved a hand through the air. “Same difference, right?”
“Well kinda, except this is for eternity. No divorce and no till-death-do-you-part. But I guess if you don’t count those things and the fusing of your souls then, yeah, it’s pretty much the same.”
I sprayed a mouthful of tea all over our delicious snacks.
“Excuse me? Fusing of souls? Whatever that is, it sounds painful. Can we do this thing without that part?”
Kaitlin and Romona shared a look. Kaitlin’s eyebrows lifted, and Romona shrugged.
“What? What don’t I know this time? Flipping orientation. Will someone please just hook me up to one of those machines that download all the important information about this realm already so I know what’s going on?”
“Calm down, Audrey.” Romona rested her fingers on my palm. Concern ripped through my body, and I snatched my hand back. Usually, Romona was all about transferring peaceful emotions my way.
“You can’t expect me to calm down when you feel like that.”
Romona sighed deeply and pursed her mouth. Her eyes scrutinized me for a moment before she decided to speak. “Audrey, what happened to being too young to go through with this right now? I thought the plan was to wait a few decades before any official ceremonies.”
I shrugged and struggled to keep any physical sign of guilt from my body. “YOLO, right?”
“What in the world does that mean?” Romona tilted her head and studied me as if I was an alien species.
Kaitlin snorted a laugh. “As if that applies to this situation.”
“I don’t get it.” Romona’s questioning look bounced back and forth between Kaitlin and me.
Kaitlin waved her off. “It’s just a saying that kinda means ‘seize the day while you’re young.’ It obviously doesn’t apply. Audrey’s being weird.”
“Hey.”
“I call ‘em like I seem ‘em, girl.”
“You’re the worst. You know that, right?”
Kaitlin’s smile broadened.
“That’s cool, I only wanted one bridesmaid anyway.” I slung an arm around Romona’s shoulders.
“Hey, come on now.” The pout Kaitlin put on would have had any guy on his knees in front of her, begging for forgiveness or asking her how they could fulfill her deepest wish.
I just scoffed. “That’s what happens when you annoy the bride.”
Romona shrugged off my arm. “Audrey, you’re not a bride”—her gaze slid pointedly to Kaitlin—“and you know full well she doesn’t get bridesmaids, so stop pouting.”
“Hey, I don’t? Well, that’s no fair. What am I supposed to hold over Kaitlin’s head to keep her in line for the next few days?”
Romona sputtered and choked on a mouthful of tea.
“Days?” she croaked.
I nodded.
“Days, Audrey?”
Didn’t I just nod?
“Yeah, why wait, right? We’re already bonded. It’s obviously gonna stick. Let’s just get this show on the road and all of that.”
Romona looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. I turned to Kaitlin for help, but her expression wasn’t much different.
“What? Logan was cool with it.”
“Of course Logan was cool with it. He’s a dude.” Kaitlin snickered.
“Is this about sex?” Romona asked bluntly.
This time, the tea shot out of my mouth and nose. I coughed and hacked and blew my nose until my orifices cleared enough to speak.
“No. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe you just asked that. This is not about sex.”
Fuchsia. My hair was definitely hot pink right now. No doubt.
Kaitlin slapped her leg as she laughed. “If I were you, it would be. We all know you think Logan’s a hot piece of—”
“Say it and I’ll break something . . . on your face.”
Kaitlin made a zipping motion across her mouth, but her shoulders still shook with unrestrained laughter. Oh man, I couldn’t wait until she went through this. I was going to razz her so bad.
A blanket of heavy sadness settled on me when I realized I’d never see that day. I wouldn’t be around when she fell in love. That wasn’t the only thing I’d miss. I’d also never see my family again. After all the fighting I’d done, in the end, they would end up truly gone to me.
I mentally slapped myself. I couldn’t fall apart in front of these two. They’d sniff out my secret like bloodhounds.
I plastered on a fake smile.
“If it’s not sex that’s rushing this, then what is it, Audrey?” Romona asked seriously. “Because, honestly, something seems off right now. Something’s causing you to jump into this. What aren’t you telling us?”
Too smart, that one. I needed to get some friends who weren’t so sharp.
Oh, right, I wouldn’t be making any more friends.
I shoved those thoughts to the back recesses of my mind where I was trying to bury all depressing feelings.
“You were right before. It’s definitely the sex. What can I say? I can’t keep my hands off Logan. Might as well make it official and do it the traditional way and all that. Listen, I really gotta go.” I stood and inched my way across the room. “Lots of planning and stuff to do. Er, ah, or figuring out what needs to get done. I’m obviously way behind. Sorry I ruined your tea with my snot. Pretty sure I sprayed the whole table.”
Romona and Kaitlin both stared at me as I backpedaled toward the exit. Romona’s gaze was calculating and Kaitlin’s was stunned. No doubt they’d be chatting about me the instant the door clicked shut behind me.
Who could blame them? I was acting supremely weird.
I was saved when my back hit a hard surface.
Thank goodness. I suppressed the urge to shout free-dom!
Turning the handle, I spilled into the hall and slammed the door shut.
Free—and alone—I turned and leaned back against the
smooth surface then sank to the floor right on the welcome mat in front of Romona’s apartment.
“What exactly does soul fusing entail?”
We were sitting on a white linen couch in Logan’s cottage. I’d never been to his home before. In fact, before that morning, I didn’t even know he lived in the same redwood forest that bracketed the mountain range as I did. I had assumed he had some small little studio apartment in the city with a bed, bathroom, and punching bag in the corner.
Sneaky boy.
Logan’s cottage, which he insisted was a cabin—semantics—was lovely and charming and homey. Not at all the Spartan living abode I’d expected.
We’d been discussing Morgan when I opened my mouth about the soul fusing.
Logan ran a hand through his hair, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Right. Sometimes I forget you didn’t go through orientation.”
“You and everyone else,” I grumbled.
“So, soul fusing, it’s really just a fancy way of saying we’ll be permanently bonded.”
Permanently. There was that word again. My skittishness about the permanence of our bond had bounced back and forth—I was happy about it one moment and fearful the next. We were definitely linked in an irrevocable way, but there was still a choice. When I was sent to the abyss, what kind of existence would I be sentencing Logan to if we went through with the official ceremony? I didn’t think it would be anything different until this ‘soul fusing’ concept came into play. Now I was back to agonizing over whether or not this was a good idea. I definitely needed more intel.
“Does it hurt?”
He chuckled and shook his head. “No. It doesn’t hurt. I’ve heard it’s quite enjoyable in fact.”
He wiggled his eyebrows.
“Are you seriously trying to make this sound sexual right now?”
“Audrey, I’m a dude about to be officially joined with the woman I love for the rest of eternity. My brain functions in a very limited capacity. Speaking of, did you know we get a year off from hunting after the ceremony?”
“A year? For what?”
He wiggled his eyebrows again.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. No one can go at it all the time for a year.”
“We can give it a go.” He wrapped his arms around me, attempting to haul me into his lap.
I pushed him away, grazing his skin as I did. Joy like I’d never felt before shot through me during that brief moment of contact.
In response to his emotions, guilt flooded my system, and I pulled back even farther. I didn’t want to taint his mood. I’d become as nervous about the empathy link—the transfer of emotions through skin-to-skin contact in this realm—as Logan had once been. Putting on a good face was one thing, but emotions were almost impossible to control.
“Be serious here.”
“Okay, fine.” He stopped to study me, and I wondered what he’d felt through our brief touch. Getting a reprieve from the link in the Healing Center had been nice. Since the transfer of emotions would be distracting to the healers, the Center was the one place in our realm the empathy link didn’t work. “It’s not just for that. It’s so we have time to truly and properly connect. It’s supposed to be a gift to us so we’re not separated for that first year. It’s a bonding time for us in all aspects. Emotional and spiritual as well as physical.”
“Finally, a straight answer.” I chewed on my lower lip.
“What’s going on in that beautiful brain right now?” He tapped my head, and I swatted his hand away. This new lighthearted, touchy-feely Logan took some getting used to. I was finally seeing a Logan free of the demons that used to haunt him.
This was who Logan was created to be, and new Logan or old Logan, I loved him. To see him so happy both lifted my spirits and crushed my heart.
How would he be after I was gone? Would going along with this charade of a bonding ultimately break him? Was I pushing him when I should be pulling back?
I chewed on my bottom lip some more. “Logan, why are you okay going through our ceremony so quickly?”
He tilted his head a fraction. “What do you mean?”
“When I told Romona and Kaitlin we were going forward with the ceremony in a few days, they thought something was wrong with me. I’m just wondering why you’re so cool with it.”
“Audrey.” He took my face in his hands. Something he’d gotten in the habit of doing.
I liked it but suspected he was using the move to force my attention when he thought I might try to avoid his gaze. Clever man.
Think happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts that let him feel happy emotions from me. Nothing that let him know my heart was shredded and my soul torn.
Waves of pure joy and love filtered through the empathy link from him to me. I closed my eyes to bask in it a moment. It helped lighten my mood, even if only temporarily. They were beautiful, these feelings he had. Beautiful and infectious.
It should be strange for him to be so comfortable touching me, but I guess after seeing his body broken and knowing I was running out of time—the growing black splotch on my back attesting to that—allowed me to soak up every moment to its fullest.
“Love, open your eyes.” He brushed his thumbs over my closed lids before removing his hands.
Love. My insides melted when he called me that. I obeyed.
“I should have claimed you as mine the moment we met,” he said. My breath caught, and he nodded. “I knew then there was no one in any realm like you. If I hadn’t been so consumed with pushing you away, we’d already be together in every way imaginable. So in my mind, we’ve already lost time. I don’t want to waste another moment not being with you.”
“That was sorta the perfect thing to say.”
His smile was gentle and free from pride. “Only because I’m perfectly made for you.”
He kissed my forehead and released me.
Okay, that was cheesy, but still, I couldn’t stop my eyes from filling again. This was becoming an incredibly vexing habit of mine. The unimaginable joy we might have had together clashed with my knowledge that it would not be our future, and as a result my eyes continually filled and spilled.
Thank goodness I’d held back the tide until he’d removed his hands. I was walking a tight rope with no safety net. One move that wasn’t anticipated, and I ran the risk of my emotions freefalling right into Logan. I’d be completely exposed.
So far, I think Logan thought my tears were kind of cute. Like I was overwhelmed with happy emotions or some girlie junk.
He was clueless.
Maybe when he found out the truth he’d be mad enough that he would get over me quickly. As much as the thought crushed me, it was the best-case scenario.
For the hundredth time, I questioned whether keeping my shame hidden was the right thing to do. If I weren’t such a coward, I’d try to find Hugo and ask him for advice. But I was both ashamed to face him and fearful of what he’d say.
Staying away from Hugo, Joe, and the Creator was imperative. I had little doubt that if they found me, they’d be more inclined to chuck me into the fiery pit than help me out.
“I don’t like that look.” Logan brushed a hand along my cheek, and I flinched.
I hadn’t been ready for that touch, and my emotions were untamed. What had he picked up in that brief moment of contact? I tried so hard to keep my thoughts on him when we were together. To keep the darkness at bay . . . but I hadn’t guarded myself at this particular moment.
Logan’s brows furrowed, and his eyes darkened.
We stared at each other.
What was he thinking?
He was probably wondering what I was thinking.
He nodded to himself. “All right, you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”
“Huh?”
“Whatever it is that has you feeling like that”—he nodded toward me—“I have faith that you’ll tell me eventually.”
“You’re not going to harass me into talking about it?”
“Audrey, I’m always going to want to know what’s going on with you, especially the things that bother and burden your heart, but I realize that I need to earn your trust. Yes, we’re bonded and I believe with every fiber of my being that we were created for one another, but there are some things that need to develop over time. So yeah, if you’ve got some stuff you’re going through that you’re not ready to trust me with yet, I understand.”
I released a breath.
“But, Audrey.” He waited until he was sure my gaze was locked with his. “We’re in this together now, which means that if you’re ever in danger, I need to know.”
I tried to swallow, but my throat was dry.
“I’ll give you the time and space you need, but I need you to tell me if you’re in trouble.”
I nodded. What else was there to do? Lies were a slippery downward slope, but since I was already freefalling, I stuck with the program.
Logan clapped his hands once, making me start. “Now, I know just what to do to get you out of this funk. Let’s get out of here.”
18
Archives & Things
“You’re taking me to the training center?” I eyeballed the large building as we walked along the path I traversed most days. I was dressed casually in jeans and a tank, and Logan was definitely not cleared for a workout yet—but I wouldn’t put it past him to try for it. “How . . . romantic.”
“What?” He glanced at me, his arm slung over my shoulder. “It seemed to me like you needed to work off some extra energy.”
I shoved him off. “Oh, shut it already.”
He chuckled and rubbed his chest. Pfft, as if that actually hurt. Eye roll.
“Man, you seem extra strong. You taking some performance-enhancing drugs to up your game?” He smiled as he spoke, but ice chilled my veins.
Was I extra strong? Was I developing a new talent? I didn’t have my flaming sword anymore. Had I traded my holy weapon for satanic super strength?