As a horrible despair fell over me, my rage so consuming, I couldn’t even yell anymore. I could barely get the words out as I sneered, “You condescending bastard.”
Ignoring his flinch, I shoved him aside and marched out. I felt brittle. Like I might shatter at the slightest touch. Mom made to move to me, to talk to me, and I put a hand up between us. “Get that woman away from me, or so help me God.”
She sobbed like she was the victim, but I couldn’t acknowledge her. I only had eyes for my sister, who took one look at me and her face hardened with anger.
“I need to get out of here,” I whispered hoarsely. “Before I lose it in front of everyone.”
My sister didn’t say a word. She exchanged a look with Lachlan, put her arm around me, and hurried us to the laundry room where we put on our coats and boots. The next thing I knew, we were in her SUV. As soon as it drove away from the house, I burst into sobs so hard, they wracked my whole body.
Not long later, Robyn pulled off to the side of the road and reached for me. She cradled my head on her lap like she used to when we were little and stroked my hair as I cried through the pain of my heart crumbling into pieces.
I didn’t know how much time passed before the passenger door to the car opened.
“Baby girl.” I heard my dad’s gruff voice.
Blinking through my tears, I saw Dad sliding into the passenger seat with me. I had to move my legs to let him in.
“Come here, dahlin’.”
I pulled out of Robyn’s hold and found myself enveloped in my dad’s embrace. In that moment, I didn’t feel like the grown-up woman I’d argued I was. But I didn’t care. My dad was the safest place in the world right then. And Robbie who tenderly stroked my back. Two of my favorite people in the world were with me, and there was comfort in that.
I realized then that I wasn’t only crying because Thane didn’t love me; I was crying because of that awful scene my mom had thought was okay to cause. The hurtful words she’d said. The way she always tried to make me feel small.
As if reading my mind, Dad spoke. “Your mom doesn’t mean a word she says. It comes from one place: fear. She thinks she’s going to lose both her daughters to Scotland, and she’ll say and do anything to stop it.”
“So she doesn’t care if she hurts me?” I whispered.
“Of course, she does. She just … everything always comes out backward with Stacey. No one will kick her ass more than her in the morning. You know your mom just speaks before she thinks.”
“Well … she’s getting her way. I’m not staying.” I cried again at the thought of the days, weeks, months, and goddamn devastating years ahead of me without Thane, Eilidh, and Lewis.
I’d been living in a dreamworld for the past few months.
Playing house.
Playing stepmom more than nanny, and we all knew it.
And Thane … was he really just getting off on fucking around with me, or was he just scared because of Fran?
Either way, I was a fool.
Just like Mom thought I was.
“You really love him, don’t you? Him and the kids.”
My only answer was to cry harder. I didn’t know how to stop. I was frustrated with my reaction, that I couldn’t be stronger like Robyn, but I couldn’t make the tears stop. Or the pain in my chest or the knot in my gut that tightened so hard, it ached.
Dad kissed my head. “Then don’t give up, baby girl. As much as I will miss the hell out of you, it is my job to make sure you’re happy. And until tonight, I have never seen you as happy as you have been these past few months.”
“He doesn’t feel that way about me.” Did he?
“Or he’s just afraid to take the risk.”
I lifted my head, wondering what Dad could mean considering he didn’t know about Fran.
At my questioning look, Dad sighed. “You’re only halfway to thirty, but that man is closer to forty. His children are his life, and he’s settled down in a way he’s never unsettling. He knows he doesn’t have time to go gallivanting around the world with you or take you to nightclubs or fancy restaurants every weekend. That’s not his life.”
Indignation stiffened my spine. “When have I ever said I wanted that? I don’t want that! It’s empty. And the so-called friends from that life? Where are they, Dad? I don’t have any. Other than you and Mom—when she’s not being a selfish psycho—I had nothing real in Boston. I have Robyn here. And him … I … nothing is more real than him and Eilidh and Lewis. From almost the beginning, we clicked into place, like we’d been a family forever.”
Robyn’s hand pressed deeper into my back at my confession.
“Then stay,” Dad said, even though I knew it cost him. “Stay and fight for them.”
Worry niggled me. “I don’t want to harass him.”
“You don’t need to. You just need to show him you’re not going anywhere.”
34
Regan
The longing to wallow was real.
Yet I wanted to prove, not just to everyone else but to myself, that I could handle fear and grief without running away like I had in the past. I knew Robyn wanted me to talk to a professional about why I always ran, and maybe I would in the future, but for now, I wanted to try on my own. It wasn’t easy. I fought the urge to pack my bags and run almost every hour of the day. Alone in one of Lachlan and Robyn’s guest rooms, I’d bury my face in a pillow and cry all the tears I couldn’t cry throughout the day.
In the harsh cast of daylight, I held it together as best I could. My sister’s house had probably never been cleaner. I knew she worried I was bottling shit up, but really, I was just protecting myself from falling apart in front of my mother.
There was no way to salvage Christmas dinner. I felt awful ruining it for Eilidh and Lewis. Robyn assured me it was all right, that Arrochar would make it up for them the next day. In the UK, they celebrated Boxing Day the day after Christmas, and it involved another big family meal. They hosted it at Thane’s, and for Eilidh and Lewis, I insisted Robyn and Lachlan be there. Brodan was leaving the day after, and I wanted him to have uninterrupted time with his family too.
Mom, Dad, and I stayed put.
And I hid in my room.
Robyn said they’d tell Eils and Lew that I was sick and they’d see me later. I’d hoped that was true, that I could convince Thane to let me continue as their nanny.
However, when I texted him to meet me the day after Boxing Day at the annex, I was floored by his coldness. As soon as he walked into the small apartment, memories rushed over me of the past few months. Of our passionate nights here. Of the dreams I’d spun in my head of making a life with him.
My heart throbbed so hard in my chest, I was nauseated.
And he stood about three feet away, his arms crossed over his chest, staring at me like I was a stranger.
Before I could speak, he announced, “I need to make this quick because we’re seeing Brodan off at the airport … I’m letting you go, Regan. I’ll pay you for January for the inconvenience of an abrupt termination, but I think this is for the best. You’re leaving soon, anyway, and your presence in Eilidh’s and Lewis’s lives has become confusing for them.”
Thane sounded so emotionless. Like it meant nothing to him to cut me out.
Was my dad wrong? Would I be humiliating myself if I stuck around to prove something to this man?
Suddenly angry at him, I stared incredulously. “What have I done to deserve you treating me with such contempt?”
His stoic expression faltered, and his tone softened a little. “It’s not contempt. You have done nothing. I’m just doing what’s best for my kids.”
“By taking me away from them?”
Indignation flashed in his eyes. “You’ll be gone, eventually. The longer we let this go on between us, the worse it will get.”
“I’m going to be in their lives. My sister is marrying your brother,” I reminded him.
“They’ll see you once or twice a year
when you visit. By then, they’ll have—” He cut off abruptly.
Fighting back tears, I couldn’t look at him. “Forgotten me.”
“Regan …” he sighed heavily, and I felt like an inconvenient child he was forced to deal with. “I am sorry it turned out this way.”
Tightness crawled across my chest, like a stone creature sat atop it. The thought of not seeing him, not touching him, never being in his arms again was unbearable. And the thought of not being there for Eilidh and Lewis as they grew up killed me. I wanted to witness them become the amazing adults I knew they’d be. To send them off to high school, watch them go on their first dates, cry my heart out after dropping them off at college, and spend every Christmas I had left on this planet with them because they were my family.
And it was like a death. The destruction of that dream felt like someone I loved had died.
I guessed I hadn’t realized until that moment just how much I’d been hoping our affair would turn into something more, something permanent.
All the while Thane stared at me, veering between dispassionate and pitying.
I didn’t know if it was an act to protect himself.
I didn’t know what was real anymore.
“I’ll give you time to say goodbye to them. Just let me know when you want to do that.”
Never.
I never wanted to say goodbye.
Not to them.
Thane was a different story. I wanted to fight for him, but he didn’t believe in me. As much as I wanted to ignore that, I’d come too far. How would I ever continue to believe in myself if I continued to love someone who didn’t believe in me? Where would my pride and self-respect be then?
Devastated, I couldn’t say another word.
Thane took hold of my arm as I strode past him, halting me. Staring at the floor, I resisted the urge to melt into his touch. Almost as if he’d read my mind, he said hoarsely, “You are a very special woman, mo leannan. Never forget it.”
Then why don’t you want me?
I met his gaze. I’d finally asked Arrochar what mo leannan meant. And I wasn’t his darling, his love, or his sweetheart. I was nothing to him. “Don’t call me that.” I wrenched my arm out of his grip and marched out of the annex before I burst into tears.
Robyn and Lachlan moved my stuff into their place.
A few days before New Year’s Eve, Mom and Dad returned to Boston. They were supposed to stay and attend Hogmanay—the Scottish term for New Year’s celebrations—at Ardnoch Castle. It was a big deal that they were invited since only the Adair family could attend outside of the club members. But between Robyn and me giving her the cold shoulder, Mom wasn’t exactly feeling welcome, and Dad decided they should go home early. That broke my heart, too, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I partially blamed her for losing Thane, and that resentment wasn’t going away anytime soon.
I was in my room, reading, preparing to go downstairs and say goodbye to my parents when a knock sounded at the door. “Come in,” I called, thinking it was Robbie or Dad since they were the only two who had ventured in to see me over the past few days.
The door opened, and I looked up from my spot on the chaise by the window to find my mom gazing forlornly at me. She was dressed in loungewear, something she only dared wear when she was flying. Otherwise, I got my love of pretty dresses from her, as well as my love of reading. An overwhelming sadness settled over me.
I hated that I resented her.
Without asking, Mom crossed the room and sat down on the end of the chaise. I swung my legs off and sat up, shutting down my e-reader. We sat in silence for a moment, me staring at the floor, she at me.
“I always seem to be apologizing to my kids lately.” She heaved a weary sigh.
Maybe don’t do shit you need to apologize for.
Mom continued, “I don’t know why I do the things I do. Your father likes to psychoanalyze me. Should have been a psychologist, not a detective.”
One goes hand in hand with the other.
Mom huffed. “Are you ever going to speak to me again?”
I looked at her. “Are you going to apologize for real?”
Recognizing her expression, the one that said she wanted to reprimand me, I smirked. Mom was so hardheaded, it would be funny if it wasn’t so self-destructive.
“I’m sorry,” she said, surprising me.
That ache in my chest grew. “Really?”
“Yes. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like a failure. I didn’t mean to do that. Now, I won’t say that I agree with what you’ve done here. I just won’t. But I will say that I have to remember it isn’t my place to judge those decisions. You’re a grown-up now, and I have to respect that.”
“That’s your apology?”
“Yes.” Mom reached for my hand. “Regan, I blew it out of proportion, and I messed up. I ruined dinner for everyone, and I’m mortified. Your dad is right. That fight was about more than your affair with Thane. It was about losing you to this place.” She squeezed my hand. “Robbie was always so independent, from the moment she could walk. And she was …” Sadness saturated Mom’s features. “She was Mac’s little clone. Adored him. When he was around, I couldn’t get a look in. So I knew”—she gave me a wobbly smile—“I knew from when she was a little girl that she’d never be my little girl. She’d go off and do her own thing, and I would see her when I saw her. I tried to push her on you too much, hoping your bond would keep her close to us all.”
“Mom.” I tightened my grip on her hand, not realizing that had been her perspective on Robyn. “Robbie loves you.”
“Yeah, I know. But I thought with you, you were all ours. Mine and your dad’s. And I was determined you would be ours forever. That you wouldn’t be like Robbie and disappear on us.” She laughed bitterly. “I guess I pushed you away, anyway, trying to keep you too close. Trying to coddle you, make you think you needed me.”
Her sudden self-awareness shocked me.
Or maybe Dad’s psychoanalyzing had finally sunk in.
“Now I’ve lost you to this place too. Or have I?”
“Mom … things between us can’t just magically be okay. You hurt me. And you … your actions led to the end of a relationship that meant a great deal to me, whether you agree with it or not. But with time …” I shrugged sadly. “I love you, Mom. That’s never going to go away.”
“But you are?” she pushed.
I swallowed the hard tears in my throat as I choked out, “It’s not going to happen with Thane.”
“Oh?”
“But I’m not leaving. Robyn is here, and I don’t want to leave her.”
Tears brightened Mom’s eyes, but she nodded. “You do seem better here. Safer. Your father told me about this Austin person. You know … I am here if you ever need to talk about that.”
I flinched and lowered my eyes. “It’s just like how I told it. Nothing more to say.” At my mother’s hurt silence, I sighed. Now was not the time for her to be my confidante. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She patted my hand and stood. “Robbie told us about the ancestry visa you’re applying for.”
Wait, what? I hadn’t applied for it yet.
“Seth was thinking of looking up that side of his family, maybe visiting them when we come back over for Robbie’s wedding.”
I nodded, dazed, my mind wandering.
“Can I get a hug goodbye?”
I hugged my mom. Still angry at her, still confused, still resentful, but … she was my mom. And I loved her. “Not goodbye,” I promised. “Just ‘see you soon.’”
Me crying as they loaded Lachlan’s SUV to leave seemed to soothe something in both my parents. I didn’t want them to think I didn’t miss them when we weren’t together. Mom and I definitely needed a breather from one another, but Dad was the calm in the storm. And I’d miss him like crazy.
“We’ll see you soon.” Dad kissed my forehead. “We’ll be back for the wedding.”
After they lef
t, I sat in that big house by myself. Brodan was also gone, and Lachlan and Robyn had driven our parents to the airport. I stared numbly at the television until the front door opened a few hours later. As soon as Robyn strolled into the room, I asked her about the visa.
She gave me an appeasing grin. “I might have … begun the process for you.”
Gaping at her, I didn’t know how to respond. It was so unlike her to meddle like this.
“What was the harm? And you were wasting time taking forever to decide.” She crossed the large room to the side table near the stairs and opened a drawer. When she returned to me, Robyn clutched an envelope. She handed it over, and I saw it was a letter providing me with an appointment in Inverness next week to have my biometrics taken. “I started the process over four months ago. This letter arrived just before Christmas.”
“Four months ago?”
Robyn sighed. “It’s not a straightforward process. As it was, we’re having to use a connection of Lachlan’s to push it through before your visitor visa is up. I had to apply for copies of birth certificates for Seth’s maternal grandparents, his parents, his, as well as marriage certificates, and those took a few months to arrive. I also had to collate your income for the past six months, along with your personal information. It’s all done. All you have to do is go to this appointment, and we’ll have everything we need. Then Lachlan’s friend is going to push it through as quickly as possible.” She smirked at her fiancé. “Sometimes it pays to be an Adair.”
He smirked back and strolled toward the kitchen. “Coffee anyone?”
I stared at the letter. “Don’t I need an income for this to even matter? I don’t know if you noticed, but Thane kind of fired me.”
Robyn’s expression softened with sympathy, but before she could speak, Lachlan said, “And I just kind of hired you.”
Spinning toward him, I raised an eyebrow. “How so?”
“You want to stay, don’t you?”
“Yes. But not for your brother,” I clarified, not caring how bitter I sounded. “I’m staying for me. And for Robyn.”
My sister sidled up to me and put her arm around my shoulders. “You don’t know how happy I am that you’re staying.”
There With You: An Adair Family Novel Page 34