by Anchee Min
I went to the pier to greet Pearl and Carie the day they returned to Chin-kiang. I was nervous because my appearance had changed. My dress and hairstyle indicated that I was a married woman. Instead of a braid, I wore a bun in the back of my head. In letters, I had avoided mentioning my married life to Pearl. What was there to say? The moment I entered my husband’s home, I found out that he was an opium addict. The matchmaker had lied. His fortune had been squandered long ago. The family was a fabulously embroidered evening gown chewed by moths. He was in so much debt that the servants had fled. My husband had borrowed money to pay for my dowry. The marriage was my mother-in-law’s idea. It was “one stone for two birds.” Her son would get a concubine and she would get an unpaid servant.
My existence was about serving my husband, his mother, and his elder wives and their children. I cleaned beds, emptied chamber pots, washed sheets, and swept the gardens. I had to sneak out to see Pearl and Carie. My husband would never have given me permission had I asked.
Pearl had grown into a stunning beauty. She was tall and slender and dressed in Western clothes. She carried the air of a free spirit. Her smile was full of sunshine.
“Willow, my friend, look at you!” she called from a hundred yards away with arms wide open. “What a pretty lady you have become!”
“Welcome home” was all I could utter.
Laughing radiantly, Pearl hugged me. “Oh, Willow, I missed you so much!”
Papa, Carpenter Chan, and others came. We helped carry the luggage to Absalom’s newly rented house. It was a former merchant’s home located on the top of the hill.
“What a beautiful house!” Pearl marveled. “Father, how have you allowed us such luxury?”
“It is a haunted house,” Absalom explained. “No locals will take it. The rent is very cheap. I took advantage of the opportunity since I don’t believe in Chinese ghosts.”
As soon as Pearl settled in, we took off to climb the hills. Pearl’s younger sister, Grace, wanted to join us, but Pearl and I flew away together. Pearl told me that Shanghai was very flat and that she had missed the mountains and hills. She had been itching to go on a hike. She spoke about ideas I had never heard of. She described a world I could only imagine. Her Mandarin vocabulary was more sophisticated. She told me that she was getting ready for college in America. “After that, I will travel the world!”
I didn’t have much to share, so I told her how we had survived the Boxers. In the middle of my story, I stopped.
“What’s wrong?” Pearl asked.
“Nothing.”
“Willow,” she called gently.
I told myself to smile and to turn away from dark thoughts. But my tears betrayed me.
“Is it your marriage?” she asked, her hand reaching for mine.
My marriage was not uncommon for a Chinese girl, but it was too much for Pearl.
I told Pearl that on my husband’s good days he smoked and gambled; on his bad days, he would take out his anger on me. He would beat me and sometimes rape me. I had to be obedient toward my mother-in-law. As far as she was concerned, it was my fault that the family was going down the drain.
“This is slavery!” Pearl concluded, her features twisting into an expression of anger.
Pearl told me that she had worked with girls in Shanghai who had been forced into abusive marriages or prostitution. “You don’t have to hide your broken arm inside your sleeve anymore, Willow,” she said.
My husband got himself a new concubine. It surprised me because I knew he didn’t have any money. He ignored me when I questioned him. Tradition gave a man the right to dispose of his wife at will. To protest, every morning I went and stood by the village well that everyone shared. I shouted out the terrible things his family had done to me. But I received no sympathy. The village elder criticized me and said that I should commit suicide.
Standing up for myself only gave me a bad reputation. Papa considered me selfish, while NaiNai called me foolish. I didn’t feel completely deserted because I had Pearl’s support. I went to Carie and offered to help with the school and with setting up the new clinic. Besides teaching me English, Carie trained me and other girls to become nurses.
Pearl and I continued to spend time together, but our friendship was no longer the same. The more she looked forward to college in America, the less we could say to each other. She was sensitive and knew how I felt about my own future.
I didn’t believe she would return to China after college. She seemed less sure now too. After all, it had been Carie’s long-held wish to return to America.
Absalom was not interested in Pearl’s departure, nor was he sad that she might never return. Absalom was more excited about his upcoming preaching tour farther inland.
Papa was a different person when he was with Absalom. He respected and worshipped him.
“You can tell just from Absalom’s face that he is no ordinary human being,” Papa told the Sunday crowd. “Absalom experiences a radiant joy when he lifts his hand to bless you. You can feel that God is with him.”
Pearl again admitted that she was jealous of the Chinese converts who received Absalom’s affection. It was one of the reasons she wanted to go away. She told me that she was even unhappy about the donkey Papa had bought for Absalom. “The animal has enabled Father to take farther and longer trips.”
“But your father is happy,” Papa told Pearl.
Although Pearl agreed, she said, “Sometimes I don’t think he is my father. He will tolerate others interrupting his sermon with a question, but never me.”
“Will you consider marriage?” I asked Pearl. “And if so, when?”
She laughed. “I’ll see what happens when I get to America.”
Pearl said that she had already started missing China. “I may have been saying that America is my real home, but I doubt that it is true.”
Pearl knew that revealing her thoughts would disturb Carie, so she kept them to herself. “I never intended to defy my ancestors or Western culture,” she told me. “It is just that China is what I know.”
Carie had been in a good mood although she had been ill. She was happy to be able to grow roses and have a garden again. She said that with Pearl gone she would have more time to sit in the garden and read her favorite Western novels. Carie didn’t want Pearl to know that she dreaded her departure.
Pearl was not fooled by her mother’s cheerfulness. She knew that her mother wept behind her back. Pearl worried that Carie might need her when she was in America.
I assured Pearl that I would take care of her mother and would keep her informed about Carie’s health.
CHAPTER 10
October 23, 1913
Dear Pearl,
How happy I am to learn that you have been well and are in good health. Your mother is weak although, as always, she shows good spirits. She finally listened to me and has quit teaching. I took over her classes. Can you believe it? I also wanted to tell you that I have begun your Charles Dickens books.
I am not sure if your mother told you what happened to Absalom. He went too far inland and got stoned by mobs again. Thank the Lord he is fine. Two of your father’s Chinese disciples died, I’m sorry to report. Papa has been running the church for Absalom. He is much improved at preaching. Absalom is so pleased with him that he has started to take even longer preaching tours, although his absence makes your mother unhappy.
I also have this sad news to share: NaiNai passed away last month. Through Absalom’s efforts she finally accepted the conversion. Papa insisted on waiting for Absalom to conduct the burial ceremony. Papa believed that God would favor Absalom’s wishes regarding NaiNai’s next life. Papa didn’t want to take any chances. We all thought it was impossible because Absalom was so far away. Only a few months ago, Absalom had refused to return even when Carie called him about her own worsening condition, so we had little hope.
Well, Absalom showed up. He rode the donkey all day and night. The animal collapsed! NaiNai is so fortunate, because
her journey to Heaven was blessed by Absalom. To a Chinese person, a good death is more important than a good birth.
Carie lives alone now after she sent your sister to Shanghai for schooling. Absalom resumed his tour the day after NaiNai’s burial. He wouldn’t stay for Carie. Of course, this is nothing new to you.
Papa has achieved several new conversions. These came from some of the people he invited to NaiNai’s burial. They liked Absalom better than their head monk at the Buddhist temple. There is trouble though. One of the men has more than one wife, and the other is an alcoholic. Absalom has disqualified them before, but Papa faked the papers. Will Papa never learn? He gets carried away in his desire to please Absalom.
March 7, 1914
Dear Pearl,
Your mother shared your letter with me. Congratulations on your new popularity. In just one year you’ve gone from being unable to make friends to being Captain of the class. I’d also like to congratulate you on winning the highest honor in the writing competition. It seems that you have made good use of your Chinese background. By the way, do people in the West know Confucius?
Your mother may have already told you what happened to me. I was a few months pregnant when I walked out on my husband. I felt terrible carrying his seed. I thought about taking the Chinese herb medicine to abort the fetus. My mother died taking that herb and you can imagine how scared I was.
But about three weeks ago I began to bleed. I went to your mother for help.
Before I developed enough courage to tell her the truth, she figured it out. The blood wouldn’t stop. She knew that I must be miscarrying. She said that I could have died if I hadn’t come to her. All I could do was cry. She took me to the British Embassy doctor. I was unconscious when the doctor finished. I am fine today and that is the good news. The bad news is that I might not be able to have children in the future. This has made me sad beyond words.
I have been taking piano lessons from Carie. She was right that music could help me heal. It brings me closer to understanding God. I have wanted to learn piano ever since we were children. It’s truly a dream come true for me.
Carie has put me in charge of the elementary students. Did she tell you that our church school has expanded? We will soon have a middle school. Instead of three classes, we now have five. The school has become so popular that some locals have even signed up their daughters. You must remember how difficult it used to be to get peasant families to support their children’s education. This year, we had to deny a number of applicants due to lack of space. Papa addressed the problem to the governor of Jiangsu, who in turn promised a parcel of land to expand the school. Carpenter Chan will be the chief builder.
December 2, 1915
Dear Pearl,
You won’t believe this: I am writing you from Shanghai. This is what happened: My husband abducted me. As far as he was concerned, I was still his property. He didn’t tell me that he had sold me. Remember, I had wondered where he got his money to buy a new concubine?
Anyway, I ran away and hid in the church. My husband and his hired men chased me. They beat up Papa when he refused to tell them where I was hiding. Eventually, they found out. They broke into the church at night and took me. It was Carie who sent a message to Absalom. Without delay, Absalom appealed to the governor. He said that my abduction was a violation of the treaty law. The next day the governor ordered my husband to either free me or be arrested and beheaded!
I didn’t feel safe, because I suspected that my husband would look for another way to kidnap me. Papa saw suspicious men hanging around our house. Carie thought that it would be a good idea for me to leave Chin-kiang for a while. She made introductions for me at the Christian School for Women in Shanghai. I was offered a scholarship. All I can say is that I am truly blessed by God.
March 24, 1916
Dear Pearl,
Who would believe that the “Paris of the East” is built on sand? The city’s old name even says it. “Shang-hai-tan,” meaning a sandbank at the mouth of our great Yangtze River. Emperor Guangxu considered it next to worthless, I’ve been told. His imperial opinion must have lessened the sting when he was forced to give it up to foreigners after losing the Second Opium War. What a lot the English, French, and Germans have done with that sandbank, my new home!
I shouldn’t be singing about Shanghai as if you knew nothing about it. I well know that you once lived here. In fact, I often picture you here, imagine where you may have gone, what places you liked best. But forgive me, I can’t help but share my feelings with you because I have no one else.
The Christian school is perfect for me. I have been taking as many classes as I can. The teachers have all been very helpful, sometimes even staying after class to answer my many questions. I never knew that there were so many books, so much to learn.
The students are nice, too. At first I was shy and awkward around them. I felt like such a country bumpkin. I didn’t even know that the Manchu dynasty had been overthrown! So many other things! But isn’t it wonderful that we no longer have an emperor, that China will soon become a republic!
My first weeks at the school now seem like a lifetime away. I feel more at home now and have begun to make some friends. Not like you, of course. But there are some brilliant people here and there is an electricity in the air. The most interesting people are the artists, writers, journalists, and musicians. They form a loose group that gathers at certain bars and restaurants in the city, talking and drinking and arguing for hours on end. I seem to be falling in with these people more and more. I find it exhilarating, so different from the life we knew together in Chin-kiang.
Dr. Sun Yat-sen is among us. He has been single-handedly leading the New Republicans to change China. He is a Christian and a Cantonese by origin. Before he became a revolutionary, he was a physician. He was educated in the West and studied political science. He went to Japan to study how the Mingji Reform has changed the country. In 1911, Dr. Sun returned to China and succeeded in stirring up a military uprising.
Pearl, as you can tell, my universe is expanding at the speed of light. If it wasn’t something I had promised Carie, I would have skipped Sunday church. My stomach is full, but my mind is hungry.
I miss your mother, and I’ll forever be in her debt. Two days ago I went to visit Grace to deliver your mother’s package. Your sister is turning into a fine young lady. She is sweet, but a little shy compared to you. Oh, how I wish you were here with me.
September 2, 1916
Dear Pearl,
It’s been six months since I last wrote you. Things have kept speeding up. I have been involved with the National Party of China. Most of our members are followers of Dr. Sun Yat-sen. Although I’ll always have faith in God, I find myself open to other ideas. I must now leave for a meeting and will continue to write when I return.
October 27, 1916
This letter is taking too long. My life is in fabulous chaos. I don’t know day from night anymore. China is undergoing a political transformation.
December 13, 1916
Pearl, I must share with you my sorrow, China’s sorrow: Dr. Sun Yat-sen has been diagnosed with cancer. He is not expected to live. The man who will succeed him is Chiang Kai-shek. We are not sure if he is trustworthy. His record shows that he has been an opportunist. Unfortunately, there is no other candidate equal to him in military experience and connections. He has been the Commander-in-Chief of China and claims himself a disciple of Dr. Sun. The fact is that he is the only man who can control the warlords and who is committed to Dr. Sun’s cause.
January 28, 1917
Dear Pearl,
I must inform you about Carie’s condition. I am sure she has been hiding the truth from you. I visited her last month. It was lovely to be back in Chin-kiang, to see all the familiar faces. But I was taken aback when I called on your mother. She could no longer get out of bed. Apparently, her health took a turn for the worse when she went back to work at the school soon after I left for Shanghai. She tol
d me she didn’t want you to return to China to help care for her. She worries about you constantly. Are you really planning to return?
Before I came back to Shanghai I accompanied Carie to the Deng Family Village, where she purchased a burial plot for herself. I have no idea why she picked that place. We didn’t speak of her reasons. I only sensed that she is so deeply disappointed in Absalom that she doesn’t care to be with him in death. But the place is beautiful and serene although remote. It broke my heart that she is quietly doing this. Am I betraying Carie by sharing this information with you? Carie can’t stand the thought that she might not be there to receive you when you return.
April 15, 1917
Dearest Pearl,
How wonderful it is to learn that YOU ARE ENGAGED, and that you are on your way back! My good God! I was deeply surprised to learn this momentous news, the more so because I haven’t heard a word from you for so long. Of course you have my blessing. In your letter to Carie you said that “the decision to register for the marriage” was for the “convenience of traveling.” But do I misunderstand something? Should “convenience” be the reason for marriage? Forgive me for being overly cautious—my own marriage almost ruined my life. But I suspect that your mother’s condition only gave you an additional reason to hurry the happy plans for your marriage.
I am grateful to Carie for sharing your letters and photos. I understood immediately what brought you and Mr. Lossing Buck together. A mutual love of China, for one. How lucky to find someone with a lifelong interest in China in America. And of course you were impressed with Lossing. A Cornell degree, his professorship at Nanking University, and his commitment to helping the Chinese peasants. His agricultural expertise will be greatly appreciated here. He certainly is handsome. You two make a beautiful couple! What a wonderful idea to have the wedding ceremony in Chin-kiang.