by Leslie North
He caught her hand in his and pressed it to his cheek, every nerve alive with her closeness. “I’ve been a wreck without you, Avery.”
She rose up on tiptoe and kissed him.
He kissed her back, hard, like he’d never have another chance, and Avery melted into his arms. He acted on instinct, scooping her up and running for the stairs. Avery laughed against his lips, throwing her arms around his neck. She held on for dear life as he took the stairs two at a time. In her bedroom, he set her back on her feet, breathing hard. Avery shrugged off her white coat and stripped her shirt over her head.
“Well?” She looked him up and down. “What are you waiting for?”
He shed his clothes like they were on fire and pulled her close again, sliding his hands down every available inch of her. Tucker kissed her deeply, a new desire washing over him. Still, after all these years, she tasted sweet and alive and lovely. He nudged a hand between her legs, pressing her thighs apart, and found her wet and waiting. He stroked that softness and Avery groaned against his mouth. With one thumb, he worked at her clit, circling it until she came in a burst of juices on his fingers. Her knees went weak. Tucker caught her again. He wanted to catch her just like this, every day for the rest of her life.
Tucker carried her to the bed and spread her out. He took a moment to drink her in, and Avery reached for him. She pulled him down on top of her and licked the side of his neck, possessive and hot.
“I got it,” he mumbled against her collarbone, kissing her skin over and over as he pushed inside her. He wanted her too much to wait. Too much to go slow. “God, Avery—”
Avery rocked her weight against him, taking him in deep, and the next thing he knew she was pushing back against him so the both of them went over. She threw her head back, gorgeous from this vantage point, and let out a contented noise before she met his eyes again. Her fingers dug into his chest, and Avery rolled her hips, erasing all his thoughts with a wave of pleasure. “Hold on tight, Tucker.”
He did.
16
For a few seconds when Avery was waking up, she wasn’t sure what day it was. Had Tucker slept with her last night for the first time? She reached out and found empty sheets. No. This wasn’t the first time. It was the second, and he had come to the clinic…
She blinked herself into awareness and found a note lying on his pillow.
Went home to my place. –Tuck
The tone of it struck her even though the words had only been scrawled on paper and not spoken into her ear. Had something happened? Beyond the sex, anyway. That had definitely happened. Avery threw on some clothes, choosing them haphazardly from her dresser. An old hoodie from college. A pair of yoga pants. Good enough. She put on her boots and coat at the door and went out.
Her teeth chattered in the truck on the way over to Tucker’s cabin. There wasn’t enough time for the heat to kick on, and she was still cold when she got out and went up to the door. It opened under her hand. He hadn’t shut it all the way.
“Tucker?”
She realized, once the door was open, that she hadn’t needed to call for him. Tucker stood in the living room, a big suitcase open on the sofa. He held a stack of T-shirts in his hand. It didn’t make sense.
“Hey,” she said, shrugging her shoulders to try to get some body heat going in the coat. “What’s going on?” He met her eyes then, such naked pain in his face that she took half a step back. “Tucker, what are you doing?”
“I’m packing.” Every inch of her braced for the words that she knew were coming next. “I have to go.”
Avery thought she’d been prepared to hear it. She thought she’d imagined it happening enough times, but it felt like a blow to the gut. “What? Why?” Her mind spun in wild circles. “Did I imagine last night? It was you who came to the clinic, wasn’t it?”
“Look.” Tucker threw the T-shirts into the suitcase and looked her square in the eye. “I don’t think you lied to me about how and why we broke up, but there’s got to be more to the story. You haven’t told me something, and I can’t—I can’t do this if you’re going to keep it from me.”
Avery shook her head. She’d never been more stunned in her life. “It went down just like I said. We were making plans to be together forever, and you broke it all apart. We’d even talked about me coming with you when you went to do your internship. You were excited to do it, and I wanted to be there with you, even if it meant going to college somewhere else.”
“Why would you do that? You’d dreamed of vet school your whole life. You even had a scholarship. Why would you throw that all away? It doesn’t make sense, Avery.”
A white-hot rage threatened to burn her up from the inside out. “That was my decision to make.” How many times did she have to say this? How many times before he finally understood? “It was my choice, because I loved you. Because I wanted to see you live your dream.”
Tucker took a step back as though she’d put her fingers on his chest and pushed him. She could see in his eyes that he was working something out, searching for something, but after a minute, he shook his head.
“I have to go. I have to figure this out. This—” He motioned between them. “Something about this isn’t right. I can’t be in a relationship right now with my mind all messed up.”
Her lips had gone numb with disappointment.
“What does this mean for Shanna, then? She adores you. She’s just getting to know you.”
Raw despair flickered over Tucker’s face. “I adore her, too. But I have to do this. I need some time to get away and get my head on straight. I need to figure things out. An important chunk of my memory is missing, and until I have it back, I can’t give you my whole self. I can’t give anybody my whole self.” He swiped a hand over his eyes. “I hoped it would come back on its own, but maybe I need to try a different tack.”
“Where are you going, then?” It was an absurd demand, and she knew it. She just didn’t care.
“I’m coming out of retirement for a gig.” His jaw worked. “One of my favorite magazines called. They want me to do a spread on a certain section of the Rockies. The money’s good, and it’ll give me time to do some thinking and figure things out.”
Money. This was all about money. “I intend to pay you back for the equipment you bought.” Why did she feel so desperate? “And your hours. You don’t need to pack up and leave town to replace the money you spent. If you remember, I didn’t ask you to spend that in the first place—”
Tucker waved a hand, cutting her off. “I don’t want your money. I’d rather you put it back into the clinic. Or save it for Shanna.”
Avery’s stomach sank. Tears sprang to the corners of her eyes, and one slipped out before she could stop it. Tucker sounded like he wasn’t going to come back, and all her worst nightmares had come true. She never should have entertained the idea of trusting him. She’d known better, from the day he showed up on her doorstep, confused and bleeding. Wounded. He’d been wounded, and she’d let him in. And in return, he’d wounded her. Again.
“You broke my heart the first time you left.” Avery’s voice wavered. She hated it, but there was no choice but to go on. “I won’t let you do it again.” A painful pressure took up residence in her lungs. Every breath was a struggle. “I—I’ve started to fall in love with you.” No. No. She shouldn’t be saying this, but now that she’d started, there was no stopping it. “I want you to be in my life. And I want you to be in Shanna’s life. But if you walk out on us right now, then—” She heard a strange whistling sound, like a kettle at a boil, only it was her own emotions raging. “When you’re done with your pity party about your actions in the past, it might be too late.” Avery stood tall. “Don’t expect things to be the same when you come back.”
Tucker said nothing.
The silence hurt more than everything else together—the last ten years, all the things that had happened between them while he was at her house…everything. It was more than a blow to her heart. It shook
her to the core, to the soul. Avery’s throat ached. Why wouldn’t he just say something? Anything? She waited, and in spite of herself, she hoped. Five heartbeats ticked by, and then ten.
Too long. She’d waited too long. Avery turned on her heel and went out into the cold. She took deep gulps of the air, trying to get herself under control. Was she going to be sick? Maybe. But she wouldn’t do it here, in Tucker’s front yard. No way. She threw herself behind the front wheel of her truck and turned the key in the ignition, then backed out into the road.
Away, away, away, a voice cried inside her. Avery didn’t want to drive to her own farmhouse. She wanted to keep driving far into the day, and into the night, so far that she never thought about Tucker again.
But that was the thing, wasn’t it? She would think about Tucker. There was nowhere on the earth far enough from Benton Ridge. No distance would erase him from her mind. Avery found herself in her own driveway minutes later with no memory of the drive. Maybe that was how Tucker felt about their breakup, but she didn’t believe him. She still didn’t believe him. It was another excuse to leave her. He’d probably been planning to use it all along.
She stumbled across her driveway and up the porch steps. Why had she thought it was a good idea to buy this place? She’d known all along it was right next to the Wells property. She’d known all along that running into him would be inevitable. It had been a terrible mistake. The worst mistake of her life, aside from falling in love with him in the first place.
Avery made it into the hallway and slammed the door behind her. She caught herself on the bannister and took a deep breath. Maybe she’d make it without crying. But then she felt a cracking sound, a piercing ache, and heartbreak caught up with her. Heartbreak had probably been there all along, waiting.
The first sob took her by surprise, and for once, Avery let it happen. She cried all her heartbreak out, clinging to the banister, and waited for it to pass. But she wasn’t sure it ever would.
17
The mountains weren’t far enough away for Tucker to clear his mind and distance himself from Avery.
He snapped photos with two cameras, capturing the landscape and the view and the snow, and all the while, he thought of her. His mind traced the contours of her face and of her body. After another day of shooting, he came down from the mountain and went to his hotel room.
Tucker collapsed into the bed, pulling the covers up over him. He’d gotten the shots they’d paid for, and now he was in a lonely room by himself. His memory hadn’t returned, filling in those crucial gaps from the breakup, and he stared up the ceiling, thinking. What was he going to do next? He couldn’t go back to Benton Ridge, that was for sure. But the hotel room made him deeply sad. He could only imagine how it would be if he’d brought Avery and Shanna along. Shanna, he figured, would have loved the hotel experience. He could see her enjoying the little soaps and the bottles of shampoo. No doubt she’d find something that interested her to photograph.
His cell phone beeped on the bedside table, and Tucker picked it up, Shanna’s voice echoing in his mind. He’d never wanted to go home to Benton Ridge more in his life. And at the same time, he was desperate to stay away. Guilt ate at him.
A notification waited for him on his phone’s screen.
Gallery opening. New York City. Tomorrow, 8 PM.
He sat bolt upright in the bed. How could he have forgotten? Lisa had come through the photography program at the same time, and now she had a show opening in NYC. It was the dream. Well, not his dream, but hers, at least. He’d forgotten all about it. He hadn’t even booked a flight.
Well, there it was. That was his next move. Go to the gallery opening, support his friend, and then…who knew? He swiped through his phone and booked a flight for the next morning. He’d get there in time for the opening. Once he had the confirmation email, he shrugged his clothes off and crawled back under the covers. When he finally fell asleep, he dreamed of Avery and Shanna. The three of them, sitting around the table, playing cards. In the dream he laughed and laughed, though he could never quite figure out the rules of the game. Avery and Shanna teased him. He woke up with a dull ache in his heart, the way he did every morning.
His plane landed in New York City with just enough time to check into his hotel before he hit the art gallery. Tucker showered, washing off all the travel, and changed, then headed down to the gallery. It was a little place in Midtown, trendy and new. Lisa stood near the door, beaming. She embraced him, then stepped back to look at him.
“Wow,” he said. “You look great, Lisa. Congratulations.”
“You look good, too, Tuck. It’s great to see you here. I invited everybody from the old crew, because I have an announcement.” Lisa smiled meaningfully at him, but he didn’t know what she was talking about. “A big announcement, coming later in the year.” She raised an eyebrow.
“What is it?”
His old friend laughed. “Tucker, can you see me?” She turned to the side, and then he saw—she was pregnant. Very pregnant. His heart broke all over again.
“Congratulations,” he cried. “Matt must be over the moon.”
“Oh, he is.” She grinned wider. “He’s glad the traveling is over for now, though. Go on—check out the photos. And come over for breakfast tomorrow, would you? Our place. Matt’s cooking.”
“I wouldn’t miss it.” Lisa was swept away by more well-wishers, and Tucker went over to the prints on the walls. He tried his very best to enjoy them.
They were wonderful. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that the theme of the exhibit was families.
Lisa had traveled all over the world, photographing families. A family in a remote Brazilian village, read one plaque. A family in France, read another. They looked out at him from the frames on the wall. We took our family around the world to get these photographs, the brochure read. It reminded him of the moment that he and Avery stopped saying “I” and “you” and started saying “we.” Around that same time, Avery had started talking about her hopes and dreams again. Beyond just the pragmatic of the business, and of running her house. Her dreams.
His heart beat faster in a combination of hope and certainty and dread. He wanted to be a “we” with Avery and Shanna.
He wanted it more than anything.
The next morning, Tucker took his camera bag and went to Lisa’s apartment for breakfast. Her husband, Matt, opened the door, and he felt like they were right back in college. The air brimmed with possibility. Lisa sat at the kitchen table, surrounded by notebooks and her camera.
“You hungry, Tuck?” she called.
“I am, but I have a question.”
“Shoot.” She looked up at him with a curious smile.
“Do you still have a dark room?”
Lisa laughed. “We do. Do you need to develop some photos?”
“If you wouldn’t mind.”
Lisa didn’t mind, and he shut himself in the dark room with a thundering heart. It was time to develop that old roll of film. Past time.
He worked carefully, because rushing in a dark room only left you with ruined photos. One after the other, he uncovered photos from ten years before. Most of them were candids of Avery. Avery on the bleachers in the gym. Avery standing by her locker. Avery grinning at him on the bus. Avery in the middle of the football field. Avery running, her hair flying behind her. He saw so much of Shanna in the photos that it took his breath away.
He loved her.
The photos all around him were what did it—they brought the memory of the breakup into full focus. The missing piece burst into the light, clear as day. It had been there in his breaking heart and the sick feeling that rolled over his stomach in waves. It had been there in the words he didn’t say to Avery.
Her words echoed in his mind now, and he understood why they’d rattled him so badly.
Tucker had broken up with her because he loved her.
Because he wanted to see her live her dreams.
Because he couldn’t
stand the thought of taking her dreams away from her so he could live his. He’d felt the call of photography and travel as strongly as he’d felt anything, aside from his love of Avery. He had to see where that road took him. But he couldn’t do it at the expense of her dreams. He’d thought he was making the right choice for both of them.
Tucker froze. Avery was right. She’d been right all along. He hadn’t respected her choices. By trying to be her hero, he’d left her broken and alone at the time in her life when she’d needed him the most.
He held his breath, feeling like he was standing at a fork in the road. Only this time, when he chose a direction, there was no going back. He could either move farther away from her, into a life separate from Avery, or he could go home and stay. But he had to make up his mind, and he needed to do it now.
Because he’d hurt her. He’d hurt her very deeply ten years ago, and he’d reopened the wound by hanging around so much. By insisting on helping out at the clinic. By being there, every time she turned around. Tucker had wanted to be her hero.
But Avery didn’t need a hero.
She needed him to be part of a “we.” She needed a true partner.
Tucker took a step back and looked from one photo to the other. He needed to go out and see his friends. He needed to participate in breakfast. Once the photos were dry, he could come back to collect them. It would be like collecting little bits of his past—little bits of his memories. And once he’d done that, he needed to figure out what to do.
He’d made one decision—and it was to be with Avery. That much was clear. But how was he going to win her back? How did a hero win the damsel when she wasn’t in distress? How did the swashbuckler step back and let the damsel take the lead?
Lisa called to him, and Tucker laughed out loud. It mattered, in the end, what he did—of course it mattered. But nothing mattered more than proving to Shanna and Avery that he was there for the long haul. No matter what.