by Karina Halle
“It’s true. I confirmed it with Jeff. They broke up. He caught them…”
I shake my head. “No. Anders wouldn’t do that to me…” But I’m immediately flooded with images of them together. Jen is blonde and skinny and tough as nails. Actually, she’s a bitch, in the way she’s super mean to the girls but super nice to the boys, so that if you ever complain about her, all the dudes are all “What are you talking about, she’s so sweet?” and blah blah blah.
Fuck!
This is making sense now. I don’t want it to, especially after this shit week, the fact that I’m fucking pregnant with his fucking baby, but suddenly I know that what Everly is saying is real. It’s real. It’s why he’s been pulling away.
Because he’s found someone else.
Oh my god.
I turn around and punch the locker next to me, hard.
Ow! It hurts like hell. Why did I do that?
“Shay!” Everly cries out. “Don’t hurt yourself. He’s not worth it.”
“How could he do this to me?” I cry softly, shaking out my fist, aware that people are looking at me. “And her! She was supposed to be our friend. My friend! That stupid skanky bitch!”
“Yeah, well, I called it after she started dating Jeff. Too bad I don’t feel sorry for him.”
I can’t believe it. Tears rush to my eyes, my chest feels like it’s going to close off all the air. I need to get out of here. I can’t be here anymore.
“I’m going home,” I tell her, trying to keep the tears from falling. I grab my backpack and slam the locker shut, my hands shaking as I get the lock on. “I’ll walk.”
“I’ll drive you,” she says, putting her arm around me.
“You can’t skip English. You’re failing.”
“Just watch me. You’re my best friend Shay, I’m not leaving you at a time like this.”
I sigh, feeling so much sadness choking me but grateful for Everly.
It isn’t until we’re getting in her car that I say through my tears, “Well, since you’re my best friend, there’s something else I need to tell you. Something that happened to me this week.”
“What?”
And then I fill her in on the pregnancy tests.
And then about how my relationship with Anders was silently disintegrating over the last few months.
And that I still haven’t told him.
Not sure that I’m going to now.
In fact, I never want to see him again.
But when Everly comes over and we order pizza with Hannah, when we’re talking in my room later about everything, Everly gets a text from Jenny Bishop.
There’s a party tonight at Doug Campbell’s house right now.
And Anders is there.
I jump to my feet and immediately head to my closet.
“What are you doing?” Everly says.
“I’m finding the hottest dress I own,” I tell her, riffling through, rage and revenge thrumming through me. “And then we’re going to that party.”
“Shay,” she says carefully. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re pregnant.”
I whip around and look at her. “That’s the excuse? I’m pregnant? You don’t have to come. But I’m going. I’m going to tell him we’re through and that I know. I’m going to make sure everyone knows what a lying, cheating douchebag he is.”
Everly sighs, looking down at the carpet for a moment. Then she looks up at me and shrugs. “Fine. Can I borrow a dress?”
The both of us attack my closet again, looking for the perfect things to wear. Everly is smaller than me, both in weight and in height, but I have a black bodycon dress I got from Wet Seal that fits her just fine. I decide to go for something as equally curve-hugging, my yellow satin halter top paired with my yellow heels and dark skinny jeans. I have a fairly large chest that I like to keep under wraps, but Anders was in love with my boobs, so I figure I might as well show them off while I can and make him regret losing me like this.
I’m in the bathroom, adjusting my top, when I’m suddenly hit with the enormity of what’s happening. I nearly collapse to the floor, I have to hold onto the edge of the sink to keep me up.
He cheated on me.
Anders had sex with a friend of mine.
He got naked in front of her. She got naked in front of him. They were together, his dick was inside of her. He made her moan, maybe even made her come. He definitely came. He was intimate with her in the ways that he was only supposed to be with me. I thought he loved me. I thought I was special to him. He always called me his sparrow, this bird he felt so lucky to hold in the palm of his hand, and all he did was lure me to him, keep me trapped, then close his hand over me until I was crushed.
I didn’t even notice. Didn’t even notice what he was doing to me. I knew he had pulled away, I felt the cold and the distance, but I just hoped it was something we could work through. That we would come back together like before, but stronger. I gave him space because I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, the one he would love forever. I did everything right.
And he didn’t care. He used me. Used my heart. Used my body.
And now I’m fucking knocked up. I’m actually pregnant with his baby and…I don’t want to tell him. I’m not going to tell him. I’m getting an abortion and that’s that. It’s going to be awful and I’m so fucking scared but I can’t give birth to this baby, especially if I know he’s not even going to be around. There was a tiny, itty-bitty part of me that thought maybe, just maybe, if I told him I was pregnant, that he would want me to keep the baby, that I would for him, thinking that we would be in it together.
I know. It was a stupid part of me, and in a way I’m glad that the awful news got delivered in such a devastating way, because I realize how terrible that would be. Sure, maybe it works for other teen moms and they turn out okay, but for all I know Anders would skip town and head back to Norway if he found out.
And so, he won’t find out.
I’ll keep this a secret, between me, and Hannah, and Everly.
And I’ll figure out some way to move on from Anders.
I just have to confront him first.
I stare at myself in the mirror, breathing in deep through my nose, trying to steel my nerves. I let the anger flow because it is better to be angry than sad. Anger I can work with.
I burst out of the bathroom, feeling like a million bucks, fueled by vengeance. “Let’s go.”
Since we’re not planning on drinking or staying at the party for long, Everly drives us over to Doug’s house. It’s on the outskirts of town, so it takes a bit to get there, and by the time she pulls her car down the cul-de-sac, people haphazardly parked everywhere, I’m trying to fight down a wave of nausea again. I’m so nervous and angry and sick, I’m not sure what to do with myself and I’m second-guessing everything.
God, I hope Jen isn’t here. I’m not a violent person and my hand still hurts from punching the locker earlier, so I can’t imagine punching someone in the face. But I’m so angry, I don’t know what I’m going to say, and Jen is one of those chicks who loves fighting other girls. Looking back, I’m not really sure why Everly and I were friends with her to begin with. I guess she just seemed cooler than us. Turns out, she wasn’t. She was just a bitch.
“We can go back home,” Everly says to me as she puts the car in park.
I shake my head, holding my fists so tight that my nails make marks in my palms. “No. Let’s go in. I’m fine.”
All a lie, of course.
We get out of the car and head across the street. Music is thumping, there are some people I recognize making out on the porch. The neighborhood is quiet and though the other houses aren’t that close, it probably won’t be long until the party is shut down.
We go inside, Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” blasting, and I swear everyone is looking at me. I know I always think that, but this time I know they are. They whisper to each other behind their red plastic cups, and I hear someone go, “Holy shit, Shay is here.”
Which means everyone already knows that Anders cheated on me with Jen Brown.
I can see it in their eyes. The pity. They all feel sorry for me.
I raise my chin and pretend like I don’t care.
“Shay,” Erin Spence, who I have math with, comes over to me. I don’t think she’s ever talked to me before. “What are you doing here?”
I give her a nasty look, enough that she shrinks back a little. “I’m friends with Doug.”
“No, I know, but…” she leans in. “Anders is here. I heard what happened…”
“Where is he?” I ask, my teeth grinding together.
She nods toward the sliding door in the dining room that leads to the backyard.
I glance at Everly over my shoulder and her eyes go wide. Perhaps she didn’t think that the first thing I’d do would be to seek out Anders, but I’m not here to mingle and I’m not fucking around.
I march past Erin, past the group of guys who go “Oooooh noooooo here she comes!” and through the dining room, pulling open the sliding door, Everly on my tail.
Outside there’s just a few people milling about, drinking, laughing, and then I see Anders talking to Ted Lee, in what appears to be a deep, drunken conversation.
Everything in me stills. Anders has this hazy look in his eyes and he still hasn’t looked over at me yet. I watch him for a moment, conscious of the crowd of people at my back, wishing I could be alone with him.
More than anything, I wish I could turn back time. Wish I could go back to when I felt Anders pull away, wish that I could have done something, anything, to stop him from sleeping with someone else. I wish we could go back to the early days, when we were so in love, when we didn’t need anything except each other.
My heart is torn open and bleeding for him and nothing will ever be the same.
Finally, Anders lifts his head. Looks at everyone.
Looks at me.
Shame washes across his brow.
And the anger inside me rears its ugly head.
Before I know what’s happening, I’m walking across Doug’s lawn toward Anders. Marching, actually. A broken-hearted girl with so much pain to give.
“Anders!” I bark at him, and someone in the background goes “ooooh” but I don’t even care anymore if people are watching. Let them see.
Ted looks at me fearfully, probably because of the violence on my face, and he quickly steps aside, walking away from Anders, deserting him.
“Shay,” Anders says, his voice making me unravel further.
I can’t stop myself.
I walk right up to him and SLAP him hard across the face.
He stares at me, stunned.
My palm stings.
Adrenaline rushes through me.
Behind us, the crowd lets out a quiet gasp.
“How dare you!” I scream at him. “How dare you sleep with her? How dare you do that to me!”
And then I slap him again, harder this time.
His mouth drops open, his hand going to his cheek.
I’m breathing hard, trying not to cry, my chest collapsing on itself.
And I’m staring at him, waiting for him to say something, to tell me why. We’re all waiting for it.
But he doesn’t say anything. The look of guilt and shame grows heavier on his brow and he just shakes his head slightly.
“What!?” I yell, throwing my hands out. “What is it? Tell me something! Anything!”
He swallows hard. “I’m so sorry.”
I blink, my face hot. “That’s it? You’re sorry? That’s all I get?”
His eyes grow wet. “I fucked up. I fucked up, Shay, and I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks.
Not good enough.
I’m this close to telling him that I’m pregnant, to really rub that in. But I don’t want my classmates to know. They’d judge me. They’d especially judge me after getting an abortion. I have to keep that secret tucked away, forever.
“Fuck you,” I tell him. “Fuck you for making me trust you. Fuck you for breaking my heart! I loved you! I loved you and you threw it away!”
“Shay,” he says, making a move for me, but I rip out of his way.
“Don’t!” I scream, the tears now spilling down my cheeks, breakdown imminent. “Don’t you dare try to touch me. It’s over. We’re through. I never ever want to see you again.”
I whirl around and march to the gate at the side of the house, Everly running behind me.
“Don’t worry, you won’t,” I hear Anders say quietly.
I believe him, too.
My heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.
14
Shay
Now
The surest way to turn a good situation into an awkward one is to let your ex-boyfriend kiss you in a barn whilst milking a cow, and then proceed to get caught by his disapproving uncle.
This was exactly the kind of thing that I was trying to avoid.
And believe me, I was trying to avoid it.
It’s just hard when…well, fuck. It’s hard when it’s Anders. I know we have all this tumultuous history between us, that we never got the closure we needed from each other, or at least I never did, but even if I didn’t have all that with him, I’d be in over my head.
I mean, look at him. He’s built like a Nordic god, gorgeous from head to toe, and would definitely rack up all the views if he ever put out a Tik Tok with him chopping wood or doing other manly mountain stuff or whatever. And then there’s his soul. So damaged and soft and he doesn’t even try to hide it. He’s got the artist’s heart beating underneath a laborer’s body and sometimes there’s such purity to him that it catches me off guard. Any woman worth her salt would feel revered, respected, and adored in his presence.
And yet, I can’t seem to forget what he did to me. And I know it was so long ago, I know I shouldn’t care anymore, but it’s become this big steel wall that slams shut every time I think about giving in to him. Every time I think, maybe this can work? And even if it can’t, maybe it can work for now? What’s so wrong with hooking up with your ex for a few weeks before you part ways? Isn’t that what most people do, especially if there is unfinished business between them? Maybe I’m the one who’s being the problem here.
Actually, I know I am. Because for that brief moment when he caught me before the walls could come down, when he kissed me, I felt something inside me break open, something I’d been trying to hide.
It scared me to death, to have that feeling again, to feel that alive, even if it only lasted for as long as his lips were on mine, for his hands to coast over my body, feeling so much more than it ever did.
And now, well, everything is awkward. Per caught us in a compromising situation and immediately needed my help with the sheep. Thankfully he didn’t bring it up again (and if he did, I didn’t notice—score one for not understanding much Norwegian) and by the time I was done and headed back in the barn to change out of my oversized jumpsuit, Anders had taken off on his motorbike.
He’s been gone most of the day.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I hung around the house for a bit, tried to make small talk with Per, but it’s not easy when neither of you speak the same language, so I just sat down in the living room with him, on the floral-covered couch, and watched some reruns of MASH, subtitled in Norwegian, then made us both cut up pears with local goat cheese and crackers, which I think Per begrudgingly enjoyed (despite having his own orchard, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a piece of fruit cross his lips).
Now, well, I figured there’s no sense in stewing in my bedroom. I decide to grab the old camera that Anders gave me and go for a long walk down the road, hoping to hit up some of the really photogenic houses. There’s still film in the camera, and I have no idea how old it is, but I figure it’s worth a shot. At the very least, it gives me time to stew over what happened and over-analyze the shit out of it. You know, what I do best.
I walk down the lane, taking
in a deep breath through my nose, smelling the fresh air. At the edge of the property, there’s a hint of the ocean, which is as calm as a lake. A few sheep walk along the water’s edge, nibbling at flowers. On the other side of me the mountains rise up and up, their peaks disappearing behind puffs of cloud. At first the mountains made me feel grounded, being so enclosed in this valley, but now I have a sense of vertigo, like if I look up too high the mountain will crush me.
But that’s just a metaphor, isn’t it?
Because I’m scared.
Scared that being with Anders, physically, intimately, will somehow undo all my resolve. He ruined me so badly that it took so much time and emotional energy to learn to be the person who would never make that mistake again. Yes, things with Danny went south, but I never felt like my heart, like the soul of me, was on the line.
Now, it feels like it is. It shouldn’t. But knowing that doesn’t make the feeling go away. If I give in to Anders, if we make things even more complicated than they already are, am I strong enough to walk away unscathed this time?
I keep walking and taking photos until I’ve run out of film. I don’t know how much time has passed, it’s hard when the sun stays up so late, but the birds are chirping and there’s a cool breeze in the air. Every corner is a new vista waiting to take your breath away.
Honestly, in another life, I could live here. To be surrounded by this beauty all the time, to slow down to a simple pace of life. It’s the kind of place that makes your heart dream.
I hear the motorbike from behind me, slowly growing louder, and my ribs suddenly feel too tight. In moments the sound engulfs me and Anders pulls up, looking too cool for school, a backpack slung over one shoulder.
“Where are you going?” he asks me, as if I’m a stranger who needs a lift.
“Just going for a walk,” I tell him. I lift up the camera. “Taking pics.”
He manages a smile. “I’m glad you’re using it. Is there even film?”
I nod. “Used it all though.”
“Ah but that’s the kind of camera that always gives you one last shot.”
“One last shot?”