Again she faltered. Should she skip talking with him? No, she needed to know how Jacob was doing because he would be returning to school tomorrow. Because she was racked with jealousy—and she couldn’t pretend it was anything else—didn’t mean she could relinquish her obligations to her scholars.
The thought added strength to her steps as she left the house lights behind and strode toward the barn. She’d reached the edge of the yard when she heard a voice.
“Guten owed,” said someone from the shadows.
Esther peered through the dark, wondering who’d called a “good evening” to her. Her eyes widened when Alvin Lee stepped out into the light flowing from the barn door in front of her. He hadn’t attended church services or any other community function since the last time she’d spoken with him, the night she refused to be part of his reckless racing any longer.
There was no mistaking his bright red hair and his sneer. He used that expression most of the time. He had on the simple clothes every Amish man wore, but everything was slightly off. His suspenders had shiny clips peeking out from where he’d loosened his shirt over them. His hair was very short in the style Englischers found stylish and the faint lettering of a T-shirt was visible beneath his light blue shirt. She couldn’t read the words, but the picture showed men wearing odd makeup and sticking out their tongues. She guessed they belonged to some Englisch rock-and-roll band.
She waited for her heart to give a leap as it used to whenever he appeared. Nothing happened. Her heart maintained its steady beat. She murmured a quick prayer of praise that God had helped it heal after Alvin Lee had turned his back on her because she didn’t want to go along with his idea of fun and games.
“Heading toward the singing?” He leaned one elbow nonchalantly against the tree. He thought such poses made him look cool.
Cool was the best compliment he could give anyone or anything. In retrospect, she realized he’d never used it while describing her. Not that she needed compliments, then or now. They led to hochmut, something Alvin Lee had too much of. He was inordinately proud of his fancy buggy and his unbeaten record in buggy races. Though he’d never admitted it, she’d heard he’d begun wagering money with friends, Amish and Englisch, on his driving skills and his horse’s speed. That would explain how he could afford to decorate his buggy so wildly.
“The singing was earlier today,” Esther said, selecting her words with care. What did he want?
“Glad I missed it. Singings are boring, and nobody ever wants to sing music I like.” He flexed his arm, and she saw the unmistakable outline of a package of cigarettes beneath his shirt. Smoking wasn’t forbidden by the Ordnung, and some older farmers in the area grew tobacco, but it wasn’t looked upon favorably, either. “I’m sure it was boring as death.” He pushed away from the tree. “Attending singings is for the kids, anyhow. Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll have some real excitement?”
At last, she realized why he’d shown up after dark. He was looking for people to race with and drink with, and she didn’t want to think what else he had in mind. She didn’t want any part of it. Not any longer.
“I’m not interested.” She turned to walk away.
He stepped in front of her again, blocking her way. “Hey, Essie, are you mad at me?”
“No.” She didn’t feel anger at him any longer. Nor did she feel special, as she used to when he called her by that nickname. She didn’t feel anything but dismay at how he was risking his life for a few minutes of excitement.
“Are you sure? You act like you’re mad.” His ruddy brows dropped in a frown. “Is it because I asked Luella to ride with me one time?”
“No,” she answered, glad she could be honest when he wasn’t. New reports of him and Luella riding together in his garish buggy were whispered almost every weekend. Esther had to be grateful that Alvin Lee hadn’t decked out his buggy when she was riding with him. Otherwise, rumors would have flown about her and him, as well. “I’m not interested tonight.”
“Sure you are, Essie. You’ve always been interested in fun.”
“Not your kind of fun. Not anymore.”
His eyes narrowed. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“How many different ways do I have to tell you I’m not interested?”
“They got to you, didn’t they? Broke your spirit and made you a Goody Two-shoes.”
She wasn’t quite sure who “Goody Two-shoes” was, but the insult was blatant. “Nobody’s broken my spirit. I’ve simply grown up.” She flinched when she remembered uttering those same words to Nathaniel after they’d gone to Titus Fisher’s house.
She hurried away, leaving Alvin Lee to grumble behind her. Relief flooded her. She’d spoken with him for the first time since he’d crushed her heart, and she hadn’t broken down into tears or been drawn into being a participant in his dangerous races. Maybe she was, as she’d told him and Nathaniel, finally putting her childish ways behind her.
Esther heard him stomp away in the opposite direction. He hadn’t pulled his buggy into the barnyard as the others had. With a shudder of dismay, she realized he’d cut himself off from the community as surely as Jacob once had. Would Alvin Lee see the error of his ways and reach out to others again as the boy was doing? Or was he too much a victim of hochmut to admit he was wrong?
She continued toward the barn. She wanted to talk to Nathaniel more than ever. She needed to listen to him. He didn’t focus completely on himself. Even his idea of adventure was doing something important for his family, not something to give him a few moments of triumph over someone else.
As she neared the men, they were laughing together. She started to call out, but paused when she heard Nathaniel say, “Ah, I understand you now, Daniel. Playing the field is gut in more than baseball.”
Her twin brothers roared in appreciative laughter before Micah replied, “Now there will be two of you leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake.”
“No, I wouldn’t do that,” Daniel said with a chuckle.
“No?” challenged Micah.
“No, and nobody seems to wonder if I’ve got a broken heart.”
His twin snorted. “Because nobody’s seen any sign of it.”
“I like to enjoy the company of lots of girls, and they enjoy my company.”
“Because they think you’re serious about them.” Micah’s voice lost all humor. “I got a truly ferocious look this afternoon from Celeste Barkman until she realized I wasn’t you, baby brother.”
Nathaniel laughed along with Daniel before changing the subject to the upcoming World Series.
Esther knew she should leave. None of them had noticed her yet, and she shouldn’t stand there eavesdropping. Yet, if she moved away, they would see her and realize she’d been listening.
The quandary was resolved when Nathaniel and her brothers walked toward the parked buggies. They didn’t glance in her direction.
She turned and hurried toward the house. She was a short distance from the kitchen door when it opened, and Celeste and Katie Kay rushed out. They were giggling together as they told her gut nacht.
Thin arms were flung around her waist, and she smiled as Jacob hugged her.
“Are you leaving now?” she asked.
“Ja. Will you be coming to visit the alpacas soon?”
“I hope to.”
“You could drive me home after school tomorrow, and you could see them then.” He looked at her with expectation.
She hid her astonishment when he called Nathaniel’s farm “home.” Not once had he described Titus’s place as anything other than his onkel’s house. It was a tribute to Nathaniel that the boy had changed. She was grateful to him for helping Jacob, but she shouldn’t be surprised. Nathaniel had welcomed the boy as if he were a member of his own family from the very first. Though she was disturbed by how contemptuous Nathaniel had sounded about courti
ng, she had to admit he’d done a wunderbaar job with Jacob.
Why had Nathaniel talked about playing the field as her brother Daniel did? She’d heard what sounded like admiration and perhaps envy in his voice at her brother’s easy way with the girls.
“Esther?”
Jacob’s voice broke into her thoughts, and Esther smiled at the boy. “Ja. I’d like to check on the alpacas.” She refused to admit she’d accepted the invitation so she could see Nathaniel without everyone else around to distract him.
“I’ll tell Nathaniel!” With a wave, he ran toward where the buggies were beginning to leave.
Esther didn’t follow. She stayed in the shadows beneath a tree as buggy after buggy drove past. Some contained families or married couples. Others were courting buggies, some with one passenger but most with two. Only one held three crowded in it: Nathaniel’s.
She turned to watched Nathaniel’s courting buggy head down the farm lane. From where she stood, she could hear Celeste’s laugh drifting on the night air. That Jacob was riding with them, acting as a pint-size chaperone, didn’t lessen the tightness in her chest or the burning in her eyes.
Nathaniel couldn’t ask to drive Esther when she was already home, but why did he have to ask flirtatious Celeste, who hadn’t made any secret of her interest in him? Why hadn’t he spoken a single word to Esther all day?
Because you avoided him. Oh, how she despised the small voice of honesty in her mind! Ja, she’d found ways to stay away from him, but what would it have mattered if she’d shadowed him as Katie Kay and Celeste had? He was enjoying playing the field, an Englisch term for enjoying the company of many single girls. And you told him you weren’t interested.
She’d been sincere when she said that, but was beginning to see her attempts to protect her heart by not risking it had been futile. Her heart ached now more than it had when Alvin Lee pushed her out of his life. God had led her away from that dangerous life, and she should be grateful He’d been wiser than she was. She was, but that did nothing to ease her heart’s grief.
God, help me know what to feel. She longed to pray for God to give her insight into why Nathaniel had gazed at her with such strong emotions while they rode from the hospital...and days later blithely drove past her with another woman by his side.
Abruptly the night had become far colder—and lonelier—than she’d guessed it ever could.
* * *
Nathaniel turned his buggy onto a shortcut between the Barkman farm and his own. He hadn’t planned to go so far out of his way when Jacob needed to be at school tomorrow. However, at this time of night, the winding, hilly road was deserted and the drive was pleasant. As the moonlight shone down on the shorn fields, he was alone save for his thoughts because Jacob was asleep.
He’d enjoyed the wedding more than he’d expected he would. Seeing friends whom he’d known as a kind had been fun, and he was glad they hadn’t jumped the fence and gone to live among the Englischers. Several had married someone he never would have guessed they would. Time had changed them, and he knew they’d faced challenges, too, because they spoke easily of what life had thrown at them since the last time Nathaniel had visited his grandparents. Among the conversations that were often interrupted when someone else recognized him, nobody seemed to notice he said very little about his own youth.
He’d deflected the few questions with answers like, “Things aren’t different in Indiana from here,” or “Ancient history now. My brain is full of what I need to do at the farm. There isn’t room for anything else.” Both answers were received with laughter and commiserating nods, which made it easy to change the conversation to anyone other than himself.
However, he hadn’t had a chance to spend any time with Esther. He’d known she’d be busy in her role as a Newehocker, but he’d hoped to have some time with her. She hadn’t come to the singing, though he wouldn’t have had much time to talk with her. The singing had gone almost like the one after church. Katie Kay Lapp had monopolized his time that day, not giving him a chance to speak to anyone else. At this afternoon’s singing, she’d been flirting with a young man who was a distant cousin of the Stoltzfus family.
He’d been greatly relieved, until Celeste Barkman had pushed past several other people and lamented to him that her brother was going home with someone else and she didn’t have a ride. As the Barkman farm wasn’t too far out of his way, Nathaniel had felt duty-bound to give her a ride. He hadn’t thought much about it until he happened to glance at the Stoltzfuses’ house and saw Esther standing alone beneath one of the big trees.
She’d looked upset, though the shadows playing across her face could have masked her true expression. If she’d been disconcerted, was it because he was giving Celeste a ride? An unsettling thought, especially when Esther had stressed over and over she wanted his friendship and nothing more. Why wasn’t she being honest with him?
Shouts came behind him, and Nathaniel tightened his hold on the reins. He’d been letting the horse find its own way, but the raucous voices were mixed with loud music coming toward him at a high speed. As Jacob stirred, Nathaniel glanced in his rearview mirror. He was surprised not to see an Englischer’s car or truck.
Instead, it was a buggy decked out with more lights and decals than any district’s Ordnung would have sanctioned. What looked like Englisch Christmas lights were strung around the top of the buggy, draped as if on the branches of a pine tree. He wondered how either the driver or the horse could see past the large beacons hooked to the front of the buggy. Twin beams cut through the darkness more brilliantly than an automobile’s headlights. The whole configuration reminded him of decked-out tractor-trailers he’d seen on the journey from Indiana to Paradise Springs.
Who was driving such a rig? He couldn’t see into the vehicle as it sped past him on the other side of the road, though they were approaching a rise and a sharp corner. Large, too-bright lights were set next to the turn signals at the back, blinding him. When he could see again, it was gone.
He continued to blink, trying to get his eyes accustomed to the darkness again. What a fool that driver was! He prayed God would infuse the driver with some caution.
“What was that?” asked Jacob in a sleepy tone.
“Nothing important. We’ll be home soon.”
“Gut. I want to make sure the alpacas’ pen is clean before Esther comes tomorrow.”
Nathaniel’s hands tightened on the reins, but he loosened his grip before he frightened Bumper. The horse was responsive to the lightest touch.
Trying to keep his voice even, Nathaniel asked, “Esther said she was coming over tomorrow?”
“I asked her. She needs to check the alpacas.”
“The veterinarian did.”
Jacob yawned. “She knows more about them than Doc Anstine does.”
Nathaniel had to admit that was true. She had a rare gift for convincing the shy creatures to trust her as she had with Jacob...and with him. He’d trusted her to tell him the truth, but he wasn’t sure she had.
But you haven’t been exactly honest with her, ain’t so? Again his conscience spoke to him in his grossmammi’s voice.
He pushed those thoughts aside as his buggy crested the hill. He frowned. The flashy vehicle was stopped on the shoulder of the road. Slowing, he drew alongside it.
“Is there a problem?” he asked, bringing Bumper to a halt.
“Not with us.” Laughter followed the raucous reply.
For the first time, Nathaniel realized that, in addition to the driver, there were a woman and two men in the buggy that had been built to hold two people. He wondered how they managed to stay inside when the buggy hit a bump. Two men were dressed in Englisch clothes, but he couldn’t tell if they were Englischer or young Amish exploiting their rumspringa by wearing such styles.
“Nice buggy,” the driver said. In the bright light, his red hair glowed like a fire. “I
t looks as if it were made by Joshua Stoltzfus.”
“I guess so.” He really hadn’t given the matter any thought. It had been in the barn when he arrived at his grandparents’ farm.
“He builds a gut buggy.”
“I can’t imagine any Stoltzfus not doing a gut job with anything one of them sets his or her mind to.”
“Prove it.”
Nathaniel frowned. “Pardon me?”
“Prove it’s gut. We’ll have a race.”
He shook his head, aware Jacob was listening. “I don’t want to race you.”
“Scared I’ll beat you?”
The driver’s companions began making clucking sounds, something Nathaniel had heard young Englischers do when they called someone a coward.
“It doesn’t matter why I don’t want to race,” he said, giving Bumper the command to start again. “I don’t want to.”
The outrageous buggy matched his pace. “But we do.”
“Then you’re going to have to find someone else.” He kept his horse at a walk.
“We will.” The driver leaned out of the buggy and snarled, “One other thing. Stay away from my girl.”
He frowned. The red-haired man was trying to pick a fight, futile because Nathaniel wouldn’t quarrel with him.
When Nathaniel didn’t answer, the driver hissed, “Stay away from Esther Stoltzfus. She’s my girl.”
“Does she know that?” he retorted before he could halt himself.
The other men in the buggy crowed with laughter, and the driver threw them a furious glare.
“Komm on, Alvin Lee,” grumbled one of the men. “He’s not worth it. Let’s go find someone else who’s not afraid.”
The buggy sped away, and Nathaniel wasn’t sorry to see its silly lights vanish over another hill. Beside him, Jacob muttered under his breath.
When Nathaniel asked him what was wrong, Jacob stated, “Racing could hurt Bumper. That would be wrong.”
“Very wrong.”
“So why do they do it?”
Amish Beginnings Page 32