by Sam Mariano
She just hated borrowing books—it was so much better to own them. Someday, when she and Baby Poppy Seed had their own house, she wanted to make one of the rooms a library.
Thinking of the baby by the little nickname she had privately given her only companion made her smile for a minute, and she absently picked up the copy of 1984 she had left lying on the table, thumbing through it and thinking of a different type of book—a baby name book.
Aaron startled her by coming around the corner then, and she wondered why she hadn't heard him—she normally always sensed him coming.
His gaze landed on the book and his eyebrows rose. "You're still reading that?"
Shaking her head, she said, "Sadly, no. I have used up my supply of books in all the alone time I seem to have. Actually, I have one left, but I was saving it for tonight, so…"
"Oh," was his only response, then he walked into the kitchen.
She had thought about calling Jack and asking if she could borrow some of his books—that's how desperate she was getting.
After all, if she didn't have any people or books to keep her occupied, she would be forced to sit there and think about the current state of her life.
Since she knew she wasn't prepared to do that—her life being a bit shabby at the moment—she knew that she would end up finding a person to take the place of her books, and that person would undoubtedly be bad, and more than likely from the recycle bin. Either Matt would be coming around again or she would start distracting Jack from his probably unsuspecting new girlfriend.
She took a moment to feel bad for that girl, because she probably didn't know what she was getting into with him.
"Did I have my cell phone when I came in?" Aaron asked, peeking in at Julie with a frown.
"Um… I don't know, I just saw the folder. If you did, maybe you took it to the bedroom?"
He nodded, then she watched as he reached into a cupboard and scowled. "Damn."
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing," he muttered. "I'm out of Rice Crispy Treats."
Smiling, she managed not to say anything, but she found it kind of adorable that he was a grown man pouting because he was out of Rice Crispy Treats.
Then she frowned, because she realized that was the second or third time in about 12 hours that she found herself applying words like "cute" or "adorable" to Aaron.
Yep, she must be getting bored—she was going to have to make an emergency stop at the bookstore or the library. Maybe if she bought a Shakespeare it would take her longer to get through.
"Uh, Julie?"
She looked up, surprised that Aaron was initiating conversation, but momentarily forgetting she needed a book. "Yes?"
"About last night…"
"Please do not apologize again," she said, looking back down at her book and shaking her head. "It's really not a big deal."
"Well… if you could keep pretty much… all of it to yourself, I would greatly appreciate that."
Frowning slightly, she said, "Who would I tell?"
"I don't know, but even in conversation… Leigh might ask you about last night, if I was really drunk… if you could just…not give her those details."
Nodding slowly, she answered, "Sure, no problem."
Looking uncomfortable, he nodded once. "Thanks." After a brief pause, he said, "Well, I'm going to go to work. Have fun at your other job."
Julie merely nodded, murmuring a goodbye, but on the inside her wheels were turning.
Which part was it that he didn't want Leigh to know about? Of course Julie wouldn't say anything, since he had just asked her not to and she would honor the request, but as the crabby middle-aged waitress she didn't like emerged in her mind, she heard the multiple complaints she was always making about Leigh, about Aaron's implied favoritism. She would complain because Leigh got the best hours, she would complain if Aaron let Leigh do the order, and she always speculated about why Leigh was the only other employee of the café with keys.
Julie realized in that moment that she had never once questioned any of it, and she had always just found Debbie's remarks to be a bit obnoxious.
Why hadn't she ever thought of that? Leigh did seem to be the one person besides Aaron who always worked, she opened every Sunday morning—the most profitable shift of the week—and she was the only person with keys besides Aaron. Aaron answered Leigh's cell phone for her, and Leigh kicked his ex-girlfriend out of his restaurant without even questioning her authority to do so.
And there was no denying that Leigh was obviously fiercely protective of Aaron—why had Julie always categorized that as a sisterly kind of attitude?
As she thought over all of the information she had somehow missed—from the simple fact that Leigh could make him laugh to the less simple fact that Aaron absolutely did not want Leigh knowing what little had happened the night before—she found one question standing out prominently in her mind above all the others: were Aaron and Leigh a couple?
She had no right to care, of course. Honestly, she wasn't even sure why she did.
Apparently she was just a very curious person by nature.
However, while it was something she really wanted to know, she also knew there was no way she was going to be able to ask Leigh about it.
Shrugging it off, Julie told herself it was really none of her business. After all, she was nothing but a means to an end to Aaron—a way to settle some stupid debt that she didn’t even fully understand.
With that thought firmly in mind, she pulled herself up off the couch and went to get ready for the day, determined not to think of it anymore.
---
Somehow Julie managed to forget that there was a reason for winter break—Christmas. She had easily forgotten, because Aaron's house had all the holiday spirit of Scrooge's before the spirits paid him a visit.
She realized it when she walked into Barnes and Noble to purchase a book to entertain herself, and she found the place swimming with Christmas shoppers. (Luckily that reminded her to buy Anna a present while she was there.)
That was when she realized she still had not returned her mother's many phone calls or e-mails.
She was the world's worst daughter, hands down.
When she finally managed to get online and read her e-mail, it was her mother scolding her because she never answered whether or not she was going to come home for Christmas.
Honestly, Julie considered it. She was sure the café could hold up without her paltry contribution, and maybe some time away from the city would do her good, allow her to refocus herself and her energy so she could yank herself out of the slump she had fallen into.
However, her funds were very limited, so she needed to work, and if she went home she was going to end up having to give her mother a more complete explanation of the "I'm pregnant! Merry Christmas!" that she intended on delivering over the phone.
Matt remembered that it was Christmas, so he called Julie to ask when she wanted to see him so he could give her the Christmas gift from him "and Anna."
Since she couldn't really refuse a gift when he added Anna on the end (something he had figured out, no doubt) she tried to think of when she knew Aaron would be at work to invite him over.
Aaron did come home to catch Julie wrapping Anna's present in Winnie the Pooh paper, but he didn't ask any questions—he probably figured since it was a very child-oriented book there was no cause for concern.
Matt brought Anna over for Christmas, which made Julie immensely happy—her favorite present, even though the soft suede Juicy Couture slippers were a close second. On the other hand, he seemed to think—inaccurately— that she was a Juicy Couture kind of girl, because the rest of her present was a pink Juicy Couture handbag with charms hanging off the chain, and it looked like something that Elle Woods should be carrying around—not Julie. Inside, however, he had tucked $50 cash and a $100 gift card to Kohl’s, and that would be helpful when she no longer fit in her clothes.
Anna was enjoying the book Julie b
ought her while Julie opened her presents, and Julie kind of felt bad that she didn't have anything for Matt since he had bought her designer slippers and a handbag—she hadn't even thought of it, and all the presents were not something she was used to. Jack's idea of a present would entail something like, "Well, I bought the beer."
She especially felt bad because while she had been out buying herself and Anna a book, she had also stopped and picked up a box of Rice Crispy Treats, and she put a bow on the box and put it in the cupboard for Aaron. It was goofy, but she wanted to do something for him, and she knew nothing about his hobbies, so she was very limited in what she could get him.
Matt, on the other hand, got nothing.
But she didn't feel too bad about it, considering she was sure Emma would get him something far better than she could anyway.
Honestly, what was with the Juicy Couture? Sure, she knew a couple girls who toted around their Coach, Prada, Juicy Couture and Chloe handbags like they were prizes, but all Julie could think about was how many books she could have bought if he would have just skipped the purse and spent the same amount of money on a Barnes and Noble gift card.
Of course, Emma certainly liked her designer handbags, so that was probably what he was used to, Julie reasoned.
Her biggest Christmas surprise of the season came not from Matt, but from Aaron.
One night as she sat on the couch flipping through the channels with her Juicy slippers keeping her feet warm, Aaron popped in unexpectedly and handed her a little bag with what looked like books in it.
"What…?" she asked, peering inside the bag.
"You said you were out of books," he said gruffly.
The bag contained a slightly worn copy of Brave New World, an old paperback copy of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, and then two of Tolstoy's works—Anna Karenina and War and Peace, both of them beautifully bound but also used. There was also one entitled Selected Works of Emily Dickinson, just in case she was in the mood for poetry.
"I had to guess at what kind you would like, but I was at Half Price Books and I thought of it, so…"
Grinning as she held her copy of Brave New World, she grinned at him. "Thank you so much, Aaron; this was so nice of you."
He shrugged it off. "I remember being a poor college student, it's no big deal."
"That reminds me," she said, jumping up and running in the kitchen, opening the cupboard and pulling out the box of Rice Crispy Treats. "This is very dorky, I'm warning you in advance, so don't laugh at me, but remember that I am a poor college student."
Aaron stood there cautiously, one eyebrow raised.
She pulled the box from behind her back and presented them to him with a grin. "Now you have some."
Reluctantly, he half smiled at the "gift."
That made it worth it, she decided.
"You are a dork," he verified. "But thank you."
"Thank you for the books," she countered, smiling as she sat down and pulled them out, sitting them on the couch. "I didn't even know there was a cheap bookstore in Chicago."
Aaron nodded, but before she could pull him into an actual conversation, he quickly found something to do at the computer for a few minutes, then he was gone again.
Honestly, Julie could not wait for her stupid winter break to end. She felt like she was under house arrest. Aaron still avoided her all the time, even though she had quit wearing the beautiful diamond earrings that had been given to her, and nothing that she ever did could please the man.
He was impossible.
And the man was never home. Julie was stuck at the apartment all by herself, both of her casual school friends away on break, Matt seemingly busy with the domestic tasks of Christmas, Anna still technically banned from seeing her, and the only thing she ever did besides read was work.
She had no life. That much was apparent.
However, with the holiday season she found that she was unable to put it off any longer—she would have to talk to her mother.
Or be lectured, more than likely.
Naturally, that one ended up winning.
"I cannot believe that you haven't spoken to me at all—I miss you, you don't bother to come home for Christmas, you won't respond to my e-mails. I thought maybe Jack had murdered you or something," her mother ranted into the phone.
Grimacing, she figured that was the best chance to dive in. "Actually, Jack and I broke up a while ago," Julie informed her mother.
"You did?" her mother asked, sounding at once pleased. "I mean, that's terrible," she said quickly, trying to amend her tone to come off as more sincere.
Rolling her eyes, Julie said, "Don't worry, I know you never liked him, you don't have to pretend."
"It's not that I never liked him, I just didn't like him carting my daughter off to Chicago." She missed a beat, then went on, "So, when are you going to leave that stupid city and transfer back home? You never even liked it there; you were only there because that's where Jack took you."
Grimacing, Julie could feel her heart pick up the pace as she knew the moment of truth was approaching. "Um, I'm not actually coming back. I'm going to stay at this school—I've already picked out my classes for next semester and everything. There's this one really awesome literature class that I'm taking—”
"Why?" her mother whined, not letting her finish.
Her heart raced even faster, and she sat down, thinking the way she was prowling through the apartment probably wasn't helping.
Finally, she just blurted, "I'm pregnant."
"What?" demanded her mother in disbelief. "No!"
Julie grimaced and sighed. "I know, I know, this was not in the plan, but… I've had lots of time to think this over, I really have, and—"
"That slimy little bastard," her mother interrupted. "Did he leave you when you found out you were pregnant?"
Frowning, Julie faltered, and then she realized her mother would think Jack was the father. Shuddering a little at the thought, Julie said, "No, Mom, I left him. But that's not how it happened. It's complicated, but I left him before I got pregnant."
"And proceeded to get yourself knocked up despite breaking up with him? Great job."
"No, the baby isn't Jack's, Mom. I met someone else, that's why I left Jack."
"You met someone else? At school?"
Even though she had been given plenty of time to think it through, that was the part of her story that kept coming up fuzzy. What exactly did she tell her mom? She didn't really want her mom to know that she had left her loser boyfriend for a married man—it wasn't really the step-up that she wanted it to be, and as she contemplated telling her mother, she realized she was completely ashamed to admit it.
It was funny how she hadn't thought of that before she slept with him.
However, she was saved from having to 'fess up when Aaron walked in a bit noisily, allowing her to use him as an unsuspecting prop.
"Oh, honey, you're here. Listen, Mom, I'm going to have to call you back, I promise I'll explain everything a lot better later. But I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas, give Richie a hug for me."
"Wait, you're not even going to tell me—”
"I really have to go, sorry Mom! Love you! Bye."
And then she hung the phone up very quickly and let out a long, sigh of semi-relief.
Aaron stood there staring at her. "Honey?" he questioned.
"Sorry, it was my mom—she didn't know I was pregnant yet, and I kind of just blurted it out, but… then came the time to explain how that happened, and I didn't feel quite ready to explain… because I haven't actually decided what to tell her," she said, grimacing.
"The truth?" he suggested.
Sighing, Julie sat down on the couch miserably, shoulders slumped. "I know, but I just can't bring myself to tell my mom that her only daughter is an adulterous whore at Christmas time!"
Wouldn't you know, that made Aaron crack a smile. "Yeah, your delivery might need a little softening," he admitted.
"I just… don'
t understand," she said, burying her face in her hands. "I don't understand how this happened, how I did this. I really don't. I mean, sure, if I'm in an isolated little bubble where there are no consequences and no explanations…I don't have to own up to it. But I knew I didn't live in that world—what the hell was I thinking?" Then, without pausing to let him answer, she answered herself. "Well, I was thinking that I wouldn't get pregnant, that's what I was thinking. Some fucking luck, the one time that you skip the condom…"
He waited for a few seconds, and she really didn't expect much of a response from him, given his feelings toward her, so she was a little surprised when he said, "Well, you know, if you really don't want the baby there are other options. I'm not talking about abortion, so don't think my brother recruited me, but… I mean, there are people who can't even have kids. If you don't want the baby, why not put it up for adoption and let it have a family?"
Shaking her head, Julie said, "No, Poppy—I mean, the baby…I want. I hadn't planned on wanting a baby yet, and I'm sure I wouldn't have wanted one yet if I wouldn't have ended up pregnant, but I do now. It's not the baby I don't want, it's just… I mean, the poor kid. For the rest of its life it's going to be stuck paying for my poor decisions. It's going to be pretty much fatherless because of me. It's going to have a disjointed family because of me. It's going to have the stigma of 'love child' even within its family because of me. Even... Anna. I mean, my kid will have at least one half-sibling, and do you think that they're going to get to play together growing up? No, because of me, because of stupid decisions that I made, and even though this is all my fault, my baby is going to be the one that's going to have to live with it. I am a completely selfish asshole. I never even considered the possibility that what I was doing would hurt some innocent little person. I know Anna seems like the obvious victim, but… I love Anna, I didn't think she would suffer from it. Honestly, I didn't think anyone would suffer…"
Aaron merely watched her, and she found that she couldn't meet his gaze for two reasons. One: she was sure he would have some look of impatience or disgust with her, and she couldn't bear it, because of two: she could feel foolish tears burning behind her eyes.