“Excellent, excellent–”
“Very moving–”
“People are already stirring in the city–”
“This is going to be it, I can tell!”
A shadow falls across us. The crowds close to a murmur. “Good morning,” Rudy quietly booms. “Come to the study.”
Harris is already there. A screen shows news clips from across the city. There’s a whispery energy to every crowd. Something is happening.
“It’s already going viral,” Harris declares.
“We should send in a few small teams to help in case anything gets violent,” Rudy says. “We want to be seen as heroes here, not instigators. We don’t want revenge, only equality.”
Abi appears in the study. She’s dressed for the outside and smells of cold. She’s already been out.
“What's it like out there, Abi?”
“Uh, a little chaotic. Some people look a little wary of us. Others have a lot of questions. Ran into Abe. He looks ready to murder. We may have to neutralise him.”
I cannot tell if she is joking or not.
Rudy shrugs. “We'll pay him off. Men like him are weasels. Easily bought.”
I'm touched Rudy is willing to spend money on our behalf, but Abe makes me uneasy. He is easily bought. He probably knows where we live. Anyone with cash could get him to spill, not to mention the other ways of making people talk...
Rudy turns to Nick. “Are your designs ready? I want one in every ring by tonight.”
“You’re going to the city?” I pipe up before he has the chance to reply.
He nods.
“I should go too–”
Rudy shakes his head. “You’ll draw too much attention right now. We want a presence, not a panic.”
I don’t like the thought of Nick going anywhere without me –is he even recovered enough yet?– but I'm not sure I can dissuade him. It’s his own choice, after all.
“I’ll be all right,” Nick assures me. “Try not to worry–”
“I’m not–” I start, “all right, maybe I am a little bit, but...”
Nick kisses my head, which startles me in full view of Rudy. “It’s all right, I’d feel the same if you were going and I don’t have superpowers to protect me. But I'll be as careful as I can.”
I nod, because I can't think of anything else to say.
“I want you in the first van,” Rudy continues. “We're going to have to stagger people going in. Luckily, it looks like we have a few more allies in the city than before... but be careful who you trust.”
“Always am.”
Rudy squeezes him on the shoulder. “Quickly then!”
I help stack the vans with some of the others, feeling exceptionally useless. Abi is staying behind to monitor things with Harris, but even Mi is going to the city to act as a medic in case things get ugly. He and Nick are on the same team.
“Hey,” says Scarlet, appearing beside me, “don't worry, I'll keep an eye on him.”
“Nick or Mi?”
“Both,” she grins. She looks over at Mi, who is double-checking the medical supplies in the corner.
“You like him, don't you?”
Scarlet's gaze does not waver. “He is rather exceptionally likeable. And stupidly cute.”
“I'm glad you like him.” I'm glad when anyone likes Mi. And they all usually do. But not like this though. This is new for him. “You should tell him.”
“I'd rather like him to get the hint himself...”
Pilot leans out of the driver's seat and hisses something about hurrying up. Before I can even think why, I yank Scarlet into a quick hug. Great, somebody else I care for. Nick, Scarlet... what's next, Pilot?
And it's not just them, is it? I like Julia too. I respect Harris. I grudgingly even respect Rudy. I'm getting to know some of the others here. I'm letting them in, so many of them, and I can't keep them all safe. Some of them are going to hurt me.
But maybe... maybe most of them are worth hurting for.
Nick climbs in last.
“Stay safe,” I tell him, and squeeze his hand. If I kiss him now, I'll never let him go.
His eyes stay on me until the door shuts.
Chapter 53
I am not good at waiting. I pace restlessly around the facility, exploring rooms I didn't notice before. There's a games room off the mess hall where a lot of others are trying to while away the time. The twins challenge me to a game of what they call “foozball”. I cannot tell you who won. Ben enjoys it in there, so I leave him playing with others and go for a walk along the road. I don't have my bow with me, so I can't hunt. I consider going back to the loft to get it, but I don't want to stray too far away from the base in case there's news.
Training in the gym offers some distraction. Other people have had the same idea, and all of them are keen to learn from me and listen to my instruction. Their stamina is much lower than mine though, and within a couple of hours they’re all gasping for a break. We hit the showers and then I visit Harris and Abi, hoping for news. Nothing yet.
Eventually, I wander over to Julia's. She has no patients at present and is busying herself re-stocking supplies.
“Need any help with anything, Doc?”
Julia looks up, perhaps hoping I was the one in need of assistance, but says she’d be grateful for the help nonetheless. She summons a huge list of chores that simply must be done, and by the time we’ve finished I feel like we’ve re-arranged the entire surgery.
We sit down and she hands me a cup of tea.
“How do you do it?” I ask.
She glances at me over the rim of her cup. “Do what?”
“Stay here and wait, all the time?”
She shrugs. “You get used to it.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, Doc–”
“Julia,” she insists.
“Julia, then. I don’t mean to be rude, but you look as anxious as I feel. How can you ever get used to that?”
“I don’t have a choice. I can’t stop myself from caring about them. And if I could... I wouldn’t. Would you?”
I swallow, shaking my head. Life would be easier if I cared less. It would not be better.
My gaze falls on Julia’s shelves. They are stuffed with medical textbooks; volumes of anatomy, infectious diseases, medicinal plants, DNA splicing, surgical procedures, physiology, microbiology... there must be hundreds, all well-thumbed and stuffed with post-it notes.
“Quite the collection you’ve got there.”
“Hmm? This is nothing.”
“You should lend some to Mi. We don’t mind reading for him.”
“He’s a very keen learner. I think he’ll be an excellent doctor one day.”
There’s such a sincerity to Julia’s words, that I can tell she truly believes it. The idea warms me. Mi as a doctor.
A slight creaking of wheels down the corridor. “Harris,” I say, just before he appears. He knocks on the already-open door.
“A couple of reports,” he says briefly. “Some rioting has occurred. A few civilians injured, none of ours that we know of. No dead. Nick has got his first image up; it’s getting a lot of attention.”
“Good,” I say. “That’s... that’s good, right?”
Harris nods. “We might not get much more from them. As soon as the images are up and things are calmer, they’ll be out.” He slides in closer, and pats Julia on the arm. “Try not to worry,” he says softly.
He swivels around and moves out.
“Hey, where’s my arm pat?” I call out after him. I see him grinning, but he doesn’t reply.
I turn back to Julia. “It was nice of him to come and tell us.”
She smiles sadly into her cup. “He’s always nice.”
Chapter 54
Somehow, I get through the day. There aren’t many other reports. Nothing has gotten too wild, and our teams seem to be controlling the crowds pretty well. This is not reported in the main news, but word is still getting out. Good word.
; Night comes, but no one has returned. Rudy has been anticipating this, as the gate is likely to be more tightly controlled, and the riots might flair up again. He urges us all to try and sleep. I tuck Ben into bed, and Abi joins him not long after, citing low-risk numbers and a human need for sleep to function at maximum effectiveness.
I stalk the corridors. Older members sit silently in the mess hall or games room. Julia, Harris and Rudy sit down in engineering, watching the monitors. I could join them, but I don’t think I could handle scanning all the images for Mi, Scarlet and Nick, waiting to see them, panicking when I didn't.
I head to Nick's room instead and lie down on the bed. It smells of him. I cannot for the life of me explain what he smells of, only that his scent fills the sheets and slides into my bones. It makes me feel safe and warm in a way I’m not sure anything else ever has. I have no intention of sleeping, but I hold the pillow close to me, and somehow, eventually, my eyes begin to droop...
I drift somewhere between waking and sleeping, in some voluminous cavern of distorted, shapeless thoughts and visions. There's a feeling of missing something, of a voice inside a void. The images grow stronger, more solid. I am running through a concrete maze. Someone is calling to me, but I don't want to follow. The light lies behind–
Light cuts into the room and I bolt out of bed, my fists raised for a fight.
“Ashe?” Nick asks groggily, “What are you doing here?”
I stop in my tracks, slowing my breathing. “I, er...” There isn't really any way to put this that isn't super embarrassing. “I kinda... came in here... to, you know... be close to you.”
Nick grins, and closes the door. He fumbles for my hand in the dark. I'm glad he doesn't turn on the lights; my cheeks must be glowing something fierce.
“You don't have to be embarrassed about that,” he says, kissing my fingers. “Sorry if I woke you. I wasn’t expecting you here, is all.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not about to move in or anything.”
“I’m not entirely sure that’s the bad thing you’re implying it is...”
“Nick,” I say softly, “it’s too soon for any of that.”
“I know,” he says, “and let’s face it, I’d have to move in with you. You’ve got far more space and a whole family to think about–”
“You mean that? You’d move in with me?”
“Of course.”
“But... you have a family too.”
“You kind of have a kid and that takes precedent. Plus there’s more than enough space for my things. And natural light. And you know... you.”
I slide my arms around him and pull him to the bed. “Let’s have this conversation again in a few months. You might have changed your mind when you realise how messy I am.”
“I can cope with mess.”
“There will be mud on your bedsheets.”
“As long as there’s Ashe in my bedsheets, I will deal.” He kisses my neck, and the kisses quickly descend. We fall together against the mattress, and very quickly I cannot tell where I stop and he begins.
◆◆◆
We stay at the base for a few more days while things fan up and sizzle down. The rioting draws to a close, but there’s an air of things being different now. Every day, a news story pops up about a new government bill, or a story about a missing family member exiled to the slums, or someone who narrowly escaped being labelled a “non-contributor” and how the boundaries need to change. People are hungry for it.
I quickly give up pretending I'm still sleeping in the dorms and spend every spare moment with Nick. We eat together, spar together, walk together, work together, sleep together and, in one highly amusing incident, even shower together. At some point Ben asks if he's coming back home with us.
“Not yet,” Nick’s reply is lightning-fast. I kick him under the table. “Hey! Careful! Not all of us are made of diamonds and rubber.”
Finally, we decide it's safe enough to go home. If they haven’t retaliated by now, they likely aren’t planning on it. Perhaps they've decided it isn’t worth the potentially bad publicity. I'm nervous still, but I hide it from the others. They're anxious to get back to normal. The definition of normal though, has shifted for me. Normal is being with Nick.
“I’ll come to yours tomorrow morning,” he assures me. “You can finally take me into the wilderness.”
Parting from him is not easy, especially since we are surrounded by others at this point, and even though they all know about us, kissing him in front of everyone else seems... awkward. Nick has no such qualms, but can clearly see mine. He hugs me instead, and plants a kiss on my forehead.
“Tomorrow,” I nod. I take Ben’s hand and begin the walk home.
Chapter 55
I do not keenly feel the cold, but my bed seems arctic without him, the extra space voluminous and unnecessary. I don’t like this, the pang of separation, the feeling of being lost without another person. It’s terrifying, it’s dangerous. I do not want to be reliant on him. But what other choice do I have?
Morning seems to take forever to come, and I’m jittery all through breakfast. Mi and Abi smile secretly to themselves as Ben makes himself “a bread sandwich” utterly unaware.
Finally, blissfully, I hear footsteps in the corridor. I leap up, grabbing my quiver and bow, and rush out into the corridor, meeting Nick on the stairs. I crush him into the wall and stand there for some time.
“Uh, good morning!” Nick says when we finally part. He grins sheepishly. “Nice to see you.”
“I guess I should have started with that, huh?”
“I have literally zero issues with your current method of greeting,” he assures me. “Although, sadly, I once more have to remind you... I’m not unbreakable.”
Only now do I realise how roughly I smashed him against the wall. I drop away from him, looking at the ground. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think–”
“Hey, it’s OK. I’m fine. I’d rather be crushed by you than not be with you at all. Way worse.” He comes forward and takes my hand. “There’s only one way you could truly break me,” he says quietly, “and it’s not like that.”
I know what he means, but I’m grateful he doesn’t spell it out.
◆◆◆
The first real frost of the year dusts the woodlands. Every surface glitters. There is a strange, quiet beauty to the morning, that each spent breath seems endless. Time stops, expands, grows meaningless. Nick's hand glows warmly in mine, his warmth spilling into me. There is not one bad thing in the world, in this moment. Every dark thing, every worry or concern, every residue of misery... all is swept away. The haunting shadows of my memories are eclipsed by his presence.
“What a strange feeling,” I mutter under my breath.
“I'm sorry?”
“I was just... admiring the frost. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time.”
Nick smiles, detaching his hand from mine and walking on a little further. “I've never been out here before, you know. This is my first time!”
He does not get very far ahead before I'm beside him again, tugging on his scarf. “Glad I could be one of your firsts,” I tease.
“Oh, you're first in a lot of ways.”
“Go on.”
He swings me around in a circle. “Hmm, let's see... first girl I've been with who could crush me between her thighs. Or arms. Or fingers.”
“Flatterer.”
“First girl who's ever saved my life.”
“I do not believe that Scarlet has not saved your life at some point. Or, you know, Julia?”
“Ah, yes, good point, but I have never been with them–” he pulls a face at the very thought– “so it does not count.”
“What other things I am your first for?”
Nick chews his lip. “So, OK, I'm a bit stumped, but the point is, you are going to be my first for a lot of things, so even doing stuff I've done before feels brand new. You know?”
“You're quite literally the first human being I've c
onnected with, so everything's new for me.”
“Do you honestly not see yourself and the others as human?”
“Hmm... I'm not really sure.”
“Do you think yourself better or worse than us mere mortals?”
“Both. Neither. I don't know. We're just... different.” I swallow, sliding my hand over his chest. His heart beats against my palm. “The same in the ways that matter, though.”
Nick kisses me. “On that, I think we can agree.”
We spend a few more hours in the woods before heading back. I don't catch anything, but I'm not really trying to. This was not the point of today. Today was about showing Nick a piece of my world, so we wander aimlessly about the woodlands, largely hand in hand, with me pointing out areas of interest and Nick being suitably intrigued. We take a break around midday, eat a lunch he's packed for us and drink from a stream. The water is crystal clear and glorious. Everything is glorious today.
I have no desire to return to the slums. It seems infinitely more desirable to stay here with Nick forever, but it is cold and the nights are coming sooner. I can almost see in the dark, but Nick cannot, and the creatures grow more deadly at night.
We arrive back well before evening and decide to stroll into the market to see what's available. It sounds so silly, but even the thought of going to the market with Nick sounds like a lovely idea. A giddiness rises inside me at the very thought of inspecting the wares with his hand in mine. I really am a sap.
The old me would have hated the new me. I don't care. Screw old Ashe. She's as dead to me as Eve is. New Ashe is where it's at.
“I love your smile,” says Nick. “I may not know exactly what's going on inside your head, but it must be a nice thought.”
“Wouldn't you like to know?”
“Always.”
I link arms with him and stop just short of placing my head against his shoulder. I can hear something. Something... bad.
The Phoenix Project: Book I: Flight Page 24