Pain clamped down on her heart like one of the traps her father set for the wild animals that threatened their livelihood.
“So, what do you want to do?” He frowned. “Do you…do you want to…” He swallowed, struggling to get his words out. “Do you want to see other men?”
Nee, I only want to see you, Jacob. I’ve only ever wanted to see you. Was he releasing her from their promise? “Is that what you want?”
“Nee. But I want you to be happy. And if you’re not, then…” He sighed heavily. “Ach, Rachel. This is sehr hard, ain’t so?”
“Jah, it’s hard.” She pivoted. “I…I don’t know, Jacob. Maybe it would be better if I kept attending the gatherings.”
“You’re not giving up on us, are you?” She heard the misery in his voice. “Because if you are…” His fingers troweled through his hair. “Ach, Rachel, I couldn’t bear it. I would not have married your schweschder if it wasn’t for the promise of you. You are the light at the end of my covered bridge.” He chuckled. “Ach, that was cheesy.”
“Jah, it was.” She giggled.
“But you know what I mean.” He raised a hand and caressed her cheek. Ach, how she wished he’d dip his head and kiss her senseless like in times past. Instead he stepped away. “You are my everything, Rachel.”
TWENTY-TWO
It was pure misery. Not only had he been coerced into marrying a woman he didn’t love, now he was forced to stand by while other young men sought out his beloved. Hadn’t Marlin promised Jacob?
Jacob scowled as Elmer Miller carried on a conversation with Rachel. They talked, they laughed, and then they’d left together in his courting buggy. Nee, Rachel could not be courted by anyone else. He couldn’t lose her for sure and for certain. Any young man could see what a fine catch she was.
But he couldn’t go after her either. His fraa was present along with everyone else in the g’may.
Although he’d married Leah on the contingency that he’d have the opportunity to marry Rachel at a future date, he’d never consider being unfaithful to his fraa. It was just something he wouldn’t do, no matter how much he longed for her sister.
It was like he and Rachel had to put their relationship on hold for an undetermined amount of time. An intermission of sorts. But what if Rachel fell in love with Elmer or some other young man? Ach, he wouldn’t be able to bear it.
~
Jacob admitted to himself that he was outright spying. He had to. Someone had to make sure that Elmer Miller kept his hands to himself as he and Rachel sat out on the porch swing.
But what if he didn’t? What if he attempted to kiss Rachel?
It wasn’t like Jacob could just pop his head around the corner of the house and yell, “Stop!”
He knew the reason Rachel had decided to let other young men court her. He’d read it in her eyes when she’d glanced over and had seen him and Leah holding hands. He hoped she wasn’t trying to make him jealous, but if she was, it was definitely working.
She was his future fraa. He had a right to be jealous, didn’t he?
Ach, watching the two of them laughing and talking equated to torture of the worst kind. He couldn’t stand to lose her to someone else.
Relief flooded his entire being when Elmer left with not so much as a peck on the cheek. As soon as his buggy was out of sight, Rachel turned to go inside.
“Rachel!” He whispered loudly.
She let out a small peep. “Jacob, you startled me. What are you doing out here?”
“I…uh…I heard the buggy.” He grimaced. “Listen, Rachel. I know it hurt you to see Leah and me—”
“You love her, don’t you?” Rachel frowned.
“She is mei fraa. Der Herr commands me to.” Ach, Jacob despised the position Marlin had put him in.
Tears glistened in Rachel’s eyes. “I knew it. I knew I was going to lose you.”
“Shh…kumm.” He spread his arms wide and she stepped into his embrace. “You have not lost me. I am still here.” Ach, how he wished that he could press his lips to hers, to show her how much he loved her. But he was married to her sister now and to do so would be wrong. He gently rubbed her back instead.
“Jacob, what are you—” Leah’s eyes flew wide.
Jacob and Rachel immediately broke apart. Guilt tore at his heart. This situation wasn’t fair to any of them.
He stared at his fraa. Had she changed out of her nightgown? “Leah, I…uh, I thought you were in bed already.” Shame filled him.
Leah pinned her sister with a menacing glare. “What are you doing? Are you trying to steal my husband from me?”
“Jacob doesn’t love you. He loves me. He wanted to marry me.”
“Nee. I am the one who shares his marriage bed. I am the one who will give him bopplin.”
Jacob gritted his teeth.
“Only because Dat forced him. He would have never chosen you willingly.”
Jacob had to step in. Rachel’s words were likely true, although he wouldn’t say never, but they were hurtful. He could see the pain in his fraa’s eyes. “Rachel, nee. Please, do not fight. I hate to see what this has done to you. You two are sisters. You were friends before the wedding.”
“A friend does not steal away your intended.” Rachel glowered at her sister.
“I did not steal anything. You said it yourself. The only reason Jacob married me is so he could have you. I know he doesn’t care for me like he does for you.” Moisture sprang to her eyes. “Now, you all are just waiting around until I die.”
“Ach, Leah.” Jacob placed his hand on her shoulder.
She shrugged it off. “It’s true and we all know it.”
Rachel’s lips pressed together. “I am upset, but I do not wish my sister dead. I just wish things were different, that’s all.”
“Don’t I deserve a little happiness too? I know I am not Jacob’s first choice.” She laughed bitterly. “I’m nobody’s choice. I wish I never even survived my childhood.”
“Ach, Leah. Do not think like that. Don’t say those words.” Jacob frowned. Nee, she wasn’t his first choice, but he had developed feelings for her. He tried to show her love, whether he felt it or not. Nee, they didn’t go as deep as his feelings for her sister but at least they’d been able to form somewhat of a friendship, a mutual respect for each other as spouses. He hoped Rachel’s words hadn’t undermined that.
~
“Is it true? What Rachel said earlier?” Leah changed back into her nightgown and pulled the quilt over her body.
Jacob stared at her. “Which part?”
“That you do not love me.”
He slipped into bed beside her.
“Nee. I do love you. Have I not shown it?” He reached for a renegade hair strand and moved it off her brow.
“You have.” She frowned. “Yet I find Rachel in your arms. You still love her, ain’t so?”
“Jah, I cannot help it. I will always love Rachel. I will still marry her one day, Gott willing.”
“Do you still wish you’d married her instead of me? Of course, you do, what a dumm question for me to ask. I…I just hoped…”
“Leah…don’t. Don’t do this.”
“I know you do. I can see it in your eyes every time she is near. I can hear it in your voice when you speak.” Tears surfaced and rolled down her cheeks. “I share your marriage bed, but I will never have your heart, will I?”
“Ach, Leah…” He ached to reach over and dry her tears, but he sensed she wouldn’t allow it.
“You will not admit it, but I know that it is true.”
“This was not my doing. You know how it went. I intended to marry your schweschder. Your vatter insisted I marry you.”
“I’d rather have remained an alt maedel than to have a husband that is in love with someone else.”
“I don’t know what to say or do to make this right, Leah. I am sorry.” To deny his love for Rachel would be a lie.
“Jah, vell, I am too. You have no idea how much it
hurts me to see the way you look at mei schweschder. I wish you’d look at me like that. Just once.”
Ach, what could he say? That he wasn’t attracted to her the same way he was to Rachel? That he hadn’t even really known her at all before they wed? He’d been making an effort to change that.
“I cannot help it. I really am trying to be a gut husband to you. It is hard to deny my feelings for Rachel. My heart has yearned for her since I first saw her. We courted for almost a year. We’d planned to marry. I thought we would marry, up until the day your vatter published the banns.” He sighed. “I don’t know my place. I cannot please everyone at the same time. But I’m trying, Leah. I’m trying to be the mann you need me to be. Do you regret marrying me?”
“I’m trying not to. Do you?”
“I don’t. I’m anxious to see what Der Herr has planned for our future. I know that Rachel is likely my distant future, but right now, our present is what I am trying to focus on. I don’t want to fret about the future. It is in Der Herr’s hands. Let’s live for what is now, jah?” Now, he reached over and brushed away her remaining tears.
“Jah, we will try to do that. I will do my best to trust in Gott’s plan.”
“Gut.” He leaned toward his wife, claimed her lips, and loved her as a husband should.
TWENTY-THREE
Jacob had been studying his fraa lately. Something was definitely wrong. He noticed she’d been more tired, and pallor marked her appearance. Surely her time to expire hadn’t come yet. It was too soon.
Gott, please no. Please keep her alive long enough to find joy in life.
Ach, he wasn’t ready to let her go. He’d come to love and cherish her.
Was he being disloyal to Rachel? Perhaps. But when in contrast to his fraa’s very life being snatched away, spending time with Rachel had to take second place. Could one even put value on a life? Nee, he didn’t think so.
Leah didn’t think she was worthy of love. Did she equate outer beauty with inner worth? Jah, no one would deny her sister Rachel was beautiful—downright drop-dead gorgeous to Jacob’s thinking. But Leah possessed her own beauty. Didn’t Der Herr say He had made everything beautiful in His time?
As though summoned by his thoughts, Leah walked into the room. She did not look herself. Didn’t look gut at all. She should probably be in bed.
“Leah, I think you need to go lie down, schatzi.”
“Jacob, I…” she struggled for a breath “…I…”
Jacob swooped in just in time to catch her in his arms. He immediately picked her up and carried her to their bedroom.
“Leah, are you all right?” It was a silly question. Of course she wasn’t all right.
He smoothed back a strand of her hair then bent down and pressed his lips to her brow. Worry crashed down on him, nearly suffocating him with fear. He needed to pray.
He took Leah’s limp hand in his. “Dear Lord Gott, please be with my precious Leah, my fraa. Give her strength. Give her health. And please, Gott, give me wisdom.”
Her eyes were closed. He sighed in relief when he noticed her chest rise and fall.
“I’m going to call a driver. I need you to stay right here. Don’t try to get up.” He was unsure if she was even conscious to hear or understand his words. “Okay, lieb?” He caressed her face once more, kissed her cheek, then ran outside as though the house were on fire.
“Jacob! What’s wrong?” Marlin called, stepping out from the barn.
“Please, go call a driver. It’s Leah! She needs to see the doctor.”
Confident that Marlin would do as asked, Jacob rushed back inside. He didn’t want to leave his fraa’s side for a moment longer than necessary.
~
Rachel’s heart pounded as she walked the hospital corridor. She’d left Dat in the waiting room. They still hadn’t received any word as to Leah’s condition, which made her worry even more.
She pushed open the door to Leah’s room. And was totally unprepared for the sight before her.
Leah lay sleeping on the small hospital bed. Jacob had crawled up next to her, his arm draped around her. His eyes appeared to be closed, whether in sleep or prayer, she didn’t know. If it had been anyone other than the man she loved, she would have thought the sight endearing. Precious even. Instead, pain filled her heart.
Jacob obviously loved her sister. There was no denying it.
Before her tears could fall, she did an about face and vacated the room as quickly as possible. As soon as she stumbled upon an empty nearby waiting room, she sank down into a hard plastic chair and wept.
“Shh…” She felt a comforting arm drape around her shoulders. “It’ll be okay.” It was Jacob’s voice.
Ach, she wished he didn’t have to see her in this state. She looked terrible when she cried. Which seemed like all she ever did lately while in Jacob’s presence.
“I’m sorry, it’s just…” She couldn’t even get the words out.
“It’s all right. You don’t have to cry for her. Your schweschder will be okay.”
She frowned up at him. Ach, he thought she was crying for Leah? Jah, he would. He was oblivious to her pain. It figured.
“What is wrong with her?” She managed to sound concerned. She should sound concerned, and under normal circumstances she would have been.
One side of his mouth curled up. Ach, he was so handsome. His new beard only added to his attractiveness. “Leah is in the familye way. We are going to have a boppli.”
“A…a…” She couldn’t breathe. Nee, this could not be happening. It. Could. Not. Be.
Rachel leaped from the chair and ran out of the room as hastily as she could. Hopefully, Jacob would not come after her. Because, other than Leah, he was the last person she wanted to see right now.
Ach, she hated them all!
Why in the world was she still waiting for Jacob? He evidently didn’t care about her. She had to be about the biggest dummkopp in the world. No doubt she was the laughing stock of the community. She really needed to just move on and find somebody else, someone who would love her.
She needed to forget about Jacob.
Because loving someone when they did not love you in return was misery, pure and simple.
TWENTY-FOUR
Jacob had never felt so torn. Ach, he truly loved them both!
Leah, in a more gentle, friendly, practical way that had been born of being thrown together and doing life together day in and day out. She’d be birthing his boppli soon, his own flesh and blood. He couldn’t not love her.
But he also loved Rachel. In a pulse-pounding, heart-racing way from the first moment he’d laid eyes on her. From that evening on, each day with her solidified his love. It had grown from irresistible, instant attraction to an easy friendship filled with laughter and passionate kisses—until he and Leah were forced into marriage. Ach, but he missed those heated kisses with Rachel, the intimate moments they’d shared. He missed their easy natural friendship. He really shouldn’t because he felt it was a betrayal to his fraa, but he couldn’t help it. They’d been so close to marriage. So close to fulfilling the passion that raged inside. So close to fulfilling his dream of being hitched to the love of his life for always.
Until it didn’t happen. His world had shattered that day.
His love for Rachel would never die. It was an unquenchable forest fire that could not be put out no matter how many gallons of water it was doused with. He’d desire Rachel as his fraa till the day he died. She made his heart sing.
But he really, really needed to get his head on straight right now. Ach, he was going to be a Dat!
This life was crazy wonderful and frustrating at the same time.
He didn’t know if Leah and Rachel would ever get along again, and that saddened him. But he’d never hold a grudge against Leah or Rachel for their rivalry. They were just as innocent in this situation as he was. He wondered if Marlin had any idea of the rift his scheme had caused between his dochdern. Had he thought it worth it?
Jacob sighed. Somehow, they’d figure this life and all its trials out. For now, he had to give his cares over to Der Herr and encourage the maed—well, Leah anyway, because Rachel wasn’t speaking to him—to do the same. Surely Gott would help them through it.
~
Rachel grumbled to herself as she thought of Jacob and Leah. Their boppli would come soon. And it would be her niece or nephew. She might even be called on to babysit. Meaning, she’d be in regular contact with all three of them.
The happy family.
She squeezed her eyes closed, wetting her lashes as she did. Ach, this life was so hard.
If she didn’t find something to do with herself, she’d go crazy waiting for Jacob. Who knew how long it would be before they could resume their relationship? It would likely be many, many years before they would be able to marry. If they even married at all.
She couldn’t think of anything more heart-wrenching than watching your beloved love another person.
She thought of the time Elmer Stutzman had courted her. Jacob had been lurking around the corner. Watching to see if Elmer would make moves on her, no doubt. He’d been jealous. Here he was, married to Leah and he was jealous of the young men courting her. Perhaps he did still love her.
Nevertheless, she’d made a decision. She would begin to see other men. If she waited until Jacob was finally ready, she’d likely be an alt maedel and no one would want her. She still young enough to where single men still looked her way. Often. Jah, she’d take advantage of that. And this time, she’d allow her heart to explore the possibility of new love.
Because, while Jacob and Leah were busy creating their happy little family, she was entitled to some happiness too. Wasn’t she? No one would fault her for seeking to have a love of her own. Besides, was it really fair to Leah to have a husband who loved her half-heartedly? If Rachel were to find love with someone else, perhaps Jacob would release her. Perhaps he would release himself. Then they could each fully love another.
An Amish Deception Page 9