by Cassia Leo
She finally pushed me away, panting as she stared at my chest, looking dazed as hell. “What are you doing?”
I tilted her chin up and looked her in the eye. “Come home with me.”
Her mouth opened and I watched intently, anticipating a shrieking no. I brushed a strand of hair away from her eyes and she closed them as she leaned into my hand.
“I want to, but I’m so confused,” she whispered.
“I know you spent the night with Milo last night. And I’d be lying if I said I’m not jealous as hell, but I don’t want to mess anything up for you. And I really don’t want to hurt you. But I fucking miss you. I do. I can’t stop fucking thinking about you.” I curled my arm around her waist and pulled her body against mine.
A slow smile formed on her lips as I stiffened against her. “I’ve missed you so much.”
I planted a soft kiss on her lips. “I’ve missed you more.”
“No you haven’t.”
“Stop arguing and come home with me so I can prove it to you.”
She breathed a long sigh before she nodded.
The entire car ride to my house was a practice in self-control, as I had to keep my eyes on the road instead of on her sexy body. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to pull over and consume her.
What was I doing? I was twelve days away from moving in with Olivia. I’d already signed the fucking lease. This was not like me. But I couldn’t let Brina go home knowing the last man to touch her was Milo Yates. I had to erase the memory of him from her mind and body.
I pulled through the gate at my bungalow, the bungalow I’d loved and put so much work into for three years. I parked the car and paused for a moment. My gaze skimmed over her from the top of her head down to her shoes. Fuck. Just the sight of her got me hard.
A crease formed on her brow. “What is this? What are we doing?”
“What do you want this to be?” I grabbed her hand and I could feel her flinch a little, though she didn’t pull away. “I’ll do whatever you want. Anything.”
“Anything?”
I gritted my teeth against the voice in my head that told me I was making a huge mistake. I was going to regret hurting Olivia. She saved me from myself these past few weeks, when all I wanted to do was drown in a barrel of bourbon. She helped me pull off the biggest conference of my career. Right now, she was sitting at Brina’s old desk thinking I was at a lunch meeting. Olivia was the kind of woman I needed. She was stable. But there was no doubt in my mind that Brina was the woman I wanted.
“I don’t know what I want this to be,” she replied, and I tried not to appear stunned. “But I know what I want today.”
Crawling across the console, she climbed into my lap and kissed me as I slid my hand under her t-shirt. The smooth skin on her back prickled with goosebumps. She unbuttoned my shirt and I tore it off, quickly followed by my undershirt. Then she pulled her t-shirt off as I unbuttoned her jeans.
The way her breasts bloomed over the top of her lacy black bra drove me crazy. I kissed her soft flesh as my fingers worked the clasp. Unfastening the hook, I tossed her bra onto the passenger seat as I took her nipple into my mouth. The flesh hardened on my tongue as I gently sucked and licked her.
I kept my arm wrapped firmly around her waist as I slid my hand down the front of her jeans, my finger slipping between her slick folds, and she gasped as I found her stiff nub. She trembled as I kissed her neck and massaged her clit in a slow circular motion. I kissed her jaw then moved up to her mouth, breathing in her moans as she rocked against my hand.
“Oh, my God,” she whispered. “I’m gonna come.”
I slid my hand out of her panties and smiled at the look of disappointment on her face. “Not yet. Come inside.”
She groaned as she pulled on her t-shirt and scooped her bra off the seat. I left my shirt off as we got out of the car and made our way inside the house. I tossed my keys onto the table in the foyer and hooked my finger through the belt loop on the back of her jeans as she began to walk farther inside.
She glanced over her shoulder at me. “What are you doing?”
“We’re not going to the bedroom.” I pulled her toward me so her back was flat against my chest and my cock was pressed against her ass. I slid my hand over her soft belly and inside her waistband as I kissed her ear. “We’re going outside.”
She sighed as she leaned back, pressing herself into me. “I can’t take much more of this.”
I laughed as I ran my fingers over the short patch of hair over her mound. “You let it grow out like I asked.”
She drew in a sharp breath as my hand slid farther down. She grabbed my wrist and yanked my hand out of her panties. “That’s enough.” She turned around and placed her hands flat against my chest. “You, me, outside, now.”
“We’ve evolved to caveman grunts, have we?” I said, teasing her as I grabbed her hand and pulled her down the corridor on our left toward the side entrance.
“What can I say? You stimulate my lizard brain,” she said, flicking her tongue at me.
I chuckled. “Your lizard brain?”
“Yeah, my medulla oblongata,” she replied casually.
“God damn, that’s sexy. Say it again.”
“Medulla oblongata,” she said, dragging out each syllable.
I opened the storm door on the side of the house and smacked her softly on the ass as she passed me. “Nerd.”
Chapter 5
Brina
He led me down a flagstone staircase toward the terraced Japanese garden on the hillside. The first level of the garden featured a koi pond fed by a small waterfall. A red wooden bench next to the pond matched the red wooden staircase that curved down to the next level of the terraced garden. The smell of bamboo, jasmine, and pond water were intoxicating.
I followed him into a red pagoda on this level, and was not at all surprised to find a white cocoon hammock as big as a queen-sized bed covered in fluffy pillows, layers of sheer fabric tumbling around the hammock in an ethereal canopy.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “When did you do this?”
“I set it up last night.”
“For who?”
“For whom,” he corrected me, and I punched him in the side. “Ow!”
“Answer the question.”
“For myself. I put it up every summer.”
I bit my lip as I laid my hand on his solid chest and watched my fingers move with the beat of his heart. He put his hand over mine as he leaned over and kissed my forehead.
“You make me happy,” he whispered.
“What about Olivia?” I asked, and just saying her name aloud made my stomach turn, as if saying her name suddenly made her real. “Doesn’t she make you happy?”
He let out a deep sigh. “She’s a good person, but she’s not you.” He squeezed my hand as he looked into my eyes. “There’s no one like you.”
“Oh, God,” I replied, shaking my head.
He looked confused. “What? What did I say?”
“I feel awful now. You said she’s a good person, and now I feel awful.”
He ran his hand over his face in frustration. “Brina, don’t do this to yourself. I’m the one who screwed up thinking I could get over you by rushing into another relationship.”
I shook my head as I stepped back. “No, I know it’s not my fault, but this doesn’t feel right anymore…knowing that she’s out there somewhere, probably sitting in the desk chair I used to sit in, thinking that you two are moving in together. Probably mentally arranging your furniture. No. I can’t do this. I want to go home.”
“Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. Take me home.”
I took one step before he grabbed my hand. “I’m not taking you home. I’ll call her right now.”
“You cannot break up with her on the phone.”
“Well, what the fuck do you want me to do? Just tell me and I’ll do it.”
I jerked my hand away and he glared at me. “I want you to tak
e me home. I can’t be here if you’re with someone else. Please take me home.”
The muscle in his jaw twitched and he nodded once. “Fine.”
I waited in Luke’s car as he changed into a t-shirt and jeans. The drive to my parents’ house was awkward, the air between us thick with words we both didn’t want to say or hear. When he pulled his car up to the curb in front of the house, we sat in silence for a moment before he spoke.
“I’m going to talk to her today,” he said, though I sensed a bit of reluctance in his voice, as if he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do anymore.
“No. Don’t do it,” I insisted, staring at the sleek dashboard in his Bugatti. “I’m…I need some time to think.”
“About what?”
I turned to him as my mouth dropped. “About what just happened. About everything that’s happened. I mean, you were about to move in with someone, and now you’re offering to dump her. What does that mean?”
He shook his head. “What? You think it means I’m going to dump you the second someone better comes along? You’re not just some girl. I fucking love you.” He leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. “I don’t know what to say anymore.”
I didn’t want to tell him the reason I couldn’t be with him in the garden and the reason I wanted him to take me home was that I couldn’t help but wonder why he wanted to move in with Olivia, but he never once proposed this to me. I couldn’t say this, because it was stupid. I would have rejected him, and he knew that, which is why he never asked.
I tried to conjure a response, but all I could do was imagine Luke telling Olivia he fucking loved her. I couldn’t help but imagine her with her blonde hair fanned out across his pillow and her long legs wrapped around him.
“I don’t know what to say, either,” I muttered.
He turned to me and for the first time since I met him he looked utterly defeated. “Can I call you later?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
I reached for the door handle and he quickly sat up straight.
“Wait. I’ll get that,” he said as he climbed out of the car.
He watched me through the windshield as he rounded the front of the Bugatti. Then he opened the door for me, and I took a deep breath before I got out.
“I’ll walk you to the door,” he insisted.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s, like, forty feet away. I think I can make it there safely.”
He didn’t listen. He walked right beside me up the concrete path until we reached the front steps.
“How are your parents doing?” he asked as I reached for the handle on the screen door.
I shrugged. “Ecstatic to have me back, I guess. I think they…they never really got used to having the house to themselves.”
“Brina, I know you think that if I made such a bad judgment call with…well, you think that I might be doing the same thing with you, rushing into something without being sure, but it’s not like that.”
The look on his face broke my heart even more. He truly believed what he was saying. But he only believed it because being near me was clouding his judgment…as usual.
I shook my head. “What if I had never gone to the conference yesterday? You’d be at home with Olivia, and I’d be a distant memory.”
“That’s not true at all.”
“Yes, it is,” I replied. “And that’s okay.”
The muscle in his jaw twitched again. I let go of the door handle and reached for his face. His scruff scratched my fingers as I caressed his jaw. He grabbed my hand to hold it against him. I had to go inside now, or I never would.
I kissed him on the cheek and pulled my hand back. “I need to focus on getting back to work.”
He tilted his head, and I thought I knew what this small gesture meant, that I wouldn’t need to work if I were with him, but I didn’t want to believe he would think it. He certainly knew better than to say it aloud.
“Goodbye, Luke.”
I hurried inside before I could change my mind and get even deeper into something that would certainly leave me devastated and broken-hearted. As I shut the door, I found my parents peeking through the blinds out the front window.
“Who is that gorgeous man?” my mother asked, and my father laid a soft tap on her arm. “Is that…? Was that Luke Maxwell?”
“It was,” I replied as I made my way to the kitchen. “Do you guys have any vodka?”
“It’s not even noon. Did that boy just break your heart?” my father asked as he followed me into the kitchen.
“He’s not a boy,” I said as I pulled a carton of orange juice out of the fridge. “And he didn’t break my heart.” At least, not intentionally.
I poured myself a glass of juice and gulped it down as I considered calling Jill, but I didn’t want to interrupt her work with my boy problems.
“You look like you just had your heart broken,” my father said as he pulled me into his arms.
As if the hug was the key to the floodgates, the tears came instantly. I buried my face in his shoulder as he stroked my hair.
“Don’t feel so bad, pumpkin. The guy can’t make a phone that doesn’t require a Ph.D. to operate. He’s obviously not smart enough to handle you.”
I laughed as I recalled the day I got my dad a Maxwell Flame phone. He spent three hours trying to figure out how to make a video call before he finally gave up and told me to take the phone back.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were dating Luke Maxwell?” my mother asked as she grabbed the glass of orange juice out of my hand, probably afraid I’d spill it while hugging my dad.
“Because I’m not dating him.” My dad let go, and I took the glass of juice back from my mom. “I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m going to take a nap. Please wake me up if Jill calls the house phone.”
I kissed her on the cheek before I dashed up the stairs to my room. I set the juice down on my nightstand and slid my phone out of my pocket as I collapsed onto my bed. I dialed the number, and my heart raced as I anticipated the answer.
“What happened?” was the greeting I got from Milo.
“I had to leave. My dad picked me up.”
Why was I lying to him?
“Brina, I was at the gym downstairs. I saw him pick you up.”
Shit!
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know how you would react. We just went for coffee to talk. He had something he needed to get off his chest.”
The line was silent for a moment. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. Shit, I’m the one who tried to get you two back together just yesterday. I’m not going to pretend I like it. I think you’re making a huge mistake. But I’m not going to go psycho possessive on you.”
I slid under my comforter and pulled it up to my chin to block the draft from the air-conditioner pointing straight at my face. My father blasted the air-conditioner during the summer to the point that Ryan and I once dressed up in ski suits and huddled around a small stockpot fire in the living room in a vain attempt to convince him to turn up the temperature on the thermostat. This amused my dad enough to raise the temperature a few degrees.
“I’m just really confused right now, and I don’t want to bring you into this,” I said.
I tried to imagine where he was: in his living room playing video games, bouncing on his exercise ball, getting ready to take a shower and wash his enormous… Oh, God. I would never look at Milo the same after last night.
“Hey, what are you wearing?”
Oh, no. He wants phone sex.
“This is really gross, but I’m still wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. I haven’t changed yet. And I just climbed into bed to take a nap.”
“Did I tire you out?”
“You abused me.”
The sound of his laughter through the phone made my ear tickle, and a tingling sensation lit up inside my belly.
“I tried to go easy on you,” he insisted.
“You didn’t hurt me, but you did… surprise me.”
He chuckled. “You didn’t think poor little Milo had it in him?”
I shook my head. “Now you’re referring to yourself in third person?”
“I guess you’re weirdness is rubbing off on me.”
“I’m weird?” I replied incredulously. “You’re the one who likes to have sex on exercise balls.”
“Don’t pretend you didn’t like it,” he teased.
Suddenly, my smile disappeared as I began to make a mental list of Milo’s pros and cons. Milo was a good guy. He could also be a huge jerk at times, but I was fairly certain it was the stress of the job at NeoSys that brought out the worst in him—as it had done to me. He was handsome, financially independent, and, apparently, very serious about staying fit.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, breaking through the silence of my thoughts.
“I’m thinking I need to take a nap. I’ll talk to you later, Milo.”
“Sweet dreams, Batgirl.”
I lay in my bed, staring at the collection of picture frames on the wall above my dresser. A pink oval frame kept drawing my eye. The picture was of Ryan, Jimmy Nichols (my ex who taught me the significance of hand-holding), and me. We were sitting on the sofa in Jesse Niven’s living room. Jimmy and I were holding hands, of course, and Ryan was flashing Jesse, the cameraman, his middle finger.
Before I could stop myself, I leaped out of bed and slid my feet into a pair of sneakers. I grabbed my headphones off the dresser and plugged them into my phone as I flew down the stairs.
I didn’t need directions to my destination. I had driven past it a million times, though I never actually stopped. This time, I didn’t drive. I needed time to think before I arrived.
My feet carried me through the suburbs toward University Street. The music booming through my headphones filled me with resolve until I reached the University Street station. I boarded the first bus to Mountlake Terrace and settled myself in for a long bus ride. By the time I stepped off the bus, the sun was going down, casting brilliant rays of orange-crème light across the sky. I walked the half-mile to Washelli Cemetery with my music turned off as I mentally prepared myself to visit my brother’s grave for the first time.