Wide Awake

by Shelly Crane

  The window was locked and he was attempting to jiggle the lock free from the outside. When he saw me coming toward him, he smiled this sugary smile and said, "Let me in, Emmie."

  "No," I answered in a loud whisper. He still heard me because his face completely changed. He was no longer sweet. "It's late, Andy. Go home."

  "I know it's late. That's why I'm coming in the window. Open it," he commanded through gritted teeth.

  "What are you doing here?"

  "I've missed you. I thought I'd come over and..." the new grin was a dirty one, "show you just how much."

  "Go home."

  He banged the side of his fist once on the glass, causing me to jump. "No more games. We talked about this. You need to give this a chance. You're throwing everything we had away because you think you got a second chance at life or something. What we had was good."

  "I did get a second chance at life," I said louder and didn't care who heard. "And I'm not taking this one for granted. I'm sorry that you're taking this so hard, but I am not the girl that you used to love. I'm not her. I don't want to be her. I don't care about being popular or dating the captain of the football team."

  "You don't know. You haven't given it a try!" He was talking loudly, too.

  "Go home."

  "I want to make it up to you, the way I hurt you before the accident," he begged. "I need to. If you'd let me, I know that you would understand that what we had isn't worth just throwing away."

  "I'm seeing Mason now." His face morphed into an ominous anger. "Just go home, Andy. I'm happy. Don't you want me to be? I don't want things to go back to the way they were."

  He sneered. "This isn't over," he promised and practically pressed his face to the glass. "Prom is coming up and I'm taking you," he ordered. "Do you hear me? You at least owe me that if nothing else."

  "I don't owe you-"

  "Yes, you do!" His face fell a little. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"

  "No," I said softer and moved to stand right in front of the window. "No, I don't. Go home, Andy. I'm sorry."

  "I'll pick you up tomorrow in the morning," he spouted and turned to go. "Be ready. I'm not kidding, Emma."

  "Go home!" I said harder.

  "I am, but know this; you owe me, Emma. You belong with me just like you always have."

  He left and I sat staring at the darkened, streetlamp-lit window for a long time before finally crawling back into bed.

  If Andy thought I'd cave under his threats, then he didn't know me as well as he claimed to.

  I was slicking on some mascara when Isabella yelled up the stairs for me. I grabbed all my things from the bed and put my lipgloss on as I went down the stairs. I stopped in my tracks at seeing Andy in the doorway. He grinned, in a gotcha kind of way. "I wanted to make sure that you knew I was here to pick you up...as planned."

  I decided now was a good a time as any to put the kibosh on dear old Andrew. I marched myself down the stairs right past him. He hurried, yelling a goodbye to Isabella, and caught up with me. "Glad you're seeing things my way, Emmie. We wouldn't want your parents to... Where are you going?"

  I went past his car and straight to Mason's as he sat near the curb. I climbed in and made a point to wave at Andy before turning back to Mason. He eyed Andy in my driveway with a strange look before putting the car into drive. The short drive to school was over before I could think. He smiled at me and leaned over, patting my thigh slowly. "Have a good day. Learn something."

  "Are you implying that I'd sabotage my high school education because I'm too preoccupied with you?" I said sweetly.

  "No," he grinned, "I'm implying that you'd do it to avoid seeing that tool with legs."

  I laughed so hard that I buried my face in his shoulder. "Ok. You got me."

  "Just say the word if he gives you any trouble," he said ominously. "I'll tattoo something really nasty on his forehead in his sleep."

  I smiled. "Like what?"

  "A pile of steaming-"

  I covered his mouth laughing. "I get the point. Thank you."

  "Anytime," he mumbled against my hand and pulled me to him. He pulled my hand down and held it between us. "Anytime," he repeated, so close that his breath blew the hair at my cheek. "Your hair looks really great down like that."

  "Thanks." I looked down at our hands entwined between us. "Are you sure you want to do this with me tonight?"

  He lifted my chin. "Is that doubt I hear?"

  "No," I assured. "Just worry. What if they try to do something drastic? Like get you fired?"

  "That'd be an awful lot of work on their part," he mused. "You think they'd go that far?"

  "I don't know. Are you willing to risk that?"

  The look that spread across his face melted bones and didn't apologize for it. He growled his words in a delicate way, "What do you think, Em? Do I look willing to risk it?"

  I took a much needed breath and swallowed. Loudly. "Well..."

  He licked his lip as he took my face in his hands. "There's no point speculating on something until you need to, right? For now, just..."

  He kissed me softly at first, and then proceeded to kiss the breath right out of me. When it was done, I was clinging to his collar, playing my damsel part very well. The smile he wore showed his enjoyment of my current state. He brought my hand up and kissed my palm. "Have a good day, Emma."

  "Is this how you'll send me off to school every day now?" I asked in a whisper.

  His smile grew. "Don't press your luck, Miss Walker."

  I giggled as I exited. I shut the door and then leaned in the window. "Thank you."

  "You're welcome," he said with a cocky smile.

  I cocked my head to the side. "I meant for the ride."

  "Well...you're welcome for that, too."

  I shook my head and laughed. "Bye, you."

  "Bye, you."

  I looked back once more over my shoulder before he drove away. He was still watching. That thrilled me in odd places. He waved and somehow made even that look sexy. I turned and ran right into the trio. Cookie spoke first. "Oh, my gosh. Did you break down or something and he gave you a ride?"

  I bristled and decided I was on a roll this morning. This chick needed to be taken down a notch. Or ten. "Why? Because he doesn't drive a Beamer?"

  "He-" she began.

  "Not finished. He's not some bum who gave me a ride. We are totally together." Their faces screwed up. "That's the man I'd marry if he asked one day." I didn't stop there. "And don't ever say anything bad about him again. He has more goodness in him that most of the people I know all combined."

  "Yeah, but..." she said and looked to the others, "can goodness buy you things?"

  I pushed through the middle of them. It looked like I had better get used to being a loner, because I refused to play the old me anymore.

  "Emma!" she called. "He's cute and all, but you screw guys like that, you don't marry them!"

  I shook my head as I burst through the front doors of the school. And those words were from my so-called friends. I scoffed and made my way to first period. I ignored Andy's pleading looks. I focused on my work. I wanted to graduate. That was my new mission in this school. I wasn't giving up, I was just facing facts. Finding Emmie was no longer a possibility. She was gone. So getting out of this place was my new priority.

  The teachers seemed pleased by my attention and questions. When I raised my hand to answer once, the teacher even waved her hand at me and said, "Go ahead. The bathroom pass is by the door," and moved on. I had to wave to get her to see that I wanted to actually answer the question. I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her little head.

  Everyone could see that I was a different girl. That didn't stop my friends from shooting their pleading, pathetic looks at me. I thought avoidance and ignoring would be the best course of action with those three, but it seemed like...maybe not. I hated it. I didn't want them to feel so tied to me. They thought I needed to be their leader, to help them function in high
school, but I needed to set them free.

  Useless Fact Number Fifteen

  An octopus' testicles are located in its head.

  I headed outside to eat lunch in the grass, and saw them intercepting me. I knew the needed showdown was inevitable. I held my little box of chicken strips in my hand and smiled as the trio approached. "Good, just who I wanted to see."

  "Really?" Kali scoffed. "We thought you hated us. Did I do something wrong?"

  "Something wrong? Like what?"

  "We didn't come see you in the hospital." She looked at them and back to me. "We wanted to, but thought you'd be mad at us."

  "For the life of me, I can't imagine why I would be," I said, exasperated.

  "Look, Emmie...you're a little exhausting." I felt my eyebrows rise. "Well, the old you was. You always called the shots and without you here to tell us what to do, we were scared of making it worse. We called to check on you and your mom said you were just sleeping. That's all she would ever say. We didn't think it was right to go and see you when you didn't even know that we were there."

  I nodded. I understood that. "I'm not mad at you, I'm just not...who I was. I'm not interested in being anyone's leader." She opened her mouth, but I stopped her. "Or anything else. I just want to focus on school, graduate, and then see what this world has to offer someone who can't remember her life."

  They didn't laugh at my joke. They just looked dejected. "It's not our fault that you don't remember us. Everyone in school expects you to still be our friend. It looks like you're rejecting us."

  "Sorry," I spouted and pushed through them for the second time that day. "I'm just here because I have to be."

  "Don't be like that, Emmie!" Cookie yelled, causing eyes to jerk to our location. "You need us just as much as we need you."

  "You don't need me!" I yelled back and smiled. "You have brains in your heads! Use them. Don't peak in high school. Do something with your lives. High school's almost over anyway."

  Their mouths fell open, but I just rolled my eyes and took my spot in the grass. I floated the rest of the day until I walked home. I walked past Andy's car, and he reached over and threw the door open. When I didn't come, he revved the engine and glared at me over the steering wheel. I shook my head and kept going. When I came in, I could hear voices in the kitchen. It sounded like Rhett was home. He and Isabella were in there and they were going back and forth about my college applications. Apparently, Isabella had sent them off without my knowledge while I was in a coma and had gotten back a couple of packages today.

  She had also opened them and planned to enroll me in Brown without asking me. She was going to surprise me with it later and surprisingly, Rhett was on my side about it. That doing something that extreme without talking to the person was going too far. I agreed. I wanted to burst in and ask, 'How dare you?' But I didn't.

  When I heard her huff and leave through the other doors, I went in. "Hey, there."

  He turned and looked drained. At seeing me? At dealing with Isabella? "Hey, Emma. How was school?"

  I hopped up on the counter and took a peach from the basket. "Oh, you know. It sucked royally."

  "Is that right?" he said and watched my every move as I took a knife from the block and sliced a piece off the peach, sticking it in my mouth and licking my finger. "What sucked about it?"

  "I just want to graduate, but everyone else wants me to..." I shrugged. "I don't know. They just think my priorities are off or something. Like wanting to graduate and refocusing after everything that happened to me is wrong."

  He glared at the peach in my hand.

  "What's the matter?"

  "My daughter hates peaches."

  We stared at each other. My daughter, he said. My daughter... Not, you hate peaches...

  He turned and walked out without another word. It stung more than I cared to admit, but hadn't I kept them at arm's length? Hadn't I done everything but spit on the memory of their daughter? So, I guess I deserved that.

  I tossed the peach into the trash and once again, made the walk to Mason's. My stamina was getting better by the day. I didn't cry, in fact, I didn't do anything. I was numb in a strange way about it.

  When I arrived, Mason was just getting in the car. "Hey," he said in surprise. "I thought I was coming to get you."

  "I couldn't wait," I heard myself say.

  "Uhoh," he muttered and beckoned me to him. He wrapped his arm around my side and pulled me to his shop. He shut the door and sat on the couch, pulling me into his lap. He took my face in his hands slowly, as if testing my mood, and kissed me before settling back. "So…what happened today? And you never did tell me what happened the other day, either. Whose face needs rearranging?"

  I tried to laugh, but failed. I sighed and said, "It was just…everything. An avalanche."

  And I told him everything. About Andy taking me to school every day, about him trying to kiss me and me telling him we were just friends, about the note in my locker, about the horrible retaliation of my friends, about how Isabella was so awkward and almost mad at my inability and want to be just like her daughter. And then I told him what Andy had told me, what had set me off, and what those girls had said about karma. That the trio had begged me to come back and be their leader because they didn't know how to function...Andy coming to my window...and how Rhett had said his daughter hated peaches.

  I was so ashamed. It was the first time that I felt like a teenager, spilling my guts about high school problems to my…boyfriend. I rolled my eyes and scoffed at myself for that one.

  Mason was angry, that I could tell, and I knew it mostly had to do with Andy. "So, anyway," I finished, "that's why I was coming over. To tell you all about the crappy week I'd had, and about my epiphany."

  "I'm glad you told me," he said gruffly.

  "Are you mad about Andy?" I guessed. "I only let him drive me to school because Isabella wouldn't drive me. And after that stunt at my house, I want nothing to do with him anyway."

  "No, it's fine. I just want to hurt him, is all," he confessed and twiddled with my fingers. "And not because he drove you, but because he's a complete tool. And he hurt you…but so did I, so…"

  "You didn't hurt me like he did. And besides, I'm thankful to him." He lifted an eyebrow in question. "If he hadn't just laid it all out there for me like that, I wouldn't know what I know now. I wouldn't know without a doubt that I want absolutely nothing to do with the old me."

  His eyes squinted. He cursed softly. "What?" I asked.

  "Em, I probably should have told you this before, but you had so much going on. I worried about piling too much on you. Then we were kinda…fighting or whatever, and then it just felt like I'd waited so long that it was too late to tell you without you being upset. And now…I just have to tell you. I don't want you to hate yourself, the old you." He took my other hand. "Promise that you'll listen to me and not run out until I'm done?"

  Run out? "What's this about?"

  "Promise me," he commanded softly.

  I nodded slowly. He stared at me carefully and then closed his eyes. "There's more to my story than I told you that night, and it…kinda includes you."

  My heart jumped. "Whatever it is, just tell me."

  "I became a therapist to take care of Mom and worked for a while, but decided to open the tattoo shop instead, so I could work from home." He pointed around the room. "My shop. I don’t use it as much now, but I've always wanted to open it full time."

  He waited so I asked, "What happened?"

  "I swore off drinking and partying after the accident happened, but my brother took the opposite route. He started partying hard. One night, I heard about this party that he was going to…" He gulped and gripped my fingers tighter. I waited, completely baited. "He was there and he was so toasted. I watched and tried to be nonchalant so he wouldn’t know that I was there. I lost him once, and went upstairs to find him. While I was searching the bedrooms, I found a girl…"

  I knew there was something he wanted me t
o grasp, but I just wasn't getting it. My lips parted and I waited for the punch-line.

  "She was plastered. I asked if she was OK because she was crying. She said she broke up with her boyfriend that night because she found out he'd been cheating on her. She'd known about it for a while, but actually caught him in the act that night at the party. She said…she was done with being the girl who lived for everyone but herself. That she needed a change, and the next day, she was going to tell her friends and family that she was done with that guy. That she wanted to be a different person. That…" He smiled and rubbed my arm. "That she was spoiled and needed to be responsible for herself. I know she was drunk, but I believed her."

  My heart started to beat fast. Really fast. He took my face in his hands, his thumbs rubbing across my cheeks. "Emma…I only met you once before your accident, but it was enough to make me completely adore the girl you wanted so badly to be."

  I felt my lips fall open. "That girl…was me?"

  "I know what you're thinking. I know it sounds…creepy or whatever, but just listen. You talked to me for hours that night." He smiled again, taking a tear from my nose with his finger. "Eventually, I said I was going to go get you a bottle of water. That I was going to help sober you up before I took you home, but…when I came back, you were gone. I looked all over for you because I knew you'd been so upset. I was worried about you, but you vanished. Later that night on the news, I heard about the accident. I don't know how I knew, but I knew it was you. And I felt guilty and responsible and cursed all over again."

  "Why?" I breathed.

  "Because I shouldn't have left you alone. I knew you were upset. I should have made sure you got home safely, but I didn't. So I called the hospital and asked them about you, telling them I was a therapist. They said you weren't going to make it, that your parents were sending you to a hospice. My hospice. It was like...fate. So I vowed to take care of you, because I already failed you once."

  I covered my mouth with my hand to hold in the sob. He closed his eyes, still holding my face. "God, help me, Emma. You'll never know how sorry I am, for everything. I just feel like, from the start, things have been hard for you. I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to know the truth. I don't expect you to forgive me-" He stopped so quickly, as if he knew that I was barely holding on by a thread.