by Shouji Gatou
“?”
“The one saying those things should be more... ah, no, never mind, fumo.” Moffle fell silent, as if stifling himself.
Seiya felt an urge to use his magic—the power to peer into a person’s mind, but only once. But it would be a waste to use that one-time-only chance on something like this. He should save it for a more critical situation; something that would give him real blackmail material on this rat, to really make use of him...
“...Well, anyway. I acted badly, fumo. You can fire me now, if you’d like.” Moffle said, seeming to regain a bit of his fire.
That bastard. He was well aware of the position he was in—as the park’s headliner and a cast coordinator, he knew that if Seiya fired him now, it would just make the park harder to manage. This mascot was one hell of a tough customer.
Isuzu and Tiramii were both watching. Well, then. How to respond?
Seiya ran a few calculations in his mind: the mission he’d accepted; his priorities in accomplishing it; what he’d need to execute his plans; the risk-cost assessment of winning over this stupid rat.
Calculation complete.
“I’ll let it go once,” he said in a hushed voice. “The next time you make trouble, you’re out. Watch yourself.”
Moffle and Tiramii went back onstage and resumed entertainment of their sporadic visitors; they juggled, and they danced. In a total reversal from his earlier belligerence, Moffle was quite conscientious with the guests. Some of the children even left quite happy.
Seiya watched them from afar for a while. Then, Isuzu addressed him. “I thought you were going to fire him.”
“Why?”
“It’s your first day here,” she observed. “You won’t be setting much of an example if you allow behavior like that.”
“The guy’s our cleanup hitter,” he admitted. “There are some things I need him to do before I fire him. Besides, thanks to you, he hasn’t done any concrete harm.”
Isuzu just let out a sigh. “Those ‘Forgotten Realm’ bullets are extremely precious. Each one takes a year to make, and I only have one left.”
“...Really.”
“You should treat the use of my magic bullets with the gravity of selling off family heirlooms.”
“Guh...” He couldn’t believe she had used something so valuable so willingly for him.
But wait. “Incidentally... Sento. How much do the bullets you wanted to test on me this morning cost?”
“The bullets that remove reproductive function? ...I bought those a long time ago at a Maple Land 100 yen shop. With tax, they were 105 yen apiece.”
What on Earth... “That’s outrageous.”
“I agree that they seemed excessively cheap. That’s why I wanted to test them...”
“Ah, forget it,” he sighed. “...Anyway, you really saved us. Thank you.”
“Not at all. I intend to do whatever is required of me.”
“I see. Then I’d like to request a little more of your service—”
They were standing before the gates of Maple Castle, at the center of the park, when Isuzu spoke up. “I didn’t think you meant this kind of service...”
It was quite a revealing swimsuit to be wearing in such cold weather. She was a very curvy girl, well-endowed in the chest and backside, but her expression was sullen and her lips had started turning blue.
“Um, Kanie-san. As a member of the cast, I don’t know if I should be wearing this...” Muse spoke up. She was standing bolt upright next to Isuzu, also in a swimsuit, her shapely, slender legs fidgeting.
“Kanie-sama... are you certain you want me to be in the pictures?” Latifah asked. She was standing, partly supported by Isuzu—and also in a swimsuit, naturally. Her body was perilously thin, but well-proportioned, with lovely porcelain skin.
Seiya held up his smartphone camera and started giving out instructions.
“Take one step back. No, that’s too far back... Yes, there. Perfect. Stay right where you are, Princess. Okay, now hold up the poster.”
Latifah tentatively held up her poster. It read, “Our 30th Anniversary is Coming Up!” The other two held up posters reading, “Everything just 30 yen!” and “It’s a steal!”
“Um, um...” Muse stuttered shyly. “Will these pictures really make for good publicity?”
“It’s a vulgar idea, if you ask me,” Isuzu muttered.
“...Achoo!” Latifah sneezed.
Three matchless beauties in revealing, provocative swimsuits... Seiya thought. Vulgar or not, it’ll definitely draw the eye. I’m not exactly a fan of this kind of tactic myself, but—
“We need something eye-catching, that’s all,” he said out loud. “It doesn’t matter what it is.”
The shutter snapped. The lighting was poor, but he could fix that with photo editing software. He continued taking pictures, regardless.
“Come on, smile,” he encouraged them. “Let’s see those pearly whites. Don’t look like a slave on the block in ancient Rome.”
“But that’s exactly how I feel...” Muse complained.
“Sento. You’re the only one not smiling,” Seiya observed. “You’re still scowling.”
“I’m trying to smile...” Isuzu replied.
The cast, still cleaning their stations, watched the scene from afar. Some seemed delighted by the unexpected feast for the eyes, while quite a few others shot glares of disapproval.
There’s no way in hell I’m going to let that stop me, though... Seiya thought to himself.
“Okay,” he said. “Now, let’s make a video.” Latifah and Muse had shot glittering smiles, but right to the end, Isuzu remained dour. After taking as many photos as he could get, Seiya switched his smartphone to recording mode. “Say it all together, now, loud and clear... One, two...”
“Amagi Brilliant Park, only 30 yen...” they said, weakly and not at all in sync.
“Loud and clear, I said!” Seiya scolded them. “One more time! One, two...”
“Amagi Brilliant Park!” the girls chimed together. “Only 30 yen!”
Seiya had felt a bit guilty about forcing the sickly princess to join them, but he didn’t have time to worry about appearances. He finished up the filming, then headed straight back to his office.
He did some retouching on a rather old PC, which had been sent to him by General Affairs. He slapped on a random font, then laid out the details of the 30 yen campaign. All in all, it took him ten minutes. He called in the head of the PR department, sent the data to his address, and then gave him a detailed set of instructions.
Incidentally, the head of PR was a strange creature from one of those magical realms. He looked like a three-heads-tall triceratops wearing stylish glasses. His name was Tricen—a bit on the nose as names went, but it appeared to be his real one.
“Oh-ho... this is good. This is really, really quite good,” Tricen purred as he checked the raw video footage. “Normally, amateur videos like these are a dime a dozen, so they don’t make much of an impact, but this one’s different.”
“Really? It was purely a move of desperation on my part...” Seiya admitted.
“Absolutely,” Tricen reassured him. “The three of them have excellent assets—they’re cuter than most idol singers, and their reticence makes them more compelling. It lacks any sense of calculation, which is the heart of moe. I, the humble Tricen, must hunch over in appreciation.” They were atrocious things to say with such ease and sincerity.
“...Hey,” Seiya objected indignantly.
“Forgive me,” Tricen said apologetically. “...Anyway, I think these assets will cause a stir in the mascot industry.”
“You think?”
“Yes. Isuzu-san and Muse-san are both superior specimens, to be sure, but Latifah-sama is part of the Maple Land royal family. To see Her Highness looking... so frail and underdeveloped... ohh, the poignancy! But that poignancy is also attractive. Might I take a few moments in the bathroom?”
“Absolutely not,” Seiya said firmly. Wa
s there a single decent person in this park?
“The only trouble,” Tricen observed, “is that it won’t appeal to the housewives at all. It may actually backfire with them...”
“I have other things in mind for them.”
“I see. But I must say... I am surprised that Moffle-san gave permission for Latifah-sama to appear like this.”
“...?” What a strange thing to say, Seiya thought. Why would I need that rat’s permission?
“Oh. You didn’t know? Lord Moffle is Latifah-sama’s—” The sound of a door bursting open interrupted Tricen’s words.
“Kanie Seiyaaaa!” The door, kicked off its hinges, smashed into the far wall before toppling end-over-end to the floor. Moffle stomped his way in, radiating violence.
“What is it, rat?” Seiya asked.
“You’ll die for this fumooo!” Moffle charged at Seiya, and lashed out with a paw. Seiya just barely managed to dodge, weaving deftly to put some space between them.
“What the hell?!” he demanded.
“Shut up! How dare you use Latifah like some little tramp?! Swimsuits? Advertising?! Unforgivable, fumo!” Moffle pressured him further, dishing out paw-strikes right and left. “You know that Latifah is sick! Yet you sent her out in the cold air, forced her to debase herself in that sexualized outfit... It will not stand, fumo!”
“Forced her?” Seiya objected incredulously, “I told her she didn’t have to do it!”
“You knew she wouldn’t refuse, fumo! She’s... she’s... she’s a good girl, fumo! You took advantage of her!” Moffle vaulted forward with another powerful punch. Seiya dodged, leaving the mascot to break his desk in two. Tricen ran around, trying to avoid the flying splinters.
“Fumomomomomomomo!” Another thousand paw-punches rained down on Seiya.
“Gnaaaaaaaah!” Seiya rose to the challenge, deflecting each of them in turn.
So fast! So powerful! He could feel Moffle’s anger and sorrow through his palms...
“Ngh...” There was honesty in this power. Did he owe it to Moffle, as a man, to bear the brunt of his heart’s primal scream? Was that his duty as acting manager? Like hell it is!
“You damned rat!” He let an attack slip by, then lashed out with a roundhouse kick. Fists in a guard position, Moffle bent over to dodge, and simultaneously let out a swift one-two. Pa-pow! Seiya blocked the punches, gained some distance, then worked to catch his breath. Looks like I can’t let him get in too close, he realized.
Hey, is that...! Those rhythmical movements of his body. That guard position, with his short arms pulled back, like he was chewing on his fists. Yes, it was...
“Peek-A-Boo style?!” Seiya demanded incredulously. The ultimate close-range fighting style—Mike Tyson’s specialty, which had laid out countless opponents. It was considered something of an anachronism under boxing’s current focus on safety, but it could still imbue a strong, short fighter with devastatingly explosive power. With Moffle’s height and his god-given strength, it could unleash amazing force.
Moffle’s expression changed, as if to say, Oh? You know it? “That’s right,” he boasted. “I was taught by the famous Cus D’Amato, Tyson’s own trainer. I was the last of his students, fumo.”
Yeah, I doubt that, Seiya thought skeptically. And if it’s true, how the hell old does that make you?
“I’d sworn that I’d never use the style on an amateur. But for you, Kanie Seiya... For the sake of your execution, I will break that seal.” Moffle’s rush was like the charge of a reinforced tank. “You’ll feel the gravity of your crime... for making Latifah look sexy, fumo!”
This wasn’t good, Seiya realized. If the office was a ring, then he’d been driven into the corner. At this rate, he’d have nowhere to run to. He’d just end up pummeled! “Ngh...” Wasn’t there anywhere he could go? No opening to the left, no opening to the right... Yet there was one way. Yes, it was... up!
“Ngaaaaaagh!” Seiya attempted a superhuman jump into the air. Moffle clicked his tongue and attempted to intercept. Then, Sento Isuzu fired “pain like stubbing your little toe on the dresser” bullets into both of them.
“That’s quite enough,” Isuzu said. She held her musket at the ready, looking down at the two of them writhing on the ground. She was already in her park uniform; she must have gotten changed, and then run all the way here.
“Mof... fu...!”
“Th-That... hurts...!”
“Enough of this pointless fighting,” Isuzu told them firmly. “...Now, Lord Moffle. The princess agreed to modeling with full understanding of the situation.”
“Moffu. But... but...!” Tears of chagrin streamed down Moffle’s cheeks.
“The princess showed no signs of distress,” she continued. “Crimson from embarrassment, she declared ‘Forsooth, that such apparel might please the rougher sex... ’tis abashment unrival’d!’”
“Grr...”
“Why did you put it in literary style?” Seiya wanted to know. And doesn’t that amount to her saying, “It’s embarrassing that men would find this outfit pleasing?”
Isuzu ignored him, and went on, “One of the vassals who heard it said... ‘Your words reach their ears, milady, and they squeeeth.’” In other words, the princess’s words made the men squee.
“Seriously, why the literary style?” Seiya demanded. “...And can you really conjugate ‘squee’ that way?”
“At any rate, Latifah-sama gave ready consent to the matter,” Isuzu concluded. “Therefore, Lord Moffle, I cannot agree that your protest is appropriate.”
“Moffu... But you should avoid taking Latifah-sama out of the rooftop garden,” he said with dismay. “You know that’s the barrier, fumo.”
“She should be safe as long as I’m with her,” said Isuzu.
“Fine, fumo,” Moffle reluctantly agreed.
“Kanie-kun. Moffle caused another problem. Are you going to fire him?” she asked.
“...No. He kept it backstage, so it doesn’t count.” If he’d tried something like this in front of the guests, Seiya would have fired him on the spot. Fortunately, they were in his office, behind closed doors. As infuriating as it might be, he couldn’t fire someone based on personal emotion.
“Understood,” she affirmed. “Fine, then. Return to work at once, Moffle.”
Work was over for the day.
The guests who were shown into the plaza were counted as entrants, so attendance was along the lines of what he’d expected: 1,491.
PR manager Tricen worked hard, and got the Amagi Brilliant Park 30 yen promotion uploaded to the internet around dinnertime. The sexy advertising video that had so enraged Moffle was now on both the park’s homepage, and a popular video site.
After returning home exhausted around midnight, Seiya checked the hits on the promo video. Tricen was right when he said that the girls had considerable appeal; it was a shameless and transparent ploy, but one that would surely attract attention.
Never underestimate sex appeal... he thought. Attracting attention was their first priority. They had to do whatever it took to get there. However... Contrary to his hopes, the announcement video’s hits were a mere 83.
It had been four hours since he had uploaded the promotion. Even if it was just people associated with the park checking it out of curiosity, he would have wanted it to be a little higher. Perhaps he’d been naive after all.
[Today’s park attendance: 1,491. (97,298 from goal) / 12 days left.]
Seiya took the next day off from school as well. It was the first day of the 30 yen campaign; he just couldn’t bring himself to sit in class and wait for reports. He commuted to the park early in the morning to see how things were going onstage, micromanage, and hold conferences.
Attendance was even lower than it had been the day before. It was a weekday; a Wednesday. It was natural that there wouldn’t be many people there. Besides, hardly anybody knew about the 30 yen campaign yet. Seiya planned to keep promoting during the week, with newspaper inserts and the like
, but he had his doubts about how much attention that would garner.
In the gaps between various tasks and meetings, he continued checking the Internet. Just before closing time, there were 163 hits on the announcement video. Almost no increase at all.
He was passing through the cast entrance on the way home, cradling his head in disappointment, when the security officer addressed him. “Heading home, Kanie-san?”
“Yeah...”
“Today was a strange day, wasn’t it?” the security guard observed.
“...?”
“Well... As you know, there are a number of surveillance cameras onstage,” he confided. “They pick up audio, too. I watch them in my spare time, and...”
“And?” Seiya asked back. The security guard smiled awkwardly, as if unsure about exactly what to say.
“I heard a great deal of laughter, from both the cast and the guests...”
Seiya was utterly exhausted. He was exhausted, so he didn’t pay any heed to the security guard’s words. Their attendance numbers were hopeless. Laughter? he thought, What good is that supposed to do us?
He returned home and checked their hits again: 218. It was impossible. How could he get 100,000 people to the park when only 200 had seen his video?
[Today’s park attendance: 1,448. (95,850 from goal) / 11 days left.]
Suzuran Shopping Street, Amagi Station North Entrance
They were back at “Savage,” the yakitori bar near Amagi Station.
“I came because you said you were having a kickoff celebration...” Isuzu said. “Why is it just the four of us here?” She was sitting around the table in the tatami mat room with Moffle, Macaron, and Tiramii.
“I invited others, but they didn’t come, fumo...” Moffle said.