by Kate Long
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked when he came close enough.
‘Sorry, I know you said – I thought I’d just swing by on the off-chance.’ He grinned nervously and adjusted his glasses. Then there was this awkward hovering moment where in the old days we’d have hugged but now we very much didn’t.
‘Is everything all right? Shit, you haven’t been sent to break some bad news, have you?’ The way my life was at the moment it wouldn’t have surprised me.
Daniel frowned. ‘I’m here to drop off a gift for Will. And – if I’m invited – to say a quick hello to the birthday boy. Is that OK?’
‘How did you know which train I’d be on?’
‘Guessed. There aren’t that many.’
‘Oh. Sorry. Yeah, of course.’
‘Look, I appreciate I’ve sprung myself on you. Say if you’d rather I disappeared.’
Daniel at Will’s party. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘Is it better if I leave?’
‘No.’
‘What, then?’
I had no reply, so he took my rucksack for me and we began to walk along the platform in the direction of the slipway.
‘I suppose I could do with a lift,’ I said.
I picked Will up from Maud’s – dread to think what she’d been letting him do because his hands were covered in sticky fluff – and brought him home to get ready. I’d pretty much kept it simple, filled two carrier bags at Aldi with sausage rolls, crisps, mini-muffins and a ready-iced birthday cake. But I wanted to lay it out nicely. I was using Nan’s flowery cloth and the polka-dot crockery.
At twelve Eric came round with Kenzie and helped me plate up some of the food, while I went upstairs and retrieved the trike from the bottom of Charlotte’s wardrobe. I don’t know if you’ve ever attempted to wrap a trike in sparkly paper. I’ll be honest, I’ve tackled easier jobs. Before I went back down I took five minutes to spruce myself up, couldn’t recall the last time I’d bothered with lipstick or eye-shadow. Then it was a run round the carpets with the vac because a couple of the mums from nursery were coming and no one judges the state of your house the way a strange woman does.
While I hoovered, I tried to imagine where on earth I might put Steve’s bed and associated paraphernalia, where a grab-rail might work best, whether a wheelchair would fit between the armchair and the china cabinet. I knew from Nan’s visits home how much clutter comes with disability. Would I be able to leave him on his own? Could I work and look after him? How would he call for help during the night? The thought of everything I’d need to sort out nearly made my brain collapse. And how long had I got to make up my mind? Surely we were talking months. But maybe not. They kicked people out of hospital way earlier than they ever used to.
I paused to switch off the vac, and through the kitchen doorway I could see Eric reach up to switch on the extractor fan, crouch to pull out a serving bowl, and step easily over the cat. He looked so healthy and whole. It bloody wasn’t fair, my life. Not on any front.
Even though I was longing to see Will, I asked Daniel to drive up to the reservoir and park the car for twenty minutes. I was shaking, I don’t know why.
We sat looking out over the grey water.
He said, ‘How are things?’
I laughed flatly. ‘Pretty damn awful.’
‘Yes, they would be. What’s the latest on your dad?’
‘Waiting for his next op.’
‘My father says to tell you that the shoulder joint your dad’s having fitted is the best on the market, state of the art. How’s your mum coping?’
‘More or less holding it together.’
Daniel hooked his index fingers over the bottom rim of the steering wheel. ‘And you, Charlotte. How are you doing?’
Without you, I thought, drowning. I miss you. Seeing you now’s sent my heart into freefall. I want you to take me in your arms and tell me it’s going to be all right. Then it will be.
I said, ’I find it hard when I go in and see him. I’ve only been allowed on the ward twice in case I upset him. Because I can’t seem to be as calm as Mum, and they say that’s not helpful if I’m crying all over his blankets. But he’s my dad, he’s supposed to be fit and strong and look after me. I’ve never seen him weak and helpless. It’s just wrong. You know, his knee’s so mashed they can’t even fit an artificial joint, there’s nothing to attach it to. They’ve had to put in a mesh cage and inject ground-up donor bone. It’s just awful.’
Up till then Dan and I had avoided eye-contact, but now I turned to him, appealing. Hold me, comfort me.
And then, miraculously, his arms were round me, and he was squeezing me and patting my back and making soothing noises. Relief just flooded through me. I wriggled across the seat so I was closer, laid my head on his chest.
‘It will get better, Charlotte.’ His voice vibrated through his breastbone. ‘I promise.’
‘He’ll never be the same, though. I heard Mum on the phone say the surgeon couldn’t promise more than a forty-five-degree bend in his leg. He won’t get full movement back in his arm, either. He’s wrecked two limbs out of four, basically.’
Daniel went on patting. ‘Consultants always try and cover themselves, they always err on the pessimistic. Often recovery’s much better than they dare predict. And my father says bones continue healing for years after a major trauma, so your dad could be improving for ages after he comes home.’
‘Do you think – could I have another talk with your dad sometime? It’s just, Mum holds stuff back and there are questions I don’t like to ask her.’
‘Of course. He’d be happy to.’
We stayed as we were for another minute or so. I could hear seagulls crying faintly, and the hum of traffic passing. Sticking out from the car mat, I noticed, was a tatty leaflet left over from the Twenty-First Century Rocks event. I wondered how the concert had gone in the end, whether Amelia had been satisfied. How they’d celebrated afterwards. But I wouldn’t let my thoughts go down that route; it was pointless.
I said, ‘Look, while I’m here, there’s something else, too. I really need to tell you something.’
He tensed very slightly in my arms.
‘What it is, Dan, I’ve done a terrible thing – God, I can’t keep it in any longer. I might have started something really bad and I don’t know how to stop it.’
Still he said nothing, but the silence sounded sympathetic.
‘Can you keep a secret?’
‘You know I can, Charlotte. And for what it’s worth, I’m sure it’s not so terrible, whatever it is you think you’ve done. You’re very fragile now.’
‘No, it is bad. I’ve got to offload. I’ve had no one to confide in. Please.’
‘Tell me, then, if you think it’ll help.’
I pulled myself away and faced the windscreen, focusing on the rippled surface of the reservoir because I didn’t dare watch his face while I was speaking. Then I began to tell him about Jessie.
By the time I’d finished, the car windows were steamed up, as if we were a courting couple. When I was at school we used to go a bit stupid if we saw a car parked like that. We’d bang on the windows and bonnet, then run off. What a laugh. If anyone tried that now I’d jump out of the car and nut them.
‘Wow,’ said Daniel in the pause that followed my story.
‘Should I have given her money, do you think?’
‘Absolutely not.’
‘She was really poor.’
‘Sorry to be harsh, but that’s not your problem.’
‘I might have been able to save her.’
‘From what?’ He shook his head. ‘You don’t know the real situation. You only had her version of events and for all you know she could have been exaggerating. Perhaps this Dex can take charge. Or she can go to someone else. There must be other people, closer people, she can appeal to. The authorities, as a last resort; Citizens Advice. In any case, it’s her responsibility if she mixes with dodgy characters.’
‘Cash m
ight have guaranteed she’d stay away,’ I said gloomily.
‘I think if you’d tried to buy her silence, it could well have started an unhealthy pattern of contact. Could you see her settling for a one-off payment, honestly?’
No, I couldn’t. And that was one relief, at least. In my mind I’d many times played out just handing over my purse, Jessie’s possible reactions, whether a single grand concession like that might have straightened everything between us. It was good to hear Daniel squash that particular dream.
‘If this woman still comes after us, though, that’s my family blown apart, just when we’re least able to cope. I’ve been so fucking stupid.’
When I dared look across he was tapping the wheel, considering. ‘You may never hear from her again.’
‘But if I do? She is a whack job, so it’s quite likely.’
‘OK. You’ve met her, I haven’t, remember. We need to think through a strategy then.’
‘There is no strategy, unless I can rewind time. I’ve ruined everything.’
‘Don’t say that. Look, let’s think up a worst-case scenario plan. Even if you don’t use it, it’ll make you feel more in control.’
‘What kind of a plan? What can I possibly do here to make things better?’
He steepled his fingers in exactly the same way Martin sometimes does during tutorials. If I hadn’t felt so rubbish it would have made me smile. ‘Well, first, if she contacts you directly, threaten her with the police.’
‘Would they be bothered? She said they wouldn’t.’
‘What have you got on her? Attempted blackmail, potentially; harassment; theft. I should think so.’
That last bit was certainly true. When I’d got home, amid all the chaos of Dad’s accident, I discovered Jessie had helped herself to fifty quid from the back of my purse. No idea when that went.
‘God, she’d be livid, though.’
‘So what, if it stops her in her tracks? Actually, you could write down an account of what she did and have it ready to hand over as a statement. Do it soon, while it’s fresh and you’re still fairly calm because it’s hard to recall detail under pressure, that’s been proven. Also – and you won’t like this but you need to try it – rehearse what you’re going to say to your mother if she does find out you went to London.’
I covered my face with my hands. ‘No way. I can’t.’
‘You can, Charlotte. Sketch it out now. Come on! One: you were trying to help. Two: you’re sorry how it turned out. Three: you’re prepared to do whatever you can to minimise the damage. That’s basically what you need to tell her. And then what’s the very worst your mum can do? Be cross. Well, she’s been cross with you before. She’ll get over it. But the upside of her knowing is that, if this Jessie does decide to make waves, you’ll be able to tackle her together.’
I could see he was right. The idea was hideous to contemplate, though. I mean, yeah, we’d had our battles, Mum and me. Years’ worth, stretching as far back as I could remember. Worst by a mile had been how she was over my pregnancy, but I’d stood my ground and in the end she’d been fine, more than fine. So I wasn’t afraid of her anger. I could cope with another bout. That wasn’t the issue. What I couldn’t cope with was how much it would hurt her that I’d blindly interfered, hooked us up to a really nasty piece of work.
Daniel said, ‘The approach to take here is, you may not be able to change the past but you can shape how the future pans out. Yes?’
His eyebrows were raised encouragingly, his glasses glinting, his curly hair sticking out in random directions. And I thought again how much I’d missed him. Whatever had happened between Dan and me, we had this bond. That hadn’t changed. We would patch things up between us, he would have me back. Maybe not today, but soon, when he’d had the chance to mull it over. I just had to convince him.
‘Yes, you’re right. I can see it. I need to let the ideas percolate.’
‘It’s not going to be easy, but if the worst happens, you’ll manage. You will, you know.’
A rush of love overwhelmed me.
‘God, Daniel. You’re so calm, you think stuff through so clearly. I owe you so much.’
He fiddled with his glasses, then started to speak but he didn’t get the words out because next thing, I’d leaned across and fastened my lips on his. His skin was soft and warm. Oh, Dan. I was home, I was safe.
‘Charlotte—’ he said when I broke away.
I shushed him. Let the moment stand.
Twenty metres in front of us, waves lapped angrily at the shore. The sky was darkening, the wind was getting up.
As if on autopilot Daniel reached for the car keys, slotted them in. A couple of times he glanced across in a baffled way. Finally he swallowed and spoke.
‘Charlotte, I have to say this. I can’t take you back. I’m sorry.’
‘What? What do you mean?’
‘I mean I don’t want us to get back together.’
‘You do. I can tell. The way you kissed me.’
‘No.’
‘You do love me! You came specially to see me, you put your arms round me. You let me tell you personal secrets.’
‘You wanted to talk.’ His shoulders drooped. ‘Please, Charlotte. Please don’t stir everything up again. There isn’t time, anyway. We have to get to Will’s party.’
I stared at him but his mouth was set firm.
‘So why did you come today? What was the point?’
‘To check you were OK. I’ve been worried about you. And to see Will.’
‘See Will? You must be joking.’ Anger fought with disappointment, humiliation. ‘Why should I let you see Will? How’s that going to help anyone?’
‘Because I care about—’
‘Stop it, stop it there. Don’t say you care about him, or about me, not in the same bloody breath as telling me we’re finished. You can’t have it both ways. Caring isn’t jerking people around, making them think one thing and then doing another. If you didn’t want to raise my hopes, you should have kept away. Why didn’t you stay away? And Will needs to get used to you not being there. It’s cruel to keep appearing and disappearing. You have to let us be. That’s part of the package. That’s what ending a relationship means. Start the car and take me home, Daniel. I need to be with my son.’
He held himself very still while I finished, then he fired up the engine, revving it hard.
I thought the car would implode with misery before we reached the end of the road.
I was in the back kitchen trying to defuse a bottle of pop Ryan Marshall had been shaking but I heard her come in, all loud and jolly. I swore under my breath and eased the bottle cap as carefully as I could; even so, dandelion and burdock spurted down my arm and dripped onto the floor. He’s a little sod, that Marshall kid. His mother hasn’t a clue.
I stood the bottle in the sink and wiped round, then I went through to say hello. Charlotte was pulling off her jacket, her cheeks all red and her make-up smudged. She was wearing black tights and daft ankle-length socks over the top, and her skirt was far too short. She’s going to have to smarten up when she goes job-hunting, that’s for sure. As I watched, Will came bowling up and she straight away flung herself down on her knees, started mauling about on the carpet with him, rolling about and banging into table legs. You could see her knickers and everything. I caught Ryan’s mum looking at Drew Tipton’s mum, and smirking.
‘She studies at the University of Central Yorkshire,’ I said. Who were these women to dismiss my daughter at a glance? That’s the trouble with kids’ parties, the mothers who hang around and pass judgement.
‘And does she have a boyfriend?’ asked Mrs Marshall.
‘No,’ I said firmly. I wasn’t even going to think about that today. I’d given up grieving over Daniel; any grief-energy I had was going on my ex. It is amazing how one crisis can completely eclipse another.
Eric, meanwhile, was squinting out of the window. ‘Did someone give you a lift, Charlotte?’
�
�No,’ she said. ‘I walked it.’ She was tickling Will and I couldn’t see her face because her hair was hanging down.
There was a plastic bag on the sofa. I said, ‘You’ve not been buying him extra, have you?’
‘It’s only something I picked up along the way, Mum. Stick it on the pile.’
Now she’d come we could at last let the birthday boy loose on his presents. The trike was meant to be held back as the grand finale, but he went straight for it and tore away the top layer of paper before we could stop him. Then he lost momentum, distracted by a sparkly pompom I’d stuck to the gift tag. Eric had to lean in and finish the job, and by the time he had, Will had broken into a box of Smarties. ‘Look,’ everyone was going, ‘look at your lovely trike.’ Will just carried on stuffing Smarties into his mouth. Ryan made a determined grab for the handlebars but Drew’s mother distracted him with a party blower. When it was clear that progress had completely stalled, Charlotte knelt to help. She undid the parcels one by one, showed them to Will and then to us, and piled them in the far corner, away from Ryan. Maud had sent a children’s prayer book, short-sighted Ivy some liqueur chocolates. Debbie, who used to clean for us back in the days when I was Mum’s carer, had posted a dinosaur nameplate for his bedroom door. Leo had sent a parcel of Enid Blytons and Sylv a new ladybird dish and spoon. Charlotte’s impulse-buy turned out to be a light-up map of the stars. God knows what possessed her to get him that, it was way too old for him. Mrs Marshall had bought him a toy trumpet (evil cow), and Mrs Tipton a jigsaw alphabet.
Eric had got him a football. ‘I hope he gets on with it better than our Kenzie,’ he said. ‘You throw a ball in his direction and he just flinches. He’s not remotely interested, are you, son? Oh, hang on, where’s he disappeared to now?’
We all looked round but he wasn’t anywhere obvious.
‘Well, he can’t have gone far,’ I said. ‘He’s in the house, for definite. He’s too small to reach the front-door latch and the back one’s locked. I’ll check the loo, shall I?’
‘I don’t want him wandering about,’ said Eric.
It had crossed my mind he might have sneaked off to my bedroom to stroke my velvet scarf – he’d developed a bit of an obsession with it last time he was here and in the end I’d let him wear it round his shoulders like a cape. There’d been tears when he had to part from it. In fact, I’d said to Eric he could have it if it meant so much, but Eric flat-refused. I suppose it did make the lad look a bit camp.