‘Idiot, I should have thought of that,’ Alaric chided himself.
‘No, Grandmama should. She took your money and spent it lavishly on parties and grand toilettes for herself and entertaining her friends, like that horrid man she was so insistent I had to marry. She should have done all the things for me other girls’ relatives did. I will not have you blaming yourself for her selfishness, Uncle Alaric,’ she told him rather sternly and Marianne was very tempted to nod her agreement.
‘Whatever I can or cannot blame myself for, we clearly cannot go to Stratford Park today, Jojo. If you will unpack one of those boxes the men have been so busy strapping safely to my travelling carriage so you may wash your face and brush your hair and meet me downstairs when you are ready, we three can decide what to do next. Come, Mrs Turner, I believe Juno will come about if we leave her in peace for a few minutes to compose herself.’
Marianne followed him out like a faithful sheepdog after her shepherd and expected to be dismissed from a position she had told herself she did not want very much anyway. Now it was fading away it seemed like a lost opportunity to be close to the man without anybody realising how badly she wanted to be close to him and that was a giveaway of her true feelings, was it not? She obviously felt far more for Viscount Stratford than she had ever wanted to feel for another man after Daniel died and this time it could not go anywhere at all. Just as well if he did dismiss her, then.
‘I should have known,’ she said as soon as they were out of Juno’s hearing.
‘Nonsense, and if we are both going to blame ourselves nothing will get done. We simply need to find another place for her to go since I do not have the heart to force her to face those little harpies. If you will help me to do so, I will be grateful and I am sure Juno will be as well.’
‘You do not mind that your plans are spoilt?’
‘No, I do not like Stratford Park very much myself so I will not be heartbroken if Juno does not want to live there.’
‘But isn’t it very grand indeed?’ Marianne said, the radical idea a man might not actually like his ancestral home making him seem less lordly and more human. Sometimes she really wished he was hard-hearted and arrogant so he would seem less appealing to a susceptible idiot like her.
‘It is, very grand. I am not very fond of grand—I have discovered lately that I much prefer comfortable. If your brother would only sell it to me, I would far rather live here than in a vast Palladian folly like Stratford Park.’
‘He will never do that, he loves it here.’
‘I know, pity,’ he said with a grin as if he really was relieved not to be going back to huge and famous Stratford Park.
‘What do you think you might do instead?’
‘If you and Juno are agreeable, we could travel until the roads become too difficult to do so freely, then we can think again. It might be good for Juno to wander about her own country and explore whatever bits of it take her fancy at the time.’
‘But you are an important man of affairs and I know you have obligations to your tenants and neighbours. At least Darius only has three farms to worry himself over and all of them are within easy riding distance.’
‘I envy him more and more every day,’ he said lightly and Marianne almost believed him.
* * *
After a day to regroup and for Juno to recover from her tears and chagrin, they ended up taking a very leisurely journey up into Shropshire for a week or more. Then they explored Cheshire for another week or two. Derbyshire came next and by then it was agreed that Lord Stratford would soon have to leave them to their travels while he attended to some of that business he and Marianne had talked about at Owlet Manor and he also met his agent and did all the things conscientious viscounts had to do.
Marianne and Juno shared a maid now and the girl sat silent and rather glum on the seat opposite them as they rolled down yet another country road to a country town where they were to spend another countrified night. The girl could not be much older than Juno, but she ghosted about their bedchambers night and morning, laying out this and that and being so silently helpful Marianne felt inhibited by the barriers between servants and served for the first time in her life.
The maids at the vicarage where she grew up had been cheerfully loud, tossing remarks back and forth to one another as they cleaned or cooked or helped the children with their dressing and undressing until they were considered old enough to do it themselves. This sort of service was different and Marianne had to find the line superior servants seemed to want to hold between them and their noble employers and even with Miss Defford’s companion. She felt subtly put in her place by the silent efficiency of the girl and even the grooms and coachman said very little as they sped through the sleepy countryside. Lord Stratford rode ahead most of the time, but he was often wrapped up in his own thoughts even when they came together at those inns along the way where they were fussed over and spoilt because of his rank and power. Perhaps he was simply enjoying the peace and quiet and the changing scene. He was obviously completely fit and healthy again after his accident, so maybe he was enjoying travelling about his homeland after several months spent among the tension and furore of a Paris struggling to come to terms with the downfall of their beloved Emperor.
Marianne sighed and shifted in her comfortable seat and heartily wished she was not such a fool. All three of them were embarking on a new life, even if this current one did feel a bit like a limbo between their old and new ones. Lord Stratford had sent in his resignation to the government, so he told Juno there would be no more duties distracting him from his family and estates from now on. Whatever he had done for them in the past, he must be a reliable and subtle diplomat if the men of power relied on his tact and discretion to smooth out some of the bumps in the Duke of Wellington’s rocky road as British Ambassador to France.
Marianne knew from experience how abrasive and pernickety and downright rude the great man could be, even if he was also steadfast and subtle and brave and almost a genius when it came to the delicate balancing of troops and terrain in battle. She admired the Duke deeply and even the sight of him steady and unquestionably in charge would put heart into his army. His men had trusted him not to waste their lives on vainglory, but they did not adore him as so many Frenchmen almost seemed to worship Napoleon Bonaparte.
The carriage rounded a long bend and now she could see Lord Stratford riding in front of them again. Would this journey be less tedious if he chose to join them in the carriage rather than ride ahead in solitary state? He seemed so at home in the saddle she supposed he enjoyed the exercise and it was a little stuffy in here so who could blame him for avoiding it? However well-sprung and well-cushioned a carriage was, the novelty of travelling in such style soon wore off as mile after mile sped past and heat began to build as the sun came out. She tried not to let her gaze linger on Lord Stratford’s lithe form to distract her from this jolting box on wheels. They could not even open the windows more than a crack for the pall of dust the horses were kicking up.
Alaric sat his powerful grey as if he had been born in the saddle and what was he going to do with himself now he had laid aside his self-imposed duties? The man she had begun to know under the haughty aristocrat was too restless and clever to be content with the life of a country squire for very long. She frowned at his strong back, powerfully muscled shoulders and narrow flanks and wished he was less compellingly masculine. The idea of him as an idle viscount bent on pleasure seemed laughable right now, but would he be restless and bored after a few weeks of country life and be tempted away to London for the Little Season?
She felt the hum of excitement under this odd new life she was going to be living stumble and halt at the thought of him not being with them and caught herself out in a lie. It was not entirely for Juno’s sake she had agreed to this wandering journey. Of course she had nowhere she wanted to go after Darius and Fliss married and the alternative was finding
work with strangers, if they would employ her, or going back to live with her parents in Bath. But there was a thread of fantasy and need under all the good reasons she had given herself to be here. She wanted him to look at her with sharp interest and seductive intent again just as he did in Great-Uncle Hubert’s study that memorable day. And she did not want her own stupid insecurities to spoil it this time. Yet why would he risk such a stinging rebuke for things he had never said again? He would not, of course he would not, and he must be uncomfortable at the very thought of that frustrating encounter. So every day she told herself there would be something so fascinating and breathtaking to see out of the carriage window she would forget to watch for him like a fool and wish those hasty, bad-tempered words unsaid. And every day she was disappointed.
‘We will soon be in Buxton, Mrs Turner,’ Juno said as if she thought Marianne was flagging and needed encouragement.
‘When will you remember to call me Marianne, Juno?’ Marianne said and tore her gaze from Lord Stratford’s lithe but powerful form to meet Juno’s eyes.
‘What if I forget and do so in public?’
‘It does not matter since I hope we are friends and we can be those in public as well as in private and you really need to stop worrying about what other people will think of you all the time.’
‘That is what Uncle Alaric says, but I cannot bring myself to be bold and brave and I fear I shall never be a credit to him.’
‘You already are and he loves you as you are, Juno. Do you think that will change if you say a wrong word or speak out of turn by accident? If you do, then I do not think you understand him at all.’
‘Perhaps not, but you obviously do,’ Juno said and there was the intelligence and underlying strength of character Alaric was intent on bringing to the surface more of the time, although Marianne preferred it when Juno was not using them on her.
And this silly preoccupation with Lord Stratford had to stop. She would remember to call him that even in her head from now on; Alaric would not do for a lord and his niece’s paid companion. Marianne shifted and shot a wary glance at the maid, but the girl had succumbed to the warmth of the day, the rocking of the coach and the sheer boredom of trailing around the country on the whims of the aristocracy and was fast asleep again. The girl must have slept her way through half of her native land by now.
‘It does not take a great deal of insight to see love behind His Lordship’s iron determination to find you when he got to Broadley so travel stained and exhausted you would barely have recognised him. A shame, perhaps, that he was shaven and tidied up by the time you saw him that day; if you had met him weary and desperate for news of you as I did when he rode in soon after the dawn you would know how deeply he longed to find you safe and well and how much he loves you.’
‘And I might not have made him go away and he would not have been thrown from that horrid horse and given us all such a terrible fright.’
‘We would probably not be sitting here having this conversation then, since His Lordship and I did not like one another very much at the time. I dare say he would never have realised my sterling qualities and companionable virtues for the bad blood between us back then and, if you had agreed to go back to Wiltshire with him, I would never have got to know you better either and I would miss you, Juno.’
‘No, you would not, because you would never have found out how wonderful and unique I am and what excellent company I can be, but I am very glad we did stay at Owlet Manor and that you are my companion now.’
‘Thank you, so am I,’ Marianne said, but she was not quite sure she really meant it. If Lord Stratford had only gone away again as soon as he reclaimed his niece, maybe Marianne would have forgotten about him by now. At least then her heart would not ache whenever she thought how differently matters might have fallen out if he was born a humbler man and she was a more confident woman.
Chapter Sixteen
After Lord Stratford went off to be a dutiful lord and look after his grand house and estates and vast numbers of tenants’ interests for a while it felt lonely and a little bit pointless and meandering to keep on travelling without him. Marianne sat in a coffee room of yet another comfortable inn one morning, brooding about whether it was more painful to see him every day and not be able to touch or be touched by him or not to see him at all and miss even the sight of him. Sometimes it felt as if half of her was always somewhere else, wondering how he was and what he was doing and if he missed her, too. Probably not, she concluded and sighed over her letter from Darius and Fliss and almost wished she was back at Owlet Manor with them, except Alaric would not be there either.
‘You look very pensive, Marianne,’ Juno interrupted her reverie and made her start guiltily.
‘I was daydreaming,’ she replied truthfully.
‘About sad things from the look of you,’ Juno said gently. ‘Did you love your husband so very much?’ she asked impulsively, then looked cross with herself for asking. ‘I do beg your pardon. Of course you do not want to talk about him to a stranger. How clumsy of me.’
‘No, it was not and you are not a stranger.’
‘I know I am young and must respect your privacy as Uncle Alaric told me to, but I cannot help wondering how it feels to be in love. How do you know when you have found your special he, that he is not just another gentleman with a pleasing face and form and gentle enough manners?’
‘Of course you must ask such questions or how are you to learn more about the world? Yes, I did love my husband, very deeply. I miss him so much at times it feels as if I only lost him yesterday and at others he seems so far away from me I think I must have imagined so much about him I know to be true. I dare say none of that makes any sense to you, but I pray you will never have to find out for yourself how it feels to love someone deeply and sincerely and then lose him, Juno. I hope your love affair turns out to be a lifelong one when you finally get around to falling in love with a man who deserves you.’
‘But how will I know it is really love I am feeling? How did you know your husband was going to be the one you would love for life when you met him?’
‘I—’ Marianne broke off and met Juno’s painfully honest blue gaze and for a moment she could not get past the fact her eyes were so much like her uncle’s the resemblance jarred her heart with pain and nostalgia and made her think too hard about love again.
Now she was missing Lord Stratford instead of Daniel Turner and it felt disloyal. She suddenly had a mental picture of her beloved husband turning around to smile one of his loving, glowing smiles at her as he walked away with a wave towards another path she had to take without him now. This time the tears could not be held back.
She had been wrong at Owlet Manor when she cried all over Alaric—she was a watering pot. The panic and remorse in poor Juno’s face at the sight of her tears made her reach for her sensible handkerchief and scrub them away. The poor girl obviously thought she had caused these tears, but they were Alaric’s fault and she could not even be furious with him to stop it hurting. Under all that lordly temper and arrogance he was a good man and would probably hate the idea of causing her pain, so Juno must never find out she sometimes cried over him and not just Daniel.
She wondered as she stared out of the coffee-room window to try and fight her eyes dry if it would truly be better if she had never met the man. No, she would have missed so much. She shook her head at the thought of the hollow that she would have left in her life. He had marched into it and forced her bruised emotions back to life; it was much better to feel than simply exist from day to day, so she had to be glad of him. She sighed for the simple inevitability of her and Daniel’s love for one another and supposed they were much luckier in love than Lord Stratford and Mrs Turner were fated to be. So where were they before she diverted herself with a new set of tears? Ah, yes, love. At least she could talk about her feelings for Daniel openly.
‘I was not the noble h
eroine you seem to want to paint me as when I first met my husband, Juno. I could not believe I could really be in love with my brother’s sergeant and fought my feelings for him for as long as I could fool myself it was simply not possible,’ she said as honestly as she could with that forbidden and this time I shall have to fight them for the rest of my life caveat in her head. ‘Daniel was Darius’s steadfast comrade in arms and saved his life more than once and I clung to all the distinctions of rank and fortune between us for a while, as if I was a princess and he was a peasant. I wonder he did not simply shrug and march away from me with barely a second thought.’
‘Obviously you did not cling to them all that hard,’ Juno argued.
Marianne decided she would have to be careful not to make it sound a wildly romantic tale and tempt Juno to follow her example. There could never be two men like Daniel even if there were any more wars to fight and God send there were not. ‘I had enough of my mother in me back then to do my very best to deny the fire and warmth that sparked between Daniel and me from the first moment we laid eyes on one another, Juno,’ she continued as carefully as she could with the memory of that time to warm her with a smile for the man who had marched into her heart and stolen it without even trying. ‘His honesty and big heart and the uniquely lovable fact of him wore my snobbery down in the end. I knew I could never even think about being happy with another man while he was alive somewhere to let me know I was wrong to even try to forget him inside a more suitable marriage for a vicar’s elder daughter.’
And apparently I still possess that genius for falling in love with unsuitable men.
Marianne finally admitted the truth to herself. She was no happier about this admission of her true feelings for a man than she had been seven years ago when she finally accepted the fact Daniel would always hold her heart, never mind him being a suitable life partner or being able to keep her and any children they might have in the sort of comfort, if not much luxury, she was used to as a lady of gentle birth.
Unsuitable Bride For A Viscount (The Yelverton Marriages Book 2) Page 16