‘Where’s your tea, Mum?’ Ava asks.
I turn around and smile at her. ‘I’m not hungry yet, love. I’ll eat later.’
She tucks back into her food and I steal a glance at my phone. Still nothing. I think about sending another message but what good would that do if he’s not opening them anyway? I could text him or get in touch via Facebook Messenger but I think that just pushes me into stalker territory. Instead, I text Janey.
Are you free to come over for a brew tonight?
She replies a little later on as I’m bathing Henry.
Will pop in when kids are in bed xx
By the time she knocks on the door, I’ve spent so long stewing that I’ve decided I don’t need advice. Why would I need advice? It’s not my choice. If Edward has decided he doesn’t even want to hear me out, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t force him.
‘What is it? What’s going on?’ Janey holds up a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream. ‘Wasn’t sure what kind of chat it was going to be.’ I take the tub of ice cream off her and walk into the kitchen.
‘Things between Edward and me took a bit of a turn.’
Janey raises her eyebrows. ‘Oh?’
‘We’re going to need two spoons.’
As Janey prises the lid off the Ben & Jerry’s, I try to calculate how up to date she is and realise she doesn’t really know how together we were. ‘Things were going well. Really well, in fact. We were going on dates; he came here and I cooked for him.’ I shake my head. ‘It doesn’t sound like much but we had this connection that I can’t explain. When I was near him, I never wanted to leave and when we weren’t together, all I could think about was him.’
‘Sounds like you’ve got it bad.’
‘Yes,’ I say quietly.
‘Then why are you talking like it’s all over?’
‘On Saturday, Edward stayed the night. It was the perfect evening; I cooked, we drank and sat beneath the stars. In the morning, he cooked bacon and eggs and it was terrific. Then Mike called.’
‘Mike?’
I nod, not wanting to break my train of thought. ‘He was having some sort of wobble about moving in with Kate and his way of fixing that was to ask if I wanted to get back together with him.’
Janey’s eyes pop. ‘What?’
‘I know. It’s typical Mike to have a massive overreaction when things get a bit tricky. Anyway, Edward overheard part of the conversation and left before I started to talk Mike down. I haven’t been able to get hold of him since and he was off work today.’
‘It’s just a misunderstanding though; you can explain he didn’t hear the whole story.’
‘He’s not opening his messages.’
‘Go and see him?’
‘I did. This is where it gets worse. As I got to his house, I saw Stacy going in.’
Janey digs her spoon in the ice cream and takes a mouthful. ‘Shit.’
‘Indeed.’
‘Maybe he just wanted to talk to someone.’
‘Or maybe he realised Stacy can offer him something much less complicated.’
‘I thought she was seeing that pub landlord.’
‘Given half the chance I think she’d run back to Edward and there he was on a self-pitying platter.’ I plunge my own spoon into the now softening cookie dough ice cream.
‘I don’t get it. If things were so good, why has he run away at the first hurdle? It seems a bit pathetic to me.’
‘The thing is, I understand where he’s coming from. I have a lot of baggage – excess baggage at that. I don’t just come with a bit of history, I come with three kids and an ex-husband who may or may not want me back at sporadic and ill-timed intervals.’
‘So what? At our age, wouldn’t it be weirder if we didn’t have baggage? Even Edward has an ex-wife doesn’t he?’
‘Apparently so, but she’s long gone and with no kids to tie them together, she’s no reason to come back to him.’
‘What do you want to do?’
I draw a deep breath. ‘Eat more ice cream.’
Janey nudges me. ‘And then?’ She gestures to the almost empty tub. ‘This isn’t going to stand the test of time.’
I sigh. ‘Then I draw a line under it and move on.’
Chapter 46
Except I can’t move on. I can’t because I think about Edward every waking minute; his kind, calm manner, his warm lips, the softness of the hair on his chest, his delicious scent and the intensity of his blue eyes when they’re on me. I’m hollow without him. When I’ve dropped the kids off at school the next day, I head to work determined to sort this mess out once and for all.
When I walk in, the scene is much worse than yesterday. A woman is standing by the desk holding a tiny, limp black puppy in her arms, jiggling it gently like you would a colicky baby. Her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy. I glance at reception where Carly and Helen are manning the buzzing phone lines again and get a heavy, sinking feeling. Edward must be off again. Bubbles of anger build inside of me. It surprises me at first but once it’s there, I go with it. Upset or confused he may be, but this is his job and he can’t avoid coming in because he doesn’t want to see me – this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. That puppy doesn’t look like it will make it if Edward doesn’t get here soon. When Helen hangs up the phone I march over and take it from her.
I dial Edward’s number. It goes straight to answerphone so I slam it back on the receiver. ‘Damn it.’
Everyone looks at me but nobody speaks. ‘I’m just going to …’ I point towards the kitchen.
Once I’m in there, I dial Edward again, from my own phone this time. When the answerphone picks up I speak.
‘Edward, I don’t have time to talk about Sunday but you need to get your backside back into work. People need you and there’s a puppy here that won’t survive if you don’t get here quickly. I know you don’t want to see me right now and I’m going to go home so you can come in and do your job. I know you’re not ill. I saw—’
It’s probably for the best that the beep cuts me off there. I type a much briefer version up on my phone and send it by email and text in the hope he’ll get just one of the messages.
I tell Carly and Helen that I’m going to take the rest of the week off but I hope Edward will be in soon to deal with emergencies. I don’t wait for them to say anything, I just leave.
***
I think I go through a mini-state of hysteria. I clean, by choice, and enjoy it for once, and when I think about the whole Edward thing, I laugh. I laugh so hard my abdominal muscles think I’ve done fifty sit-ups (or maybe ten sit-ups – it’s been a while). It’s ridiculous when I think of it. Me, dating. Me, swept up in a romance with my boss of all people. It’s bonkers. I don’t even know how it happened when I think about it. When the house is sparkling, I sit down with the local newspaper and as I’m flicking through, notice an ad for a bookkeeping job in the city. It’s an outsourcing company so basically, I’d be working in an office for an accountancy firm doing the books for small businesses who outsource their books and payroll. I’d only have to meet the business owners a couple of times a year, if at all and now I’m more up to date, I stand a chance at getting it. I run upstairs for my laptop, tweak my CV and fire it off before I think better of it.
This is what I need. It’s good that I’m putting myself out there. Driving some distance between Edward and me is the best thing to do for both our sakes. A year from now, I’ll look back and this will just be a tiny bump in the road.
Chapter 47
‘You got the job!’ Janey beams. It’s Saturday and we’re waiting for Emily and Amanda to arrive for tonight’s book club gathering.
‘No,’ I say, ‘I got an interview but three positions are going because they’re expanding, so I think my odds will be good. I’ll have to go into their office in Manchester a few times a week but otherwise, I can work from home. It’s a few more hours and a bit more money than I’m getting at Prescott’s too.’
‘
It’s great,’ Janey says with little enthusiasm.
‘What’s the matter?’
She twists the corner of her mouth. ‘Nothing, it really does sound great. I suppose I just saw you patching things up with Edward and staying at the vet’s.’
I shrug. ‘The vet’s wasn’t meant to be.’
‘But you were so happy there. You shouldn’t have to leave because you fell out with your boss.’
‘This is why you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure. Look, Edward hasn’t asked me to leave. It’s just better that I do.’
‘You should at least look into constructive dismissal.’ She presses her lips into a hard line.
I laugh softly. ‘Nobody has done anything wrong other than fall in—’
Janey’s eyes bulge. ‘I didn’t know—’
‘I didn’t mean that. I just meant it was a mutual thing and nobody breached any contract or broke any employment laws.’
Janey draws a breath and her lips part like she’s about to speak.
‘End of story,’ I add before she gets the chance. ‘Now, let’s get the nibbles ready.’
The doorbell rings shortly after and it’s Amanda. Emily arrives a few minutes later in a flurry of wine, chocolates and flowers.
‘You don’t have to bring anything,’ I say, kissing her on the cheek.
‘I know. I just want to show how grateful I am to be a part of the group.’
‘Ahh, well that’s very sweet.’ I lean in for a hug.
‘Get a room, you two.’ Janey barges past with a tray of wine glasses and Emily laughs softly.
‘Right,’ I say once everyone is sitting down. ‘I have a bit of a confession to make.’
Three pairs of eyes are upon me. I take a breath. ‘Okay, I didn’t read the book. Truth be told, I can’t even remember what book we were supposed to be reading. It’s been a bit of a … hectic month.’
‘I didn’t read it either,’ Janey says. ‘I started it but I’m only about halfway through. I came here tonight hoping to wing it through the discussions. Sorry.’
‘I just had the ending left to read,’ Emily says, hunching her shoulders.
Amanda folds her arms and sighs. ‘So I am the only person who read the book?’ The three of us nod sheepishly as Amanda looks at us. There’s a moment of tension before her face cracks into a smile. ‘It wasn’t that great anyway. How about we head into Manchester for some cocktails?’
We glance at one another. None of us are really dressed for the occasion.
‘Can we go and get changed first?’ Janey asks.
‘It’s eight o’clock now. I think if we’re going we just do it,’ Emily says. She looks great anyway. She’s one of those people who always wears something casual enough for the daytime but smart enough to wear to a bar. She just has that whole office-to-club vibe permanently. Not that she’s ever stepped foot in an office. Anyway, I digress.
‘Emily is right. Let’s go,’ I say.
Even when we do wild and spontaneous, we’re reserved. I laugh to myself.
Thirty minutes later, we’re standing outside some swanky new cocktail bar that Emily suggested. A few people are queuing to get in but the doormen are letting people in quickly. I get a shiver and wish I’d put my coat on. Although it’s still light, the temperature has dropped with the dipping sun.
As we go to walk in, one of the door attendants sticks his arm out. ‘Sorry, love. No tracksuit bottoms.’
We all glance at Janey’s bottom half. She shrugs. ‘It’s loungewear and it’s comfy. I did ask if I could get changed but you lot wanted to be spontaneous.’
‘Come on. This isn’t going to ruin our night – I know a place,’ I say. It’s only a five-minute walk. On our way, we pass the beautiful, cylindrical library. My eyes are drawn to it, like it’s taunting me for being the world’s worst book club member.
‘Benny’s Beer Keg?’ Three voices whine in protest at the budget pub chain.
‘It’s a nice one and they do cocktails. Come on, it’s either this or we head back to my house.’
Five minutes later we’re sitting on battered sofas drinking gin and tonics.
‘Ladies, I want to say something.’ Amanda puts down her empty glass. ‘For months now, I’ve enjoyed our gatherings. My house is very empty and being alone so much can feel suffocating so I wanted to thank you again for taking me in.’
‘You don’t need to thank us,’ Janey says. ‘We love you.’
Amanda smiles. ‘Well, I love you too but what I want to say is you’ve helped me more than you know. I was in quite a dark place and if I’d have sunk any deeper, I don’t know if I would have ever re-emerged. Watching you all cope with your break-ups has given me strength. Janey, you choosing to be honest with yourself and, Stephanie, you moving on and giving in to your desires has really pushed me to do more for myself. So …’
We all stare at her, desperate to know what’s coming. ‘I’ve joined a dating site for mature adults and I have a date next weekend.’ She squeals at the end and we join in.
‘That calls for another round,’ Janey says already heading to the bar.
All the commotion seems to attract some attention. There’s a small group of men nearby. They’re loud but in very high spirits. When we’re on our second round of G&Ts one of them comes over.
‘Hi, ladies. I’m on my mate’s stag do but I’ve had enough of them.’ He perches on the arm of our sofa next to Amanda who squirms with discomfort. He’s quite handsome with a rugged, yet affable face. His eyes are punctuated with fine lines and there’s a sprinkling of grey in his light-brown hair.
‘Why?’ Emily asks, sitting forward. His eyes light up when they catch sight of her and soon, the two of them move to a table and begin chatting away.
‘He looks a few million quid short of her usual type,’ Janey says.
‘Maybe her usual type is the wrong type.’ I shrug, glancing over at the two of them. Despite being middle-aged, she’s laughing and twirling her hair like a crush-ridden teen and I’m pleased for her. Seeing her so happy reminds me of being with Edward and that comment Amanda made about giving in to my desires was a little too much. I get a pang so sharp, it’s like my insides have been sucked out by a Dyson vac.
‘I think I’m going to go home,’ I say feeling like the world’s biggest party pooper.
‘What? Now? It’s so early,’ Janey says.
I tilt my head to the side. ‘It’s eleven o’clock,’ I say, like it’s some magnificent feat.
Janey puts her hand on mine. ‘Let me finish my gin and I’ll come with you,’ she says.
‘No,’ I say sharply. This night out is a blue moon event for all of us.
‘What about your, you know?’ She gives me a knowing look. ‘I’m coming.’
‘You stay here. I’ll be fine. Track me on Uber.’
I say my goodbyes and step out into the cool summer’s evening. The doormen are chatting and there are a few people milling about. I feel okay. I feel safe. I try to order an Uber but for some reason the app keeps freezing. I don’t know if it’s my signal or what but I have no choice but to walk to get a cab. The streets near the taxi rank are quiet for a Saturday night. I wrap my arms around myself and walk as quickly as I can. A group of men nearby start laughing loudly and my throat starts to constrict. I look up and see the stars. It reminds me of being under the night sky with Edward last weekend and it calms me a little. As I walk, I take deep, slow breaths and try to imagine he’s here, beside me.
Chapter 48
I find a taxi straight away and climbing inside offers me some relief. There is a bang on the window as we pull away from the kerb and I jump. It’s a young guy. Drunk. Probably showing off to his mates. I hug my handbag to my body. I just want to get home. As we leave the built-up city centre and course the country lanes I get that ball of apprehension again. On the back of the driver’s seat is a ‘cash only’ sign. I check my purse. I only have thirty quid left. Because I’d planned on getting an Uber, I hadn’t tho
ught about drawing any cash out and the only cash machine in Milton is inside the Co-op, which is shut now. The meter is on twenty-five pounds already and at the rate the numbers are whizzing by, I’m not sure I’ll make it home.
When the meter gets to twenty-six pounds, I draw a breath. I need to stop him now. Sometimes, at night, taxi drivers press a magic meter button that adds an extra few quid on. I can’t take the risk of being short. We’re so close to streets with houses that I risk a few more moments of taxi-roulette. When the meter hits twenty-seven, I can’t take it anymore.
‘Just here will do.’
From my position, I make out the side of the driver’s face crumple into a frown as he realises we’ve not quite reached the address he’d tapped into Google maps on his phone. I squint at the map. It says five minutes driving left. What’s that? About a fifteen-minute walk? I can cope with that.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes. I need some air.’
‘Okay then.’ He presses his magic meter buttons and to my relief it only jumps by one pound thirty.
‘Keep the change,’ I say automatically, handing my thirty quid over. I can’t help but wonder if that one pound seventy tip would have seen me home.
The streets are deathly quiet. Some of the houses are in darkness but the odd one has a light on or the bluish tinge of a television screen glowing through the net curtains. I’m perfectly safe but my heart doesn’t know it. My heart thinks it’s joined a jungle-trance band as the lead percussionist. A loud rustling noise coming from a front garden across the road makes me turn with a start. In my haste, I twist my foot and a snapping sound echoes in the darkness. I go to step forwards but my foot falls clumsily. It’s the heel of my shoe – it’s snapped off completely.
‘Brilliant.’ A fox darts out from between some rubbish bags and runs across the road into some other poor bugger’s garden to terrorise their bins no doubt. I pick up my hobbled pace. Only a few more streets left to go. There is a small park to pass but there are houses all around it. As I near the park, my palms start to sweat. I clench my fists and relax them again for no reason other than to distract myself. The houses stop like a void of coal-black darkness has swallowed them up. I stop for a moment. If I cut across the park it will save me some time. With my heel broken it’s going to be a struggle to walk all the way around. I draw a breath and set off. There’s a path that winds through the expanse of grass. I know it like the back of my hand because I bring the kids here all the time during the day. At night, it’s different. I hate feeling like this.
The Single Mums' Book Club Page 24