Happiness is like a universal emotion. You are happy the same way as someone else is, the intensity may be different, but it’s happiness nevertheless.
Sadness, however, hits everyone differently.
Adira
Life is funny and sometimes so damn confusing. So here I was, confused as to what I wanted. Sid and Ronnie were going to be living together for the next two weeks and they both came to see me every evening after office hours. I could feel the tension between the two guys but none of them said anything to me. Ronnie was desperate to move into his own space and I had spoken to Mummy asking if we could accommodate him. We lived in a big enough house and Samba was anyhow well-integrated, within three hours of moving in with us. He slept under Mummy’s bed and was always snooping around the house, sniffing everything with his wet snub nose.
Seeing Ronnie still made my heart flutter and my pulse rate accelerate. Surely there was pain in the past, but there was also laughter, love, happiness in those moments that I could not stop revisiting. We had a history and judging by the looks in his broody eyes I knew that he thought that we had a future too. By the end of week one, I had realized one more thing, I did not want to meet both the boys together as Ronnie and I had things to talk about, things that I didn’t want to discuss in front of Sid. He had been nice to me, he made me laugh, he wanted to know me more, he spoke less and was a good listener; of course, he was a good-looking man too, but he was not what my heart craved for. He was interested in me, I knew that, and he knew that I knew. So, I told him that he could find someone better. But my mother was more than interested in him being a part of my life and kept calling him over every time she came to know that Ronnie would be around. We couldn’t go out because COVID was still around and by then we knew that it was here to stay. So, all we could do was meet up on the terrace after Ronnie’s work and sometimes go for a walk in the park with our masks on.
Ronnie didn’t like the idea of a walk despite that being the most time we spent alone, in each other’s company. He did not like me putting ‘undue’ pressure on my legs. I understood his concern, but I was more interested in our time together at that stage than the pressure and being able to make any sense of what was going in me, what was going through my heart. I needed to spend some uninterrupted time with him. Every time I told him I was confused about my feelings, especially after he told me that he loved me, he went silent and after a long pause just said, ‘I understand. I brought it all upon us. But I am going to give you as much time as you need.’
He was giving me time but what I needed was his time! I prayed more than him that he found a place to live. We needed to solve the puzzle of emotions that we were presented with, and we could do that together in that place. Ronnie was now a different man. I had seen him transform into this man who was committed to his idea of helping teachers. He was so passionate about his start-up; he had client meetings lined up and he was managing it all with his present job, staying away from his family while also making time for me. Just yesterday, when I was cribbing about the lack of something inspiring in my life, he proposed that I manage the client relations for his start-up. He couldn’t pay me, like a job would do, which meant I would be working for free until some profits were made, and I was to be their fourth partner. I was more than thrilled at the prospect. We had worked together in the past, but it was for someone else. This opportunity was more than anything that I could ask for; it was like a dream. I did believe a lot in his start-up. So, I said yes!
My mind keeps telling me that I could have done more, should have done more.
But my heart tells me that I did what I could have and it is time for us to move on.
It is time to do what has to be done in the present moment and let go of the past.
Ronnie
While the first week living in Chandigarh was not bad, it was not very good either. I got to see Adira every day but in a controlled environment. Her mother or Sid were always with us, sometimes one of them was present in the room and sometimes both were. I wanted to talk to Adira now that she was opening up to me but we hardly got any chance to move on from the common topics as we were both aware of the lingering eyes and ears in the room. Most weekdays when both Sid and I worked, we spent the evenings at her home and the visits lasted for no more than half an hour. While I had the pretext of visiting Samba, Sid made no such attempt to hide the motive of his visits. He confidently stated time and again that he was there to meet both the women as he enjoyed their company a lot. Both mother and daughter were showered with equal amounts of compliments, ensuring that the older woman loved and adored him more than the daughter, and therefore was keen that he got a chance to woo her daughter and become a permanent addition to their family. Even in my presence on a few occasions, her mother had mentioned that she was worried that Adira was old enough to get married now.
With no hint of shame or nervousness, Sid had always responded that he was so much in love with them that he wanted the best for the family. I sometimes wondered whether he had also confessed his feelings towards Adira to her, if not in person, then definitely via her mother or over a text. But Adira never hinted that she knew, at least not in my presence. I was jealous, to say the least, but I could do nothing about it. She was not with me, she had a life and if she was looking for a life partner, she had every right to do so the same way I had every right to feel insecure and be grumpy about it. I was not being a child, no, I was way past that stage. But every time I saw the two of them in the same room, I wanted to kill my host’s son.
However, I also knew that getting angry with Sid was not going to take me anywhere. In fact I was not upset with him, I was upset with myself for I had had the heart of the most beautiful girl god had made—I do not just mean physically. Adira has the most beautiful heart and soul. She was mine and I lost her; honestly, almost everyone lost her because of me. It was as if fate had placed the key to lifelong happiness in my palms and instead of holding on to the key tightly and keeping it secure, I let it slip through my fingers and break.
My mother says, ‘Aap mare swarg ni milta’, which translates to ‘one who wants to visit heaven has to die first’. I needed to work to get her back. She loved me once; I was the same person, so she could love me again. I knew forgiving me was also involved for her to come back to me, but I also knew that where there is love, forgiveness is bound to reside in that heart. She is a forgiving person; not that I wished to take advantage of that knowledge. Adira was not a person who held grudges and I hoped and prayed that one day she would find enough space and love in her heart to forgive me for my sins. Till then, I had to try and not sulk out in the open.
So, the first Saturday, I decided to make the evening special for her. Taking her out was not an option, so I decided to ask her for a virtual date night. She was to be in her house and I in the one that I was staying in, but we would still be alone as well as together. So, after she replied to my customary good morning message, I sent her another text to ask her if she was in and would like to watch an old Hindi movie on Netflix.
Me: I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD LIKE A MOVIE DATE WITH ME
Adira: HA HA VERY FUNNY! THEATRES ARE CLOSED
Just as I had expected her to say.
Me: I MEAN A NETFLIX MOVIE DATE
Adira: I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND. YOU WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE HERE? AT NIGHT? MUMMY WILL KILL YOU!
I knew her mother’s intentions very well and so did she.
Me: NO! I MEANT THAT WE COULD WATCH THE SAME MOVIE IN OUR RESPECTIVE ROOMS ON NETFLIX AT THE SAME TIME.
Adira: HOW IS THAT A DATE, DUMBO?
Me: BECAUSE WE WILL BE ON FACETIME, SO TECHNICALLY WE WILL BE WATCHING IT TOGETHER BUT VIRTUALLY.
It sounded like a crazy idea, but desperate times needed desperate measures, and this was my idea of a virtual date that I wanted to try. Thankfully, she agreed. She was not sure how well it would work but she didn’t say it out loud. I could make that out when I spoke to her a few minutes later. She sounded confused b
ut at my request, she agreed to give it a try.
I wasted the day mostly daydreaming and thinking of what I would say to her, how we would be on a video call for so long. My heart fluttered every time I thought that this would be our first date since the accident and that she had said yes after some cajoling, but she did say yes nevertheless. Finally, at nine sharp, I put a packet of popcorn in the microwave, picked up a bottle of Coke, and bolted the door of my room. Sid, who had been eyeing me suspiciously all the time, asked me what my plans were for the night as he planned on going out for a walk. I knew that meant he was going for a quick visit to Adira and I let him go alone for a change. We had been behaving like pre-teenagers for a while and it had to stop. So, unlike the other times when I deliberately stood at the door and made him go round and round in circles before he walked over to their home, I let him go without any drama and so he grew more suspicious. Sometimes, shamelessly, I even followed him to her house and made it a joint visit. Not that I am ashamed of it; okay, maybe a little ashamed, but shame takes you nowhere. However, that evening I did no such thing.
So, he sneaked out and I sneaked in. I texted Adira to check if she had decided the name of the movie we were watching. I had browsed Netflix and hadn’t found a decent Hindi movie that I thought she would like so I outsourced the work to her. She was better at these things and it was no surprise that my phone pinged as soon as I was done typing. She wanted to watch The Notebook.
Me: WHAT? NOT A HINDI MOVIE?
I did not mind watching English movies as such but unlike a Hindi movie, an English movie requires a different level of concentration from me. I had to not just concentrate on the names and the faces so that I did not get confused, but I also had to keep an eye on the subtitles. Do not get me wrong; understanding English is not a challenge for me, but understanding the fast-paced, accented English in a Hollywood movie is a different ball game altogether. Suddenly, I felt my hands getting clammy and sweat appearing on my temples. But she had made a choice and I was not going to ask her to choose something else. So, The Notebook it was. Sid was still at her house, so I decided to do a quick search on Google and get a head start. I read the plot and realized that it was based on a book by the same name. I did not have enough time to go through anything related to the book, so I stuck to the Wiki page and clicked on the section around the plot. The plot grabbed my attention—two young lovers are separated because the mother doesn’t think that the boy is suitable for her daughter. Before I could read half the plot, my phone’s screen flashed with her face.
It was Adira. I quickly answered the call and the first words I heard were from Sid talking in the background. It had been more than fifteen minutes and he was still at their home. Bastard! I wanted to mutter but not while on a call with the girl who seldom cursed, so I waited for her to say hello, trying to calm my anger in the meantime.
‘Hi, are you okay with the movie?’ she asked me. Was I? I didn’t know. I was not very happy about the fact that it was an English film, but I did want to know what happened next. I was intrigued, I wanted to know what happened to Noah and Allie’s story.
‘The story sounds interesting. I want to know how it ends,’ I told her, adding that I had Googled the plot.
‘What? You have not read the book yet?’ she asked me as if I had told her that I had grown ten heads during the night. No, I had not read the book as I hardly read books. But she reads books, especially the ones about love and romance and I recalled that I had to send her a very special book for it was time that she read it. Before I could say anything more, her mother called her and she had to hang up with a promise to call back again in ten minutes. Five minutes later, I heard our main door open and Sid walked in. I fired up my laptop and attached my headset. Netflix came on and so did Adira’s call. ‘So how are we doing this?’ she asked as soon as the call connected. She was wearing a pink night suit with a big collar that hid most of her neck. Her hair was in a braid on the side, and she had her specs on.
‘When did this happen?’ I asked, pointing towards her spectacles and she furrowed her eyebrows at me. ‘They are for the screen, but I did have some eyesight issues due to the accident. I now have another pair for reading,’ she told me. I felt so bad for even bringing it up that I went quiet. She sensed it.
‘So, how are we doing this?’ she asked me again, killing the silence. ‘Where are your popcorn and Coke?’ I asked her, picking up my movie essentials and dangling them in front of the screen. She held hers and we giggled like kids for a moment before she moved the camera away from her face towards her laptop, The Notebook was all set to begin there too.
‘Okay, so now we can plug in the headsets and start watching the movie together and our calls can stay on speaker. Keep the phone somewhere where I can see you.’ She did exactly as I told her. My plan was foolproof, but I had failed to notice that I was more than a fool. We were just five minutes into the movie when Adira’s mother walked into her room. It looked as if she had not locked her room that evening or maybe she never did as she lived with her mother. I had assumed that she did. We paused the movie as her mother inquired what we were doing on a call with laptops in front of us. She had heard my not-so-subtle laughter on the speakerphone and assumed that I had somehow managed to sneak into their home without her knowledge. Someone needed to tell her that I was not talented enough to sneak into her home virtually without her walking in, so how could she expect me to do a sneak attack in person?
Anyway, realizing that we were on a virtual date night and planned to watch a movie together, she invited herself over and our date of two became a party for three. I was not complaining much as I wanted Adira to be with me, and her mother and Adira were a kind of package deal now. So we resumed the movie. Adira’s face flashed on my screen along with her mother’s now and I still kept glancing at her. She was so absorbed in the movie that she didn’t realize that she had picked a few pieces of popcorn in her hand that was mid-way to her open mouth for a while. Ideally, someone with an open mouth should look funny but not her. Her lips made an O and she was breathing lightly with her eyes fixed in concentration. She looked like the same girl I had seen years ago getting out of the auto in front of Nani’s house. Before I could go back in time mentally, I felt her mother’s eyes on me; she was looking at me. She was not angry, or upset or maybe she was, but I was so lost in the moment that I didn’t notice it. But her gaze was a cue for me to switch my eyes back to the laptop screen. My ill fate was not going to end at the intrusion by her mother. There was more to come, and I didn’t have to wait long before it did.
Adira’s video paused a moment later. I wondered what happened and called her again. She disconnected and called me back after two minutes. It was a video call but with a twist. Sid was getting bored and wondered if he could join the movie. I wondered for how long he had been listening to us, standing outside my room, before he decided to barge into my date. When he could just watch the movie in his room, why did he have to be a part of our date was what I wanted to ask, but was it a date any more? Not really, so I opened the door of my room expecting him to be outside. He was there grinning away with his refreshments—a packet of chips and Fanta.
There was no point in looking at Adira and getting caught by her mother, so I moved all my concentration to the movie while Sid joked around with Adira’s mother time and again. I blocked their conversation out as the movie about eternal love found its place. It was the most relatable and beautiful movie for us. Adira had chosen well. At every stage when the movie made our eyes water, we found ourselves staring back at each other. It was as if we were Noah and Ellie but in a different zone, in a different country. I could see her emotions floating into her tears; her mother felt it too. Finding that Noah and Ellie did grow old together filled me with love and hope. When I saw her mother squeeze her hand, I knew that she knew Adira loved me, just like I loved her. She was hurt but our love was greater than anything else in the world. The movie also made me understand that many things happen
in life. A couple is tested by time, situations, people, loved ones, society, fate, and even their ego. What matters most is whether or not the love they have for each other wins every time they are faced with a test. Despite not being alone in a room, when the movie ended it felt that we were alone together and that no one mattered as much as we did. Despite being a constant chatterbox, Sid, too, wiped a few tears time and again and so did Adira’s mother.
We bid each other good night on the call, and I kicked Sid out of my room. Despite seeing him cry, my feelings for him had not changed. I hated him for trying to take everything away from me. We were rivals and there was no other way about it. It was nearly midnight; I swept my bed clean with my hands as I contemplated whether or not to text her. Then I did.
THANKS FOR THE MOVIE, I texted.
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL! she replied.
Yes! It was, I love you, I wanted to reply but typed: YES instead and waited for her to say something more, anything. I had said so much to her, confessed my love so many times in the past, and asked for forgiveness, that it felt like a burden to say those things again. I didn’t want her to be upset with my constant pleas; I wanted her to be happy and I wanted her to be happy with me. So, after waiting for a while, I typed my last message for the day: I HAVE A BOOK THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ . . . IT IS A LOVE STORY.
It seemed she had gone off to sleep because there was no response, but I knew that we would meet in person tomorrow. I had to give her the book that India had fallen in love with.
All stories have endings, all endings are new beginnings.
Not every ending is the end!
Ronnie
Something I'm Waiting to Tell You Page 9