‘She’s good,’ he said, smiling weakly. ‘She’s so amazing. I’m pathetic.’
‘You’re not pathetic!’ Cat said, dropping into the seat next to him and bumping him with her shoulder.
He shook his head. ‘I want to be able to help, you know?’
‘But how can you? She’s pushing a person out of her chuff. You made your contribution months ago, it’s all on Kel now.’
‘I know,’ Sean said. ‘But I read the books, you know? I made a playlist and brought snacks and camomile tea and a… TENS machine? She doesn’t want any of it. She told me to go away.’
‘Did she say “go away”?’ Cat asked, smiling.
‘Piss off,’ Sean muttered.
Cat laughed. ‘I’ve read the books too, you know.’ Well, she’d looked at a couple of websites. ‘This is normal. You did everything you could. But neither of you could know what she’d want or how she’d feel when it actually happened. It was the same with Arnold, right?’
Sean nodded, slumping back in the uncomfortable moulded plastic chair and rubbing his face with both hands.
‘And now you’re out here giving me a pep talk when she wants you in there.’
‘Jesus,’ Cat said. ‘You’re right. Should’ve just left you out here crying.’ She bumped him with her shoulder.
‘I wasn’t crying,’ he said. And he sounded so much like Arnold that Cat wanted to sniff him and tell him he smelled like patriarchy and Tom Ford cologne. Instead she wrapped one arm around him, squeezed hard, and said, ‘Shall we go in?’
* * *
Cat stopped so suddenly in the doorway that Sean bumped into the back of her.
‘Sorry,’ she muttered, but she was staring at Kelly.
‘Is that Cat?’ she heard Kelly say from under a hanging curtain of hair.
Cat crossed the room and stopped next to the chair Kelly was kneeling on, the wrong way round.
‘Hey,’ Cat said, her throat tight.
‘Glad you’re here.’ Kelly rested her cheek against the back of the chair and looked up at Cat. Her face was pale and slick with sweat.
‘The fuck are you doing, Kel?’ Cat asked.
Kelly was up on her knees, leaning over the back of a pale-blue plastic padded chair. There was a monitor stuck to her back, more wires emerging from beneath her green hospital gown.
‘It’s easier this way,’ Kelly panted, shifting and turning slightly towards Cat. ‘I tried on my back, but it was fucking horrible. And then I got in the pool, but I threw up.’
‘Lovely,’ Cat said. ‘I brought your husband back with me. You should be nicer to him; he’s doing his best.’
‘Oh god,’ Kelly said. ‘Shut up. He got me in this predicament. Babe,’ she said to Sean, who appeared almost instantly at her other side and started rubbing gently between her shoulders.
Cat’s eyes welled up instantly. ‘You guys.’
‘You’re not allowed to be in here if you’re crying,’ Kelly said. ‘That’s why I chucked Sean out before.’
Cat laughed. ‘You didn’t tell me that!’
Sean looked slightly shamefaced. ‘She’s just so amazing, I can’t—’
‘I know,’ Cat said, looking down at Kelly, who was pressing her face against the back of the chair, eyes screwed up.
‘I swear to god,’ Kelly said through gritted teeth. ‘If you don’t shut up I’ll make them throw you out of the hospital, never mind the room.’
Cat laughed. ‘God, you’re obnoxious when you’re pushing a person out of your fanny. What can I do that you won’t shout at me for?’
‘There’s a hairband in my bag, but Sean can’t find it.’
‘I don’t think it’s in there, babe,’ Sean said, his voice small.
‘It is,’ Kelly said. ‘It definitely is.’
‘OK.’ Cat picked up the fancy leather hospital/baby bag she knew Kelly had been sent by a PR and undid the main zip.
‘I think it’s in a side pocket,’ Kelly said.
‘You didn’t tell me that!’ Sean said.
‘I did, babe.’
Cat opened all the pockets and rummaged through baby wipes, tissues, sanitary towels, nail files, a neck pillow and two packets of Tangfastics.
Until she found the hair tie, wrapped around a lip balm.
‘Got it,’ she said, smoothing Kelly’s hair back from her face and fastening it into a low ponytail.
‘Oh, thank fuck,’ Kelly moaned. She turned to Sean. ‘I told you.’
He dipped his head to kiss her forehead. ‘Sorry, baby.’
Cat turned away and redid all the zips on the bag, her stomach clenching painfully.
‘Oh fuck,’ Kelly said, her voice low. ‘I can… I think this…’
She curled over, pressing her head into the back of the chair and groaning. Cat met Sean’s eyes, wide and scared. They both watched Kelly as she went rigid, one arm flailing in Sean’s direction. He took her hand and she gritted out, ‘No!’, so he let it go again and rested it on the back of her neck.
‘Fuck!’ she said, moments later when her entire body seemed to have relaxed. ‘That hurt like—’
‘How are we getting on?’
Kelly rolled her eyes so dramatically that Cat laughed out loud. Sean moved around the chair to stand next to Cat and the midwife started checking the various monitors.
‘You’re doing very well,’ she told Kelly.
‘I just had a really strong contraction,’ Kelly said.
The midwife glanced at her and back at the monitor. ‘Oh, that was just a little one. They’ll get much worse than that.’
‘Why the fu—’ Cat started to say, but Sean touched the back of her hand with his.
‘Thanks,’ Kelly said. ‘That’s helpful.’
‘Good to be prepared, I always say,’ the midwife said. She stopped fiddling and turned to look at Cat and Sean.
‘You two look useless. Anything they could be doing, Mum?’
Kelly closed her eyes. ‘No. We’re good. Thanks.’
‘I’ll come back in a bit and check on you then.’ She was already halfway out of the room.
‘Don’t hurry,’ Kelly said, as the door swung closed behind her.
‘Jesus,’ Cat said.
‘I know. Amazing bedside manner,’ Kelly said.
‘Is there really nothing we can do?’ Cat asked her.
‘You could try the TENS machine again.’
‘I thought you didn’t—’ Sean started.
‘Babe,’ Kelly said. ‘You were pressing it at the wrong time and electrocuting me. And then you missed the bit when the contraction actually peaked. Cat might have a bit more co-ordination.’
‘I might not,’ Cat said. ‘But what’s a bit of light electrocution between friends?’
‘Sorry,’ Sean said. ‘I—’
‘Stop apologising,’ Kelly said, tipping her face up to look at him. ‘Come and kiss me.’
‘Seriously?’ Sean said, his cheeks turning pink.
‘Just a kiss, babe,’ Kelly said. ‘I’m not asking you to do me over the monitor.’
Cat snorted with laughter and picked up the TENS machine, which seemed to be a small box, trailing wires with sticky pads on the ends.
‘Do I just stick—’ Cat started, but when she looked up, she found Sean was now sitting on the hideous blue chair with Kelly relaxed into his side, her face pressed into his neck, eyes closed. He was looking down at her and his face was so full of love that Cat’s stomach clenched again. Maybe she should try the TENS machine on herself.
Instead she boosted herself up on the bed and used her phone to google ‘how to use a TENS machine’. By the time Kelly’s next contraction started, she would be good to go.
* * *
‘Tell me things,’ Kelly said a while later. There’d been a few more contractions – Cat wasn’t sure how many exactly – and Sean had been sent away to buy an orange Calippo, which Kelly had decided was the only thing she could possibly tolerate.
‘What about
?’
‘Your life. Things that aren’t this hospital or a person inside me trying to get out. How’s Harvey?’
‘He… I haven’t… I do have something to tell you actually, but I don’t think—’
‘Tell me. Now.’
‘It’s a good thing. For me. I think. But I’m not sure if you—’
‘There are medical instruments in here, Cat. I’m sure I can find something sharp and kill you.’
‘Jesus. OK. God.’ Cat took a deep breath. ‘OK. So…’
Kelly made a sound that could only be described as a growl.
‘Nick offered me a job. In New York. And I’ve taken it.’
Kelly looked up at Cat from between her arms. She looked like a wolf. If Cat didn’t actually know that Kelly was the sweetest person in the world, she might have been quite scared.
‘You’re fucking not.’
‘Listen, I know it’s a big step and—’
‘Have you told Harvey?’ She’d dropped her head again so the question sounded like it was coming from somewhere near her midriff. It was disconcerting.
‘Told him what, I—’
‘Told him about New York.’
‘Yeah, he… yeah.’ Cat couldn’t think about it. It was for the best, she knew, but she didn’t want to think about it.
‘OK. I love you, but you’re a fucking idiot and I’ve had enough of it.’
Cat squeaked with indignation, but Kelly held one finger up and she stopped. Cat waited for her to carry on talking, but instead another contraction hit her and she arched on the bed. She really did look like an animal. It was both awesome and terrifying to watch. Cat wouldn’t have been surprised if the baby had come firing out of Kelly’s foof by the force of her will. Actually maybe she should station herself down the business end, just in case. Kelly groaned and Cat watched her shoulder blades slide down her back like she’d tried and failed to do at yoga.
‘OK,’ Kelly said, once it was over, ‘I’m going to need you to go find Sean in a minute. But first let me tell you why you’re a dickhead.’
‘I can get him now if—’
‘You think everyone always leaves you, but it’s you. You’re the one who leaves. And I know you do it to protect yourself, but you still do it. You’re the pigeon.’
Cat unzipped her lips. She knew she didn’t have the key, but fuck it. ‘My dad left,’ she said. ‘Sam left.’
‘Your dad left, yes. Twenty years ago. And how long has he spent trying to have a relationship with you, trying to fix things. But you won’t let him. And Sam would have taken you with him if you’d asked. I know he would. You know he would. But you didn’t ask.’
‘I didn’t want to go,’ Cat said. ‘I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to want to stay. For me.’
‘You tried to do it to me too,’ Kelly said. ‘For the first few years after we met, if we even had a cross word you decided we weren’t friends any more. And we wouldn’t be. If I hadn’t kept pulling you back every time you tried to get away. When you stayed with me that time, you—’ All the colour drained out of her face. ‘Pass me the hat!’
Cat looked around the room in a panic. ‘The hat? What fucking hat?’
‘Cardboard… sick… thing…’
Cat just managed to spot a receptacle that did indeed look like a cardboard bowler hat and shoved it under Kelly’s face just as a stream of puke launched itself out of her mouth and nose. It splashed the back of Cat’s hand, but she didn’t even wince. Much.
‘Sorry I was sick on you,’ Kelly said after. ‘Can you go get Sean now. And if you see a midwife ask her to pop her head in, eh?’
‘I think you’ve scared them all away, but I’ll do what I can.’
* * *
Cat found Sean in the canteen, working on his laptop.
‘I can’t believe you’re working,’ she said, sitting next to him.
‘She’s not… she hasn’t—’
‘Nah, she just puked and now she wants some of your sweet lovin’.’
‘Is she any closer, do you think?’
Cat leaned to the side and looked at Sean’s laptop screen. ‘What are you doing?’
His cheeks pinked. ‘I was just looking at some holidays. Kel mentioned she’d like a babymoon, so I thought—’
‘God,’ Cat said. ‘You are lovely.’
Sean laughed. ‘Hardly. I’m out here and she’s—’
‘She’s dealing with it in her own way. It’s not a reflection on you.’
‘That’s what she said.’
‘And you know she’s always right. And she wants you now so stop being perfect and get back in there and hold her hand.’
‘She keeps going for my balls,’ Sean said, as he packed his laptop away. And then blushed even harder.
‘Seriously?’ Cat said, laughing.
‘Yeah. I had to keep backing away. She caught me once and it really hurt.’
‘I dunno, Sean.’ They walked out of the canteen. ‘I think you should sacrifice them for the cause. She said she’s not having any more kids so it’s not like you need them.’
When they got back to the room, a midwife was in with Kelly, who was back on the chair, up on her knees, and moaning.
‘Not going to be long now,’ the midwife told Sean and Cat as soon as they walked in.
‘Really?’ Sean said. ‘God. Imagine if I’d missed it cos—’
‘Oh, it’s not going to be minutes,’ the midwife said, ‘but it should only be a couple of hours.’
‘Jesus,’ Cat muttered. She crouched down next to Kelly and waited for the contraction to pass before saying, ‘What can I do?’
Kelly shook her head. ‘Just. Be here.’
Cat dropped a kiss to her sweaty temple. ‘I can do that.’
‘You,’ the midwife directed Sean, ‘come here and make your hands into fists then knead them into the small of her back like this.’ She placed Sean’s hands on his wife’s back and showed him how to press and massage her.
‘Oh my goddddddddddd,’ Kelly said.
Cat fully expected her to tell him to get the fuck away, but she moaned again and this time it sounded like a good moan.
‘Yeah?’ Sean said.
‘Jesus Christ,’ Kelly said, twisting her body to look at him over her shoulder. She didn’t quite make it. ‘Why haven’t you been doing that all day?’
‘I didn’t know—’
‘Don’t stop!’ Kelly said.
Cat found a footstool and dragged it across the room so Sean could sit directly behind Kelly and carry on massaging.
‘You’re in love with him, you know,’ Kelly said a few minutes later. Her eyes were closed and she looked more relaxed than she had for hours.
‘Sean? I mean, he’s great. And he obviously gives good massage if your sex noises are anything to go by, but—’
‘Not Sean. Dickhead. Harvey.’
‘Oh my god,’ Cat said. ‘I don’t! I barely know him.’ Her stomach twisted again. Where was that vom hat?
‘Babe, that’s enough,’ Kelly told Sean. ‘Cat, help me up.’
Cat grasped the top of Kelly’s arm and kept her steady while she swung her legs round. ‘I’m going to try walking a bit.’
‘Where?’
‘Just in here. You can help.’
The room wasn’t small but it wasn’t really big enough for walking. In five steps they were at the door. Kelly pressed both hands against it and bent from the waist, dropping her head again.
‘Are you—’ Cat didn’t even need to finish the question. Kelly was definitely having another contraction.
‘What does it feel like?’ she asked, once it was over.
‘I’ll tell you, but don’t think you’re changing the subject. We’re back on you in a minute. It feels like my entire body’s in a vice. And just as it becomes so unbearable and I think I’m going to die, it starts to release. But the thing is, now I know how it feels so as soon as it starts, I’m already dreading it. That time I tried to picture a mounta
in and myself going up up up to the top and then I could slide down the other side, but instead there was just black and pain and my brain going “fucking mountain MOUNTAIN”.’
‘How are you doing this for a second time?’
‘Fucking sing it. Don’t let me do this again.’ She straightened up and took Cat’s arm, the two of them walking back towards the window.
‘I’m not in love with him,’ Cat said, as they approached the door again.
Kelly snorted. ‘I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist. You are. I know you. I’ve seen you in love before and that’s how I know. And if you throw it away, you might feel safe, but you’re going to be so sorry.’
Cat’s eyes filled. ‘I don’t know what—’
‘Look,’ Kelly said. ‘I’m not trying to upset you. I know this is hard to hear. And I know it almost ruined us last time I tried to tell you some of this shit. Promise me we won’t let that happen this time? Cos fuck knows I’m going to need you if I ever get this demon child out of me.’
‘You’ll need me more if you don’t,’ Cat mumbled.
Kelly laughed. ‘God. Imagine the promo possibilities though. How to Raise a Child Inside Your Body. I’d get a book deal and everything.’
* * *
‘Oh my god,’ Cat said two hours later, staring down at the perfect perfect baby in her best friend’s arms. The perfect perfect baby she’d just seen her best friend push out of her own actual body. It had been completely gross, but also the most incredible, life-changing, transformative thing Cat had ever seen. And she’d been to Hamilton. Twice.
‘I can’t believe how beautiful she is,’ Cat said. ‘She looks like a pea.’
Kelly laughed. ‘She does not look like a pea.’
‘She does. A perfectly round head. And a sweet little face.’
‘Like a pea,’ Kelly said, laughing. She dipped her head and kissed the baby’s forehead. ‘She really is beautiful, isn’t she?’
‘The most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. Arnold was a minger.’
Kelly laughed and immediately burst into tears. ‘Poor Arnold.’
The One Who's Not the One: A feel-good, laugh-out-loud romantic comedy Page 17