by Liz Durano
“She was Miss Photogenic,” Marjorie says. “She should have won the crown, to be honest.”
“Thing is,” Ray continues, “Noelle’s been waiting for our Benny here to make up his mind. But word on the street is… he dropped the ball.”
“What Noelle and I talk about is no one’s business but ours,” I growl.
“Oh yeah? Her mother called her dad today at the plant. She was so upset. Said you paid their girl a visit at the school and dumped her. Officially,” Ray says, gloating as everyone around the table stares at me. “Isaac told them why. Wanna tell us why, Bidzii?”
He says my name mockingly, and for as long as I remember, he always believed I didn’t deserve a Navajo name.
“Is he telling the truth?” Mother asks, her face pale. “Did you break up with Noelle when I thought you said…”
“I changed my mind.”
“You changed your mind after you told us?” Tsela asks, his eyes wide. His twin brother looks at me in disgust.
“Man, that’s cold,” Tahoma says.
“Isaac was in Taos the other day,” Ray says and everyone stops talking to listen to him. “Said he saw Benny here dancing with that white girl he brought up here years ago. That’s true, right? Said you never even saw him.” When I don’t answer, he continues. “Guess she’s the one who left that hickey on your neck, huh? Or what do you kids call that now… a love bite?”
“My personal life is no one’s business,” I say, getting up from the table, my appetite gone.
“It is when you tell us you’re finally going to ask the poor girl to marry you and then you change your mind. Again,” Ray says, getting up from his chair. “Only a coward changes his mind around here. Only a coward says one thing and does another.”
“Ray…” Mother says but Ray ignores her.
“You know who does shit like that?” Ray points his fork to everyone at the table, as if he’s giving a sermon. “The white man. They say one thing and then they turn around and do somethin’ else. Usually backstabbin’ you. Is that you, Benny? After all, you got half-white in you so why not–”
“Ray, stop,” Granddad says and Ray glares at him, shaking his head.
“You defendin’ him, too?” Ray says as everyone stops eating, their eyes avoiding his gaze. “Just because he bought the damn solar panels and a big screen TV and other shit? Or is it because he got himself those nice degrees on that wall that you all love to show off to everyone who comes in here?” He chuckles as Mother looks away. “Yeah, everyone lets Benny do whatever he likes. Romance a girl to get in her pants and then say he’s not ready. Make her wait. Get another degree just because he can. Then get another. And another and another. I mean, with all that education, who has time to get married, right?”
I step away from the table toward the front door but Ray grabs my arm. Suddenly I’m a boy of seven beaten so severely that he left scars on my back and Granddad had to take me to the hogan he and my grandmother lived so I’d stay there instead. I grab the collar of Ray’s shirt and raise my fist in a move so instinctive I realize too late that I’m no longer that kid whose simply fighting back.
“Shiyáázh,” Mother pleads. My son.
“You wanna hit me? Go right ahead, Mr. Big Shot,” Ray taunts. “You wanna show who’s the king of the castle around here, Benny? Be my guest, the man whose word isn’t worth crap.”
I can feel everyone at the table watching me. Disappointment is written in their eyes. Tahoma and Tseya. Marjorie with her hand on her mouth, horrified at what she’s seeing. Granddad and Grandma. My chest tightens and I let go of Ray and lower my fist, but it’s too late. It’s done. I’m the man whose word means nothing, the man who wears a dead man’s ring on a chain around his neck.
“And so what you said the last time you were here... you didn’t mean it? You lied to us?” My mother asks, disappointment stamped all over her features. Marjorie’s expression goes from shock to disgust as the realization finally hits her. She’d gone into Elementary Education and specialized in Diné Studies because of Noelle.
“I meant it then.”
“Yeah, right,” Ray sneers. “And then he changed his mind.”
“Be quiet.” Granddad tells him sternly before facing me. “Is it true, Bidzii?”
“Yes, Shicheii,” I reply, turning my attention to everyone at the table. “I spoke to Noelle this afternoon. She and I are officially over.”
Everyone starts talking but I don’t listen. All I see is my grandfather and the look of sadness in his eyes. I excuse myself and head toward the front door. I can pick up words here and there, the loudest of them Ray’s.
He’s a coward. Just like his father.
Ray, stop. Please.
That last one comes from my mother before I step outside, the night sky lit up with stars, more stars than I could ever count even if I had a lifetime ahead of me with nothing to do.
Coward.
The word stings deep, but that’s how the truth works sometimes. It stings.
I could have gotten in the truck and drove home but it would have proven to everyone what a coward I really was if I did. But I’m better than that. I made a choice and I’m standing by it. I made a mistake and I admitted it.
So I walk around the house to my grandparents’ hogan and sit in one of the plastic chairs outside their door. That’s where Granddad finds me twenty minutes later.
“The First Man took great care to build the constellations because he wanted the work to be perfect as they lit up the night sky,” Granddad says as he settles on the empty chair beside me. “Coyote watched him the whole time, waiting and waiting. He wanted to see the constellations, too. But he grew impatient and so when the First Man wasn’t looking, he gathered the sheepskin where the stars were laid out and threw them up in the sky. Because of his impatience, the constellations ended up in bunches that look so disorganized. But are they?”
When I don’t answer, he continues. “Waiting for everything to be perfect is not the way you are meant to live this life. Too much thinking and not much doing is not good for you… like the coyote waiting for food only to go hungry. But you can still find beauty in imperfection, Benny. There is beauty in taking control of your life and going your own way. Even when the impatient Coyote threw all the stars up in the sky in no particular order, the constellations didn’t turn out wrong.”
As he talks, I spot Náhookos Bi’ka, the Big Dipper in the sky and I suddenly feel tired of having to read between the lines. “What are you trying to tell me, Shicheii?”
“We all have stories, Bidzii,” he say as he pats my shoulder. “But sometimes stories are just that—stories—even the ones you tell yourself when you think you’re alone.”
Chapter Seventeen
The next morning, I drive to Santa Fe as soon as I get out of work. In the executive lounge at the Santa Fe airport, I shower and change into something more comfortable for the trip. I board the plane, falling asleep the moment we take off and wake up three hours later when the flight attendant announces we’re about to land.
I used to think I’d always live in New York right after college but after the incident with the professor and then Ryan, there’s nothing for me here anymore. My life is in New Mexico now, with Mom deciding to move there for good and now, Benny.
After his last message about not having cell phone reception, I haven’t heard from him. He’s probably with his family and if he is, I hope he’s enjoying himself. I just wish he’d tell me more about them even if I’ll never meet them again after that unfortunate run-in two years ago on our way from Four Corners. That’s when I found out about Noelle because his stepfather certainly didn’t hold back.
She’s a friend, Benny had told them but it didn’t look like they believed it. What made it worse was that he hadn’t told them he was going to be in the area and I think that hurt his mother more.
But I can’t keep thinking of Benny even if my mind chooses to default to the hours we spent together every time I c
lose my eyes. I need to focus on why I’m making this trip, to begin the process of suing Ryan. For what, exactly, I have no idea but that’s what the lawyers are for. All I have to do is answer their questions and give them all the evidence I have. Oh, and keep it all together while I’m at it.
Dad’s waiting for me at the hangar and we have a late lunch at a one of his favorite restaurants in Chelsea. I’m always amazed at the New York version of my father where he’s not as laid back as he appears whenever he’s home in Taos. Today, he’s still dressed in a tailored suit, although he’d long removed his tie, looking every inch like the Manhattan executive that he is, CEO of a growing investment firm that’s slowly outgrowing its original offices in the Financial District.
There’s no denying I’m proud of my dad, and a little intimidated, too. Without him working the long hours he does, we wouldn’t have a beautiful home in Taos or the brownstone in Manhattan if Mom ever decides to set foot there again. I wouldn’t have had a chartered plane fly me from New Mexico to New York in three hours or a chauffeured town car drive us everywhere we need to go.
“I was thinking we could head back to the house and I’ll make dinner while you catch up on your sleep,” he says. “You did just finish a shift, right?”
I nod, yawning. “Yes, and I had to drive to Santa Fe right after work.”
“Then home it is after this and I’ll take care of dinner when you wake up,” he says. “That way you’ll be prepared tomorrow. They need all the evidence to build an airtight case against this man, Sarah, and so we need to cover all our bases. It’s not going to be a pleasant experience and I should have warned you about that.”
“I figured as much, Dad,” I say.
“Good. At least, we’re on the same page,” Dad says, smiling reassuringly. “Once they gather all the evidence, then we can build a case and bring it to the District Attorney.”
I look at him, my face burning with shame. “Aren’t you worried everyone will know about the pictures?” As if sleeping with my married professor wasn’t bad enough, now this.
“Would you rather this man keep stalking you, posting your pictures online and having strangers tell you the things they want to do to you?”
“No, I want him stopped. Like yesterday.”
“And that’s why you’re here.” He squeezes my hand from across the table and lets go, leaning back as the waiter arrives with the appetizer. We’re at the same restaurant he used to take me to once a week before Mom and I moved to Taos. It was our special time together, just him and me. I still remember how it always made me feel like a princess.
Only I don’t feel like a princess anymore. I’m all grown up now. And I need to face my problems head on instead of running away from them all the time.
The next morning, Dad accompanies me to the offices of Chambers, Maynard & Lipman in Midtown Manhattan. I almost ask him to stay with me but I tell him to go back to his office anyway. I’m a big girl now. I can do this no matter how deeply it will take me back to the moment this thing all started all because of a bruised ego and naiveté.
Three hours later, I emerge from the conference room exhausted and fighting back tears. Although the whole process was professional and the lawyers did their best to ask as tactfully as they could, it was the answers that got to me, answers that told of a woman who fancied herself in love with a doctor because he was more than willing to fulfill secret desires someone else refused her.
Tie me up? Check. Spank me till my ass was red and stinging? Check. Gag me and fuck me all while the cameras were rolling? No, I never agreed to that last part. I didn’t even know they were there until after the pictures started popping up online. After I found three of them on forums and have all my requests to have them taken down ignored, I haven’t looked that hard.
But just because I told them where to find the pictures and videos—at least, the ones I’d found—didn’t mean they stopped there. They’d been scouring the Internet the last few days looking for any footage that resembled me… and found more than a dozen of them. A few minutes here, a few minutes there. All in all, almost half an hour’s worth of footage. Half an hour that could ruin my chances for getting a job at any hospital.
They must have seen the look of shame on my face the moment I realize just how much they had found online or the way my voice seems to stop cooperating with me and all I can do is clear my throat yet nothing comes out. Maybe it’s the way I feel my body fold into itself afterward and I feel like I’m floating above everything else, as if I’m invisible. It’s probably why the lawyers cut the interview short and suggest we meet again in the morning.
“That’ll give us time to go over everything you’ve given us so far and our people can go through the time stamps on all the footage,” the head lawyer whose name escapes me says as we make our way down the hall to the main lobby. I’m glad he doesn’t say anything else to try and make me feel better. It’s all business and that’s how I like it.
We’ll take care of everything, Miss Drexel. You just make sure to be safe and vigilant.
But when I see Dad emerge from one of the offices at the end of the hallway, my throat tightens when I see Lionel Chambers step out of the office behind him. They’re in the middle of a conversation but they stop when they see me, both men smiling.
Although his smile is fatherly—I’ve known him since I was child and he was one of my godfathers during my baptism—the feeling of shame that filled me just minutes earlier in the conference room returns.
Had he seen my pictures, too?
“There she is,” Dad says as he approaches. I smile weakly, knowing that if I don’t, I’ll probably burst into tears. But I can’t do that. No, I need to hold it together.
“Hi, Dad. Hi, Mr. Chambers.” Those five words are all I can manage before Dad pulls me alongside him, squeezing my shoulder.
“You look exhausted.”
“I am. And all I did was sit there.”
He shakes his head. “You did more than just ‘sit there’, Sarah,” he says. “You’re building your case against this monster. One that will set an example to anyone else who thinks they can do what he’s doing and not suffer the consequences.”
“This case could take years but this brave young lady here is doing the right thing,” Lionel says.
We say our goodbyes and Dad guides me down the hallway toward the lobby and into the elevator. It’s as if he knows how hard the last few hours have been for me and he just wants to get me out of there.
The rest of the ride back to the brownstone where I spent the first eight years of my life goes past me in a blur. I don’t even know if Dad said something or not. I just know right now, I’m a shell and I want to be alone. I need to be alone and I’m glad that Dad senses it. He doesn’t talk during the drive there, instead spending the time going through his calendar while Dave, his driver, navigates the busy streets of Manhattan.
When we arrive home, I go straight to my room and close the door. I collapse on my bed and curling up into a ball under the covers, I let the tears finally flow. I don’t even know why I’m crying but I can’t stop myself. I haven’t felt this ashamed since the first time I found out what Ryan had done.
But I also can’t cry forever. I can’t let Ryan defeat me like this.
An hour later, freshened up and wearing flannels, I go downstairs and find Dad in the kitchen closing the oven door and setting the potholder on the counter. He’s out of his three-piece suit and with his hair still damp from the shower, is wearing a heather gray t-shirt and a pair of black jogging pants. His laptop is open in front of him, a small camera clipped to the top.
“Thought Mom and I would make you your favorite. Macaroni and cheese,” he says when I pull up a seat on the kitchen island across from him.
“Need any help?” I ask as he shakes his head.
“Thanks but I’m almost done. Just had to check.” He turns his attention to the laptop sitting on the counter. “Your mom came up with recipe and directions.”
On the screen, I see Mom sitting at the kitchen table back in Taos, Nana preparing something in front of the stove behind her. This is how they’ve managed to still be together during the weeks Dad has to work in New York. For Mom who was never into electronics, it’s one thing she’s learned to use in the years since they’ve been living apart part time. It’s not something that happens every night since Dad often hangs out at the Metropolitan a few nights a week talking business but it eases the separation between them.
“Hi, mija,” Mom says, waving at me. Behind her, Nana approaches the camera and waves as well. “I hope your meeting today went well.”
“It did,” I reply, my feelings of helplessness and shame now gone. I want my mother to see me confident. I don’t want her to worry about me. “Where’s Dax?”
“He’s playing his video games in the entertainment room with Gabe and Claudia.” She cocks her head toward the direction of Dax’s bedroom, a knowing look on her face. Claudia Romero is Gabe’s cousin and she also happens to be my brother’s first love although Dax refuses to admit it. His face turns all red every time any of us mention her name but he clearly likes her. He just likes his video games more some days. Guess with Claudia visiting again, they must be seeing each other again. “So your dad tells me you go back to the office in two days?”
I nod. “Hopefully they get everything then and I don’t have to come back again after that.”
“But even if you had to come back, like for the court for example, if it ever makes it to that point, I’ll be with you throughout the whole thing,” Dad says.
“Me, too,” Mom says and Dad and I look at the laptop screen, surprised.
“Mom, you don’t have to,” I protest as Mom leans into the camera. She’s never returned to New York since she left it eighteen years ago.