by Rowan Massey
“No notes. No pretending it was nothing,” he said.
“I get it,” I told him, letting my smile fall. Dancing had given me distance, but I still had a small heartbreak feeling in my chest. I liked that Doc had hugged me and everything. That helped. And he had given me a place to stay. I didn’t know about calling it home, though. I still didn’t want to be part of the Sardana family, but I could talk honestly with Doc if he needed that.
“Did he rape you?” he asked.
I shut my eyes for a quick second and shook my head hard.
“What are you not telling me?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.
“He said he will if…he just said he wants to…”
Doc’s folded hands tightened.
Taking a deep breath, I started telling him everything that Nando had done and said, even about his grinding on me and groping, and all the insults. I was mostly worried about Nando having said I couldn’t talk to Spitz.
That got Doc’s attention too.
“Don’t worry about that,” he told me. “Spitz is family to you, so he’s family to me. He’ll be one of my patients, and I’ll make sure nobody gets in the way of you two, or Fiona either.”
I looked at the floor. “I don’t want to be a Sardana,” I said quietly, not wanting to hurt his feelings.
“I don’t blame you,” he said. “I don’t either. Being ‘family to me’ means being the family I’ve found and chose for myself. Understand? There’s the Sardanas, then there’s me; Atul. The Atul family, in my mind, is my dead son, and Jace and his boyfriend, and then you and your loved ones, not in any order. Does that make sense?”
“And London?” I asked.
He made a funny face like he didn’t want to admit it. “And London.”
“Sounds nice,” I said.
Doc smiled, showing off his teeth, as if I’d given him a huge gift. I felt like hugging him again, but he was already smeared with enough blood.
“I’m making the big announcement as soon as you get cleaned up and come with me,” he said. “I don’t want to leave you alone unless you want to stay.”
“I can’t miss it,” I said, jumping up and heading for the bathroom—my bathroom. “I need to be there for Spitz and Fiona.”
“I’ll be downstairs waiting,” he said as got up and left the room. “Hurry, please.”
I used the sink to wash my face and hands, then changed out of my bloody sweatshirt and put on a fleece shirt. Before leaving, I looked at myself in the mirror and ran my fingers over the bruises on my face and throat. But other than the abuse, I liked what I saw. I was still the bloody, happy fielder I wanted to be, only without black circles under my eyes from starving all the time.
There were a lot of things to worry about, but Doc was for real about taking care of me and my friends. I put my beanie over my blood-crusted hair and ran down the two flights of stairs, making a racket, and rushed out the door, which Doc as holding open for me. I knew the announcement was important, and I couldn’t hold him up.
Four nice cars, including Doc’s SUV, were in front of me. A big Citizen Gardens hummer was already in the street, cranked up and waiting full of soldiers. The back door of the SUV opened and London waved to me. “Let’s go, Wally!”
I ran and jumped in. Peter was already at the wheel, Doc got in next to him, and there were two armed soldiers in the very back. We started down the street, going a little faster than normal.
“Everybody was waiting for me?” I asked, and slumped down, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I—”
London darted out a hand and squeezed my knee, smiling and shaking his head. “You have nothing to apologize for,” he said in a voice low enough for only me and him to hear. “They can understand or fuck right off.”
“Where’s the Citizen General and Avi?” I asked.
“At the field. Everything will be ready as soon as we get there,” he told me.
Doc was sitting stiffly in his seat, almost leaning forward. I wondered if he was nervous. Scooting up in my seat, I put a hand on his arm. He twisted around to look at me.
“Whatever happens, we’ll be fine,” I said.
He smiled at me in a way that made me warm up inside. If he’d opened his mouth, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d said he loved me, but he only turned back around and relaxed into his seat.
A lot of things went through my mind on the way to the field, but I kept bringing myself back to the fact I didn’t know what Doc was about to do to my actual, and precious, home. I was still convinced that it was unlikely there would be many like Spitz. It would suck to see some people go, but I would wish them the best, just like I honestly wished Spitz the best, even if it was upsetting to think about. Nando was a lot of things, but I’d denied long enough that he had a point about people being happy in different ways. I wouldn’t be angry at the people who left. As upset as I was about Spitz, and as hard as it was to understand how he could change so much, I wouldn’t stay angry at him either. So why be mad at Doc about it? Why be sad?
When we pulled up to the end of the field, I wasn’t surprised to see that nobody was dancing. There was a little stage with speakers set up near the volunteer station. Avi, the Citizen General, and an older Dread Red man, all sat in in chairs behind the microphone. Everyone was gathered around the stage, waiting. Some people looked frustrated, a lot of them had sat on the ground, looking tired and in need of a dance.When we got out of the SUV and walked closer, I saw a group of Dread Reds, including our dealers, standing to the side with their arms crossed. They didn’t look happy.
London was walking close beside me, Peter right behind me, and Doc headed straight for the stage.
“The dealers were stopped from dealing until Doc tells everyone,” London said into my ear. “They aren’t happy about any of this and brought backup. You’re going to see Dreads and soldiers everywhere around the perimeter, but don’t worry, alright? Everyone has agreed to do this peacefully. After Doc gives his speech, the volunteers will give free drugs to those who want to keep weaning, the others can buy from dealers like always.”
I swallowed hard, listening to London but also looking around for Spitz and Fiona. About to take my phone out and text them, I spotted Fiona pushing her way forward through the crowd to stand in front of the stage. London stopped me with a hand on my shoulder before I could go to her.
“Wally, me and Peter are basically your bodyguards right now,” he said. “Atul is worried and wants us to keep close.”
I pointed towards Fiona. “I need to go talk to her. She’s one of my best friends. Fiona,” I said.
London nodded and we headed over. I broke into a jog, and they did too.
She spotted me and we ran and hugged each other. She brushed a kiss onto my cheek, and her face pressed into my shoulder, her arms so tight I almost couldn’t breathe.
“Wally, he’s…You have to talk to Spitz. What happened to your face?” She lifted her head to say more through the noise of the crowd, but Doc’s voice boomed out through the nearby speakers.
“Can I have your attention, please,” he said, and waited for a moment. I was surprised that almost everyone shut up and turned to him right away. “Some of you have seen me around for a long time but still don’t know me as anything but ‘Doc’. My name is Dr. Atul Sardana. My son, Ryker, died on this field when fielders first came on the market. He was one of the first to take it, and one of the first to die from it. Since then, I’ve spent every day of my life working towards a solution to your addiction.”
Kids here and there started speaking up right away, talking back, telling him that was crazy.
“Recently, I’ve had a breakthrough in my research,” Doc went on, ignoring it. I noticed that the Citizen Gardens soldiers got more tense. Some shifted their feet. “The batches I’ve been giving Barkley and your dealers have been slowly weaning you all off of the drug. That means slowly taking you off of it so that you don’t feel any withdrawal symptoms. If you want to, you can keep weaning off an
d soon go without fielders completely. That goes for all of you. I know you’ve been feeling the effects. I also know you must have noticed the reduction in deaths.”
The crowd was getting louder, forcing him to stop talking. Most kids looked confused, but others were angry and making a lot of noise about it. The Dread Red man stood up from his chair behind Doc and elbowed his way in front of the microphone. Everyone went silent.
“What this man is saying isn’t mandatory,” he said, his voice low and scratchy. “You can all buy batches of normal fielders from us right after the doctor’s speech. Understand? So shut the fuck up and this will go faster.”
With that, he turned around and sat back down. The crowd was completely quiet.
“Thank you,” Doc said to the man. I saw a little bit of anxiety in his eyes, but he pressed his lips together, stood up straight, and went on. “For tonight, anyone who wants to continue to wean off of fielders, and eventually have no physical need to take the drug, can come to the volunteer station and get their fielders there for free. You’ll also be required to sign up to go to my clinic from now on in order to receive free treatment. This is not a one time deal. You can decide another day you want to come to the clinic or change your mind multiple times. You’ll always get free treatment if you want to wean off.
“I’m aware that some of you will see this as an opportunity to get free drugs when you can’t come up with the money for them yourselves. If you ever find yourself facing withdrawal and death, you are always welcome to come to the clinic for that. Just be honest about what you really want or need when you show up.
“I’m also aware that this will cause a rift in your community, and I’m sorry about that. My only intention is to help you. I want to save your lives and see you grow into adulthood and even old age. That has always been my mission here.
“Now, your usual dealers will go to the other end of the field to sell to you. We’ll be at the volunteer station at this end.”
With those words, the group of Dreads in front turned and were let through by the crowd. Everyone watched them go. Some didn’t wait for the speech to be over and followed the dealers.
“The soldiers and Dread Reds around us are here to prevent anything from going wrong, not to stick around for good, and not to cause problems,” Doc said. “They are keeping the peace.
“If anyone has questions, come to the volunteer station. We have extra people here to make sure everyone gets what they need. Thank you.” He gave everyone a small smile and left the stage along with the men who had been sitting behind him.
I turned to Fiona, who had wrapped her arm tightly around mine. “Where’s Spitz?” I asked.
She pointed to the edge of the field where the volunteer station was lit up and full of volunteers ready to talk to fielders. Spitz had his back to us, already there talking to someone.
“I’m going to go talk to him,” I said, and took a step in that direction, expecting her to come with me, but she didn’t move.
“Wally,” she said, her eyes sadder than I’d ever seen them. I thought she might cry. Her lower lip shook, but she bit it back. “I can’t talk to him. I…I think it’s over between us.”
“What?” She must be nuts to think Spitz wouldn’t want to work things out. “He loves you. Don’t say that.”
She pulled on the braid going down her back and sighed. “My dad has been talking to me. He apologized and wants me to come home. I’m going tonight.”
I felt blinded for a split second of shock. How could she leave him? They could work it out! I knew they could. She was breaking up our little family. I took her hand, ready to argue, but she pulled away from me.
“You don’t know how much he’s changed,” she said, completely miserable, voice shaking. “I can’t do it anymore. He’s constantly talking about guns, and Nando being so amazing, and saving the stupid town. You wouldn’t believe how mad he got about Citizen Gardens being in town. He said he wants to shoot them, stab them. He’s not the guy I fell for. I just can’t be around him anymore.”
She buried her face in her hands and took loud, sobbing breaths, but when she looked up again, she hadn’t cried.
“Let’s just go dance,” she said, her eyes staring into space.
“I already did, but I’ll watch you,” I said. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Spitz leaving the volunteer station. “I just have to talk to him first, okay?”
She nodded, gave me a quick hug, and walked away towards the other end of the field.
There was a line at the station. I couldn’t believe my own eyes. An actual line. And it was getting longer. So many?
I ran towards Spitz and slid to a stop in front of him. He didn’t even look up at me, just stared at the pill in his fingers.
“Spizzy?”
“Don’t call me that,” he said, his voice dull. “It’s a kid’s name.”
“Okay…” I dug the toe of my boot into the dirt. Why was he being this way? “What happened with you and Fiona?”
He finally looked up, his eyes just as miserable as Fiona’s had been.
“Do you think she really means that shit about going back to her dad?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I hope not.” I wanted to tell him he was being awful, and I hardly blamed her, but I didn’t know how to say it. She was right. He wasn’t the same person. I didn’t know how to talk to him. But we had to figure it out.
We stared at each other, stuck in separate worlds.
“Doc will protect you if you decide to leave Dread Red,” I said. “He told me I’m family to him, so you are too. That’s exactly what he said. We can go back to the way things were.”
He looked away, anger on his face. “No, that’s cowardly. I’m not leaving Dread.”
“Why is Dread so fucking important to you?” I was losing my patience. “You would give up Fiona for this? You two were made for each other! And…and me! What about us, Spitz?”
He turned his head to stare me in the eye. I had no idea what he was thinking, but he was thinking hard.
“I’m tired of pretending everything is okay,” he said through gritted teeth. “Just because we get to escape doesn’t mean life is perfect. I want to be real about what’s going on around us. I need to be a man now. I can’t go back to being a kid after what I’ve been through and learned. I wouldn’t even know how.”
“You’ll know how as soon as you take the normal batch again,” I said, stating the obvious. “We all felt like life was shit while Doc was weaning us off. I’m back to normal now. You can go back to normal too! Will you just try again? You can wean off if you’re not convinced.”
“I don’t want to be convinced. This is what I want. If I get traumatized, I’ll take it, like I said before, but I want to toughen up and live my life. My whole life.”
Spitz took the pill and chewed. Behind him, at least fifty kids were lined up at the station.
Why? All I could think was why? Toughen up? Why be tough when you could just relax and be happy? And why were all these other kids doing it? I spotted two friends in line. What were their reasons?
“Spitz,” I said before he could walk away from me, “I love you, man. You’ll always be my best friend, even if you’re not a fielder. Alright?”
He shook his head. “I’m not sure how long that can last. You’re on the wrong side.”
Turning his back to me, he walked away. I felt as if he’d slammed a door between us and locked it. Was this what he’d done to Fiona?
The world around me turned into something distant. London came and put an arm over my shoulder, saying things into my ear that I didn’t hear, Peter standing nearby. I stayed there for a long time watching the line of kids who wanted to wean off, then I turned and walked along the edge of the field to find Fiona. There was a big gap near the middle of the field where kids who wanted to wean and kids who didn’t had separated themselves. I saw Spitz dancing on one side, and found Fiona dancing on the other. London and Peter followed me the whole time.
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br /> Two hours of pacing back and forth, watching my friends, ended with Fiona coming to me with a hug. She only had one streak of blood on her face. Naturally, she looked happy, but noticed that I was heartbroken. We got some distance from London and Peter to talk. I told Fiona about my conversation with Spitz, and she nodded knowingly.
“Looks like it’s going to be you and me,” she said, frowning so soon after her nice trip.
“I keep thinking we should have stopped him from joining up—”
She waved her hand to stop me. “I’ve blamed myself enough. You shouldn’t think like that either.”
We put our arms around each other’s waists and headed out. Fiona said she still had the cart. Spitz had told her he didn’t need it.
“You can’t just ride around by yourself at night,” I said. “It’s not safe.”
“It’s not safe for you either. Even if you came with me to go to my dad’s tonight, you’d have to go back to Nando’s alone.” She said, frustrated.
Then I had to tell her about Nando and I breaking up for good. Her eyes widened when I told her the story, but she seemed to think it was for the best, since we were all on opposite sides of things now.
When we got to her cart, I turned to Peter, who was still tailing us with London, and asked if he could take her home.
“This whole announcement thing is over,” I said. “I don’t need a bodyguard anymore, right?”
He looked to London first, who smiled and nodded, then Peter introduced himself to Fiona. After we all chatted a bit to make sure Fiona was comfortable with it, Peter got on the bike, she got in the cart, and he pedaled them down the dark street.
Watching her go, I considered going homeless and not living at Doc’s. That way I would always be with her if she needed me. I’d been homeless for a long time, and I could go back to it, even if I’d be alone. I’d gotten comfortable with being housed, but I’d be alright.
I couldn’t make any decisions without talking to Doc first. I was as tied to him now as I had been to Spitz. Maybe he would be my new best friend. I hung my head in shame for thinking that right after I’d lost Spitz. Spitz wasn’t replaceable.